by Sean McIndoe
So here's the new process, effective this season: stand up; start to cheer; realize you're not supposed to be cheering; look around to see if other fans are cheering; cheer halfheartedly so you don't seem like a wimp; sit down awkwardly; and be consumed by a haunting cognitive dissonance for the rest of the evening. OK, everyone got it? Begin!
Hmm … I guess this one is going to take some work.
You know what? Let's come back to that one. Instead, let's lighten the mood a little. Who's up for The Wave? Everybody ready? Three, two, one … go!
OK, that was actually a trick question. Everyone who stood up just now is cut. Thanks for coming out. We hear they may be having MLB tryouts next door.
While we're at it, the following fans are also cut: anyone who stands up to wave at a TV camera while holding a cell phone. Anyone who forwards stories they read on anonymous trade rumor websites. And anyone who makes jokes about how fat a player is while simultaneously weighing one hundred pounds more than that player.
OK, we've been at this for almost a half-hour, which means the Toronto Maple Leafs platinum season-ticket holders have finally started arriving. If anyone wants to pelt them with empty water bottles, be my guest. No batteries, Flyers fans!
All right, time for the “buying a team jersey” drill. When I blow the whistle, you sprint to the sales display and grab your favorite team's jersey. Then grab a match and light your paycheck on fire. Now sprint back, and see if you can put the jersey on and wear it for a few minutes before the team announces they're being replaced with brand new ones. Hmm. Nobody made it. Oh well, we can always work on …
OK, who threw that waffle?
Look, folks. While we admire your passion and even your creativity, one of the areas we really want to emphasize this year is only doing things that make sense. That means no throwing waffles or dressing up in a spandex bodysuit or buying Calgary Flames playoff tickets. Let's keep it in the real world.
What's that? Yes, of course you can still hide an octopus in your pants and then throw it at the national anthem singer. Like I said, we're only trying to get rid of the strange stuff.
OK, let's divide up for our last drill. This one is called “reacting rationally to seeing your team play poorly in one meaningless pre-season game.” So everyone line up over there, next to the big pile of torches and pitchforks.
What's that? The Habs fans brought your own? Um … yeah. Well, that's why you guys are the greatest fans of all. No question about it. You guys are the best.
Please don't call 911.
Chapter 59
Signs you May be Injury Prone
Injuries are a hockey fact of life. By the time an NHL season has worn on for a few months, virtually everyone is fighting through some aches and pains. Many will play through them, while others have to miss games.
Of course, some players seem to find themselves in that latter group more often than others. Whether it's due to a reckless playing style, a refusal to play through pain, or just plain old bad luck, some players just always seem to be hurt. And once a player has earned a reputation for being injury prone, it can be a hard one to shake.
So if you're an NHL player wondering if you're hurt too often, read on for some possible signs that you may deserve the dreaded “injury prone” label.
The two-paragraph section of the CBA dealing with the injured reserve mentions you by name fourteen times.
Your hometown fans have booed Daniel Alfredsson ever since he mocked you by pretending to throw a broken femur into the stands.
Every time your coach sends you onto the ice for a shift, the referee immediately gives him a match penalty for intent to injure.
When he's angry at you, Zdeno Chara only bothers to guide you towards the general vicinity of the metal stanchion, instead of intentionally slamming you face-first into it.
Every time somebody goes to hit you near the bench, the players and coaches all pull plastic sheeting over their heads like they're at a Gallagher show.
Your scouting report describes you as “a chandelier, if it was made out of eggshells and papier-m€ché by Rick DiPietro.”
When you were a kid, your parents used to always tell you, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will only result in you being out day to day with a sprained medial collateral ligament.”
Any time somebody throws a body check against you in a game of NHL 13 it makes your head bleed. Not your character's—yours.
Instead of Don Cherry constantly calling you a flamingo on Coach's Corner because you lift one leg while blocking a shot, Don Cherry constantly calls you a flamingo on Coach's Corner because your knees bend the wrong way.
While many players over the years have been mockingly described as being allergic to body contact, you're the only one who isn't allowed into the corners unless you're wearing your clip-on EpiPen pouch.
Any time Raffi Torres skates towards you to deliver a potentially career-ending head shot, he pauses at the last second and then mumbles, “Oh, I guess somebody must have already got here.”
You spend every off-day visiting with as many children as possible at the local hospital, but eventually they all have to leave and go home.
An ambulance follows you twenty-four hours a day, making you the first NHL player to have a red light flashing behind you at all times who wasn't a Maple Leafs goalie.
Other players: often criticized for attempting to fight without first removing their helmet and visor. You: often criticized for attempting to fight without first removing your protective plastic bubble.
Professional baseball players refer to you as “the toughest person we have ever seen.”
Chapter 60
Inside the NHL's Legal Brief on the 2011 NFL Work Stoppage
Football fans had a rough off-season in 2011. The NFL was going through a messy labor dispute that would drag on for months, with many experts suggesting that a work stoppage could wipe out some or even all of the season.
In the end those dire predictions turned out to be wrong, with the two sides reaching an agreement that prevented any games from being lost. But not before the NHL managed to get involved in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and its players association, by filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.
The move caught many observers off guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems? Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top-secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners no doubt found invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:
The cover page of the document has a note, in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting, that reads: “Should I have heard of these guys?”
The brief contains a lengthy section titled: “How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap.”
The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
Under the heading “Typo Alert,” NHL officials write: “Couldn't help but notice that you keep claiming you make several billion dollars a year off of your TV deal. Silly NFL, ‘million' is spelled with an ‘m'!”
At the request of NHL officials, the brief includes the following note: “Hey, can you ask your referees where they get those microphones that actually work during crucial calls?”
Three-quarters of the document's pages are spent trying to explain the NHL's exact policy on head shots.
The brief includes a note from Mike Murphy that reads: “The guys in your replay room must be blind, because somebody scores using a distinctive kicking motion in, like, every single game.”
A copy of Gary Bettman's résumé was “accidentally” slipped in between the first two pages.
At one point, the NHL writes: “That little silver football thing you guys have is adorable, but give us a call if you ever
decide to move up to giving out big-boy trophies.”
The league strongly encourages owners in other sports to stand firm in labour disputes, at one point noting: “In fact, if both the NFL and NBA wanted to just cancel the next several seasons, we'd be totally fine with that.”
The brief includes a section titled: “A detailed guide to televising a draft without letting your announcers ruin the suspense of every pick ten seconds before it's announced.”
In incredibly tiny type at the bottom of the last page, the document includes the words: “By reading this brief, you agree that you are now the proud new owner of the Phoenix Coyotes.”
The brief concludes with this sentence: “Despite the many differences between our two leagues, at the very least we can all come together and agree that the Panthers suck.”
Chapter 61
An In-depth Comparison: Sidney Crosby vs. Alexander Ovechkin
It all seemed so perfect. Coming out of the lockout, the NHL found itself with two brand new stars. Despite different personalities, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin were both young and marketable. When the Capitals and Penguins both quickly developed into Stanley Cup contenders, it seemed like the league had finally found a head-to-head battle with the potential to attract a new generation of fans. What could possibly go wrong?
Everything, it now seems. Crosby's battle with concussion symptoms has been well documented, forcing him to miss most of the 2011–12 season. Meanwhile, Ovechkin often seems to have lost the spark that made him dominant. One can't-miss star now seems ordinary when he takes the ice, while the other spends most of his time in the trainer's room.
Maybe this is just a short-term detour in what will still be a long and entertaining rivalry. Or maybe we've already seen the best these two have to offer. Either way, it appears the two stars will be linked for years to come. Here's a comparison of two talented and popular young players who were once viewed as the league's future, and hopefully will be again.
Alexander Ovechkin: Has been known to get angry with his coach while on the bench and shout obscenities.
Sidney Crosby: Has been known to get angry with his coach while on the bench and shout, “I'm just going to go out there and give 110 percent!” since that's all he's programmed to ever say.
Sidney Crosby: Wears jersey #87, signifying his year of birth.
Alexander Ovechkin: Wears jersey #8, signifying the number of goals he needs to score in any given game before he won't automatically be blamed if the Capitals lose.
Alexander Ovechkin: Has been invited to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at games for the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles.
Sidney Crosby: Would probably be thrilled to do the same if Pittsburgh ever managed to get a professional baseball team.
Sidney Crosby: Has had the opportunity to hone his acting ability in commercials for brands like Reebok and Tim Hortons.
Alexander Ovechkin: Has had the opportunity to hone his acting ability every time his coach starts yelling about maybe back-checking once in a while and he has to pretend that he's listening.
Alexander Ovechkin: Has occasionally found himself in trouble with the league due to questionable hits against defenseless opponents.
Sidney Crosby: Would never check a defenseless opponent in a dangerous manner because he is classy and respects the game and Matt Cooke usually gets there first.
Sidney Crosby: May one day come to be viewed as a cautionary example who taught a generation of fans a valuable lesson about the dangers of head injuries.
Alexander Ovechkin: May one day come to be viewed as a cautionary example who taught a generation of fans a valuable lesson about the dangers of thinking it's a good idea for guys to get lower-back tattoos.
Alexander Ovechkin: Is so good at anticipating the flow of the game that he can often react to an incoming pass attempt before the puck has even left his teammate's stick.
Sidney Crosby: Is so good at anticipating the flow of the game that he can often react to an opposing player's attempted body check by falling down before he's even touched.
Sidney Crosby: Has had one fifty-goal season so far, and given his injury concerns experts admit they have no idea how many more he may have over the course of his career.
Alexander Ovechkin: Rather than cause all sorts of confusion, was apparently considerate enough to get all of his fifty-goal seasons out of the way early.
Alexander Ovechkin: Owns the hockey world's record for the most Twitter followers, with 400,000.
Sidney Crosby: Owns the hockey world's record for the most MySpace friends, with nine.
Sidney Crosby: Die-hard Pittsburgh fans will eagerly tell you that he's following in the footsteps of legendary Penguins from past generations, like Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis, and Paul Coffey.
Alexander Ovechkin: Die-hard Washington fans will eagerly tell you that he's following in the footsteps of legendary Capitals from past generations, before trailing off, furrowing their brows, and eventually changing the subject.
Alexander Ovechkin: Despite his flashy on-ice personality, is known to dress casually off the ice and rarely calls attention to himself with gaudy accessories.
Sidney Crosby: In contrast to the classy Ovechkin, has been known to walk out of the arena wearing a giant diamond-studded ring or a gold medallion around his neck.
Chapter 62
Make his Head Bleed: A History of the NHL in Pop Culture
Let's be honest: Despite a dedicated following in Canada and several American cities, even the most die-hard fan would have to admit that hockey is, for the most part, still a niche sport in most of the United States. Fans have learned to embrace the sport's status as an underdog, and to appreciate the rare opportunities to see it break through to a larger audience.
Maybe that's why we get so excited when we catch a glimpse of the NHL in popular culture. Whether it's an unexpected cameo by a well-known player, a passing mention of a team, or even just a logo flashing by in the background, hockey fans tend to remember the moments when their favorite sport shows up in a popular movie or television show.
Here are some notable examples of hockey crossing over, however briefly, into the mainstream:
1996: The movie Swingers features a scene in which a character playing a video game vows to “make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed for super-fan number 99 over here.” Because the movie involves an illegal play, blood, and Wayne Gretzky, Kerry Fraser never sees it.
2000: Brendan Shanahan makes a brief appearance playing a state trooper in the movie Me, Myself and Irene. He will later abandon plans for a post-playing career in Hollywood, explaining that he'd prefer to take on a job where there would be more critics.
1986: NHL players such as Peter Zezel and Steve Thomas make cameos in the hit movie Youngblood, an inspiring story of a young hockey player portrayed by Rob Lowe who overcomes the odds to become a superstar despite apparently never having been taught how to skate.
1987: The sitcom Cheers introduces popular character Eddie LeBec, setting a standard for the best comedy performance by a Boston Bruins goaltender that will remain unchallenged until the day Tim Thomas discovers Facebook.
1981: Wayne Gretzky appears on the soap opera The Young and the Restless. In a bit of ironic foreshadowing, he plays a character that dumps his longtime love for a richer, more exciting one from Los Angeles, but then never gets her a ring.
1994: Cam Neely makes an appearance in Dumb and Dumber, a documentary about the Vancouver Canucks scouts who thought it would be a good idea to trade him for Barry Pederson.
1997: Noted Toronto fan Mike Myers pays tribute to the Maple Leafs in the hit movie Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery by including characters named after Nikolai Borschevsky (“General Borschevsky”), Doug Gilmour (“Commander Gilmour”), and Harold Ballard (“Dr. Evil”).
1977: Minor league forward and future NHL head coach Bruce Boudreau has a few seconds of screen time in the cult classic Slap Shot, in what was originally scheduled to be
a leading role until censors forced the film's producers to cut out any scenes where he swore.
2010: The romantic comedy She's Out of My League features a scene where the main characters watch the Islanders play the Penguins before passionately embracing, in what turns out to just be a futile attempt to drown out the sound of Mario Lemieux complaining.
1995: An episode of Seinfeld features a die-hard hockey fan who paints his face in Devils colors, marking the last-known instance of NBC being aware that there are any hockey teams besides the Rangers, Flyers, and Penguins.
1987: The popular family sitcom Full House includes the lovable character Uncle Joey, a die-hard Red Wings fan who often wears the team's jersey. Producers will later consider spinning off Uncle Joey into his own Red Wings–themed show called Pretty Close to a Full House So Let's Just Ignore All Those Empty Seats Up There Even Though It's a Playoff Game.
1996: Adam Sandler's character in Happy Gilmore dons a Boston Bruins jersey before being pummeled in a fist fight by elderly game show host Bob Barker, who will admit to being confused fifteen years later when he suddenly starts getting contract offers from the Vancouver Canucks.
1997: Tomas Kaberle is fired from his role working on the re-released version of the original Star Wars after George Lucas realizes that there aren't enough special effects in the world to make him shoot first.