by Sean McIndoe
No rush. I'll self-consciously wait here on top of this ladder while everyone stares at me.
Ha ha. Well played, arena music guy. The Jeopardy theme—how very clever. Never heard that one before. Certainly very calming and helpful. Remind me to personally thank you the next time you come to me for help with a chipped windshield.
All right, Jim's back with the top of the glass thingy. Now let's remove the broken pane and replace it with a new one. Teamwork, everyone. Nice and easy. Good work. Bill and Tom, you waddle-sprint the old pane to the back. Jim and I will handle the replacement.
OK, rookie, listen up. We need to lower the new pane in very carefully to make absolutely sure that it doesn't fit quite right. That's it—have it tilt off to the side just the slightest bit. Now everyone stare at it in confusion. More staring. Can you hear the crowd groaning? That's how you know we're doing it right. OK, back up the ladder I go.
Did you say something, fan sitting in the front row? I should “hurry up?” I am doing my best, sir. You don't think I'm aware that the entire building and a million people at home are all waiting for me? You don't think I know that the TV guys are making awkward conversation right now and showing random replays of things that happened three games ago? I'm well aware of the stakes here, sir. I hope nothing happens to slow me down, like one of my tools slipping out of my hand and landing on somebody's head in the front row. Could really do some damage, couldn't it? Any other helpful advice you'd like to offer? No, I didn't think so.
OK guys, one more trip up the ladder and I should have it. It's not quite in right but I'm pretty sure I can jam it down if I just sort of lean into it. No pressure. Everyone just stay professional. Nice and calm. Nice. And. Calm.
Stop staring at me, goalie! I am doing my best!
OK, I think we've got it. Let's blow this joint. Somebody grab the ladder. Waddle-sprint for the exit while we soak up the lukewarm smattering of applause, which is almost definitely intended to be sarcastic. We're almost home.
Phew. Great work, boys.
Yes, we have a thankless job. We don't get our name on the Cup. Nobody wants to interview us. Kids don't point at us and think about how cool it would be to have our job, like they do for Mr. Hotshot Zamboni Driver over there. And sure, every hockey video game has the glass breaking every three freaking minutes, but do they include a detailed mini-simulation where you take control of the guys who fix it? No, they do not.
But make no mistake, we are the unsung heroes of the NHL. And it's worth it. Because deep down, they need us. And we do our job with pride and professionalism, and at the end of the day that's all that matters. Because when it's all said and done, we can go home and look at ourselves in our slightly crooked mirrors, and we can know deep in our hearts that …
Wait.
Oh for the love of … Dion, learn to hit the net! Can't the coaches make him practice that or something?
It's go time boys. Go go go!
Chapter 9
What an Official NHL Trade Call Really Sounds Like
It's always exciting for fans when news of a trade breaks. These days, media often have the scoop on a transaction almost immediately, and quickly take to the airwaves or the web to share the news.
Fans may have noticed that these initial reports often allude to a deal being complete “pending a trade call with the league.” The phrase brings to mind an intense conference call in which league officials grill the participants before grudgingly approving a deal.
But as it turns out, a trade call is simply a formality. And just like every other phone call you try to make these days, the entire thing is handled through an automated system.
Thanks to league sources, I got my hands on the top-secret number and gave it a call. Here's a transcript of what I heard.
Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. For service in English, press one. For service in French, press two. For service in whatever language Don Cherry is speaking, press three.
You have selected English. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed:
If you are a GM calling to complain about a penalty, press one.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a suspension, press two.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a goal review, press three.
If you are a GM calling to complain about having nothing to complain about, press four.
If you are an owner calling to report that you have recently gone bankrupt, press five.
If you are calling to report a completed trade, press six.
You have pressed six. You will now be connected to the NHL trade hotline. At any time, you may press zero to speak to Darren Dreger.
If you are trading away a draft pick, please enter the round number now.
You have chosen to trade a first-round draft pick. Is this pick lottery-protected in case you finish last? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Um, do you think that maybe you should rethink that? Press one for yes or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Look, Brian, we've talked about this, wouldn't it make sense to at least ask if—
You have angrily mashed two for no.
Does your trade involve a player? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have pressed one for yes. Please enter the line that the player plays on, and then his salary, followed by the pound key.
You have indicated that you are trading for a third-liner who makes $5 million. Are you drunk? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have pressed two for no. Please indicate why you are making this clearly terrible trade:
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot owner, press one.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot fans, press two.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot media, press three.
If you've stopped caring because you're being fired at the end of the season and figure this will be the new guy's problem, press four.
For all of the above, press five.
You have pressed five. Your trade is ready for processing. In a few moments it will be finalized, and you may inform the players and announce the deal publicly.
One last thing: Did you remember to check and see if the player has a no-trade clause? Press one for yes, or two for no.
You have drop-kicked your phone out an open window. Thank you for calling the NHL trade hotline. Goodbye.
Chapter 10
The Signs of the Hockey Zodiac
A few years ago, astrologists briefly made headlines with a shocking claim: Thanks to a shift in the Earth's axis, we'd all need to learn new zodiac signs. Everyone was so stunned by the news that they spent days discussing the new system before eventually agreeing to forget it and just go back to the old one.
Did any of that matter to you? If you're a hockey fan, no, it didn't. That's because die-hard fans have long had their own unique set of astrological signs. Forget Scorpio and Capricorn; hockey fans have a better system that more closely aligns with the ups and downs of the NHL calendar.
On the off chance that you're a new fan or could use a quick refresher course, here's a rundown of the hockey world's zodiac signs.
Sign of the Opening Night (October): You're an optimistic spirit who chooses to see the best in people. You're willing to let the mistakes of the past stay in the past, and you believe that everyone deserves a fresh start. You know that you'll never be perfect, but you also understand that you can't obsess over every little thing.
Sign of the Long Season (November): You obsess over every little thing. You spend hours staring at yourself in the mirror, taking stock of every flaw and wondering how it's possible that you didn't notice them until now. You're haunted by a nagging sense that you were a fool for thinking things might actually work out for once. You probably drink too much.
Sign of the World Juniors (December): You're a shining example of the power of youthful exuberance. Emotional and excitable, you enjoy sprinting around a
nd jumping into a wall whenever something goes well. You like to travel the world, even though everyone agrees that you'd probably be better off if you just stayed in Canada. You're really mean to Norwegian kids.
Sign of the All-Star (January): You're constantly reinventing yourself in an attempt to stay cool. Rich businessmen and small children love you, although everyone else finds you sort of tedious. Every time you hold a party, everyone spends weeks arguing about one or two friends that you forgot to invite. People often fake injuries to avoid you.
Sign of the Olympics (February): You're a world traveler who doesn't come around very often. Everybody loves you, even though you occasionally have an annoying habit of showing up at three in the morning. Whenever you attend an event that ends up being a huge success, you like to pretend you might not come back, even though nobody believes you.
Sign of the Trade Deadline (March): Everyone finds you endlessly fascinating, and people love to watch and analyze your every move in excruciating detail. Friends describe getting incredibly excited at the mere thought of your presence. But when you finally arrive, people are strangely underwhelmed and mutter, “Wait, I faked sick from work for that?”
Sign of the Stretch Run (April): Forget fun and games; you believe that it's time to get serious. You can be unpleasant and even downright cruel—and known to break a few hearts along the way—but nobody wants to be left off of your dance card. But deep down, you can't shake the feeling that everyone is using you to get to something better.
Sign of the Playoffs (May): You have a beard, and you enjoy shaking hands. You're intense and unpredictable, with exhilarating highs and excruciating lows. You can be almost unbearably difficult, but for those willing to persevere through the tough times, you offer the possibility of unmatched happiness that makes it all worth it. You never hang out with Maple Leafs fans.
Sign of the Draft (June): You're a long-term thinker who likes to plant seeds for the future and watch them grow. You have pimples, a bad haircut, a cheap suit, and a disturbingly gigantic neck; you absolutely will not put on a hat without bending it for five minutes first. You also don't hang out with Maple Leafs fans.
Sign of Free Agency (July): The good news: You're a shopaholic who loves the thrill of the hunt. The bad news: You usually make terrible financial decisions that will take you years to fix. Everyone warns you about this, of course, but you can't seem to help yourself. You would probably be a lot better off if you avoided talking with Russian people.
Sign of the Off-Season (August): You are incredibly dull and nobody likes you.
Sign of Training Camp (September): You are full of the inner peace that can only come with a new beginning, and you believe that a brighter future may be right around the corner. You trust in the power of youth and feel that all things are possible, even for people you just met. You embrace hope, dream big dreams, and eventually make the cutest little whimpering noise when reality comes along and mercilessly stomps holes in your soul.
Chapter 11
The Not-So-Original Six: : A Look Back at the NHL's First Expansion Teams
Every hockey fan knows all about the Original Six. Even today, those six franchises dominate the game in terms of fan base and media coverage, and their rich histories make any matchup between them feel like something special.
But what about the next six? After all, the NHL added a half-dozen additional teams way back in 1967. While not all of them went on to the same level of success and prestige as their predecessors, surely those next six teams deserve to be just as well known and respected among the current generation of hockey fans.
Here's a historical look back at the NHL's Almost-But-Not-Quite-Original Six.
California Seals
Why they got a team: Satisfied the league's main criteria for a southern California franchise by agreeing not to name the team after a terrible movie.
All-time highlight: Impressively won the first two games in franchise history, although in hindsight celebrating that achievement by giving everyone the rest of the year off may have been a strategic mistake.
Lowest moment: Made a habit of infuriating fans by changing their uniform and color scheme almost every year with a series of increasingly amateurish designs, or as the NHL calls it these days, “marketing.”
Lasting legacy: Eventually relocated to Cleveland, finished last for two straight years, and then folded. So basically, the most successful sports franchise in Cleveland history.
Minnesota North Stars
Why they got a team: Players occasionally complained that it got cold in Toronto and Montreal, and the league figured they might enjoy learning what that word actually means.
All-time highlight: Made appearances in the Stanley Cup final in 1981 and 1991, but were unable to win a championship due to their unfortunate insistence on adhering to the league's skate-in-the-crease rules.
Lowest moment: Were forced to move to Dallas in 1993 after Minnesota hockey fans sent a strong message that they would not support a professional hockey team that had a logo they could understand.
Lasting legacy: Taught us all that your dreams really can come true, assuming you are the 1988 Toronto Maple Leafs and your dream is to make the Norris Division playoffs with fifty-two points.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Why they got a team: The league knew that their new expansion teams could range from star-studded Stanley Cup winners to perpetually bankrupt disasters, and figured they'd kill two birds with one stone.
All-time highlight: Well, we could mention the back-to-back Stanley Cups, the brilliance of Mario Lemieux or Jaromir Jagr or Evgeni Malkin or Sidney Crosby, or the third Cup in 2009, but who's kidding who? It was when Jean-Claude Van Damme played a shift for them as goalie in the movie Sudden Death.
Lowest moment: Were widely accused of tanking the last few weeks of the 1983–84 season in an effort to draft Lemieux, which was unfair because their players showed a ton of hustle every night while repeatedly shooting the puck into their own net.
Lasting legacy: Have shown that even a smaller-market team can win a championship if they stay patient, develop a strong farm system, and remember to finish dead last whenever there's a generational superstar available in the draft.
St. Louis Blues
Why they got a team: Were awarded the last of the six expansion teams in a surprising decision over the consensus favorite, Baltimore, presumably after somebody in the NHL visited Baltimore.
All-time highlight: Played in the Stanley Cup final in each of their first three years after winning the all-expansion West Division, or as it was known back then, “The Division That Will Provide Cannon Fodder for the Actual Good Teams in the Final.”
Lowest moment: Finished dead last in the NHL in the first season after the 2005 lockout after failing to bother signing any impact free agents, since every star player had sworn to never play in a league with a salary cap, and obviously nobody would lie about that sort of thing.
Lasting legacy: Made the playoffs for twenty-five straight years at one point, an era that included such memorable post-season moments as … um … that time they played that other team and then one of them won.
Philadelphia Flyers
Why they got a team: Because they said they wanted one. Do you have a problem with that?
All-time highlight: They became the first of the expansion teams to capture the Stanley Cup in 1974, although it's worth pointing out that they “captured” it by having Dave Schultz beat up all the security guards at the Hall of Fame and walk out with it.
Lowest moment: Wore full-length Cooperalls for a season, marking the only time in history that anyone looked at somebody from Philadelphia and wished they would take their pants off.
Lasting legacy: Apparently not much of one since they didn't even exist until the mid-90s, according to all these people who keep saying hockey is more violent now than ever before.
Los Angeles Kings
Why they got a team: The league had already decided to put the
Seals in California, and apparently figured the state deserved a hockey team too.
All-time highlight: Beat Edmonton 6–5 in a 1982 playoff game that came to be known as the “Miracle on Manchester” because, younger fans assume, it featured the Oilers in a playoff game.
Lowest moment: Their blockbuster trade for Wayne Gretzky in 1988 paved the way for the NHL's aggressive expansion into the southern United States over the next decade, and look how well that turned out.
Lasting legacy: Performed an invaluable service to the hockey community by teaching a generation of young players an important lesson about how illegal stick blades are measured.
Chapter 12
The NHL's top-secret flow chart for handing out suspensions
The NHL's suspension policy is a constant source of controversy. And whether it was former head disciplinarian Colin Campbell or current chief Brendan Shanahan making the call, you can always count on any decisions being criticized.
By now, fans are familiar with the refrain: Discipline is handed out haphazardly, almost randomly! There's no consistency! They're just making it up as they go along!
Nonsense. The criticism is unfair and unfounded. The NHL absolutely does have a clear policy about suspensions, and the policy is followed faithfully. The league just hasn't decided to share it publicly. So I'm doing it for them.
Yes, I have a copy of the NHL's discipline policy. And I think it's only fair that hockey fans everywhere get to see it. So here, straight from the league office, is the super top-secret policy for handing out suspensions: