by Sean McIndoe
April 11, 2009: The Flyers eliminate the Rangers from playoff contention on the season's final day, thanks to a move they call “glue the puck to the front of a stolen Zamboni and then run over Henrik Lundqvist while he's taking a drink from his water bottle.”
November 3, 2009: Players begin to realize that the best way to score on Rick DiPietro is by coming in as slowly as possible, since given enough time he'll eventually keel over from some random injury, and you can just tap it into the open net.
January 1, 2008: After giving up the game-winning shoot-out goal to Sidney Crosby to end the first-ever outdoor Winter Classic, the Sabres' Ryan Miller comforts himself by telling reporters, “Oh well, at least I know that's the worst game-ending five-hole goal I'll ever give up to that guy on national television.”
Chapter 54
So you Want to be the Commissioner: The NHL's 1993 Job Application Form
The NHL will be celebrating an important anniversary on February 1, 2013: the twentieth anniversary of Gary Bettman's first day on the job as commissioner.
Whether hockey fans will also be celebrating is another matter. Bettman's reign has been nothing if not controversial, and has been marked by several notable successes (massively increased revenue, southern expansion, and unprecedented TV deals) as well as some definite failures (work stoppages, franchise instability, and the “dead puck” era).
It seems like Bettman's every move has been extensively examined and analyzed. Well, all except for one: his hiring. Sure, we all assume that it was the typical big-time executive hiring process, with a competitive recruitment, extensive interviews, and a high-stakes negotiation. But believe it or not, the entire process actually started with a simple application form.
And as luck would have it, DGB spies were able to track down the world's last remaining copy of the NHL's 1993 application form for potential commissioners.
Thank you for your interest in applying for the position of NHL commissioner. To help us learn more about potential candidates and ensure that we hire somebody who will be a great fit for this exciting opportunity, please complete the questionnaire below.
1. Do you have any references from current or past employers?
Do not have any references available.
Can provide phone numbers for reference checks.
Can provide letters of recommendation signed by previous employers.
Can provide a glowing recommendation from my current employer, David Stern, which he has assured me he is willing to deliver in person, since come to think of it he seems oddly enthusiastic about having me go and work for a league that competes directly with his.
2. Why do you want to be NHL commissioner?
Getting tired of always hearing my name mentioned on ESPN.
Have always wanted a chance to travel around North America learning about local bankruptcy laws.
Enjoy posing awkwardly for photographs next to trophies that are taller than I am.
Have heard you can be terrible at this job and still get to induct yourself into the Hockey Hall of Fame.
3. While we have identified the need for our league to grow, we are obviously concerned about diluting the quality of our product due to too much expansion. How would you avoid this potential problem?
Limit geographic options by avoiding any areas that like hockey.
Occasionally try going an entire year without adding any new teams, just to see what happens.
Make the expansion draft format so unfair that nobody will even notice the new teams for years.
Do not understand the words “too much expansion.”
4. Just curious, but, what is one plus one?
Two.
Definitely two.
Obviously two.
Usually two. But every now and then, for no especially good reason, three.
5. The first few years of the nineties were marked by fast, high-scoring, exciting games. How do you feel about the league's current style of play?
Current product is incredibly entertaining as is, but just in case, we should probably check back every ten years or so and see if anything has changed.
To be honest, I find the nets kind of distracting; let's increase the size of goaltending equipment so that we never have to see them again.
Pretty sure we could increase scoring even more if we randomly painted trapezoids behind the net for no reason.
The NFL is super popular, and those guys are constantly grabbing and tackling each other; let's spend the next few years making that legal in hockey.
6. Hey, you do realize that Canadians are going to complain about every single thing you do, no matter what, right?
Yep.
Oh yeah.
Definitely.
What are “Canadians”?
7. The NHL experienced its first league-wide work stoppage in 1992 when the players went on strike for ten days. If you became commissioner, what would be your approach to ensuring continued labor peace?
Lull the fans into a false sense of security by always letting a few seasons go by before another crippling work stoppage.
Make sure that we never allow the cancellation of a full season to impact the league's popularity in the United States by first working hard to ensure that we have none.
Just be glad we don't have to deal with a union head like that guy who's in charge of the MLB players association right now, because man, that dude is crazy!
Oh, let's just say you won't have to worry about any ten-day work stoppages when I'm around. Muhahaha!
8. Um, did you just cackle evilly in a written application form?
. . .
Maybe.
9. That's not even possible.
You cannot even begin to understand the powers I possess.
10. What the . . . How did you just make it thunder and lightning outside?
MUHAHAHA!
11. What time can you start on Monday morning?
I'll be there at 9:00 a.m.
P.S. Make sure you paint a trapezoid behind my desk. I'll explain later.
Chapter 55
The NHL's Top-Secret Flow Chart for Dealing with Scandals
Over the years, the NHL has occasionally had to deal with unpleasant public relations problems. These sorts of things wouldn't happen in a perfect world, of course, but they're unavoidable for a business that operates under so much scrutiny.
Fans can probably recall some of the recent problems the league has had to face down: a suspicious clock malfunction in Los Angeles, Colin Campbell's email controversy, accusations of bias against referees. And let's not even get into the seemingly endless parade of owners who find themselves embroiled in various financial conflicts.
It would be easy for the league to try to sweep those sorts of problems under the rug. But to his credit, Gary Bettman doesn't let those close to him off the hook. Just like players and coaches, league officials are held to high standards and can face serious repercussions for stepping out of line. The league has a strict policy in place for ensuring accountability, and they follow it to the letter.
Here, thanks to my spies at the NHL head office, is the league's official document for handling high-level scandals and controversies.
Chapter 56
Nobody Remembers Number Two: A History of First Overall Draft Picks
The 2012 NHL Draft was a milestone for the league, marking the fiftieth year that teams had gathered to select players from among the available talent. The rules have changed over the years, with tweaks to everything from age limits to the number of rounds to the rules for determining the draft order. But one thing hasn't changed: Everyone wants to be number one.
So while a half-century of NHL drafts has seen thousands of players picked, only fifty can claim to have been taken at the top of their class. Some of those picks went on to stardom, championships, and a place in the Hall of Fame. Others, to put it kindly, wound up being disappointments.
Here's a look back at some of the players who have had the hono
r of being the first overall pick in the NHL draft:
1993: Alexandre Daigle, Ottawa Senators
His often-criticized prediction that nobody would ever remember who was picked second in that year's draft turned out to be correct, given that many players who encountered Chris Pronger during his career reported not remembering anything at all afterwards.
1969: Réjean Houle, Montreal Canadiens
Scouts at the time would agree that the high-scoring winger had never seen a goaltender that he couldn't deke out, or beat on the glove side, or trade for a collection of spare parts even though he was a first-ballot hall-of-famer in his prime.
2008: Steven Stamkos, Tampa Bay Lightning
Before even being officially selected, he was being marketed with a series of billboards in Tampa Bay bearing the slogan “Seen Stamkos?” Those were eventually replaced by billboards from the league's goaltenders reading “No, actually we haven't. But does anyone know why that red light keeps going on?”
2002: Rick Nash, Columbus Blue Jackets
After being selected, Nash shook hands with the Blue Jackets' general manager, the head scout, and then a receiving line of eight other guys who all introduced themselves as “your future head coach for a season or two.”
1996: Chris Phillips, Ottawa Senators
Phillips would go on to become known to fans and teammates as Big Rig, which coincidentally was also the nickname of the 2005 Sidney Crosby draft lottery machine.
1991: Eric Lindros, Quebec Nordiques
The consensus top pick famously refused to put on a Nordiques sweater and insisted that he would never play for the franchise. Lindros faced withering criticism from fans and media but refused to become discouraged, in what marked the only known instance in his career of him keeping his head up.
2000: Rick DiPietro, New York Islanders
His frequently cited reputation for being injury plagued is grossly unfair, since the plague is occasionally treatable.
1971: Guy Lafleur, Montreal Canadiens
Lafleur's selection marked the fourth time the Canadiens had held the first overall pick since 1963, so they were obviously struggling through a perfectly normal decade-long rebuild, figure Edmonton fans.
2006: Erik Johnson, St. Louis Blues
He's a talented American defenseman who now plays for the Blue Jackets or maybe the Avalanche, according to the 90 percent of hockey fans who secretly don't know the difference between him and Jack Johnson.
1973: Denis Potvin, New York Islanders
The Hall of Fame defenseman went on to inspire Rangers fans to set a record for the all-time loudest “Potvin sucks” chant that would stand until 1996, when it was broken by Ron Hextall's orthodontist.
2004: Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals
Advance scouting reports on the young Russian sniper were so overwhelmingly intimidating that the entire league decided to just take a year off rather than face him.
2007: Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks
He is often compared to Eric Lindros in that they were both first overall picks who wore the number 88, although only one of them would find out what it's like to win the Stanley Cup in Philadelphia.
1984: Mario Lemieux, Pittsburgh Penguins
Lemieux declined to put on a Penguins jersey immediately after being chosen, partly due to a contract dispute with Pittsburgh management, but mostly because it already had four Patrick Division defensemen hanging off of it.
1999: Patrick Stefan, Atlanta Thrashers
He is often referred to as the biggest draft bust of all time, but that's unfair because he was actually one of the more valuable players of the last decade, according to people who make hockey blooper videos on YouTube.
1983: Brian Lawton, Minnesota North Stars
Lawton was the first-ever American to be picked first overall, breaking down a barrier that would make it possible six years later for Mike Modano to become the first American to be picked first overall who is any good.
2011: Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Edmonton Oilers
He was considered a perfect fit for the Oilers' system based on his time with the WHL's Red Deer Rebels, because he never played with any NHL defenseman there either.
1985: Wendel Clark, Toronto Maple Leafs
Although their scouts had prepared a long list of players who could potentially help the club, the Leafs eventually settled on Clark after every other prospect in the draft was mysteriously forced to retire that afternoon due to severe knuckle-shaped facial injuries.
Chapter 57
How to Become an Ironman
In sports, records are made to be broken. Or at least that's how it's supposed to work. But every now and then, somebody sets a record that seems untouchable. It's hard to imagine anyone ever beating Wayne Gretzky's 2,857 career points, or Teemu Selanne's 76 goals as a rookie. Glenn Hall's 502 consecutive starts as a goalie? Forget it.
And then there's Doug Jarvis. An excellent two-way forward in the seventies and eighties, Jarvis set the all-time NHL ironman record of 964 straight games. Steve Larmer looked like he may challenge the record for a time, but in the two decades since then no NHL player has managed to get close.
Will anyone ever again challenge Jarvis's mark? Maybe not. But if you're an NHL player hoping to start your own ironman streak, here are some common-sense tips that could help you get started on the road to the record book:
DO: Stay healthy by avoiding collisions that would increase your risk of suffering an injury.
DO NOT: Worry about collisions that carry absolutely no physical risk, such as running Ryan Miller in front of the entire Sabres roster.
DO: Feel confident that the NHL's recent changes to Rule 48 will drastically reduce the risk that you will suffer a serious head injury.
DO NOT: Attempt to actually understand how the league applies Rule 48, as this will cause a serious head injury.
DO: Follow the example of current league ironman Jay Bouwmeester by focusing all of your energy on training and conditioning that will allow you to continue your streak.
DO NOT: Allow yourself to become sidetracked by frivolous distractions, such as playing in the occasional post-season game.
DO: Follow league guidelines by taking and passing a comprehensive concussion screening test after suffering a hit to the head.
DO NOT: Feel pressured to take the test before you're ready; feel free to play in a few more games first, like everyone else does.
DO: Be aware of which opponents are out on the ice against you at all times.
DO NOT: Forget to casually brush the ice shavings from your uniform after uncurling from the fetal position once the referee assures you that, yes, Dion Phaneuf has finished his shift.
DO: Publicly commit yourself to following a strict diet of nutritious foods.
DO NOT: Let Gary Roberts overhear you saying that, since he'll make you actually do it.
DO: Reward yourself for all your hard work and dedication by taking advantage of some relaxation time at home, perhaps by surfing the internet or stretching out in front of the television.
DO NOT: Be surprised when the installation tech from the phone or cable company blindsides you in the side of the knee with a crescent wrench while muttering, “Go Leafs go.”
DO: Hit the gym often to make sure you're in peak physical condition.
DO NOT: Bother working out any body parts other than upper body and lower body, since those are the only ones that anyone ever injures.
DO: Make sure you always wear the best and most modern equipment possible to protect important body parts like your elbows, shoulders, ankles, and shins.
DO NOT: Worry about also wearing something to protect your eyes, because hey, no point going overboard, right?
Chapter 58
Behind the Scenes at NHL Fan Training Camp
OK, folks, can I get everyone's attention? Quiet in the back, please. Don't make me blow this whistle again. As you know, NHL team training camps have opened. And we thought this ye
ar it would be a good idea to do the same for all of you, the fans. So everyone take a knee and listen up.
Today we're going to go over some strategy for the coming season, diagram a few plays, and run a couple of drills. We may also have to send a few of you home. I know, I know, it won't be fun for me either, but what's a training camp without a few cuts? Everyone do your best and I'm sure you'll stick around.
OK, let's get started. First up is special teams. Now imagine your favorite team is on the power play. What are you fans going to be doing? Yes, that's right, you'll be yelling, “SHOOOOT” for the entire two minutes. Let's all practice that right now. Hey, good job, you guys are in mid-season form!
Hold up, I think someone back there had a question? Could you repeat that so everyone can hear? Shouldn't we wait for the players to get set up before we start yelling for them to shoot? OK, well, looks like we have our first cut. The rest of you work on your “SHOOOOT” while Mr. Smartypants here packs up his gear and heads for the nearest exit. It's over there next to the confused guy in the Thrashers jersey who really should have kept up with his hockey news.
For the rest of you, the next topic is fighting. Now this is going to be tricky. For years, this was the easiest part of being a fan. When a fight started, you stood up, screamed for a while, high-fived your buddy, and then sat down happy. But over the past few years we've been learning about the damage these fights can do, and it's not pretty.