44 Gilmore Street

by Shani Struthers

  “Can you remember an occasion when your parents met him?”

  “Oh, yes, I remember that all right. It was the first and last occasion. We’re at my house, in the living room, all four of us. My mother’s pouring tea. Her disapproval is so obvious. She’s stuck-up sometimes is my mum. I love her but she can be a snob. My father’s more lenient, but even he’s not impressed and he seems to have no problem making it obvious too. My man, he’s getting quieter by the minute, he’s started mumbling in reply to the questions they’re firing at him – what do you do for a living, what are your plans for the future, where do you live? It’s as if he’s on trial, they’re interrogating him. My parents seem oblivious but his cup is trembling slightly as he holds it. How dare they make him feel so small? It makes me more determined.”

  “To do what?”

  “To love him and to be with him – no matter what the cost.”

  “I see. I want to take you forward now, to the days, the weeks and the months after you were married? Is that okay? I want to take you to the first memory you ever recalled. When you were standing at the kitchen sink, when you were feeling so much despair. What went wrong with your marriage? It’s clear you loved him, you’ve told us.”

  “I… I’m not sure I can do this.”

  “You can. We need to move forward remember and break through the barrier – together. It might not be as traumatic as you fear.”

  “It is. It is as traumatic. It’s worse. Far worse.”

  “Then that’s even more reason you don’t recall such a memory whilst alone. If I think you’re too upset, that you can’t cope, I will bring you back. You’re safe. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. Come forward now – you’re standing at the kitchen sink, there’s a pile of dirty dishes in front of you, waiting to be washed. You’re sad, you’re angry, you feel like crying, but you daren’t because he gets angry if you cry. He’s coming. He’s walking up the hallway. He’s behind you. You turn around to look at him. What happens next?”

  “It’s what always happens next. He’s going to hit me. His fists will come flying out and knock me to the ground. But first he takes my radio, my precious radio, and it seems to crumple in his hands. That’s the reason for his anger this time – the radio. I’d been listening to it, humming along to a song, a song I loved but which made me feel sad, made me long for home. But I’d only been humming softly and the radio was low, so low. How did he hear it from the living room? Especially when he always has that telly blaring? How did he know? But that’s the thing you see, he always seems to know when it comes to me. It’s like his mind is linked with mine, as though he’s wormed his way inside me and now he won’t let go. I wish he’d let go!”

  “Easy, take it easy. It’s a memory we’re recalling. Just a memory.”

  “He’s so angry. But I don’t know why. Was he always this way? Did I just not see it? Was I so in love with him I was blind to the truth? He’s hitting me, over and over again. I’m used to being hit, to being abused and debased. That’s what he does. He debases me. I’m not who I was, I’m a shell, a wreck. I don’t even look like that girl who stood in front of the mirror, so excited, anymore. I’m someone else. Oh, I wish I were someone else. Not me, stuck here, imprisoned, being hurt, and knowing there’s worse to come. I try to kick out, furiously I try to kick but it’s no use. And then he yanks my hair back, so viciously it feels like my neck is going to snap. He forces me to look at him, to stare into his eyes, into the bleakness of them. There’s no vestige of humanity left, I’m certain of it. There was once, but it’s gone. It’s fled or been driven out. He’s given into the dark side entirely. He’s evil. And I’m evil too, by association. There’s no goodness left in me anymore; no innocence, no love… just hatred. That’s what’s he done to me. Made me like him. The realisation, far from destroying me, bolsters me. Why should I be at his mercy any longer? Why don’t I fight back? I never have before. I’ve always been too afraid. But the fear has gone. In an instant it’s blown itself out.

  There’s a roar, a guttural sound, coming from deep inside me. I wonder who it is at first. Am I making that sound? Am I capable? It’s so primal. The sound startles him and for a moment he loosens his grip. But it’s just a moment I need. I can kick out now, my limbs seem freer and I do. I watch in triumph as my aim hits home, as he falls to the ground, grabbing at his crotch. As bruised as I am, I jump up and grab at things, anything. The heaviest is a frying pan. I hit him with it, bringing it down with such force I wonder if I’m possessed, if something else is working through me. If so, I welcome it, beg it to lend me its demonic strength, I’d willingly trade my soul in return. It feels good, it feels wonderful, but it’s not enough. He’s screaming now. In-between there are strange yelping noises, the kind a wounded dog might make. He’s such an animal, such a damned animal! I want to hurt him so bad. I’m consumed by that desire. I want to kill him but before that I want to torture him, threaten him as he used to threaten me. Carry them out one by one – slowly, leisurely. But I have to be quick. I have to think fast. And I do. I do. I hurt him bad and his cries are like the sweetest song I’ve ever heard. I’m evil. I’ve crossed the line. And when he writhes and cries no more, I step backwards. Take another step, and another, out of the kitchen, down the narrow hallway. My eyes never leave his still and shapeless form. He’s not handsome, not anymore; he’s a slug of a man. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive and I don’t care. Because either way this is where he’ll stay. This is hell, the hell he created, the hell he deserves. I tell him this. I scream it at him. And I’ll go to hell too, for what I’ve done. I accept that. But not yet I won’t, not yet. Because I’m not dead, you see, I’m still alive.

  Hell’s still waiting for me.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  As Ellie sat bolt upright, her eyes still trancelike but wide open, Ailsa rapidly counted her down, got her back to the present. At the same time, Ruby and Ness hurried forward, both of them as startled as her. The last couple of sentences she’d uttered, what did she mean? How could you recall a past life if it wasn’t exactly that? Just what was it Ellie was recalling… or playing at?

  Ness caught her thought and looked sharply at her.

  “Not now, Ruby!”

  However much she hated to admit it, Ness was right. Now was not the time to entertain such doubts. Now was the time to focus on Ellie. The girl had sweat on her forehead and she was shaking like a pneumatic drill.

  Ailsa soothed her, as did Ness whilst Ruby went to fetch her some fresh water. Returning to the room, she was surprised to see Ellie snuggled into the side of Ness, who had one arm around her, the other stroking her hair. She didn’t have Ness down as a maternal type, not even remotely, but she was doing a good impression now. ‘Lost souls,’ Ellie had said, ‘empathise with one another.’ Whatever was happening, Ellie had brought out a much softer side in Ness. If the girl was playing at something, as she’d thought earlier, there’d be no convincing her colleague. Even so, as she handed over the glass, she asked Ellie if she remembered what she’d said.

  “I do, yes,” the girl mumbled, trying to take a sip of water but shaking too violently to manage it.

  “Here, let me,” Ness said, taking the glass from her and putting it to her lips. “Sip slowly now, that’s it, nice and slow.”

  Ruby sat next to Ailsa, who also looked troubled, and tried to wait as patiently as possible. It took a good few minutes but at last Ellie calmed.

  “Only speak when you feel able to,” Ness instructed.

  “No, I do. I feel able to now.”

  “What did you mean when you said you were alive and that hell was still waiting for you?” Ruby cut straight to the chase. It had been a long session, a long morning and there was still the Gilmore case to sort out.

  “Ellie…”

  “I don’t know,” Ellie said at last. “I don’t get it.”

  That made four of them.

  “But you killed a man, you remembered that?”

  “H
ang on, hang on, hold up a minute.” It was Ailsa, a rather shell-shocked Ailsa, holding up her hand. “We don’t know for sure she killed anyone.”

  “It sounded like it though,” Ruby persisted. “After the fight you had, you mentioned his ‘still and shapeless form’.”

  Ellie’s sigh was ragged and she seemed to shrink inside herself. “I think… I think I did kill him, from the memory… from what I can remember. Oh, God!” She let out a strangled cry. “I thought I was the one who was murdered, but it turns out I’m the murderer, the guilty one. This is awful. Awful!”

  Ness’s voice was firm. “From everything you’ve told us, the abuse you’d suffered, the humiliation you’d sustained, what happened finally between you was self-defence. He took you to the edge and he pushed you over.”

  “So this is a domestic abuse case,” Ruby offered.

  “This is a cold case,” reminded Ness. And if it was Ellie who was the murderer, Ruby suspected that was just the way it would stay.

  “I still don’t know names or location,” Ellie said, trying to stifle her sobs. “I’m useless!”

  “Don’t talk like that,” Ness did her level best to soothe her.

  “But you heard me, I wanted to hurt him, torture him—”

  “You were at the point of desperation.”

  “It still makes it wrong!”

  Ness sighed. “Murder is wrong. But sometimes it’s… understandable.”

  Ellie did break down now, her whole body shuddering. “I’m so confused. This isn’t what I expected. I’ve never hurt anyone, not in this life. Never.”

  Ness’s arm was back round her shoulders. “We know you haven’t.”

  “But like Ruby said, what did I mean, I’m still alive?’”

  Ruby felt bound to offer some sort of explanation. “Perhaps… perhaps it means you expected to die during that encounter but you didn’t, you turned the tables and survived. You went on to live, for a few more years at least.”

  Ellie shook her head. She really did look distraught. “What if it means something else?”

  “What else could it mean?”

  “That my past self is still alive. That there are two of me!”

  “No, no, that can’t be,” Ailsa looked completely perplexed. “Not in my experience anyway. A soul divided between two bodies? That’s nonsense.” She shared a look between Ness and Ruby, “Isn’t it?”

  “I would have thought so,” answered Ness.

  “Me too,” agreed Ruby. “We don’t know everything, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I’ve never heard of anything like that before. Ever.”

  Ness reverted back to her more usual brisk self. “We have to assume that what Ruby said earlier is correct: you survived that encounter with your husband, went on to live for a few more years. Let’s do the maths, work it out, you’re twenty-two, Ellie, which means you were born in 1993.”

  “That’s right, November 18th.”

  “We don’t know your exact age in your previous life but if you don’t mind me saying so, you sound starry-eyed, naïve, at least in the beginning, a young girl in love. For the sake of argument let’s say you were twenty…”

  “That feels about right,” Ellie replied. “Sometimes though, it’s as if I’m much younger. But that couldn’t be. I wish I could understand it all!”

  “Don’t fret. We’ll work with what we have. To inhabit your current body, you had to die before 1993 – we don’t know when exactly, but presuming it was shortly before that date you would have reached no more than your mid-forties. Regarding names and location, you really can’t recall anything?”

  “I can’t, I’m so sorry.” Again, Ellie dissolved in tears.

  “We’ll get to the bottom of it,” Ness continued to assure her. “We’ll carry out as many regression sessions as you like until the mystery’s solved.”

  Ellie lifted her head. “Really? All of you?” She looked at Ruby as she said it, the beseeching look on her face caused Ruby to flinch slightly. One more session, that’s all she’d promised. But how could she remind Ellie of that in the state she was in? Once again she felt a frisson of unease. What was it about Ellie that unnerved her? That gave her a sense of danger? Never one to ignore instincts, she was tempted to do so with this one. The girl was in turmoil. The mystery surrounding her had deepened. And she was involved. Had been from the beginning. How could she not see it through to the end?

  “Ellie, when you first came to see us, to tell us about what was happening to you, you mentioned the woman who started the ball rolling, Katharine. She held onto your hands, caught images of the life you’d lived before but then seemed… unsettled by it. She told you to forget it, to focus on this life only, to be grateful that the past was behind you. Why do you think she said that?”

  “I don’t know. I told you, she’s a friend of a friend. I don’t know her that well.”

  “But you said we might be able to speak to her. Can you get in touch with her, sooner rather than later. Now in fact.”

  “Now?” queried Ness.

  “Why not?” shrugged Ruby. “We’ve got a bit of time to kill before the next meeting. If we can speak to her on the phone…”

  “Well, yeah, if you think it will help. Let me text my friend, see if she’ll pass on Katharine’s number.”

  A few minutes later, Ruby was put through to Katharine.

  “Hi,” said Ruby, “thanks so much for agreeing to speak to me—” Before she could get any further, she was interrupted.

  “You’re Ruby Davis, from Psychic Surveys?”

  “Yes, that’s right.”

  “The one working on the Gilmore Street case?”

  “That’s right too.” So Katharine had been reading the papers at least.

  “I don’t want anything to do with you.”

  Ruby was stunned. “Erm… listen, this is nothing to do with the Gilmore case. I want to ask you some questions about Elisha Grey; about the images you saw when you held onto her hands. She told us about your gift.”

  “My gift is genuine.”

  Again Ruby was taken aback. “I realise that—”

  “I should never have picked up this call, I was tempted not to when I saw that the number was unknown. I should have listened to myself.”

  “But I don’t understand why.”

  “I’m not an attention seeker.”

  “And nor am I, Katharine.”

  The woman’s laugh was scornful. “Not an attention seeker? Come off it! You’ve got a business on the high street. You charge money for what you do, you invited the press into Gilmore Street…”

  “I didn’t—”

  “I’m warning you, don’t you dare mention me with regards to this reincarnation case. I don’t want my name dragged through the mud too.”

  Is that what they were doing, dragging her name through the mud? God, they didn’t waste much time. She forced herself to stay calm.

  “They don’t know anything about the reincarnation case, Katharine.”

  “Make sure it stays that way.”

  “But Ellie’s case…”

  “Is something I don’t want to get involved with either. Her past, it’s dark, it’s… complicated. Leave it alone. I don’t understand it. Why do you people always insist on interfering? Why don’t you know when to take a step back? I wish I’d never said anything now. Don’t call me again and pass on the same message to Ellie. I don’t want anything to do with either of you.”

  As the phone went dead, Ruby could only stare in disbelief.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Some people don’t help, Ruby, it’s as simple as that,” Ness said when Ruby relayed the gist of the conversation with the others in the room.

  “That’s right,” agreed Ailsa, “all they’re capable of doing is starting the ball rolling and then they step aside, leave it to others to deal with the fall out.”

  “Ruby, we don’t need Katharine,” Ness insisted. “We’re making headway.”

  “Have you seen
the papers, Ness?” Ruby asked, changing the subject.

  “Don’t worry about what’s in the papers.”

  “You’ve seen them though haven’t you?”

  “Ruby—”

  “Don’t, Ness. Don’t fob me off, tell me what they say!”

  Ness took a deep breath, had to look away for a second. “They’re saying what they feared we would. What we knew they would.”

  “That we’re charlatans.”

  “Or words to that effect.”

  “But haven’t they checked the website at least?” Ruby couldn’t keep her voice from rising. “The testimonials?”

  “What do they care about testimonials?” replied Ness. “They want a story that will sell papers that’s all, they don’t want the truth.”

  “It’s not fair, it’s just not fair.” It was Ellie, echoing Ruby’s sentiments and sounding just as upset. “You’re good people, you don’t deserve this.”

  “They’re having a field day with the fact that we charge for services,” Ness continued. “Apparently we swindle people, fool them into believing ghosts exist and then take advantage of them – financially.”

  Ruby gasped. “But the Gilmore case, they saw with their own eyes the kettle hovering in mid-air, being hurled through the window. They saw the mess the living room was in.”

  “Staged apparently, though I’m not sure who they think was pulling the strings.”

  “Testimonials,” Ruby reiterated. “We need people we’ve helped to come forward, to back us up.”

  “And I hope they will, Ruby, but don’t bank on it. They haven’t so far. The thing is, people don’t want to get involved, especially if the spotlight turns towards them. The press can be merciless, most people are aware of that.”