by Sean McIndoe
NHL: Many players express their unique personalities by choosing a nickname that consists of their last name with the suffix “er” instead of their last name with the suffix “ie.”
NFL: There are several teams in the southern United States that regularly play in front of sold-out crowds filled with rabid fans with a deep appreciation for the sport.
NHL: There are several teams in the southern United States.
NFL: You can buy commercial time during the Super Bowl, assuming you have a few million dollars sitting around that you'd like to waste on something that will have no discernible impact on your product's success.
NHL: Unfortunately, Ilya Bryzgalov doesn't hit free agency again until 2020.
NFL: Expect to see thousands of towels being waved madly by die-hard Steelers fans throughout the game.
NHL: Expect to see dozens of towels being thrown in by the Columbus Blue Jackets during the opening shift.
NFL: Teams will occasionally score from fifty or sixty yards away as the result of a play called the “Hail Mary.”
NHL: Teams will occasionally score from fifty or sixty yards away as the result of a play called “playing against a team that employs Vesa Toskala.”
NFL: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he's a Green Bay Packer and has just scored a touchdown.
NHL: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he didn't really appreciate that fan's most recent reference to his mother.
NFL: “The Music City Miracle” refers to a last-second kickoff return that allowed the Tennessee Titans to advance in the 2000 playoffs.
NHL: “The Music City Miracle” refers to an Ottawa Senators third-liner managing to marry Carrie Underwood.
NFL: A “dime back” refers to a sixth defensive back, who enters the game on likely passing downs.
NHL: A “dime back” refers to what you'd better be ready to give Patrick Kane once he's paid you for his cab ride.
NFL: Although they realize that it's probably unrealistic given the rate of injury, every player starts the season with the goal of playing in sixteen games.
NHL: Rick DiPietro.
NFL: “Bump and run” is a defensive technique that focuses on slowing down the receiver at the line of scrimmage.
NHL: “Bump and run” is Daniel Carcillo's strategy against any player who is tougher than Marian Gaborik.
Chapter 5
A Look Back at Game Seven of the 2011 Stanley Cup Final: (which, due to a scheduling error, had to be published twelve hours early)
Author's note: Due to an unfortunate scheduling error that is too complicated to explain here, this analysis of the memorable game seven between the Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins ended up being published on my website twelve hours before the game was actually played. My sincere apologies for spoiling it for fans who had planned to watch the game that night.
So here we are. June 15, 2011. After a six-month season, four rounds of playoffs, and seven grueling games, the NHL has crowned its champion. The Stanley Cup has been awarded. One fan base is devastated, while another will celebrate late into the night.
In the moments after a thrilling game seven, I'd like to address you directly, fans of the winning team.
It seems like only yesterday that your team was struggling through a first-round series against your bitter rivals who historically dominate you in the playoffs. But you survived, just barely, thanks to an overtime goal in game seven. Remember the excitement when the winning goal was scored, by that particular player? Little did we know the controversy that awaited them weeks later.
Your team waltzed through the second round against Peter Forsberg's old team, then beat that non-traditional, warm-weather franchise in the conference finals. And there you were, back in the Stanley Cup final for the first time in a generation. Who can forget that last time you played for Lord Stanley's mug, back in the early nineties? I bet you can still picture your team competing furiously, proudly representing those black and yellowish-gold uniforms that they wore then and perhaps still do, before finally going down to a bitter defeat. Damn you, Mark Messier!
But a generation later you were back, and this time the opportunity would not be wasted. It wasn't easy. It was a vicious series, in which your team persevered despite several sickening cheap shots by the opposing team. You endured your team being taunted with immature finger waves. You watched devastating hits on Nathan Horton and Mason Raymond, fifty percent of which you thought were unquestionably dirty. The entire hockey world outside of your particular city was united against your team, you told us, incessantly. And let's not even mention those shameless homer announcers on the other team's broadcast.
And then game seven. The series had seen it all, from overtime thrillers to lopsided blowouts to everything in between, and game seven certainly fit into one of those categories. All eyes were on Roberto Luongo. Many thought he would rise to the occasion while others thought he would crumble, and in the end we now know they were right. Without question, this game will be his defining legacy.
The end of the game must seem like a blur to you now. There was that goal scored by that one guy, and then that big hit with that other guy, then that other thing done by some other guy, and then the Conn Smythe won by Tim Thomas.
And then, the magic moment you'd been waiting on for four long decades, give or take a year. What fan among you will ever forget the sight of Gary Bettman passing the Stanley Cup into the waiting arms of good old number 33? And who says Europeans can't make great captains? Certainly not anyone who has had the pleasure of watching your team's leader, a truly unique talent. He certainly is one—or at the very most two—of a kind.
And now it's all over but the riot cleanup. Your boys are champions. A Stanley Cup banner will be raised in your arena next year. After an agonizing, debilitating, gut-wrenching test of your endurance as fans, it was all worth it.
But at least you're not like those fans of the other team. Imagine how devastated they must feel right now. Serves them right, those losers. Thank God you have nothing in common with them.
Chapter 6
Take the Quiz: Do you have a Concussion?
Concussions have been in the spotlight for several seasons now, as the NHL and its teams slowly but surely begin to take head injuries seriously. The league has even tried to standardize treatment by insisting that injured players undergo concussion-related medical testing prior to returning.
But fans may be surprised to learn that those “tests” aren't especially complex. They're actually just a simple one-page multiple-choice quiz, which has become the league's standard process for diagnosing concussions.
What does that quiz look like? Glad you asked, since I happen to have obtained a copy.
Dear NHL player:
You have recently suffered an injury, which resulted from a direct blow to the head. Congratulations! But before you can play again, league rules require you to pass the following in-depth test to ensure that you have not suffered a concussion.
Instructions: Answer each question and then add up your score. If you reach 100 points or more, you have a concussion and should not be playing; print out the results and show them to your coach.
1. What's the last thing you remember thinking before you were injured?
“I think I'll just cut across the blue line with my head down.” (+5 points)
“What a nice pass I just made, I think I'll admire it.” (+10 points)
“I'm pretty sure I can squeeze by Kronwall here . . .” (+20 points)
“Hey wait, why are the linesmen backing off and leaving me all alone with Milan Lucic?” (+30 points)
“I'll just adjust my rearview mirror and . . . how did Chris Pronger get into my backseat?” (+100 points)
2. Which of the following common concussion symptoms have you been experiencing?
Slight headache (+5 points)
Short-term memory loss (+10 points)
Nausea or vo
miting (+20 points)
Starting to think that the Ilya Bryzgalov signing may have been a good idea (+50 points)
Really enjoying those NHL Guardian superhero things (+100 points)
3. As a result of your injury, are you having any difficulty reading this test?
I am experiencing significant difficulty. (+20 points)
I am experiencing minor difficulty. (+10 points)
I can understand everything I'm reading. (0 points)
I can understand everything I'm reading, which is odd since I'm a European player who didn't speak a word of English prior to getting hit. (+100 points)
4. At any point since being injured, have you experienced any of the following symptoms of double vision?
There appears to be 8,000 people at tonight's Islanders game, instead of the usual 4,000. (+10 points)
In the family seating area, Philadelphia Flyers fans are furiously waving four middle fingers at my great-grandmother. (+15 points)
During games in Columbus, there are twelve Blue Jacket players on the ice looking at their watches and mumbling about whether the season is over yet. (+20 points)
Could swear that one of the Canucks keeps passing the puck back and forth with a guy who looks exactly like him. (–50 points)
5. How did the fans react when you were hit?
Stunned into silence. (+5 points)
Gasped in horror. (+10 points)
Fight broke out in the upper level between fans trying to catch my mouthguard. (+20 points)
Started throwing waffles at me, which made no sense. (0 points)
Started throwing waffles at me, which made perfect sense. (+100 points)
6. Has there been any media coverage of your injury?
A sports-talk radio caller briefly asked about it. (0 points)
A TV report mentioned that I had suffered an upper body injury. (+5 points)
A newspaper article speculated that I may have suffered a head injury. (+10 points)
I was featured on an episode of HBO's 24/7 last night, which was subtitled “The Ballad of Concussy McWobble'n'Fall.” (+100 points)
7. Hey, just curious, but you do realize this is hockey and not soccer, right?
What? (+20 points)
Sigh . . . yes. (–100 points)
8. Finally, which of the following best describes your current role with your team?
I am a role player or fourth liner. (+20 points)
I take a regular shift. (+10 points)
I am a star player. (0 points)
I am a star player and it is the playoffs. (Get out there, you're fine. Retake the test in the off-season if you still can't remember your name.)
Chapter 7
The Code: Hockey's Unwritten Rules Revealed
Hockey fans often hear about the infamous “unwritten code” that governs fighting in the NHL. Any time there's an incident involving punches being thrown, you can count on someone making reference to The Code and whether a particular player's actions have violated it.
Unfortunately, it's a myth.
No, not the existence of The Code itself. It's the “unwritten” part that everyone has wrong. In reality, The Code has been written down in detail and passed on from one generation of NHL tough guys to the next. Every enforcer in the league has a copy; they just don't let us see it.
Until now, that is. I've obtained a tattered copy of The Code, and transcribed it below. It's time that hockey fans knew the truth.
Dear enforcer:
Welcome to the league. In your role as an NHL tough guy, you will be expected to conduct yourself according to a traditional set of rules and procedures. We call them The Code, and they are the rules we live by.
Please read The Code carefully and thoroughly, and follow it at all times.
Weight classes
All players shall be divided into the following weight classes, listed in descending order of toughness:
Heavyweight
Cruiserweight
Middleweight
Lightweight
Doug Weight
Choosing an opponent
The Code dictates that players should stay within their weight class whenever possible. For example, a heavyweight may only fight:
Another heavyweight.
A cruiserweight who has instigated the confrontation.
A lightweight who has attempted to injure a teammate.
An overweight Flyers fan who has fallen into the penalty box.
The nagging feeling that his job will no longer exist in three years.
Rules of engagement
Any of the following phrases, when spoken directly to an opponent, shall be taken as an invitation to fight:
“Let's go.”
“Wanna drop the gloves?”
“Would you like to hear a detailed rundown of my fantasy draft?”
“Whoa oh, oh—this is Canada's team!”
“I don't know, Paul. To be honest I find your Twitter account sort of juvenile and repetitive.”
When to fight
It is considered appropriate to initiate a fight when:
Your team has lost momentum at home, and you want to wake up the crowd.
An opponent has committed a serious offense for which immediate retribution is required.
Colin Campbell emailed you and told you to. (Note: It's probably a good idea to delete the email afterwards)
You suddenly realize that you haven't been mentioned on Coach's Corner in almost three weeks.
When not to fight
Avoid fighting under inappropriate circumstances, such as when:
The coach has given you specific instructions not to fight.
Late in a close game, when an instigator penalty could result in a crucial power play.
Your opponent is not expecting it, since he's busy listening to the national anthem.
Some other completely inappropriate time, such as the playoffs.
Punishable acts
Any of the following acts shall be deemed in violation of The Code, and deserving of an immediate punch in the face:
Shooting a puck towards the net after a whistle.
Spraying snow on a goalie who has covered the puck.
Attempting that cheap breakaway move from NHL 94.
Being Sean Avery.
Removal of equipment
If, in the moments immediately preceding a fight, an opposing player:
Removes his gloves: You must do the same.
Removes his helmet and visor: You should do the same if you are given the opportunity.
Removes his elbow pad: You may do the same if you so choose.
Removes his shirt and pants: You should consider the possibility that you are not actually in a fight and have instead accidentally wandered into Patrick Kane's limousine.
When the fight is over
An altercation is considered over as soon as any of the following occurs:
The linesmen make their first effort to intervene.
One or both players fall to the ice.
The opponent's trainer asks if you could hold off hitting him for a few seconds while they load him onto the stretcher.
Pretty much as soon as it begins, if you are Matt Carkner and the other guy is Colton Orr.
This concludes The Code. Remember, memorize its rules and follow them at all times. (Unless, you know, somebody makes you really mad. Then just go ahead and do whatever you want.)
Chapter 8
A Moment with the Guy who has to go Out and Fix the Glass when it Breaks
So then we ask for the manager, and he comes by the table and wants to know what the problem is, and we start telling him about how …
Wait. Everybody be quiet. Wait.
That last Dion Phaneuf slapshot off the end glass. It didn't sound right. No, I know it sounded fine to you, Jim, because you're new at this. But I know that sound. That's the sound of a pane of glass crying out. The ref is inspecting it now, but I already know what he's going to find.
That glass is cracked, and that means the ref is going to turn and wave at us, and that means …
It's go time, team. Go go go!
Jim, Bill, Tom, you follow me. Somebody grab the ladder. Let's all awkwardly waddle-sprint across the ice and try not to think about how 18,000 fans are secretly hoping one of us will wipe out.
Waddle-sprint faster!
OK, we're here. Step one: Assess the damage. This one is bad, guys. We're going to need a brand new pane. What's that? Yes, Jim, we always need a brand new pane, every single time. But we still need to inspect it first to figure that out. Because that's the process, OK? Rookies.
Let's get set up, boys. Did we bring the right ladder? The one that's slightly too short for the job, and will force me to stretch in a way that reveals my belly button and makes everyone in the arena uncomfortable? Perfect. I'm going up.
All right, let's see here. Jim, I'm going to need you to bring me one of those little thingies that fits between the top of the glass. What do you mean, what's the technical name for it? That is the technical name: the little thingy that fits between the top of the glass. And no, I don't know what it's supposed to do, nobody does. It sits up there and then it occasionally falls out for no reason and stops the game. But we need to get one up there, stat, so I can whack it repeatedly with my hand until it fits. Go get one!