Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

  “I don’t know how to stop it.” I whispered.

  “Stop what?”

  “Falling.”

  Beth gazed into my eyes, and I could see the shimmer from before returning, then she dipped her eyes to the ground. “Before…when you kissed me, I need you to not do that again. Standing here in front of you, I almost let myself believe that I’m what you need.” She shook her head slowly and looked at me. “You deserve so much better than–”

  “Beth—” I interrupted her. I had to. I couldn’t hear her say we were about to take two steps back after we’d come so far.

  “No, let me finish.” She hugged herself and looked at her feet again before drawing her eyes back up to meet mine. “I want to be better. I want to get better. That’s huge, because I’ve never wanted to fix myself more than I do right now. I don’t want to be a pile of sand anymore. I want to be a castle, one that won’t get washed away by the tide. Right now, standing in front of you, you feel like the tide, and I could easily be swept away by you. Part of me even wants that, but where would that leave us?”

  “What are you saying, Beth? You won’t even give me a chance? Give us a chance? My voice sounded hoarse, and I could hear the bitter pain eking out under the words. I stayed standing, though, not moving, even though every part of my body was aching to move in her direction.

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. When you kiss me again, Hayden…” She locked her eyes on mine, “…I want to be the girl you see when you look at me. I want to be that girl. So I’m asking…can you not kiss me again…yet?”

  I blinked a few times, trying to let everything she said sink in. I scrubbed my hands over my face and then stalked over to one of her porch chairs and took a seat. “Just so I understand, you’re not pushing me away? You just don’t want me to kiss you?”

  “Yet. I don’t want you to kiss me yet.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. I could work with this. She was telling me what she needed from me. I realized that maybe I’m not the one who needs to lead right now. Maybe I need to let her lead me. “Okay. But so you know, when I do kiss you again, Beth…” I stood and took the steps to close the distance between us and held her face in my hands. “…you’ll be begging me to never stop. I feel like I should warn you…I plan on branding those lips of yours.”

  Beth grinned. “Is that gonna hurt?”

  “It’ll hurt so good.” I kissed her temple, wishing I could stand on her porch all night. “I should probably go. I’m gonna let you get some rest.” I turned and made my way back to my truck.

  “Hayden,” Beth called breathlessly when I reached for the door handle.

  I stopped and turned towards her. “Yeah?”

  She opened her mouth, no words falling out. Her heart spoke to mine though. I felt it. I’m not sure what our hearts spoke about exactly, but they were speaking, and that was enough. I smiled. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  I climbed into the cab of my truck, where Beth’s scent still lingered, sweet, like cotton candy. I turned the ignition and the truck roared to life. I made sure Beth was safely inside before I pulled away, then hit the shuffle on my iPod. Puddle of Mud by The Black Keys played through the speakers. It made me recall the time I took her to see them in concert.

  She was so excited to be going that she threw her arms around my neck and squeezed. I’d teased her about it saying that she was cutting off my circulation. Truth was, though, that was exactly the reaction I had hoped to get. Backing out of her driveway, I reached for my cell phone when I noticed the time. I pressed send and waited.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s tomorrow.”

  Beth laughed. “I guess it is.” She went quiet for a few seconds then said, “You’re listening to The Black Keys.”

  “I am.”

  “Hayden,” she said. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Trusting me with your secret.”

  I went quiet, contemplating what I wanted to tell her. “Get some sleep. I call you later.”

  “Okay, bye, Hayden.”

  Driving home, my mind was solely on Beth and the words that I had wanted to tell her still lingering on the tip of my tongue.

  I’m trusting you with a lot more than my secret, sweetheart.

  Beth

  I couldn’t sleep. I was fighting my impulses and thinking about Hayden. I was mentally exhausted, physically drained, yet sleep was impossible. I thought about the conversation we’d had on the porch, and how he had confided in me about his sister. How his best friends didn’t know this major part of him. Seeing him so guilt-ridden and sad made me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let go. It also made me want to look at all the parts of myself. I took a good long look and I didn’t like what I saw. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. I couldn’t even imagine. All I knew was how I felt when he did…timeless. Like the cruelty of life hadn’t left its mark on my soul and I was exempt from the harshness of the passing time and jaded memories. I wanted to meld what he saw in me and how he made me feel into one reality. My reality. I knew it had to start with me. I had to change my perception of myself if I ever wanted to see myself through his eyes. He deserved someone who could stand on their own two feet. I was crawling at best.

  I lay in my bed, allowing thoughts and memories to invade my sleepy mind.

  Last year for Christmas Ms. Sophie had gifted me with a book. Not just any book. She’d plucked this book off her own book shelf and handed it to me. “Read this,” she’d said. “It served its purpose well for me. I think it might serve its purpose well for you now, dear. I want you to have it.”

  It wasn’t that I was ungrateful for the gift or the idea that she had wanted to give me something that was hers. I was grateful, and the thought behind it moved me. I just wasn’t much of a reader and I thought her book would serve its purpose better if it stayed with her. However, since nobody said no to Ms. Sophie, I took it with gratitude and brought it home, placing it on my bookshelf.

  Getting out of bed, I padded down the hallway and into the living room. I turned on a lamp and wandered over to the bookshelf. Ms. Sophie’s book was titled Landslide by S.L. McCormick. I held it for the first time since I’d brought it home and sat with it on the couch. I flipped through the pages and stopped when I saw some words highlighted on a page.

  “Love like his was my gift and my punishment. It was my gift in that he loved me when I was intolerable. It was my punishment in that I had to lose it to know that it was a gift.”

  I flipped to the next page.

  “Knowing that I had lost something precious to me wasn’t my deepest regret. My deepest regret was never showing him that he was precious to me in the first place.”

  I flipped to another page.

  “To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one only essential thing.” ~ Joan of Arc

  I closed the book and stared at it, holding it in my lap. Then I opened the book again. This time I started at the beginning.

  “One must be careful of books, and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us. ~ Cassandra Clare, The Infernal Devices

  Beth

  “You sure you want to do this?” Hayden asked me.

  “Yes, I do. Besides, you invited me, remember? Are you sure you want me here, because if you don’t, if you’ve changed your mind, I can–”

  “No. I haven’t changed my mind. I do want you here. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with meeting Annabeth today, that it’s not too soon. I don’t want to push.”

  Hayden knew the last few days had been especially hard for me. The pressure to not give in to the war that raged inside of me was almost too much. I wanted to succumb to my urges so badly I found myself gritting my teeth in an effort to fight it. Like now. My jaw ached. I put on a happy face, though.

  “Yes, I want to meet her, and today is perfect. Does she know you’re bringing someone?”

  “Kish!” a little girl blurted, running towards Hay
den’s truck.

  Hayden chuckled. “Well, looks like you’re about to meet her, and yes, she knows I’m bringing someone.”

  Hayden and I both stepped out of the truck and the little girl jumped into Hayden’s arms. “You’re still taking me to the park, right?” She had her little arms wrapped around his neck so tightly I wondered if he could breathe.

  He let her hold on, squeezing her in a giant bear hug. “Of course. Hey, I want you to meet someone. Annie, this is Beth. Beth, this is Annie.” His face lit up as he introduced us to each other. Knowing this was important to Hayden, it was important to me too. I wanted more than anything for Annie to like me.

  The little girl unwrapped her arms from Hayden’s neck and he gently put her down. I squatted so I was eye level with her. “Hi, Annie. It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Are you coming with us to the park?”

  “I am. Is that okay?”

  She nodded her little head. “Yep. Now I have a girl to play with me.”

  “Hey, I play with you,” Hayden said, pretending to be hurt.

  “You can’t fix my hair, Kish.” She removed two ponytail holders from her wrist and handed them to me. “Can you put my hair in pigtails?”

  “I think I can manage that,” I said, looking around. We were standing outside their apartment building. Was I supposed to fix her hair right here? “Umm, why don’t we sit in Hayden’s truck and I’ll fix your hair in there. I’ll pull down the visor so you can watch me in the mirror. How’s that?”

  “Okay,” she said.

  “I’m gonna go up and let her mom know I’ve got her. I’ll be right back.”

  “Well we have some primping to do, so take your time.” I took Annie’s hand, sat her between my legs in the front seat, and began fixing her hair. She watched me in the mirror while I did it.

  “My mommy usually fixes my hair for me, but she’s not feeling good today so I didn’t want to ask her.”

  “I’m sorry your mom feels bad. She got a cold or something?”

  “No. She’s tired. She’s been tired a lot.”

  I nodded while I looped the ponytail holder around her hair on one side, and then began working on the other side. “Maybe she’ll feel better by the time we get back.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” Annie said. She sounded sad, and I wondered if there was something more to the story.

  “Hey, you think we could talk Hayden into buying us ice cream while we’re at the park?”

  In the mirror I could see her expression brighten and she giggled. “You want me to ask him or do you want to do it?”

  “I bet he’ll say yes faster if you ask him.” I finished her hair and tightened both pigtails. “What do you think? Did I do a good job?”

  She admired her hair in the mirror. “Yep. You fixed it like Mommy does.”

  For some reason, her saying that made me feel good.

  Hayden was making his way back towards us and opened the driver’s side door. “Okay punkin, you know the drill. Get in your booster seat.”

  Annie climbed over the console and sat in her seat while Hayden strapped her in. “You like my hair? Beth fixed it like Mommy fixes it.”

  “It’s beautiful,” Hayden said. He kissed her on the forehead. “Ready to ride, Clyde?”

  She giggled and nodded her head. “Let’s roll, Joel.”

  I laughed at their conversation while Hayden climbed in and started the truck. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s make sure we have everything. Got your sunglasses?”

  She pulled a pair of glasses out of the little purse she was carrying and put them on her face. “Check.”

  “Sidewalk chalk?”

  She looked in her purse again. “Check.”

  “Anything else you want to grab before we leave?” Hayden asked.

  “Nope. I’m ready, Freddie.”

  Hayden put the truck in reverse and I couldn’t stop the smile that stretched across my face.

  “What are you smiling about?” he asked.

  “You two…” I glanced at Annie in the back seat, then at him, and then focused on a tree we were about to pass before I finished my thought. “You belong together.”

  Hayden squeezed my hand. He didn’t need to say anything. I knew how he felt about her. It was obvious that he adored his sister. It was also obvious that she adored him.

  At the park Annie spent the majority of her time on the swings. “Push me harder!” she squealed. “I want to go higher!”

  “That’s high enough,” Hayden said. I chuckled at the way he would cringe when she would be swinging fast and high and she would lean forward, making him think she was going to jump off. She got him every time.

  After a while, she’d had enough of the swings, and was running towards the merry-go-round where a group of other kids were playing. We hung back and watched how she interacted with kids her own age. She didn’t appear to be shy. In fact, she was like a little daredevil.

  “Nothing scares her does it?” I commented.

  Hayden’s eyes stayed trained on Annie while he answered me. “No. It’s like she looks at the world and sees an adventure around every corner.” He shrugged his shoulders and grinned.

  Then the grin faded and sadness took its place. “A couple of years ago she couldn’t even walk. She had a tumor on her spinal cord.” He rubbed his eyes and blew out a sharp breath. “When I met my sister for the first time she couldn’t even get out of bed.”

  I said nothing, hoping he would answer the questions that were swimming around in my head while I glued my eyes to the sweet little girl that was now skipping around like nothing had ever been wrong with her.

  “After I learned everything about the tumor, I checked around, found the best surgeon, and got Annie the surgery she needed to remove the tumor. Before that, though, Annie’s mom had tried to get my dad to help her. She couldn’t afford what her insurance didn’t cover and she was desperate.”

  “What happened?”

  He turned his head away from me, a bit too late, because I saw the anguish that plagued him. “What happened was…” He paused, unable to continue. His eyes swept the ground like the words he was searching for laid at his feet. Then his eyes drifted back up and landed on Annie, who was laughing hysterically, spinning round and round on the merry-go-round. “That was the day I learned I had been raised by the devil.”

  I remained quiet, letting him tell his story. “I lost one family that day, and gained another.” Hayden smiled at the sound of Annie’s laughter. “She’s been stuck with me ever since.”

  “What did your father do, Hayden?”

  “Remember when I told you I found out I had a sister by accident?” I nodded. “I was on my way to my father’s office. I used to work for him. He naturally wanted me to take over the company one day when he retired. Anyway, it was after regular business hours and everyone else had gone home. I heard voices coming from the other side of the door and figured he was in a meeting with someone. Then I heard my father yelling, and something being shoved against the wall. I had no idea what was going on. My first concern was for my father, so I barreled in the door without knocking first and saw my father standing over a woman with a raised fist. She was crumpled on the floor, crying, covering her head with both hands.”

  I touched Hayden’s arm and that prompted him to look at me. “I still can’t get that image out of my head, Beth, no matter how hard I try.”

  I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to crawl inside his chest and stand guard over his broken heart. Because that was what his parents had given him…a broken heart. We stared at each other. Kids running and playing in the background, sounds of dogs barking, people around us talking…it was all so loud, yet, I somehow tuned it all out. My hand slid down his arm and wrapped around his wrist. His pulse was strong and rapid; I could feel it thumping against my fingertips. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when I moved closer to him. I laced my fingers through his, never breaking eye contact, and brought his h
and up to my lips and kissed the top of his hand, gently.

  He sucked in a breath and then my name escaped when he released it. “Beth.”

  “Kish!” Annie shouted. “Watch me!”

  We both turned to watch Annie and another little girl try to do cartwheels while they laughed at themselves. I turned my head to look at the man standing beside me, and I realized that he’d been standing beside me since we met…in some way. I know that now.

  His face illuminated when he gazed at Annie. Gone was the anguish he had previously worn. It was then I thought to ask, “Why does Annie call you, Kish?”

  Hayden chuckled. “One day she asked me what my middle name was. I told her Christopher. She had a hard time pronouncing it and told me, ‘I’m gonna call you Kish. It’s easier.’”

  “She couldn’t say Hayden?”

  “She could, but Molly and I laughed so hard at her calling me Kish that she realized it was funny, so that’s what she started calling me. She hasn’t called me Hayden in years.”

  “I like it. It’s cute.”

  He rolled his eyes, but I knew he liked it too. We continued to watch Annie tumble and fall and then the sounds of an ice cream truck rang out. Annie heard the music from the truck and she stopped what she was doing. Her eyes wide with excitement, she jumped up and down and ran towards us. “Kish! Can me and Beth have ice cream?”

  “Don’t you mean, Beth and I?”

  She shook her head and put her hands on her hips. “No, I mean me and Beth. You can have one too, though.”

  I covered my mouth to hide my laugh.

  I tugged on Hayden’s hand. “Come on, Kish. Buy us some ice cream.”

  We were sitting on a park bench, and after Hayden handed me my ice cream cone, I looked up and saw someone I knew…someone I had gone out with once. It had been a couple of years, and seeing Jack now, even after all this time, I was flooded with memories I would have preferred to stay dormant.

  He had come into the diner and flirted with me nonstop for a week and he was a nice enough guy, or so I thought. When he got around to asking me out, I’d accepted. I was excited that someone had asked me out, and the date had gone really well. He even asked me out again, which had given me a much needed boost of confidence. I appreciated those moments because they helped keep the voices in my head at bay. Only, he never showed up for our second date.