by Sean McIndoe
Unlike the easygoing Colin Campbell, he's always hassling the IT guys with boring questions about whether there's a way to delete his old emails.
Look, we all know “curse” is a strong word, so let's just say that every single team that ever traded him away mid-season ceased to exist within a year.
He was drafted by the Devils and went on to play for the Rangers, and if there's one thing we know about guys like that it's that they end up being overpaid bums that ruin your salary cap for years, according to Habs fans.
He was the second overall pick in the 1987 entry draft, so I'm not sure what you're talking about because I don't even remember him. (Submitted by Alexandre Daigle.)
He was being completely reasonable and even-handed when he was suspending all those guys from other teams, but somehow became a complete idiot when he suspended a player from the team you like.
Chapter 24
Leafs vs. Habs: Hockey's Greatest Rivalry
The NHL has seen its share of rivalries over the years, but one looms above all the others: the Toronto Maple Leafs vs. the Montreal Canadiens.
The rivalry dates back almost a century and has seen the two teams capture thirty-five Stanley Cups between them. The Leafs and Habs have divided families, symbolized a culture, and helped to define an entire nation. From its earliest days during the NHL's infancy to the passionate heights of the fifties and sixties, through a lull in the eighties on to a rebirth in the nineties, the rivalry has produced a long list of memories.
Here's a look back at some of the most famous moments in one of sport's greatest rivalries.
December 26, 1917: Toronto wins the first-ever meeting between the two teams by a score of 7–5, thanks to a series of rookie mistakes by Canadiens defenseman Chris Chelios.
October 1, 1933: Legendary Canadiens goaltender George Hainsworth is traded to Toronto, where he'll go on to play every minute of every Maple Leafs game for three straight years. That feat won't be matched until the eighties, when every minute of every Maple Leafs game during the entire decade is played by “that freaking overpaid sieve with no glove hand,” according to your dad.
July 1, 1946: Frank Selke takes over as general manager in Montreal after being forced out of the Maple Leafs front office due to a bitter and long-running feud with Conn Smythe, which oddly enough consists entirely of an argument over where their respective trophies should eventually be positioned on Steve Yzerman's mantel.
May 2, 1967: An aging and underdog Maple Leafs team stuns the Canadiens in six games to capture the Stanley Cup during Canada's centennial, creating a moment so dramatic and perfect that the organization immediately decides it would cheapen the memory to ever bother doing it again.
November 1, 1979: The Hockey Sweater by Roch Carrier is released and instantly becomes a beloved classic to an entire generation of young Canadians who understand how cruel other kids can be to children who dress better than they do.
November 7, 1987: The Maple Leafs trade speedy winger Russ Courtnall to the Canadiens for enforcer John Kordic, in a deal that fills the team's most glaring need: a player capable of repeatedly punching everybody who's going to spend the next few years complaining about trading Russ Courtnall for John Kordic.
May 29, 1992: Maple Leafs fans are initially skeptical of the hiring of former Canadiens coach Pat Burns due to concerns that he won't be able to communicate in their official language, before being reassured by Burns that he does indeed know how to curse at a TV screen while mumbling about next year.
June 13, 1993: On the one hundredth anniversary of the Stanley Cup, the Maple Leafs and Canadiens conclude what a generation of fans will fondly recall as the most thrilling and memorable final series of all time, in an alternate universe where Kerry Fraser bothers to read his rulebook.
October 5, 1996: Former Maple Leaf Vincent Damphousse debuts as captain of the Canadiens, and later admits that he finds Montreal's famed dressing room slogan, “To you from failing hands we throw the torch, be yours to hold it high,” to be slightly more inspiring than the Harold Ballard–era Maple Leafs version, “Absolutely no refunds.”
February 25, 1997: The Maple Leafs trade captain Doug Gilmour to the Devils, marking the start of a top-secret long-term plan known internally as “Operation Eventually Have Him Wind Up with the Canadiens So He Can Destroy Their Penalty Box.”
May 30, 1997: The Maple Leafs officially name former Canadiens star Ken Dryden as the team's new president, after realizing it would be the only way to get him to stop answering the first question they asked him at the job interview three weeks ago.
January 27, 2002: Three former Maple Leafs—Doug Gilmour, Sergei Berezin, and Yanic Perreault—combine to score the historic 10,000th home ice goal in Canadiens history. The total does not include playoff or post-season goals, which would have seen the record reached years earlier, or intra-squad scrimmages, which would have seen the record reached three minutes into Andre Racicot's first practice.
April 7, 2007: In a thrilling game that features several lead changes and a furious Toronto comeback, the Maple Leafs eliminate the Canadiens from playoff contention in the final game of the season and earn the right to spend the rest of the summer figuring out which swearwords go best with “Wade Dubielewicz.”
July 2, 2008: The Maple Leafs acquire center Mikhail Grabovski from Montreal for a draft pick, leaving the Toronto front office wondering why the Canadiens seemed so eager to move such a talented player, why the price wasn't much higher, and why Grabovski showed up with his pockets stuffed full of “Just FYI, Mike Komisarek is a free agent next year” highlight DVDs.
Chapter 25
The Details of Don Cherry's Contract
It's quite possible that Don Cherry is the most popular media personality in hockey, but it's almost certain that he's the most controversial. In fact, Cherry is such a larger-than-life figure that even his contract negotiations can become headline news.
The pattern is familiar by now. Every few years we hear speculation that Cherry is on the way out. Inevitably, that's followed by word that he's signed on for another few years. The news thrills some fans, and infuriates others. And then we all move on.
Since this is hockey, any press release announcing a new deal always includes a line noting that “the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed.” And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the most recent agreement.
As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:
From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as “they” instead of “we,” such as in, “Boy, I really really really hope they win tonight.”
The deal is in the ten-to-twelve-million range, assuming we're talking jacket patterns.
As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.
The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands, but we assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.
Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey-highlight video bearing his name, on the off chance he ever decides that's something he might want to do.
The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.
Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled “A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something.”
In addition to Hockey Night In Canada, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as … um … geez … is Bumper Stumpers still on the air?
Cherry agrees to try to turn down the death metal rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.
Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like an idiot every single freaking time.
The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.
The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single “Rock'em Sock'em Techno,” load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot them into the center of the sun.
Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively outdated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.
In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.
Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.
Chapter 26
An In-depth Comparison: Daniel Alfredsson vs. Zdeno Chara
Daniel Alfredsson and Zdeno Chara have a lot in common. Both are well-respected veterans. Both play in the Northeast Division. And both established themselves as stars while playing in Ottawa.
At the 2012 all-star weekend, they had something else in common: They each received the honor of being named as a team captain. That meant they got to draft the teams, choose the skills competition lineups, and lead the all-star squads that would bear their names. It also ensured that they're officially linked in the NHL's history books.
But while they share some characteristics, these are two very different players. Let's take a closer look at the two all-star captains.
Alfredsson: Born in 1972, on December 11.
Chara: Born in 1977, from March 13 to 18.
Chara: Has a wingspan of over seven feet if he spreads his arms out.
Alfredsson: Has a wingspan of over seven feet if we're counting his hairstyle from 2003.
Alfredsson: Once infuriated Maple Leafs fans by pretending that he might throw his stick into the stands before revealing that he was only kidding.
Chara: Continuously infuriates Maple Leafs fans by pretending that he might let Phil Kessel get a shot on goal that night before revealing that he's only kidding.
Chara: On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the other team's toughest players to send the message that his team can't be intimidated.
Alfredsson: On several occasions over the years, has had to fight the urge to grab the team's general manager and scream, “No, seriously, why don't you at least try getting us a half-decent goalie for once?”
Alfredsson: Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as “Alfie.”
Chara: Is often referred to by teammates and opponents as “Whatever you want us to call you, just dear God please don't hurt anybody.”
Chara: Was a guest at the unveiling of a statue in his likeness in his hometown of Trencin in honor of his greatest moment, his Stanley Cup win.
Alfredsson: Senators fans will probably present him with his own statue honoring his greatest moment, just as soon as they figure out how to sculpt a writhing Darcy Tucker onto the ground first.
Alfredsson: Has a deceptive skill set that can sometimes cause defenders to fail to realize how much speed he can generate until he's already blown by them.
Chara: Has a deceptive skill set that can sometimes cause team ownership to choose to spend all their money on re-signing a future minor leaguer instead.
Chara: Has the hardest slap shot in NHL history, according to the radar gun at the skills competition.
Alfredsson: Has a surprisingly decent slap shot himself, according to an angry Scott Niedermayer.
Alfredsson: His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on European players and their ability to serve as team leaders.
Chara: His career has forced hockey fans to rethink their views on slamming people's faces into metal stanchions, since most of us had assumed there was some sort of rule against it.
Chara: Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de France course.
Alfredsson: Is an avid cyclist who has occasionally ridden stages of the Tour de Wait Why Are All the Senators Always Riding Stationary Bikes in Every Post-Game Interview?
Alfredsson: When he made his selections at the all-star draft, he was greeted with a warm ovation from an appreciative home crowd.
Chara: When he made his selections at the all-star draft, he was shouted down with loud boos, profanity and personal insults, although eventually the Canucks players quieted down and let him make his pick.
Chara: Is fluent in English, Slovak, Czech, Polish, German, Swedish, and Russian.
Alfredsson: Lives in Ottawa, so can presumably say, “The vegan restaurant is located between the shawarma place and the other shawarma place,” in both official languages.
Alfredsson: No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.
Chara: No halfway competent general manager would ever trade him away.
Chapter 27
Take the Quiz: How Will Your Team Do this Year?
The start of the season is one of the best times of the year to be a hockey fan. Training camp is done, final rosters have been announced, and the games finally matter again. Very soon, we get to start separating the contenders from the pretenders.
But what if you're the type of fan who doesn't like suspense? What if you can't be bothered to watch eighty-two games just to find out whether your favorite team will be any good this year?
You're in luck. By taking the quiz below, you can find out right now whether your team has what it takes to succeed. Simply grab a pen, circle the answer to each question that best applies to your team, and then consult the answer key at the end.
Spoiler alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.
1. What is your team's official marketing slogan for the coming season?
A) “Come and watch us on our quest for the Stanley Cup.”
B) “Win or lose, you'll always see an honest effort.”
C) “Hey, as long as everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt there's really no reason to keep score, right?”
D) “Of course we have no chance, but at least the fans don't know that. Uh, remember not to write that last part down.”
2. During an exhibition game, you notice your team's coach is using one of those fancy new tablet computers behind the bench. When the camera zooms in on the screen, what would you expect to see him doing?
A) Drawing up a detailed play that's specific to the current personnel and game situation.
B) Reviewing video of a play that took place earlier.
C) Googling the phrase “How does ‘icing' work?”
D) Posting his résumé online.
3. Your team's prized prospect is often referred to as:
A) Alexander Ovechkin without the mercy.
B) Chris Pronger without the mean streak.
C) Martin St. Louis without the size.
D) Steve Mason without the limbs.
4. Whenever experts discuss your team, what is the most common phrase they use?
A) “The presumptive Stanley Cup champions.”
B) “The dark horse contender.”
C) “The complete and utter travesty of a team, an embarrassing collection of unskilled impostors, seemingly lacking in even the most basic human capacity for shame.”
D) “The Edmonton Oilers.”
5. How often does your team take a “too many men on the ice” penalty?
A) Never. The coaching staff has enforced an unshakable teamwide commitment to discipline.
B) Occasionally. But only because of confusion caused by those two all-star forwards being identical twins.
C) Often. Your players have difficulty w
ith complex concepts, such as “six.”
D) Never. The league has ruled that, due to their talent level, it is technically impossible for your team to ever be using “too many” players.
6. When asked by a reporter for what he would like to be able to say about his team at the end of the season, the general manager replies:
A) “That we won it all—nothing else will be acceptable.”
B) “That we always gave it everything we had, even if it was in a losing cause.”
C) “That we finished near the top of the league in ties.”
D) “At the end of the season? You should probably ask somebody who'll still be employed here.”
7. Whenever you hear experts say that your team will contend for a championship, they immediately add:
A) “Then again, I'm really just stating the obvious here.”
B) “Of course, that's only if they're able to stay completely healthy.”
C) “This concludes my demonstration of the sort of thing people say when they've suffered severe head trauma.”
D) “e5.”
8. What is currently hanging from the ceiling in your team's dressing room?
A) A replica of last year's championship banner.
B) An inspirational quote about never giving up during difficult times.