by Sean McIndoe
Play-by-play: Welcome back. Here's a scoring chance … He scores! While we show you a close-up of a random defenseman in a passive-aggressive attempt to assign blame, let's bring in the former goaltender that we're legally obligated to include on every broadcast.
Ex-goalie: That one was totally not the goaltender's fault; it was deflected in off a stick.
Play-by-play: The goal came on a breakaway.
Ex-goalie: Exactly. The shooter deflected it into the net using his own stick.
Play-by-play: …
Ex-goalie: Those are the hardest kinds to stop.
Play-by-play: Have you ever seen a goal that was the goalie's fault?
Ex-goalie: Not yet, no.
Play-by-play: Let's send it back to the panel for the second intermission.
Host: When you last saw us, we were telling you how terrible the home team was. Now that they've had one good period, let's pretend that never happened and instead go overboard in praising how well they're playing.
Management: Here's a play from that last period, filmed from 15,000 feet above the ice. I will now scribble randomly on the screen with a Magic Marker.
Player: Everyone tried really hard on that play and seemed to have fun.
Media: Global warming!
Host: Highlights guy?
Highlights: (sniffle)
Host: Back to the action!
Play-by-play: It's a 1–0 game, which means you're in for twenty minutes of plodding defensive trapping that we'll pretend is entertaining.
Analyst: I will make vague references to a defensive “system” without ever explaining what that actually means.
Play-by-play: And now a fight has broken out. I will attempt to win a Gemini by pretending to be completely horrified.
Analyst: This is an overwrought comment about how nobody likes fighting, which you are unable to hear because the fans are cheering so loudly.
Play-by-play: And there's the final buzzer.
Analyst: This game went much faster than usual.
Play-by-play: Shut up.
Analyst: Here are tonight's three stars, which don't make any sense since we had to pick them with twelve minutes left in the second period.
Play-by-play: And now let's send it back to the studio for the post-game.
Host: Panel, before the game we all unanimously agreed that the home team would never win another game. Now that they've won, is it fair to say that it is in fact the visiting team that will never win again?
Management: Not unless they hire some new blood to the front office. Hint hint.
Player: I brought orange slices for everyone.
Media: Trapped miners!
Host: Highlights guy?
Highlights: Die. All of you.
Host: Thanks for watching, everyone. Stay tuned to watch anchors narrate highlights of the game you just saw!
Chapter 2
The Ten Greatest Coaches in NHL History
The life of an NHL coach is a tough one. Win, and the players get most of the credit. Lose, and the fingers always seem to point at you. And as fans of struggling teams know, the old adage “it's easier to fire the coach than the players” usually holds true.
But every now and then a coach emerges who manages to stick around long enough to craft a legacy. And those few who manage to win year after year, and sometimes even decade after decade, may eventually see themselves earn a place in the ranks of coaching immortality.
So let's pay tribute to some of those all-time greats. Here's a look at the ten winningest coaches in NHL history.
Scotty Bowman
Patented strategy: Would study the other team's roster carefully, then make sure that his had, like, a half-dozen more future hall-of-famers on it.
Possible weakness: Is pretty much the worst person in the entire world, according to people who've been stuck behind him going through an airport metal detector.
Career highlight: Achieved the ultimate goal in hockey on nine different occasions as a head coach; ten if you also count moving out of Buffalo.
Al Arbour
Patented strategy: Was known for emphasizing the importance of defensive zone positioning in practice. Specifically, “Don't position yourself too close to Billy Smith's crease if you like having two unbroken ankles.”
Possible weakness: Retired in 1994 after devoting over twenty years to making the Islanders logo one of the most respected in all of sports, but forgot to remind the franchise not to replace it with a crazy bearded cartoon fisherman a year after he left.
Career highlight: His Islanders won nineteen straight playoff rounds from 1980 to 1984, setting a record that experts expect will remain unbroken until Gary Bettman has given out so many expansion teams that each year's playoffs are twenty rounds long.
Dick Irvin
Patented strategy: He strongly rejected accusations that his notoriously tough practices encouraged his players to use goon tactics, although he'd later admit that perhaps the linesman-punching drills ended up being a bad idea.
Possible weakness: Oh sure, he was supposed to be this legendary innovator, but when you try to get him to break down some simple game film on your iPad he's all, “Hey, how did you get this time machine into my living room? Get out before I call the police!”
Career highlight: Hockey fans around the world should thank him for rescuing the Canadiens from potential bankruptcy by turning the team around in the 1940s, since if he hadn't done that we wouldn't all get to laugh at what's happened to them now.
Pat Quinn
Patented strategy: Would keep the mood light at practice by having underperforming players take part in a fun drill called “Why don't you skate towards me as fast as you can and we'll pretend you're Bobby Orr.”
Possible weakness: Often spoke of his open-door policy for players when it came to dealing with complaints about ice time, although he occasionally forgot to mention the part about that open door being attached to a cab that was on its way to the airport.
Career highlight: (Tie) Head coach of the 2002 Canadian Olympic team that united an entire nation by ending a fifty-year gold medal drought / Often managed to resist the urge to strangle Robert Reichel during games.
Mike Keenan
Patented strategy: While it's now become common for coaches to dictate specific matchups for their forward lines and defense pairing by constantly changing them on the fly, Keenan remains the only coach to use the strategy with his goaltenders.
Possible weakness: Was notorious for having personality conflicts with stars, which occasionally resulted in reduced production from the player since every slap shot they took during games was aimed at the bench.
Career highlight: Won the Stanley Cup with the Rangers in 1994, later admitting that he was so overwhelmed with emotion during the final seconds of game seven that he had to take a break from secretly negotiating his new contract with the St. Louis Blues.
Ron Wilson
Patented strategy: Was among the first NHL coaches to make extensive use of modern technology to formulate game strategy, although early in his career that pretty much just meant deciding whether to use mostly “fat guys” or “skinny guys.”
Possible weakness: It's been said that players eventually tune him out, although he argues that this reputation is unfair because it doesn't take into account that blah blah blah sorry I wasn't listening.
Career highlight: Guided the 2010 US Olympic team to the biggest miracle on ice since 1980 when they managed to lose an important hockey game to Roberto Luongo.
Bryan Murray
Patented strategy: His team meetings with the Senators to go over strategy for that night's game would often be interrupted by the confused former coach walking into the room and saying, “Wait a second. Does this mean I'm fired?”
Possible weakness: Only took his team past the second round of the playoffs once in his seventeen-year coaching career, although that's one more than Toe Blake ever managed and nobody complains about him.
; Career highlight: Was instrumental in building the Anaheim Ducks into a contender as both coach and general manager, and they were so grateful they made sure he had a front row seat to enjoy their eventual Stanley Cup victory.
Jacques Lemaire
Patented strategy: Helped pioneer a trapping style in the mid-nineties that was imitated by virtually every team in the league over the next decade, according to your one friend who could actually manage to sit through any hockey games during that era.
Possible weakness: Devils players admit his “Hi, everyone, I'm the new coach” speech tends to get a little boring by the third time you hear it.
Career highlight: Won a Stanley Cup as coach of the Devils in 1995 after unveiling a complex new defensive system called “Oh hey, look, we have Martin Brodeur in net!”
Jacques Martin
Patented strategy: Would use a suffocating defensive system to lull his opponent to sleep, and then BAM!—here comes a slightly different suffocating defensive system.
Possible weakness: Preached discipline to his teams, but players report that behind closed doors he would sometimes respond to an especially tough loss by having a facial expression.
Career highlight: His five consecutive playoff series losses to the Maple Leafs is a modern-day record that experts agree is the most unbreakable in all of sports.
Joel Quenneville
Patented strategy: Coached the Blackhawks to a dramatic overtime win in game six of the 2010 Stanley Cup final using his famous “shoot the puck at the net and then jump around like you scored and hope nobody notices” play.
Possible weakness: His mustache kind of seems to have lost a step.
Career highlight: Beat the odds by becoming one of the few people ever drafted by Toronto to go on to a successful career in professional ice hockey.
Chapter 3
The Other Former NHL Stars who Interviewed for Colin Campbell's Job
The NHL surprised fans during the 2011 off-season when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.
Shanahan was a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were also interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top-secret transcript of the proceedings.
Scene: Gary Bettman's office.
Gary Bettman: Well, Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.
Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks, guys.
Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.
Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.
Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.
Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.
Voice on intercom: Right away, sir.
Jeremy Roenick: Hi, guys. Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate it.
Campbell: Thanks, Jeremy. My first question for you is—
Roenick: Nice desk. Is that mahogany? I love mahogany.
Campbell: That's great, Jeremy. If you let me finish my question, I was—
Roenick: You know back in 1991 with the Hawks, we were in a tough series with the North Stars …
Campbell: Stop talking.
Roenick: So I'm playing on a line with Steve Thomas, and it's late in the third period …
Campbell: Please stop talking.
Roenick: I'm afraid that's not possible. Once I get going I'm not physically capable of silence.
Campbell: Maybe we should move on.
Bettman: Good idea. Our next candidate is former Maple Leafs captain Wendel Clark. Why the interest in this job, Wendel?
Wendel Clark: Well, I'm really concerned about all the dirty hits these days. So I'd institute a strict policy to reduce them.
Campbell: Which is?
Clark: First offense, I punch you in the face.
Campbell: Wow. And on a second offense?
Clark (cracking knuckles): There wouldn't be any second offenses.
Campbell: Good point.
Roenick (still talking to himself): And then I say to Chelios, “Loosen up, old man, it's the nineties … “
Bettman: OK, our next former star is … uh-oh.
Wayne Gretzky: Hi, Gary!
Bettman: Oh man.
Campbell: Wayne, you're applying for my job?
Gretzky: Yeah, Colin. I'm looking to pick up some extra income. You see, my last employer didn't pay me everything they owed me.
Bettman: Um …
Campbell: What? That's an outrage! Tell me who it was, so Gary and I can go take care of it for you.
Bettman: Colie …
Campbell: I mean, this is hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Anyone who would try to short-change him deserves a serious beatdown!
Bettman: Really not helping here, Colie.
Gretzky: Actually I don't think I'll need your help, because I brought a little backup of my own. I think you gentlemen remember (pauses dramatically) … Marty McSorley.
(Bettman and Campbell look behind Gretzky at an empty doorway.)
Gretzky (confused): Marty? That's your cue, Marty.
(From outside comes the sound of tires squealing as a car makes a speedy getaway.)
Gretzky: I don't understand. Why would he take off instead of … oh. Hey, Wendel, didn't see you there.
Clark: Hello, Wayne.
Gretzky: I didn't know you were applying for this job.
Clark: Sure am. Want to hear my policy on uncalled high-sticks?
Gretzky (sitting down quickly): No thank you.
Bettman: OK, let's just move on to the next candidate. (Into intercom:) Send him in, please.
Voice on intercom: Yes sir.
Patrick Roy: Bonjour!
Bettman and Campbell (immediately): No.
Roy: Oh come on!
Campbell: Patrick, we saw you play. You were a crazy person.
Roy: So you don't want to hear about my “automatic suspension for turning down a goalie fight” idea?
Roenick: And then I deked past the twitching corpse of Sami Kapanen, went in and scored the overtime winner!
Clark (leaning over to Roy): Man, is that guy ever annoying.
Roy (removing Stanley Cup rings from each ear): What's that? I couldn't hear him.
Campbell: OK, so just to summarize: Wendel Clark wants to punch everyone in the face, Patrick Roy thinks goalie fights should be mandatory, and Jeremy Roenick couldn't run a suspension hearing because he wouldn't let anyone else talk. Also, Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Gary Bettman in the face.
Gretzky (holding bloody hockey stick): Did not!
Campbell: Brendan, do you have anything to say about all this?
Shanahan: Um …
(Everyone stares at Shanahan intently.)
Shanahan: Hockey play?
Campbell: I knew you were perfect for this job. You're hired!
Chapter 4
Know Your Sports: The NHL vs. the NFL
There's really no question about which league rules the sports world in the United States. With all due respect to the NBA, MLB and the NHL, there's just no stopping the NFL juggernaut. Thanks to billion-dollar TV contracts and wall-to-wall media coverage, the sport is simply unavoidable.
Well, if you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em. So even if you're a die-hard hockey fan, you may as well get to know a little bit about the world of the NFL. Here's a look at some of the similarities and differences between the two leagues.
NFL: “Safety” refers to a player who lines up deep in the secondary and is responsible for covering passing plays.
NHL: “Safety” refers to the act of not doing anything that might make Zdeno Chara angry.
NFL: If you see
fans wearing cheese on their heads, you'll know that they are fans of the Green Bay Packers.
NHL: If you see fans with food on their heads, you'll know that whoever is throwing waffles at the Maple Leafs that night has a weak arm and poor depth perception.
NFL: Many players express their unique personalities by growing their hair long, sporting intricate tattoos, and performing choreographed celebrations after big plays.