by Sean McIndoe
C) Streamers, balloons, and a sign reading “Congratulations on winning a face-off.”
D) The starting goaltender.
Scoring: Total up your answers, then check below to find out how your team did.
Mostly As: Plan the parade!
Mostly Bs: Get ready to enjoy the ups and downs of an interesting season.
Mostly Cs: Oh well, at least you can look forward to a top-five draft pick next year.
Mostly Ds: … and every other year, forever.
Chapter 28
Behind the Scenes at NHL Referee Tryouts
All right everyone, gather around. Welcome to day one of the training course to become an NHL referee. I'll be your instructor, and I'm going to teach you everything you need to know to earn your orange stripe.
I see we have a good turnout today. Wow, there must be hundreds of you. I can see why, of course. You're talking about a chance to be front and center in the greatest hockey league in the world. Who wouldn't want this job? Let's get started.
OK, everyone get in line and head out onto the ice. Once we're all out there, we'll … what's that? Yes, there are people in the stands booing you. Right, sure, one of them seems to be screaming horrible things about your mother. No, of course they don't know you and have never met you. What does that have to do with anything? Do you want to be a referee or not?
Hmm. Did a few of you just turn around and leave? That's weird. I guess they must have forgotten something in the locker room.
OK, let's get started by practicing some close calls down in the corner. Now, this is all going to happen really fast, so be ready. Get into the perfect position. Make sure you have a clear view. Watch carefully, and … make your call. Hey, look at all those hands in the air. Two minutes for hooking? Nice call. Go over and report it to the timekeeper. I'll admit that was a tough one, but hey, you have to learn to call it like you see it.
All right, we're just going to pause here for a moment so the broadcasters can analyze the play in super slow motion from ten different angles and explain to a few million viewers how you got it wrong. Just give them a minute. Don't worry, if your call went against the home team they'll show it on the giant scoreboard so everyone in the arena will get to see it too.
Let's run another play and see how you decide to call it. OK, this time I see that you decided not to call a penalty. Interesting. It was another close play, but if your judgment says it wasn't a penalty then that's absolutely what you should …
Oops, I heard a whistle. Oh look, apparently your partner at the other end of the rink decided to call a penalty on that play that happened right in front of you. That's right, the one you were standing five feet away from. He thinks you missed it. What's that? No, of course you can't overrule him. Why would we let you do that? No, you just stand there while he makes the call and basically tells everyone watching that he thinks you screwed up.
Hey, am I imagining things or did we lose a few more people? Weird.
OK, one last important thing to go over. In some cases a play may need to be reviewed, and you'll need to wait for the war room in Toronto to analyze the instant replay. What's that? How will you know when a review is taking place? Oh, we've taken care of that. You'll hear a special horn blast that will alert you. Let's listen to it now … there you go. Nice and loud. Hard to miss.
Is there a question in the back? Yes. Yes, that's right. You get to have a job where 20,000 people get to hear a special sound effect every time your supervisor thinks you may have made a mistake. Cool, eh?
OK, so you hear the horn and you skate over to the timekeeper's area. He'll hand you a phone through the hole in the glass. Try not to get the cord tangled. Yes, that's right, the cord. Because the phones are from 1972, that's why. Be careful with those things. They're valuable antiques.
I'm sorry, what was that? Why can't you just watch the replay yourself? Ha ha. Don't be silly. What kind of league would do that? Right, the NFL, exactly. What do they know?
OK, now it's time to announce the ruling to the crowd. Take a few steps back, face the camera, and look like you absolutely hate this part of your job. Now remember, when you're announcing the decision make sure you only actually say every third word. In the rare event that you've been given a microphone that actually works, you wouldn't want the fans to understand anything you were saying.
Let's all practice that. Perfect. You guys are really good. Well, the four of you who are still here. I could have sworn there were supposed to be more of you.
OK, so far you've been verbally assaulted by strangers, second-guessed by broadcasters, undermined by your colleague, and embarrassed by your boss. Hmm. We may not have time for the part where the players protest a call by wildly overacting because they know the game is being televised. We'll have to cover that tomorrow.
Well, congratulations, everyone. You made it through day one. We simulated a game, and you came through with flying colors. Now it's time to head back to the officials' dressing room, crack a cold beer, and reflect on a job well done. The game couldn't go on without you, and anyone who loves the sport owes you a debt of gratitude.
Hey, speaking of the fans, let's just see what they're saying about you on Twitter. There's some really well-thought-out feedback being shared here right now. This guy has a suggestion for you. Hmm. I didn't even know that was anatomically possible! You guys should really have a look at …
Guys?
Man, it's weird how that always keeps happening.
Chapter 29
Come On Down: A History of NHL Game Show Appearances
The NHL made an unexpected pop culture appearance back in 2010 when the Toronto Maple Leafs were the answer to the final question on the game show Jeopardy!
The question (“In action since 1917, this sports franchise is now largely owned by the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan.”) wasn't especially difficult. Two of the three contestants knew the correct answer, including Tom, the eventual champion. Hey, plan the parade, right?
But while it was certainly fun to see the Leafs make a cameo on one of the world's most popular game shows, it wasn't an especially rare sight. It may surprise younger fans to learn that the NHL actually has a long and distinguished history of showing up on some of television's most beloved games shows, albeit with mixed results.
Here are a few of the more memorable examples:
2008: After multiple attempts to explain the rules of the bidding portion of the game, exasperated producers for The Price Is Right are forced to disqualify Glen Sather after he is unable to grasp the concept of “without going over.”
1994: While trying to figure out a way to get the blood and shards of teeth out of his hair, Family Feud host Richard Dawson vows to never again get lippy with the Sutter brothers.
1999: Despite following the proven formula of using a bland former lawyer as host, the NHL Network is disappointed by the negative critical reception and record low ratings for their production of Win Gil Stein's Money.
2004: During an uncomfortable episode of Wheel of Fortune, Gary Bettman spends twenty minutes squinting at a board reading “NOBODY IN PHOENIX ENJOYS WATCHING HOC-EY” without solving the puzzle.
1995: The Hollywood Squares becomes incredibly dull and ratings plummet during the years after special guests Jacques Lemaire and Lou Lamoriello develop a strategy that involves never doing anything except going for the block.
2005: An outraged Kyle Wellwood storms off the set of Tic Tac Dough after learning that he is playing for an assortment of cash and prizes, and not for actual Tic Tacs and dough.
2009: In a short-lived effort to appeal to hockey fans, NBC launches a show called Deal or No Deal or To Be Honest I'd Love to Make a Deal But I Can't Do Anything Until the Trade Deadline Because of This Stupid Salary Cap.
2010: Lightning goaltender Dan Ellis declines an invitation to appear on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? on the grounds that it would just end up creating more problems.
2007: A special “Enforcers of the N
HL” edition of The Weakest Link unexpectedly turns out to be the series' final episode, although it does teach viewers a valuable lesson about what happens when you accidentally call Link Gaetz weak.
1984: Frustrated Press Your Luck host Peter Tomarken stops the show to explain to a St. Louis Blues fan contestant that while inconsistent goaltending is certainly an issue for any hockey team, there's still no need to punctuate every spin with cries of “No Wamsleys!”
2006: “NHL Arena Music Director” week on Name That Tune ends up being a disaster when none of them are able to name any tune that isn't “Welcome to the Jungle,” “Cotton Eye Joe,” or that one where they just keep saying “Woo-hoo.”
1986: A young John Ferguson Jr. appears on Let's Make a Deal, trades a brand new car for a goat, and then immediately gives the goat a no-trade clause.
Chapter 30
The Official Map of An NHL Rink
NHL fans learned something new during the 2011 playoffs: Colin Campbell revealed the existence of a “hitting zone” behind the net where, apparently, head shots are legal.
This got me wondering: What else don't we know about the NHL rink? So I dug into my old cartography library, and came up with this original map that lays it all out:
It all makes sense now …
Chapter 31
A Brief History of Wayne Gretzky
Hockey fans love a good debate. But ask them who the greatest player of all time is, and you typically won't get much of an argument: Wayne Gretzky will always be “The Great One.”
From a playing career that saw him smash virtually every scoring record in existence to off-ice success behind the bench and in the front office, Gretzky has been a class act and an ambassador for hockey.
Let's take a look back at some of the highlights of his remarkable career:
January 26, 1979: On his eighteenth birthday, Gretzky signs a ten-year personal services contract with owner Peter Pocklington of the WHA's Edmonton Oilers. The deal makes Gretzky ineligible for that summer's NHL entry draft, marking the only known instance of the Oilers preventing a first overall pick.
December 30, 1981: Gretzky scores five goals against the Flyers, reaching the fifty-goal mark on the season in only 39 games to set a record that will surely be broken at some point in the future, assuming the league tweaks the rules to make each game three weeks long.
May 19, 1984: Gretzky wins his first Stanley Cup when the Oilers defeat a veteran Islanders team, causing a disappointed New York front office to acknowledge that it's probably time to get started on a quick thirty-year rebuilding plan.
July 17, 1988: After marrying Janet Jones in a million-dollar ceremony in Edmonton, Gretzky gets a bad feeling after noticing that every wedding gift from the Oilers' front office is luggage.
August 9, 1988: In one of the biggest trades in sports history, the Los Angeles Kings send Jimmy Carson, Martin Gelinas, three draft picks, and cash to the Oilers in exchange for Gretzky, Mike Krushelnyski, Marty McSorley, and a horribly awkward Saturday Night Live hosting spot to be named later.
October 15, 1989: Gretzky shows his flair for the dramatic when he breaks Gordie Howe's all-time scoring record with a goal in Edmonton, although some critics point out that doing it on a slap shot that first ricochets off Peter Pocklington's forehead in the owner's box seems like showing off.
February 25, 1991: Gretzky partners with Bruce McNall and John Candy to purchase the Toronto Argonauts, explaining that he wants to see what it would feel like to own a professional sports team besides the Calgary Flames.
May 19, 1993: Gretzky doesn't receive a penalty for high-sticking Toronto's Doug Gilmour in overtime, in an incident that your die-hard Maple Leafs fan friend admits he vaguely recalls hearing about way back when, before asking you to adjust the straps on his straightjacket.
February 27, 1996: Gretzky is traded to the St. Louis Blues and spends the next few months playing on a line with Brett Hull and scoring goals and getting assists and taking slap shots and … You know what? Nobody remembers this part of his career at all, so let's just move on.
July 21, 1996: Gretzky joins the New York Rangers as an unrestricted free agent, although he'll later admit he thought he was just signing up for a support group for people who recently had to endure the trauma of being coached by Mike Keenan.
April 18, 1999: Gretzky plays the last game of his career, waves to the crowd, then leaves the ice for the final time before turning to his teammates and saying, “Wait, why didn't anyone ever tell me I had one side of my jersey untucked this whole time?”
November 22, 1999: In unprecedented recognition of his remarkable career, the Hockey Hall of Fame is inducted into Wayne Gretzky.
February 18, 2002: Gretzky delivers his infamous Olympic rant in response to a question at a press conference, painting the Canadian team as the underdogs who the American fans and media are hoping to see fail. Gretzky later claims that the tirade was spontaneous, although many suspect the entire outburst was actually pre-planned, given that it came in response to the question “Um, excuse me, sir, but what are you doing at our luge press conference?”
November 22, 2003: Gretzky plays in his only old-timers event when he suits up for Edmonton in the Heritage Classic outdoor game, later admitting that he agreed to be surrounded by washed-up former Oilers one last time in an attempt to relive his years with the Rangers.
August 8, 2005: Gretzky is named head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes, and immediately reassures his players that even though he often scored over 200 points a season, he's pretty sure the team can still be competitive with the fourth liners only chipping in, like, 170.
February 12, 2010: As he slowly winds his way through the streets of Vancouver, Gretzky begins to wonder why the nice man who offered him a lift home from the Olympic Opening Ceremony insisted that he sit in the back seat of the pickup truck and hold a torch.
Chapter 32
How to Spend your day with the Stanley Cup
One of hockey's most beloved annual traditions is the sight of players from that year's champion team enjoying a day with the Cup, leading the trophy through a tour of small towns, big cities, and community barbeques. Each stop along the way is a feel-good story, as fans young and old get a rare chance to spend time with the greatest trophy in all of sports.
But while each player is given free rein to determine how to spend his day with the Cup, the league does provide some guidance. Each player receives a printed memo from the NHL head office with a few tips to help things run smoothly.
Most fans never get to see that memo, but I just happen to have come into possession of a copy, which I've reproduced below.
Congratulations on winning the Stanley Cup! As per hockey tradition, you are now entitled to spend one full day with the trophy in a location of your choice.
Before you plan your big day, however, the National Hockey League would like to offer several suggestions to help make your day more enjoyable:
Consider having several small cards printed up that explain that the Stanley Cup is a trophy awarded to the NHL champion at the end of every season. This will save you from having to constantly stop and explain it to lifelong St. Louis Blues fans who have never seen it before.
You're likely to meet fans who will want to take photos of their children or relatives sitting in the bowl of the Cup. For reference, the Cup can safely hold the weight of one large toddler, two small babies, or three Montreal Canadiens forwards.
Remember that the Cup is made entirely of metal and is prone to tarnish if exposed to excessive moisture. Please keep it away from Jeremy Roenick, in case he starts bawling like a toddler again.
The Stanley Cup is notable for its tradition of recording past champions with their names etched into the sides of the trophy. Given how easily the Cup can be scratched or dented, please respect the league's history by only dropping it so that it lands on forgotten teams such as the 2004 Tampa Bay Lightning or 2006 Carolina Hurricanes.
When describing your Cup win
as, “easily the greatest moment of my entire life,” be sure to awkwardly add, “Um, other than my wedding day,” if you think your wife may be listening.
If you happen to meet an Ottawa Senators fan, he will want to tell you about all the Stanley Cups his team won back in the 1700s. As a representative of the National Hockey League, please do your best to listen to him politely for at least five full minutes before pulling the nearest fire alarm.
The Stanley Cup is 117 years old. If you decide to take it to Denny's, don't forget that you can order off the seniors' menu.
Impress your friends by pointing out that the engravings on the Stanley Cup include several typos and other errors. For example, in 1975 Bob Gainey's name is misspelled as “Gainy.” In 1981, the New York Islanders are misspelled as “Ilanders.” And in 1999, the Buffalo Sabres are misspelled as “Dallas Stars.”
Occasionally, a young child may ask you why the trophy doesn't list a champion for the 2004–05 season. The best way to answer this question is to ask the child for his allowance, use it to light an expensive cigar, and then blow smoke rings in the child's face while pointing and laughing.
Please keep in mind that the Cup has been handled by literally thousands of players and fans over the years. Consider giving it a quick wipe-down with a wet paper towel before letting your newborn drink formula out of it.
Chapter 33
Determining Whether a Goal Should Count: The NHL War Room's Top-Secret Flow Chart