by Sean McIndoe
A) Looks around the dressing room and says, “I just need to watch the way these guys prepare every day, and do what they do.”
B) Mumbles some clichés about hard work and perseverance.
C) Shrugs his shoulder and says, “Playing a game against us sure seems to work.”
D) Adjusts his hearing aid and yells, “Speak up, sonny!”
3. Most teams don't begin a rebuild if they still have a chance at making the playoffs. Based on the current standings, your team will make the playoffs as long as:
A) There isn't some sort of work stoppage, since you've already mathematically clinched your spot.
B) You can stay healthy and avoid prolonged slumps, since you have a solid lead.
C) There's a surprise mid-season realignment that for some reason puts you in your own conference.
D) The league starts giving bonus points for regulation losses too, but only to your team.
4. Attempts to rebuild can sometimes be blocked by veteran players with no-trade clauses. Do you think your star players would consider being moved?
A) Players would be reluctant to leave, but would be willing to accept a trade if it was in the team's best interest because of how well they've been treated by the franchise.
B) It wouldn't be an issue, as we've wisely ensured that we don't have any no-trade clauses on the roster.
C) It wouldn't be an issue, as we've wisely ensured that we don't have any star players on the roster.
D) Does scrawling “Get me out of here” on their no-trade clause, wrapping it around a rock and throwing it through my bedroom window every single morning count as waiving? Because if so, we're probably all set.
5. A rebuild may be unnecessary if you already have a strong crop of prospects in the minor leagues. What would you consider to be the single-biggest issue with the current state of your farm system?
A) We have so many elite prospects that we struggle to find ice time for everyone.
B) We have fewer top prospects than we'd like, since we've traded some away in exchange for some of the top-tier NHL players in our current lineup.
C) Whenever we try to call up a prospect, he says, “No thanks, I'll stay down here in the AHL where I have a better chance at winning the Stanley Cup.”
D) We have no prospects because we heard you were supposed to trade all of them for rentals, although come to think of it, that really seemed to confuse the kid working the counter at Hertz.
6. It's important to have the support of ownership before undergoing a change in strategy. What does your team's owner say when you mention that you'd like to rebuild for the long term?
A) Expresses concern because the current roster is already so strong.
B) Assures you that you're free to do whatever you think is best because he has absolute confidence in your judgment.
C) Insists that he be allowed to run any potential trades by his most trusted advisor, the GM mode in NHL 95.
D) Mumbles, “Uh, yeah, long term,” before going back to giving Bob Gainey a tour of your office.
Scoring: Tally up your answers and check below to see how you did.
Mostly As: Keep your team intact, since it sounds like it's one of the best in the entire league.
Mostly Bs: Stay patient, but be prepared to move quickly if the team's performance takes a turn for the worse.
Mostly Cs: Act quickly: Package your veteran players in an attempt to clear out salary cap space.
Mostly Ds: Act quickly. Package your personal belongings and stray office supplies in an attempt to clear out your desk.
Mostly scribbles in the margins of the initials “NTC” with little hearts drawn around them: Yes, you do need to rebuild, but it's too late, John—the Maple Leafs fired you in 2008.
Chapter 39
A Tale of Two Homecomings
December 2, 2010, was a memorable night on the sports calendar due to an interesting scheduling coincidence. That was the night that former Cleveland Cavalier star LeBron James and former Senators sniper Dany Heatley both made their heavily hyped returns to the cities they'd abandoned.
James was the bigger story, of course. His decision to join the Miami Heat as a free agent had been front-page news around the world for months. But Heatley's situation had also created plenty of bad feelings in Ottawa and beyond. And the similarities didn't end there.
Here's a look at two of sports' most notable villains, who briefly shared a night in the spotlight thanks to the schedule makers:
LeBron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as “mind-numbingly boring” and “soul-crushingly dull” and “completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse.”
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as “a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland.”
LeBron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive “We Are All Witness” banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the “Stanley Cup Champion” banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.
LeBron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.
LeBron James: Die-hard Cavalier fans booed him mercilessly as soon as he stepped onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Die-hard Senator fans booed him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocked their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.
LeBron James: Attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.
LeBron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as “How will this affect my endorsement opportunities?” and “How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?”
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as “This place isn't Edmonton, right?” and “No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?”
LeBron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry cleaning.
LeBron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.
LeBron James: After only a few weeks in Miami, was briefly embroiled in controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.
LeBron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the final in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the final in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from a hundred years ago still somehow count.
LeBron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.
Chapter 40
The NHL's Hall of Fame Application Form
The annual announcement of the latest Hall of F
ame inductees is one of the most anticipated dates of the year. Within minutes of the official announcement, fans around the world are debating the choices and arguing for their favorite candidates. Who was snubbed? Who got the call but didn't deserve it? Who should have been in years before?
The actual selection process is shrouded in mystery, relying on a secretive committee that prefers its discussions remain confidential. But as you might expect, certain details always leak out. For example, did you know that the entire process actually begins with a basic application form?
It's true. And DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the 2012 application.
As a player who has been retired for three years or more, you are eligible for inclusion in the Hockey Hall of Fame. Congratulations! However, induction to the Hall of Fame is reserved for only the sport's greatest legends. In order to help us determine whether you meet the Hall's strict standards, please fill out this application form outlining your case.
First name: _____
Last name: _____
Nickname the media called you in print: _____
Nickname the media called you behind your back: _____
1. The teams that you played for can, in some cases, influence your chances of being inducted. Do any of the following situations apply to you?
Played for a team in a major media market, which may provide me with a slight advantage.
Played almost my entire career for a team everybody claims to watch but nobody ever does, and am hoping I can get in under the Federko Exemption.
Played for the Maple Leafs for a few weeks when I was in my forties, and am assuming we can just fast-track this whole thing.
Played most of my career for the Vancouver Canucks, so come to think of it I'm probably wasting my time here, aren't I?
2. Offensive totals are an important part of any Hall of Fame case. If your numbers are not as high as other players', explain why you feel you should still be considered.
Played in an era when scoring was lower than it was at other points in history.
Shifted into a more defensive style of play later in my career.
Was injured for a few games against Andrew Raycroft back in 2007, so probably missed out on thirty or forty more goals.
Saw how much trouble Adam Oates was having getting in; just assumed you guys thought that scoring a ton of points was somehow a bad thing.
3. Hall of Fame rules limit us to four player inductions per year. Are there any high-profile 2012 candidates that you think we should pass on this time?
Mats Sundin, since it would probably take him six months to decide whether or not he wants to attend the induction ceremony.
Eric Lindros, since it would just be awkward for everyone when his plaque completely forgets that he once played for the Dallas Stars.
Pavel Bure, since it would be fun to see how Canucks fans would figure out a way to blame it on the Bruins.
Pat Burns, since he was obviously inducted unanimously when he was first eligible two years ago, and only appears on this year's ballot because of a typo, right?
4. Winning one or more championships can certainly bolster your case. Do you have your name on the Stanley Cup?
Sorry, am having trouble checking an option since my hand is so weighed down by all these giant rings.
Was a dedicated team player completely focused on reaching the ultimate goal of winning a championship, and finally achieved that late in my career by demanding that my loser franchise trade me to a way better team.
Um, you saw the part up above where I mentioned playing for the Canucks, right?
Didn't have my name on the Cup when I first came by the Hall of Fame to drop off my application, but thanks to an inattentive security guard and a Sharpie, I do now.
5. Many eligible players wait for years before being inducted, while others are inducted in their first year of eligibility. Do you have any concerns about timing that we should be aware of?
Am really hoping to be inducted now before Chris Osgood gets in and ruins it for everybody.
Would rather not be inducted the same year as Eric Lindros, since I don't want my speech to be interrupted by Flyers fans pelting my family with garbage.
Don't want to wait until next year, because I played for a team based in the southern United States, and it would be cool to be inducted while they still exist.
Am worried that Jeremy Roenick may be voted in at some point in the next few years, and don't really feel like sitting through a six-hour induction speech.
6. Finally, did you ever commit any of the following unpardonable sins (listed in increasing order of severity), which could permanently disqualify you from consideration?
Committed an act of on-ice violence for which I received a lengthy suspension.
Was involved in an off-ice scandal that damaged my reputation and tarnished my legacy.
Was convicted of unspeakable crimes for which I was sentenced to lengthy jail time.
Once made the media wait a few extra minutes for a post-game interview.
Thank you for applying. Please note that only successful candidates will be contacted.
Chapter 41
Rating the NHL's Relocation Candidates
In 2011, the NHL saw a team move for the first time in years, when the Atlanta Thrashers headed to Winnipeg to become the reborn Jets. The destination wasn't a surprise—Winnipeg had been rumored to be in the running for a team for years. But many were expecting that it would be the struggling Phoenix franchise that would be on the move. Instead, the Coyotes stuck around for another year of speculation about an eventual move of their own.
But where? Several cities have been linked with the league in recent years, many with strong cases. But each candidate also comes with a unique set of challenges, and success is far from guaranteed. It goes without saying that the league is under heavy pressure to make the right choice.
I want to help. So I've put together a list of some of the six most frequently mentioned candidates for NHL relocation, and carefully considered the pros and cons of each one.
Hamilton, Ontario
Background: Jim Balsillie has been trying to move a team to the city for years, but has been rejected as a potential NHL owner on the grounds that he has actual money.
Pro: Hockey players are often said to have their best years in their late twenties; if the same applies to hockey arenas, Hamilton should be all set.
Con: If Hamilton ever gets an NHL team then Toronto will want one too, according to the guy in the next cubicle who also still says, “Whazzup?” and quotes dialogue from the Austin Powers movies.
Seattle, Washington
Background: Was actually the first American city to win the Stanley Cup back in 1917, thanks to a late goal by grizzled veteran Mark Recchi.
Pro: Recently had its NBA team blatantly stolen, so probably wouldn't feel too bad about doing the same to some other city.
Con: Vancouver Canucks fans report that unpredictable weather patterns in the Pacific Northwest can sometimes cause springtime heat waves so sudden that fans need to remove their shirts on live television.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Background: Hockey in the desert? That's practically guaranteed to work!
Pro: If the league insists on losing money on a doomed and reckless gamble, it should at least do it somewhere where it'll have company.
Con: Might be hard for fans in attendance to follow the puck, thanks to all the steam rising up from where the ice used to be.
Kansas City, Missouri
Background: Has already tried to lure the Penguins and Islanders in recent years, although that just turned out to be part of a weird plot to try to impress Bryan Trottier.
Pro: Would immediately have a natural geographic rivalry with the St. Louis Blues, and it would be a nice change for someone in the hockey world to remember that the Blues still exist.
Con: The city is called Kansas City but is not located in Kansas, which probably doesn't impact
its ability to support a hockey team, but has always just kind of bothered me.
Markham, Ontario
Background: This town north of Toronto is working towards building an NHL-ready arena, after residents complained that the traffic jams on the 404 weren't quite long enough.
Pro: Falls just outside of Buffalo's boundary for compensation, and screwing over the Sabres on a technicality is one of hockey's richest traditions.
Con: Might not be the first choice of the NHL, which tends to prefer that teams are located in large cities, or medium-sized cities, or small cities, or any kind of actual city.
Quebec City, Quebec
Background: The Nordiques made the mistake of trading for Wendel Clark in 1994; being forced to leave Toronto made him so sad he punched the entire franchise to Colorado.
Pro: Could immediately resume a rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens, which would be great because that worked out so well for Quebec City the last time around.
Con: The city's population must not be very interested in hockey anymore, because if you go around town asking, “Who is your favorite NHL player?” most people just stare at you like you're speaking a different language.
Chapter 42
What an Official NHL Suspension Call Really Sounds Like