Skin Deep

by Pamela Sparkman

  I climbed out of Hayden’s lap reluctantly. I wanted to stay curled up in his arms forever. “Okay,” I said against his mouth. “Hurry back.”

  After Hayden closed the door, I sat beside Molly on her bed. She shifted her legs to make room for me. “He’s been in love you for a long time,” Molly said, searching my face for my reaction. I looked at my hands and picked at my cuticles. I was ashamed of myself for not seeing it. I wish I had.

  “Of course, he never came right out and told me, but I knew. I knew Hayden had his heart set on someone. He always mentioned his friends and whenever he would mention a girl named Beth…” Molly grinned at me, “…his eyes would shine. I never questioned it because, if I knew anything about Hayden, it was that he kept things to himself. But I knew.”

  I continued to pick at my cuticles. “I’m in love with him, too.”

  “I know.”

  We were quiet for a while after that. You don’t have to fill every silent moment with words. Sometimes it’s enough to let the words already spoken resonate and settle inside the cracks within our hearts, minds, and souls and let them work at healing what was damaged from past spoken words.

  We were both healing old wounds. It was comforting to know we could do this together. Like sisters.

  Later in the day everyone else started showing up. Cooper and Lily brought Annie shortly after breakfast, and when Joe and Maggie showed up, I decided it was time to let everyone know the news. Hayden had called Ms. Sophie last night and told her about Molly and me, so we didn’t need to wait for her. I glanced at Molly, a question in my eyes.

  She knew what I was asking without me having to say a word. She gave me her approval with a nod.

  “Everyone, I have something to tell you.” I was beaming. I went from being in shock and confused, to being relieved and grateful. At this point, I think I was plain giddy. I could feel it all over from head to toe and I knew they could see my excitement. I couldn’t hide it if I tried. First things first, though, I wanted to reassure everyone that I was doing better. I didn’t want any lingering doubts. Annie climbed up on her mother’s bed and settled in like it was story time.

  “I have had the best month of my life,” I continued. “I’ve learned a lot about myself. Even though it wasn’t easy to get here, I’m in a much better place than I was before. I found myself. I told you guys when I came home about my parents, how I was separated from my sister and everything that followed…how I ended up where I was, physically and emotionally.” I tried not to get too detailed with Annie in the room. However, she needed to hear what I had to say, too. When everyone nodded, I fixed my eyes on Hayden’s. “He saw me. He saw me through the clutter, half-truths, and concrete walls. He saw the real me. It was him seeing me that opened my eyes, made me want to go searching for the girl he saw when he looked at me. And I found her.”

  Hayden smiled with his whole face, and looked at me like I was his whole world. I reciprocated the smile, and threw my hands up in the air. “Hello world! I’m Beth Covington. I am a recovering bulimic. I am shy and unsure most of the time, but I’m working on it. I am more confident today than I was yesterday. I am more hopeful today than yesterday. I am more inspired today than yesterday. Today, I am more than I was. Tomorrow, I will be more than I am today.”

  Annie giggled and Joe laughed. Together they said, “Nice to meet you, Beth Covington.” I think Joe was rubbing off on Annie.

  “The pleasure is mine,” I said, taking a bow, and then kept going because I was bursting to get it all out. “I’ve learned many things since I came to Nashville. I learned that real friendships grow stronger when you grow weaker. It took me a while to figure that out. I learned that boys do grow up to become men. I need to look no further than Hayden to know that. Thank you, Hayden, for pushing me. Without you, I don’t know where I would be today.”

  The look he gave me said it all. The look of devotion.

  “You’re welcome,” he said. “Even though I thought a time or two you wanted to kill me.”

  Everyone laughed, including me. “I did…a time or two.” After a moment of staring at each other, I remembered what I was doing. “Right, well…I’ve been babbling. Sorry. I have so much to say.” My eyes took a short trip around the room. Everyone I loved and cared about was listening. I had their complete undivided attention, and my chest expanded with happiness and pride.

  “I have a story to tell you.” This was mostly for Annie’s benefit, hoping it would be easier for her to understand. “Once upon a time there were two sisters, and oh man, they loved each other fiercely. They shared a room, and secrets, laughs, and jokes. They shared their lives. One day a big bad fire came along and destroyed their whole world. A series of events took place that left the two sisters broken, battered, bruised, and alone. Separated and lost. Life as they knew it was over. The two sisters tried to move through their new and unfamiliar lives, both doing things they weren’t proud of.” I paused, and then said, “Sometimes finding ways to survive can nearly kill you. But maybe almost dying is the best way to get you to stop almost living. At least, that’s what I’m taking away from this whole experience. Life is a gift and I’m done wasting it.” I looked at Molly. “What about you, sis?”

  Molly acknowledged me with a wink and we both waited to see how long it would take for our friends to realize what I had said. After a beat, Cooper moved his index finger back and forth between Molly and me, a question hanging in the air as he drew his eyebrows together. “You two are sisters? Did…when…how…?”

  “Not until I walked through that door,” I said, pointing behind him. “I saw her for the first time yesterday. We’ve been catching up ever since.”

  “So, all this time that Hayden has been…while you’ve been…and he was…?” Lily stammered. “And you never knew? Nobody knew?”

  “Nope.”

  “Wow.”

  Maggie put her hand on my shoulder. “I can’t believe it. Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  “What are the odds?” Cooper said in awe.

  “Believe me, we’re still wrapping our minds around it, too.”

  “Well, we’re happy for you,” Joe said. “Does Ms. Sophie know?”

  “Thank you. And yes, Hayden already told her.”

  Annie sat up and looked from me to her mother, and naturally everyone waited to see how she would react. Maybe I hadn’t thought this through completely. Perhaps we should have found another way to tell her.

  “You remember me telling you I was separated from my sister, don’t you, sweetheart?” Molly said, stroking Annie’s hair. Annie nodded, not yet saying a word, still looking between me and her mother, like she was putting something together. “I told you I named you after her, you remember that too?” Another nod. “Well, Beth’s full name is Bethany Anne. And your full name is Annabeth. I gave you the best name in the whole world.”

  I had so much to process over the last twenty-four hours that I never even considered Annie being named after me. She named her daughter after me.

  “Molly,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “She deserved a great name,” Molly said, shrugging her shoulders like it was no big deal.

  It was a huge deal.

  “So that’s why you could always fix my hair like mommy fixes it,” Annie said, looking at me, questions in her eyes.

  Still unsure how Annie felt, I said, “I guess so, sweetie.”

  She nodded again and then a great big smile took over her face. “Do I get to call you Aunt Beth?”

  I would have thought I had cried out all of my tears by now. But the second she asked if she could call me “aunt”… my tears fell afresh. “I would like that very much.”

  She hopped up on her knees, holding her arms out for me to hug her. The…best…hug… ever. Then she said over my shoulder, “Kish, I have a family.”

  I closed my eyes because I felt it. I held Hayden’s heart and I could feel the sting of those words. He was happy for us, I knew
that. But he was sad for himself.

  Gently, Hayden said, “Yes you do, punkin. Yes you do.”

  Then Molly surprised us both. “Annie, there’s something else I need to tell you.”

  Annie

  “What is it, Mommy?”

  Mommy looked at everyone in the room. “Guys, can you give us a minute? Hayden and Beth, can you stay?”

  Everyone left except for Kish and Beth. I mean Aunt Beth. The room got real quiet, so I asked Mommy again, “Mommy, what’s wrong?”

  She looked at Kish and then at Aunt Beth, so I looked at them, too. Aunt Beth looked happy, but Kish wasn’t smiling anymore. His eyes kept bouncing all over the room.

  “I should have told you this a long time ago,” Mommy said, “and I’m so sorry that I didn’t.” Her throat did this up and down thing.

  “Molly, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Kish said, reaching for the door.

  Aunt Beth looked at Kish, and for some reason her smile was gone now, too. “Hayden, please stay.”

  Kish shook his head and then looked at me. His eyes were watery and his throat did that up and down thing like Mommy’s was. “I can’t, Beth. I’ll…I’ll be back. I need…to uhh…I need to get a drink of water.”

  He was out the door before I could ask if he was okay. It scared me. “Is Kish okay? Is he sick, Mommy?”

  “No baby. He’s not sick. He’s…he’s worried, I think.”

  “What’s he worried about?”

  Aunt Beth held my hand. She didn’t say anything, though, so I asked Mommy again, “What’s the matter with him?”

  “Honey, I’ve always told you that Kish was our friend–”

  “He is our friend.”

  “Let me finish, baby. Yes, he is our friend… he’s also something more. He’s…something more to you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Baby…” Mommy looked at me, and she was crying. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”

  Seeing Mommy cry was making me cry. “T-tell me what?” I wiped my eyes because Mommy was getting all blurry.

  “He wanted you to know. He always wanted you to know, so don’t be mad at him, okay?”

  “Wanted me to kn-know what, Mommy? You’re sc-scaring me.”

  “I’m sorry, baby.” Mommy wiped her eyes, too, and took a big breath. She took my hands and held them to her chest. I could feel her heart beating fast. “Annie, you and Kish have the same daddy but not the same mommy.”

  “What does that m-mean?”

  “It means that Kish is your…he’s your brother, baby.”

  Hayden

  I held onto the frame of the vending machine. I think I needed it to hold myself up. My forehead rested against the glass while I tried to get myself together. I can’t believe I walked out like that. All this time I had wanted nothing more than for Annie to know who I was to her and when the moment came to tell her, I got scared. I fucking left.

  I kicked the machine. “Shit!”

  “Wouldn’t you hate arguing with an auctioneer?”

  I turned my head to the side, leaving my forehead on the glass, my arms still bracing the frame. “What?”

  “Think about it. You wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise. You know what else would suck?”

  I knew what he was doing. While I may not understand everything that came out of Joe’s mouth, I understood how his mind worked. I removed myself from the vending machine and stared at the floor. He wanted to distract me, take my mind off what was happening. I appreciated it, but it wasn’t going to work this time.

  “Thanks.” I patted his shoulder and turned to walk out of the waiting room.

  “What are you thanking me for?”

  “For always having my back.”

  I opened the door and Joe raised his voice. “Hey!” I stopped, not turning around. “We have each other’s back,” he said. “She loves you…that little girl. Whatever you’re worried about…don’t worry about it.”

  “I hope she still feels that way after she knows.” I let the door close behind me and when I scanned both sides of the hallway I didn’t know which way to turn. If I turned right it would lead me back to Molly’s room. If I turned left it would take me to the elevators.

  I ran my fingers through my hair, tried releasing my anxiety by blowing it out in a long, slow breath. I scanned both sides of the hallway again, weighing my options. I could go back to Molly’s room, or I could take the elevators and put some distance between me and whatever fate lay ahead.

  Before I could decide, the elevator dinged, and Ms. Sophie walked out. She saw me immediately, and walked towards me, happiness on her face. When she got close to me, her happiness fell and shattered at her feet. She put her hand on my arm.

  “What’s wrong, dear? Is it Molly? Did something happen?”

  “No, no, she’s fine.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  My life was about to change and because I didn’t know if that change was going to break me or leave me whole, I was stuck in this spot. Of course, that’s not what I said. As a matter of fact, I said nothing at all.

  “Oh, I see.”

  “You see what?”

  “You’re scared.”

  I neither confirmed nor denied it.

  “Question is, what are you afraid of?” Ms. Sophie examined me while I stood there silently, choosing to stare at the wall over her shoulder. After a moment she said, “I was already on my way here when Lily called and said Beth told everyone how she and Molly were sisters.” I nodded. “How did Annie take the news?”

  “She was happy. She’s already calling her Aunt Beth.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful, dear.” She cocked her head to the side. “So what’s happening now? What’s got you looking like you’re ready to jump off a building?”

  My throat felt like it was closing up. I had to strain to get the words out. “Molly is…she’s telling Annie…about me. I panicked. I said I needed some water and I left the room.”

  I turned right and started to walk towards Molly’s room. I didn’t know why exactly because I still hadn’t ruled out turning left. Ms. Sophie stepped in line beside me and slipped her arm through mine.

  I thought about Annie and what she was hearing right now. She may never trust me to tell her the truth ever again. I’d lied to her. She would have every reason to stop trusting me. I let her believe a lie.

  I let her believe a lie.

  I kept playing those six words over and over in my head and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I came to a dead stop and stared up at the ceiling, gripping the back of my neck.

  God, I love that kid.

  I dropped my hands and let them hang loosely at my sides before tucking them in my front pockets. The same question that had plagued me for the past two years resurfaced. I needed an answer.

  “How could he do it, Ms. Sophie?”

  “How could who do what, dear?”

  I swallowed the sob that wanted to break free, and pushed it down. Deep, deep down. When I felt it hit the bottom of my stomach I started again. “My father,” I said, my voice cracking like an old door on rusty hinges. “How did he walk away from her? How, Ms. Sophie? Please tell me, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. How does a parent walk away from their child? Evidently I’m not smart enough to understand. You must know…tell me…there’s never been a problem you couldn’t solve or a question you couldn’t answer. I’m begging you to explain it to me.”

  I think I could almost hear Ms. Sophie’s soul sigh. “I don’t know, dear.” She reached up and palmed my cheek. “Some questions can’t be answered, not rationally.”

  I opened my mouth to say something. Nothing came out. I put my hands on my hips and silently pleaded for her to try harder to find the answer. Because I needed one.

  “You wouldn’t do that, dear.”

  “Do what?”

  “Walk away from Annie.”

  “I would walk on broken glass first.”
<
br />   “I know. Annie knows that, too. You need to stop beating yourself up over this, dear. Looking at the torment you’re putting yourself through is breaking my heart.”

  I blew out a breath. “I don’t want that.”

  “You don’t want what, dear?”

  “To break your heart. I don’t want that.”

  “Then stop doing this to yourself. Tell me, what would you do if Annie decided she didn’t want you in her life?”

  That thought was too painful to entertain. “It would destroy me.”

  She tilted her head ever so slightly. “It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t. But you didn’t answer the question, dear. What would you do?”

  “I would do whatever I had to do to convince her how sorry I was.”

  “What if she came out that door and threw a fit and pitched a tantrum when you tried to talk to her?”

  “Annie doesn’t throw tantrums.”

  “No, she doesn’t. I don’t know what kind of reaction you’re trying to brace yourself for, because she loves you, dear. You don’t see how she looks at you when you aren’t looking. She thinks you are the sun. She orbits around you…and you…you stay still for her…let her grow and learn and be who she is. You’re constant, unwavering.”

  I never had a chance to respond to that because a little blonde-haired, blue eyed girl stepped out of Molly’s room, and when she did, I stopped breathing. Not metaphorically either. I literally sucked in a breath and held it.

  No one else came out behind her and I found myself searching for clues that would give me some idea what I could expect. Annie lowered her eyes, and then slowly, slowly she started to look up.

  Everything slowed. The sounds around me dragged and became distorted. The world started to spin at warp speed, with images flashing in front of me, like fragmented moments that stopped and hovered in front of my face, photographs I could pluck from the air. The first was a picture of Annie in this hospital, lying in a bed, unable to walk. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. I had no idea when I walked into that room that she would capture my heart, but that was exactly what happened. She was frail and tiny and I loved her on sight, from right where I stood, and I’ve loved her ever since.