Heartbreaker (Filthy Dirty Love #1)

by Stacey Kennedy

  A bird soared by the window, and Maddox watched it fly high in the sky. “I can’t fix it. She realized I can’t be the man she needs.”

  “She said that?” Grey asked, his voice incredulous.

  Maddox glanced over his shoulder, finding Grey’s expression incredulous too. “Not in so many words.”

  Grey frowned, his eyes narrowed, thoughtful, before he said, “Listen, I saw her that night at the bar when I told her you’d left. She’s a good girl who’s listening to you because you told her not to care about you. But she does. That can’t be faked.”

  Maddox turned back to the window and shoved his hands into his pockets, staring out at the trees waving in the wind. “Her caring about me isn’t the issue.” He knew she cared. She’d told him as much. This wasn’t so much about her, as it was about him. “I know there’s something between us.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  Maddox sighed, not sure how to answer Grey. The words seemed too complicated to even explain. His life as he’d known it had shifted, taking a new direction. He lived by logic. He’d made choices for his life because of his past. Relationships were trouble…that was what he knew. Women were difficult…that was what he’d seen. Those were the things he had known and experienced in his life. He had made rules: Don’t date. Don’t love.

  That was the way he lived.

  Now… “Nothing looks the same, Grey,” he admitted, not only to his friend but also to himself. “Nothing feels the same.” He paused. Then, still staring out the window, he added, “It’s all fucking different now.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “She’s making me want things I’ve never wanted before. Christ, I fucking miss her. I don’t know what I’m doing without her. How is that not a bad thing?”

  A pause. Then, “Man up, you fucking baby.”

  Maddox glanced over his shoulder. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” Grey said, slowly rising from his seat, expression tight. “First, you whine about how you shouldn’t have touched her. Then, you’re lucky enough to get to be with that beautiful, sweet woman, not once, but a handful of times, and you’re still fucking whining.”

  “Grey,” Maddox warned.

  He stepped forward, eyes narrowed into slits. “You’ve got this great girl who’s cool as shit. She’s not clingy. She’s perfectly happy accepting the dipshit that you are. And instead of going and loving the hell out of her, you’re sitting here with me, whining about missing her. Want me to get you some diapers or a bottle, maybe a blankie so I can tuck you in for naptime?”

  Maddox’s glare deepened. “Please, Grey, tell me what you really think.”

  Grey stepped closer, nearly nose-to-nose with Maddox, and did exactly that. “You’ve learned that your mother, who you thought had abandoned you, didn’t. You can’t fall on that crutch anymore to avoid getting close to this girl, who, from the way I see it, is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  It seemed so simple from Grey’s point of view, but… “Our jobs—”

  “Are a fucking issue that you can fix,” Grey retorted harshly. “You made the mess, yes. Now, go clean it up.” He slapped a hand on Maddox’s shoulder. “Take my advice, buddy. Go swallow your goddamn pride, do what you need to do to right this situation, and go claim what’s fucking yours.”

  Chapter 13

  Day three without Maddox…well, sucked. All through the passing days, Joss thought over her decision, doubted herself, then decided it was for the best. Self-preservation was her only recourse, but it didn’t mean she had to like it. Even Emilia had warned her. Don’t fall in love with him.

  Since she’d started back up with Maddox, she’d kept worrying about falling in love with him. The truth was, she’d been in love with him all along. Sure, at first, she was in love with the way he touched her. But then she’d realized the guy behind the sizzling touches was even better. Honorable, sweet at the right moments, strong when he needed to be. For the first time, she couldn’t hide behind the shield she kept up to protect herself. He’d been the guy she’d always been looking for, and that’s why no one measured up to him.

  But he’d recently changed the game. He’d gotten jealous, and that had only made things more confusing. Sure, it would have been easy to hope that he’d be the guy she wanted him to be. Of course, she could hope that he would decide that she was the one for him and they could be together, no longer hiding and pretending they didn’t have something special between them. But then she’d end up being like every girl from his past, just like he’d said: “Girls who think they can change me.”

  Hell-to-the-no, she would not be that girl, she decided…again…as she held onto the paper cup of her piping-hot coffee and strode through police headquarters, studying how different HQ was than the other precincts in Seattle. Criminals didn’t get processed at this downtown location, so for the most part, the building looked cleaner, friendlier. Hell, even fancier.

  Once she’d reached the big corner office, she found the man she needed to talk to today sitting behind his desk, reading documents set out before him. The city skyline was a stunning view out the wall of windows behind him as she knocked on the door.

  The Chief of Police glanced up and then greeted her with a warm smile. “Joss. What a terrific surprise. Please, come in.” He rose immediately and moved to her as she entered his office, then he took her into a warm embrace.

  She rested her cheek against his shoulder, hugging him right back. She figured that most rookies found Eric to be a little intimidating, but she never had. Beneath his tough exterior was a big, cuddly bear, whom she had many fond memories of from when she was a child. Most of her summers while growing up had been spent at Eric’s family lake house. His daughter, Lana, had been Joss’s childhood friend from as early as she could remember until tenth grade. Eric’s bitter divorce, and Lana’s mother’s move to Chicago, was the only reason Lana and Joss weren’t still close. Of course, they had tried to keep in touch over email, but sadly, life often got in the way.

  When Eric finally leaned away, he gave her a long look. “You’re looking well.” He tapped her arms and smiled. “And strong. Look what the academy’s done to you.”

  “Toughened me up, for sure.” She smiled back.

  “Please, take a seat.” He waved to the chairs in front of his desk. “How are things?”

  There were a million ways to answer that question. Instead of making this conversation too complicated, she took her seat and said, “Things are great. And you?”

  “Busy, as always,” Eric said, returning to his chair behind his desk. “But it’s a good busy. Are they treating you well in the west?”

  “Very well, thank you.”

  Eric leaned forward in his seat and steepled his fingers beneath his chin. “I’m pleased to hear that. And while I love to see you, I’m guessing your visit today isn’t personal?”

  “Actually, it kinda is.” It had taken all her courage to come here today because this could backfire in her face in the most epic of ways, but she’d never let something that scared her before hinder her, so… “I was wondering if it were possible for me to request a transfer?”

  Eric’s brows drew together, obvious irritation rising to his face. “Did you not tell me the west was treating you well?”

  “Oh, they are,” she retorted quickly, twining her hands in her lap, desperate to stop the slight shake. “It’s not the precinct, or any of my superiors, or fellow cops for that matter. It’s personal.”

  Eric exhaled deeply and leaned back in his chair, watching her carefully. “Did they discover we have a close relationship? I know sometimes the men can be a bit—”

  “No.” She shook her head. “It’s not that.”

  “Then what exactly is the problem?”

  “Well…” She lifted her paper cup in her hand and took a quick sip of her coffee, pausing the conversation, trying to think up a good excuse. She didn’t want to out Maddox to Eric
, fearing he’d be reprimanded. “I’ve become involved with someone there, and while it’s not affecting my performance now, I fear that it might in the future.”

  “You’ve gotten involved, hmm?” Eric remarked with a slow building smile. “How about we don’t beat around the bush and say it for what it is—you’ve been secretly dating Maddox Hunt.”

  Joss nearly spit her coffee out of her mouth and began coughing.

  “Please don’t die in my office,” Eric mused. “Your father would never forgive me.”

  “You knew about us?” She wiped her mouth and barely managed, “Why haven’t you reprimanded me and suspended him?”

  “First, you both have been very discreet. I haven’t heard a single whisper about the two of you dating,” Eric replied. “Secondly, while the department frowns upon these types of things, unless I have to intervene, I don’t. No one can control who they fall in love with.”

  She blinked, shaking her head to clear the confusion in it. “Okay, wait, hold on, I need a minute. This isn’t what I expected to happen here.” Eric chuckled, and she blinked, processing. Then she asked, “How do you know I’ve been seeing him?”

  “Before I answer that, since your father would want me to tell you this, let me remind you that you need to be careful with these types of things,” he said sternly from behind his desk, being the imposing man he was. “News of affairs like this has a way of getting around stations like wildfire. You don’t want something like this hanging over you. I’ve seen it before. Every promotion is tainted. Every award polluted.”

  “Yes, sir, I know,” she agreed, well aware of those concerns from the very beginning. “Hence the reason I’m here. But please tell me how you knew we were seeing each other.”

  “Maddox told me.”

  She sensed the color draining from her face as the world tumbled around her. The telephone on Eric’s desk rang, and he held up an index finger then answered the phone. “Yes. Yes. All right. Please hold any other calls. Thank you, Beth.” He hung up the phone and explained, “Maddox came to see me at home last night, but to be honest, I had already suspected something might be on going between you two.”

  “Why?”

  Eric picked up a pen, tapping the tip against his desk. “I saw you two in an intimate conversation outside the pub at the retirement party.”

  Her cheeks warmed, waiting for him to add, and I saw Maddox kiss you. When those words never came, she managed, “Why are you being so…okay with all of this?” she wondered her thoughts aloud.

  Eric leaned back in his seat, his chair squeaking beneath him before he addressed her again. “Because some rules, Joss, don’t even make sense to those who must enforce them.”

  She blinked again. “Well, I guess, thank you for that.”

  “You’re family. I would have done the same for Lana if she’d been in a similar situation.” He hesitated then, and with his head cocked, he added, “But tell me, have things gone south with you and Hunt, is that what this is all about?”

  “Not south, just ended,” she explained as best she could.

  Eric’s lips thinned. “Was he respectful?”

  “Yes, very,” Joss said with a chuckle, not minding Eric’s protective side. She didn’t see anything wrong with having some good guys looking out for her. “I’ve got nothing bad to say, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

  Eric regarded her for a long moment, continuing to tap the pen against his desk. “I’m glad to hear that since last night I offered Hunt the position of captain in the east and he accepted the promotion. He’ll be moving to the east by the end of the week.”

  Her stomach roiled, and all the things she thought she knew and thought she’d figured out didn’t matter anymore. If that were true, and the work issue between them no longer remained, he obviously didn’t feel as attached as she did.

  She guessed she should have known that. Even if she was mad at herself for feeling this little moment of pity when she hoped he might have felt the same way she did. Emotions were funny things that sometimes she wished she could tell to fuck off. “Did he take the promotion because of our relationship?” she asked.

  Eric nodded. “Maddox had originally asked for a transfer, but earlier yesterday, the captain in the east stepped down. We both feel it’s also in your best interests for him to transfer out of the west. Did I make the wrong decision by allowing this promotion to happen?”

  She let the pain roll through her once more before she stuffed it back into that place where all women stuff their heartache. “No, it’s the right decision, and he deserves to be captain.”

  Everything was as it should be, at least from the outside. She was strong, taking control of her life, not letting a man lead her way. She fought for what she wanted, never accepting less than she deserved.

  Even so, it didn’t mean she had to like it.

  Being the woman she thought she wanted to be somehow felt all wrong without Maddox.

  * * *

  Later that night, Joss entered the Frisky Frikin’ with Emilia and Troy, right as the kickoff began on the television screens hung on the wood-paneled walls. She was ready to drink her sorrows away. Sometimes, that was all a woman could do after life disappointed her. Perhaps it was a bad time to realize how much she wanted Maddox in her life. Maybe, deep down, she had hoped that when she walked away, he would wake the hell up and change his mind about relationships. That had never happened. Not even after he transferred to a new station where the conflict lessened. Not even after Eric had so clearly given his approval of them being together. Love sucked. Relationships sucked. Men sucked. She began to regret coming to the pub.

  Tonight, as they strode past the bar toward the tables, she found the pub full of cops that she’d met through her father either randomly or at some of the events the police put on in the community. There were a few cops from the west, too. Trying her best not to mope, she followed behind Emilia and Troy as they moved to an empty table. The ruckus from the crowd after the touchdown was a welcome blessing. She couldn’t get too lost in her dark thoughts.

  Even though Maddox said drinking wasn’t a good idea, and she agreed with him, she knew she wasn’t drinking because of the death a few days ago. She drank because she had fallen for a guy with huge commitment issues when she’d promised herself that wouldn’t happen. Again, love sucked. Relationships sucked. Men sucked.

  Troy stopped at one of the round tables and dropped down onto the first stool, followed by Emilia. Joss slid onto her stool across from them—a perfect third wheel. Depressing as shit, but she swallowed the discomfort and knew in half an hour she’d forget all about it with the help of vodka.

  Emilia picked up the wine list. Joss stared at them, wondering how they did it, and how they made love look so damn easy. Before she could think better of it, she said, “You guys are so lucky, do you know that? I mean, for cripe’s sake, you’ve been together since high school, and have somehow made it work.”

  Troy’s brows rose before he quickly looked away toward the TV screens, obviously the only amount of girl talk he intended to do tonight.

  “Okay, that kinda came out of nowhere.” Emilia laughed, placing the wine list back on the table. “Things weren’t always so easy, you know. I think every couple has some complications along the way. Don’t you think, Troy?”

  He gave a pinched expression and nodded, glancing back to the television screens.

  Emilia rolled her eyes at her husband before saying to Joss, “Honestly, I don’t think there’s a magic answer here for why we’ve worked out. I know people believe in soul mates and all that jazz, and while I think there’s some truth to finding the person that makes your soul light up, relationships are all about putting in the hard work. You both have to choose to be in it one hundred percent and then the rest kinda falls into place.”

  “Exactly,” Joss agreed, placing her chin on her hand, trying very hard not to pout. “But what if the other half of the equation doesn’t want to?”

&nbs
p; “I don’t see the waitress anywhere. I’ll go grab us drinks.” Troy rose and hurried off.

  Joss snorted a laugh. “I think we scared him off.”

  “Please. Any kind of in-depth conversation scares him off.” Emilia glanced at her hubby walking toward the bar before adding to Joss, “But that’s okay, because that emotionally unavailable teddy bear is all mine.” She drew in a big, deep breath before she spoke again, giving Joss a measured look. “Okay, so listen, I know I said falling in love with Maddox would be the worst thing ever, but I’m going to take that back.”

  Joss’s brows rose. “Huh?”

  “Oh, don’t look so shocked.” Emilia grinned. “I’ve been watching him, even though he doesn’t know it. I am the best friend, after all.” She gave a big smile, causing her eyes to twinkle. “And let me tell you, girl, he seems different with you.”

  “I know he cares for me, Emilia,” Joss said with a sigh, waving at a couple of cops that her father knew before glancing back at Emilia. “But he can’t seem to say it aloud. When I ended things, I gave him the chance to finally acknowledge that we’re”—she made quotations with her fingers—“together, and he didn’t take it.”

  “Maybe he needs a little time,” Emilia offered.

  “Maybe what he needs is a big smack to the head.” Joss smiled, and Emilia laughed, glancing over Joss’s shoulder, clearly looking for her missing husband. “But honestly,” Joss added, garnering Emilia’s attention again. “How pathetic would it make me if I stayed, knowing that I’d always be his secret, never his girlfriend?”

  “Okay, I see your point.” Emilia’s eyes narrowed with her long sigh before she slapped her hands against the table. “Well, let’s hope the idiot wakes the fuck up and sees that you’re great for him.”

  “The idiot has woken the fuck up.”

  Emilia’s eyes widened, and she slapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry, sir,” she said beneath her hand.

  Joss froze in her seat, her heart beating a mile a minute. Maddox stood right behind her. Sure, she’d heard his voice, but she could feel the heat of him slowly brushing across her back, sliding down her neck, raising goose bumps all over her flesh.