Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

  Stolen Breaths Series

  Stolen Breaths

  Shattered

  Skin Deep

  She hates me.

  I’m in love with her.

  Her life is a masquerade.

  Mine is cloaked in secrets.

  She thinks I can’t see her.

  But she’s the only thing I can see.

  She thinks we have nothing in common.

  We have everything in common.

  And I’m done being patient.

  I'm determined.

  She's stubborn.

  You think you know us.

  You don't.

  The things you know about us are only Skin Deep.

  If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

  ~Oscar Wilde

  Hayden

  “Get out of here! What are you doing in here, Hayden?”

  “What am I doing? What the hell are you doing in here?”

  “Nothing. I got sick.” Beth turned her head away from me and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She flushed the toilet and closed the lid.

  “You didn’t get sick. I saw you. You were making yourself throw up.”

  Beth didn’t respond. Instead, she kept her back to me and moved over to the sink, turned on the water, and cupped her hands. She slurped water into her mouth and rinsed, repeating the act a couple more times before turning the water off and dabbing her mouth with a paper towel. Her face was flushed and sweaty, strands of hair were matted to her forehead and the side of her face. Her eye makeup was smeared and a trail of black shit ran down her face. She looked like hell.

  I blocked the bathroom door, closing it behind me, and turned the lock. We were at Sal’s Diner where Lily and Beth both worked, and now, we were locked in the bathroom together. “You’re not leaving here until you explain to me what I just saw.”

  Beth stared at me through the mirror and narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t see anything. I told you that I got sick and I–”

  “Don’t.” I held up my hand, interrupting her. I shook my head and moved one step towards her. “Don’t lie to me, Beth.”

  “I don’t have to explain anything to you.”

  “If you ever want to leave this bathroom you do.” I folded my arms in front of my chest and waited. “I’m listening.”

  She turned around and mimicked my stance. “And I’m waiting for you to move.”

  “Really? You going back out there looking like that? You look like …” I paused, trying to choose my words carefully. I gritted my teeth, bit back what I truly wanted to say, and pointed at her face. “All I know is you can’t go back out there like that.”

  She turned back to the mirror while I grabbed a paper towel and tried to get to the sink, but she refused to move for me. Turning back toward me with anger obvious in her eyes, the two of us stood facing each other in a showdown of frigid stares, neither of us willing to budge and both of us waiting for the other to make the first move.

  “I can stand here all day, Beth.”

  “Why are you doing this? Why do you care, Hayden? Why do you think what I do is any of your business?”

  That hit me hard, like a shot through the heart. “Step aside, Beth, and let me get to the sink.”

  Beth uncrossed her arms with a huff. “Fine.” She moved to the side and I wet the paper towel, squeezing out the excess water. I turned around and started to reach for her face.

  She flinched and backed away from my hand. “What are you doing?”

  I pulled my hand back, and breathed out through my nose to keep from snapping at her. Calmly, I said, “I’m going to help you get this black shit off your face. Okay? Now be still.” I slowly brought up my hand again and began wiping at the mascara trails. After a few swipes it was all off, her face now streaked with red blotches where I had to wipe harder in some places.

  “You got something in your purse?” I took a step back and pointed at her face. “You’re gonna need to fix what I can’t.”

  Beth sidestepped around me and inspected herself in the mirror. “Shit,” she mumbled under her breath. She rummaged through her purse, pulled out a compact, and began to frantically rub over her face in fast sweeps. I watched her through the mirror while she struggled to put herself back together.

  Trying to change the atmosphere, I went ahead and said out loud what I was thinking. “I don’t know why you wear that shit anyway. You’re pretty without it.”

  Beth stopped what she was doing and looked at me the same way I was looking at her…through the mirror. “Don’t say things like that to me, Hayden.”

  “Why? It’s true.”

  “Just…don’t.” She closed the compact with a snap and put it back inside her purse. She turned and faced me, put her hands on her hips and asked, “Satisfied? I don’t know why you are so concerned anyway.”

  “That’s not important – the why. I just am. So start talking, why are you doing this?”

  “No. You tell me why you were spying on me in the restroom!”

  “I wasn’t spying, Beth. I was on my way to the men’s room and you left the door to the ladies’ room cracked open.”

  “So you decided to walk in on me and trap me in here with you?”

  “Yes!” I shouted, and then lowered my voice, remembering where we were. “I decided to walk in on you and find out why the hell you were jamming your finger down your throat and making yourself hurl into the goddamn toilet!” The minute the words left my lips I regretted saying them. I didn’t mean for them to come out sounding so angry. My heart pounded inside my chest. I wanted to blink, and not be standing here in this bathroom, with her in front of me, looking completely wrecked. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare I had walked into. I wanted…I wanted…

  God, what did I want?

  “Damn it,” I mumbled, pulling at my hair in frustration. I sighed, and dropped my hands in defeat, looking at her, begging her to help me understand. This wasn’t the Beth I knew. Not ten minutes ago she was smiling and laughing. I didn’t know the girl standing in front of me now.

  Beth cast her eyes downward. I could see her wilt into something small and fragile…right before my eyes. Her bottom lip quivered. “You need to let me out of here, Hayden. You can’t keep me in here.”

  “Talk to me, Beth. Please. Tell me what’s wrong. What were you doing?”

  “You already know what I was doing, yet you’re still standing here asking me. Do you want to hear me say it?”

  “No, what I want is for this to not be real. Why, Beth? You need to tell me why.”

  “Beth!” Lily called down the hall. “Are you in the bathroom?”

  Beth froze, her eyes pleading with mine not to say anything. She cleared her throat. “Yes. I’ll, uh, be out in a minute.”

  “Okay. Have you seen Hayden? Joe was looking for him.”

  I shook my head telling Beth to say she hadn’t seen me. “No, I didn’t see him before I came into the restroom. I’m…uh…washing up and I’ll be right out.” Beth kept her eyes locked on mine while she spoke to Lily through the bathroom door.

  “Okay. Well, come back to the table when you’re done. I went ahead and locked up and put the closed sign on the door. We’re getting ready to play cards as soon as we can find Hayden.”

  Beth was asked to come in to work the late afternoon shift because someone had called in sick. Normally every Sunday we all got together at Joe’s house. We grilled food and hung out – Cooper and Lily, Joe, Beth and I. Cooper started dating Lily a couple of months ago, and it was through Lily that I met Beth. I’d been seeing her every week since with these get-togethers in Joe’s backyard. We had been doing that for several weeks. It was always fun and I realized that I looked forward to it, because I got to see Beth. There was som
ething about her that I instantly liked.

  We had decided to bring our small party here today because Lily felt bad about Beth not being able to join us, and frankly I wanted to see her. We had shown up near the end of Beth’s shift so she could sit and eat with us. Because the diner closes early on Sunday nights, Sal allowed us to stay as long as we wanted. He had grown fond of both Beth and Lily, and never having had any children of his own he watched out for them, and from my observation, he treated them like his daughters.

  Thinking back, Beth had picked at her food for a long time before eating anything. Joe even started giving her a hard time about everyone else being finished before she ate. Shortly after that she stood and started bussing the table for us. After she took everything to the kitchen she had disappeared. Now, I was playing back every Sunday in my head trying to recall how many times Beth had disappeared after eating. I’d never thought about it before. Now, thinking about it, my stomach twisted in knots. Suddenly I was mad at myself for not having realized it sooner. I should have. I should have recognized the signs because they were right there in front of me.

  Beth had been good at pretending to be this happy carefree girl – bubbly and energetic. Looking at her now, I saw a girl who was anything but carefree. She obviously had demons that haunted her, and I knew from experience that fighting certain demons can be almost impossible.

  I listened through the door, making sure Lily had gone. “This isn’t over. Me keeping your secret from Lily is not a sign I’m letting this go. It’s a sign that I’m going to be a thorn in your side until you let me help you.”

  Beth prickled at my comment and unfurled herself from the protective ball she had curled into. “I don’t need your help!”

  “Yes, you do.” I took another step towards her. Beth took a step back. “And the way I see it, you don’t have much of a choice.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Do you want Lily to know what you’ve been doing?”

  Beth’s eyes pooled with unshed tears. She looked hurt by my words. “Please don’t tell Lily,” she pleaded in a whisper.

  “I’ll tell her everything unless you let me help you.” The look of fear and disbelief on Beth’s face made me feel like a total jackass.

  Her expression changed again. She glowered at me like she wanted to set me on fire. “I hate you so much right now.”

  Her words, she meant them. And hearing her tell me she hated me… it hurt, because somewhere along the way I had fallen in love with her.

  “I know you do. But I’d rather you hate me for the right reasons, than like me for the wrong ones. I guess we’ll both have to figure out how to fucking live with that.”

  Eighteen Months Later

  Beth

  I was standing outside Joe’s Bar. Lily and Maggie had both invited me out for drinks. This was their fourth invitation this month. I knew I couldn’t keep declining their invitations forever. I also knew that whenever I agreed to meet them, it would inevitably mean I would see Hayden too. Ever since that day in the bathroom at the diner, when he found out my secret, I’d avoided him…at least I’d tried to. I had also tried to convince myself that I hated him, and it’s easier to believe that when I don’t have to see him, because I can’t hate him when he’s near – when we’re in the same room or even when someone merely mentions his name. For several months now the air between us had been suffocating. I stopped counting how many times he’d tried to talk to me outside the group. Part of me wants to talk to him again, but I can’t look at him right now. He’s seen the ugliness that lives inside of me and now whenever I’m around him that’s how I feel. Ugly.

  Before opening the door to the bar, I took a deep breath and slipped on my mask. The mask that said…Hi, I’m Beth. Pleased to meet you…and… I’m so happy to be alive! The face that I showed to the world told a thousand lies, but they were necessary because the girl behind the mask barely existed. She was a ghost, an apparition, and every once in a while I might catch a glimpse of her. Only a glimpse, though. She stayed locked away inside a pit of darkness and she only came out when no one could see her.

  I secured the mask, shielding her from the world, hiding her away, and stepped inside.

  After briefly skimming the crowd, I found Lily and Maggie sitting in a back corner booth. I breathed more easily when I realized it was just the two of them.

  Approaching their table, I felt mostly like an outsider. For a time after I met Lily, she felt like a sister to me, and then I watched her grow stronger while I grew weaker, and now I didn’t know where I fit in anymore. However, I was here now, so outsider or not, I continued my way towards someone I cared about, and tried to beat back the darkness that chased me. I smoothed out my hair, fixed my smile in place, and walked towards them like I had all the confidence in the world.

  “Hi guys.”

  “Hey!” Lily said, standing to give me a hug. “Long time no see.”

  I hugged her back. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy lately. How are you?”

  “I’m good.”

  Maggie stood and I found myself hugging her as well. I wasn’t as close to Maggie, although I’d grown to care for her this past year. She and Joe got married, and their wedding was probably the last time I had spent any quality time with my friends. “We’ve missed you.” Releasing me, Maggie said, “Sit. We ordered you a drink.”

  We did what girlfriends do. We talked, laughed, and had a good time. And I truly was having a good time with them, if you don’t count how every time the door opened, I found myself holding my breath, halfway expecting Hayden to walk in. I was both relieved and disappointed every time it wasn’t him.

  I stayed about two or three hours before I decided to call it a night. I wanted to crawl out of my skin by that time, for many reasons. The main one being because after a trip to the restroom, I realized I was sad that Hayden didn’t come by the bar tonight. I had assumed he would, and had taken time to mentally prepare myself for it. When he didn’t show up I felt…rejected? I wasn’t sure what emotion I felt, I just knew I couldn’t deal with it here. I needed to get home.

  I hugged the girls, told them goodbye, grabbed my purse, and headed towards the door.

  “Hey don’t forget tomorrow night,” Lily said. “Dinner. You’re coming.”

  I nodded in defeat, because dinner was difficult. Food in general was difficult. However, I’ve managed to pull off these dinners for the past two years without suspicion, and I knew I could do it again. Working at a diner certainly had given me the training.

  I continued walking, anxious to leave, and when I touched the handle, the door swung open, causing me to startle and nearly lose my balance. There, standing in front of me, was Hayden. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there, immobile. A million and one thoughts ran through my head at that moment, and none of them made any sense. I’m not sure how many seconds ticked by before I found my voice again.

  “Ha-Hayden. Hi. Um, I was…leaving.”

  I brushed past him so fast I didn’t even notice it was raining outside until I was halfway to my car and soaking wet.

  “Beth!” Hayden shouted behind me.

  When I didn’t turn around he shouted again. “Beth!”

  I kept a fast pace to my car. I needed to get home.

  “Beth, wait!” Hayden’s hand touched my upper arm and he spun me around.

  “I’ve gotta get home, Hayden.”

  “I want to talk to you.” He was soaking wet, his hair stuck to his head. Water dripped down his face, and still he was frustratingly handsome. Beautiful, even.

  I brushed my own wet hair out of my face while trying to keep the water out of my eyes. “Can’t it wait?” I asked, gesturing at the downpour we were standing in.

  “No, it can’t. Why are you avoiding me?” The tortured look on his face was like a punch in the gut, and I had to look away.

  “I can’t do this here.” I turned on my heel and started to walk away again.

  He jumped
in front of me. “Stop running from me!”

  “I’m not running!”

  “What do you call this then?”

  “Getting out of the rain!”

  “Well, we’re already wet, so you might as well stand here and talk to me!” I couldn’t tell if he was begging me to stay or daring me to, so I took it as a dare.

  “Fine, Hayden! This is what you want? So talk!”

  He didn’t. He stood there like someone had stolen his words. That’s right, Hayden. You didn’t expect me to give in did you? There we were in the pouring rain, neither one of us saying a word. I wasn’t going to be the first to talk though, and I wasn’t going to be the first to leave. He challenged me to stand here and by God, that’s what I was going to do, shooting daggers with my eyes while I did it. I felt a burning sensation rising up inside of me and I wasn’t even sure why, other than maybe the sting of rejection I felt earlier was still slicing through me like a blade.

  The standoff continued and after about a minute of this awkwardness, I’d decided I’d had enough. Not wanting to be the first to do something only took me so far. I kept my eyes on him and took a couple of steps backwards, ready to leave, when he suddenly turned and kicked at a rock, slinging it a fairly good distance.

  “Shit!” he yelled, stalking around in circles. My feet stuck to the pavement like glue. I couldn’t move. I watched as he seethed with anger. He ran his fingers through his wet hair and then yelled again, “SHIT!” He stood with his face pointing towards the ground, hands still tangled in his hair. His chest heaved. I remained completely motionless. Then, like someone suddenly threw a switch, he marched towards me, taking three long strides, and grabbed my face, kissing me hard on the lips. He backed me up against the nearest car and kissed me like I was his last breath. Warm and sweet, hard and soft, and a whole other array of sensations I couldn’t quite grasp at the moment. My mind was spinning like a top.