The Best of Down Goes Brown

by Sean McIndoe

  2012: Sean Avery appears as a guest judge on a modeling reality show called Project Runway, which is not to be confused with his appearance on the ice for any shift against a legitimate NHL heavyweight, which was called Project Run Away.

  1998: During certain broadcasts of the network television show The NHL on Fox, some viewers swear that if you look very closely in the background behind where the giant robots are fighting each other with lasers you could actually see a hockey game being played.

  Chapter 63

  When a Day with the Stanley Cup Goes Wrong

  Every hockey player dreams of getting to spend a day with the Stanley Cup. For many, it's the ultimate opportunity to share their success with their family, friends, and hometown fans.

  For others, the day can be … less successful. Take Boston Bruins forward Nathan Horton, who had planned to enjoy his 2011 day with the Cup in his hometown of Dunnville, Ontario. But the Cup missed its flight, and Horton had to appear in front of the assembled fans empty-handed.

  The Cup did eventually arrive for a shortened appearance at the event, and an embarrassed Horton apologized to the crowd. But he shouldn't have felt bad. Despite all the feel-good stories we're used to hearing during the summer, Horton was actually just the latest in a long line of NHL players to have problems with the world's most famous trophy.

  Here's a look back at some past champions who had their day with the Cup go badly:

  1999: Brett Hull is half an hour late returning the Cup in violation of the long-enforced twenty-four-hour limit, but everyone agrees to just pretend that rule doesn't exist rather than make a big deal out of it.

  2001: Whitby's Adam Foote is disappointed after spending the entire day showing off the Cup to hockey fans in nearby Toronto, only to discover that none of them recognize it.

  2007: Officials are forced to explain to a disappointed crowd in Fort McMurray that, yes, it was easily the biggest goal of his career and, yes, it will go down in the record books as the Stanley Cup winner, but no, Chris Phillips still isn't getting a day with the Cup.

  1996: The Cup leaves North America for the first time when it travels to Sweden with Peter Forsberg, then proceeds to spend the rest of the summer annoying everyone by being unable to make up its mind about whether it wants to return.

  2003: Joe Nieuwendyk brings the Cup to his alma mater at Cornell University, drawing such a huge crowd that the school is forced to cancel that day's scheduled lecture entitled “A detailed theoretical model of why anyone who becomes a general manager someday should probably trade their franchise player at the deadline if he's obviously planning to sign as a free agent with the Rangers that summer.”

  2004: Martin St. Louis's day with the Cup is ruined when he accidentally tumbles into the bowl and spends the rest of the afternoon adorably squeaking for somebody to come and lift him out.

  1995: After winning the franchise's first championship, members of the New Jersey Devils save everyone time by just going ahead and engraving “A bunch of boring guys playing the trap and making you hate hockey” into the Cup's next ten years' worth of panels.

  1994: While spending his sixth day with the Cup in the last ten years, Mark Messier realizes he's really getting tired of all these championships and resolves to sign his next free agent contract with a franchise that has no hope of ever winning one.

  2010: After several intense hours, Jonathan Toews wins the staring contest when the Cup blinks first.

  2009: As he sits alone in front of a giant cake in a balloon-filled gymnasium with a party hat tilted sadly to one side, Joe Thornton begins to realize that fans aren't really interested in helping you celebrate your day with the Presidents' Trophy.

  1991: The Cup is famously left at the bottom of Mario Lemieux's swimming pool during a players' party after nobody goes in to retrieve it, marking the only time in recent NHL history that nobody on the Pittsburgh Penguins is willing to dive.

  Chapter 64

  Breaking Down the Battles: Inside Canada's Provincial Rivalries

  The long-rumored return of the NHL to Quebec City has hockey fans thinking ahead to a rekindling of one of hockey's greatest rivalries. The Battle of Quebec between the Montreal Canadiens and Quebec Nordiques raged memorably through the 1980s, stirring up passion that went beyond mere hockey games to become a symbol for a province's political and cultural divides.

  Of course, Quebec isn't the only Canadian province to feature an intense rivalry. The Battle of Alberta was every bit as hard fought at its peak, and more recently the Battle of Ontario produced its share of dramatic moments.

  But which provincial battle burned the brightest? Let's take a closer look at all three of Canada's greatest hockey rivalries.

  Familiarity

  Battle of Alberta: The teams played each other so often that fans knew the other side's roster by heart.

  Battle of Quebec: The teams played each other so often that bench-clearing brawls would sometimes occur before the game had even begun.

  Battle of Ontario: The teams played each other so often that Bob Cole came really close to learning a few of the Senators' names.

  Playoff predictability

  Battle of Quebec: You could always expect a hard-fought series with plenty of bad blood.

  Battle of Ontario: You could always expect a close-checking series in which goaltending would be the deciding factor.

  Battle of Alberta: You could always expect the series to end with an Edmonton player scoring the winning goal.

  Star players in the spotlight

  Battle of Alberta: Wayne Gretzky would look across at the Flames and know that he was in for a difficult game.

  Battle of Ontario: Daniel Alfredsson would look across at the Maple Leafs and realize that he'd need to someday beat them in the playoffs to cement his legacy.

  Battle of Quebec: Patrick Roy would look across at the Nordiques and think, “Man, it sure would be fun to win a bunch of Stanley Cups with those guys someday.”

  Memorable overtime moment

  Battle of Quebec: Dale Hunter's overtime winner in 1982 is memorable for the momentary confusion over whether the puck had actually crossed the goal line.

  Battle of Alberta: Theo Fleury's overtime winner in 1991 is memorable for his enthusiastic rink-long celebration.

  Battle of Ontario: Cory Cross's overtime winner in 2001 is memorable for the sound of 19,000 Maple Leafs fans simultaneously mumbling, “Wait a second, Cory Cross actually scored a goal?”

  Behind the bench

  Battle of Ontario: Senators coach Jacques Martin was constantly reviewing game film in search of opportunities to improve his players' defensive positioning.

  Battle of Alberta: Oilers coach Glen Sather was constantly looking for ways to keep his star players motivated as they chased yet another championship.

  Battle of Quebec: Nordiques coach Michel Bergeron was constantly wondering why Dale Hunter kept asking him whether he had any tips on coaching overpaid Russian head cases.

  Clutch player

  Battle of Alberta: No matter how bad the situation seemed, Oilers fans never stopped believing that Mark Messier would come through when they needed him.

  Battle of Quebec: No matter how bad the situation seemed, Nordique fans never stopped believing that Michel Goulet would come through when they needed him.

  Battle of Ontario: No matter how bad the situation seemed, Maple Leafs fans never stopped believing that Patrick Lalime would come through when they needed him.

  Notable villain

  Battle of Alberta: A Dave Semenko sucker punch on Tim Hunter very nearly caused both benches to empty.

  Battle of Quebec: Louis Sleigher's sucker punch on Jean Hamel helped to touch off a brawl that actually did cause both benches to empty.

  Battle of Ontario: Darcy Tucker was a classy player who felt so strongly about making sure the benches didn't empty that he would set a positive example by occasionally randomly leaping into one.

  Red Wings connection

&n
bsp; Battle of Ontario: Toronto's Curtis Joseph went on to become a popular player in Detroit when he chose to sign there as a free agent.

  Battle of Alberta: Calgary's Mike Vernon went on to become a popular player in Detroit when he helped them win their first Stanley Cup in over forty years.

  Battle of Quebec: Montreal's Claude Lemieux went on to become a popular player in Detroit, we assume, since every time he played there the Red Wings players would line up in the parking lot to personally greet him.

  Superstars switching sides

  Battle of Quebec: Canadiens' legend Guy Lafleur finished his career with a brief stint with the Nordiques.

  Battle of Alberta: Oilers' legend Grant Fuhr finished his career with a brief stint with the Flames.

  Battle of Ontario: Maple Leafs' legend Mats Sundin did not finish his career with a brief stint with the Senators, yet. Although the idea only occurred to him a few years ago, so let's all give him some time to make up his mind.

  Potential return of the post-season rivalry

  Battle of Quebec: An existing franchise moving to Quebec City could set the table for the province's first post-season battle in twenty years.

  Battle of Ontario: With both teams rebuilding and featuring talented young rosters, a return of their post-season rivalry seems inevitable.

  Battle of Alberta: Uh … any chance we could interest you in a pre-season rivalry?

  Chapter 65

  Welcome to the Doghouse: A History of Coach vs. Player Feuds

  There are two things that every NHL team needs if it's going to contend for a championship: a superstar player, and a great coach. Of course, it also helps if that coach and that player get along.

  That didn't seem to be the case in Washington during the 2011–12 season. After Bruce Boudreau benched him during a crucial shift late in the game, Alexander Ovechkin appeared to react to the news by barking some well-chosen obscenities in the coach's direction. While the two later made an effort to seem like they were on the same page, that didn't stop fans and the media from speculating about a rift that may have helped lead to Boudreau's eventual firing and the Capitals' disappointing regular season.

  An overreaction? Probably, because this sort of thing actually happens all the time. The NHL has a long history of disagreements between superstar players and their coaches, and many of them were far more serious than a few expletives uttered in the heat of the moment.

  Here's a look back at ten other notable star vs. coach feuds in NHL history:

  November 2003: An enraged Scott Stevens accuses Devils' coach Pat Burns of not being a first ballot hall-of-famer, before later apologizing and admitting that could only happen in a world where the selection committee was made up entirely of idiots.

  February 1978: Bruins' defenseman Brad Park finds himself in the doghouse after coach Don Cherry realizes his name is completely impossible to mispronounce.

  December 2008: Team captain Daniel Alfredsson requests a one-hour meeting with the head coach to discuss his declining ice time, but eventually gets tired of having to start over again every fifteen minutes whenever Bryan Murray hires someone new.

  February 2001: Vincent Lecavalier is momentarily confused by the sight of a red-faced John Tortorella gesturing furiously while screaming obscenities at him, before veteran teammates reassure him it's just how the coach says good morning.

  March 1998: Canucks coach Mike Keenan calls captain Mark Messier into his office to explain that, while the league's policy on gambling may be open to interpretation, he still needs to stop constantly trying to bet his teammates that they can't eat just one.

  October 2010: The Islanders' attempts to send a message to the rest of the team by scratching their highest-paid player prove fruitless when they are unable to figure out how to bench Alexei Yashin's buyout.

  April 1987: A concerned Jari Kurri tells Oilers coach Glen Sather that while he agrees the team's unquestioned dominance does result in them occasionally becoming complacent, he's still not sold on this whole “let's occasionally score into our own net just to make it more challenging” plan.

  March 2006: A confused Mike Babcock begins to wonder why Brendan Shanahan won't accept anything he says unless it's accompanied by an awkward videotaped explanation.

  January 2009: After an obscenity-filled exchange ends with head coach Wayne Gretzky suggesting he go meet with the new assistant, Shane Doan thinks about how much he appreciates being able to air his grievances and makes a mental note to apologize for his harsh tone. He then briefly wonders why the new assistant coach looks so much like Dave Semenko holding a crowbar.

  January 1996: In an effort to get him to take on more of a leadership role, Bruins head coach Steve Kasper humiliates Cam Neely by benching him during a nationally televised game. To his credit, Neely responds positively the very next day by delivering a moving eulogy at the funeral of Steve Kasper.

  January 2006: Penguins coach Michel Therrien grows frustrated when star player Mario Lemieux repeatedly responds to criticism by saying, “Hey, good point. Maybe you should call up the owner and let him know.”

  March 1993: Pat Burns shows that he doesn't play favorites when he briefly removes a slumping Doug Gilmour from the team's first line, although Gilmour does remain on the second, third, and fourth lines, both power play units, and the penalty kill.

  July 1995: In an effort to send a message to the rest of the team, you briefly demote Jeremy Roenick from the first line during a game of NHL 95 even though it makes your big brother punch you in the shoulder and call you a spaz.

  January 1994: After Pavel Bure complains yet again about a lack of chemistry with center Cliff Ronning, a frustrated Pat Quinn vows that if he ever coaches another European franchise player, he just won't ever bother giving him any good linemates at all.

  Chapter 66

  Know your Sports: The NHL vs. UFC

  Mixed martial arts is one of the fastest-growing sports in the world. The top fighters are becoming international celebrities, TV ratings are high, and pay-per-view events bring in millions of dollars. And these days, many hockey fans are already watching popular MMA promotions such as the UFC.

  But others may not be sure what all the hype is about. If you fall into the latter category, here's a hockey fan's guide to how the UFC stacks up with the NHL:

  UFC: A fighter signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by “tapping out.”

  NHL: A player signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by signing a contract extension with the Edmonton Oilers.

  UFC: A hyper-extended elbow with a broken arm can be the result of a competitor not tapping out quickly after the successful application of an armbar.

  NHL: A hyper-extended elbow with a broken arm is an acceptable reason to miss one or two shifts during the playoffs while the trainer tapes it up.

  UFC: “The World's Most Dangerous Man” was the nickname of UFC hall-of-famer Ken Shamrock.

  NHL: “The World's Most Dangerous Man” is what Flyers fans call whoever is starting in net for that night's playoff game.

  UFC: There is a common misconception that the sport is a vicious free-for-all where anything goes no matter how brutal, when in fact it is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.

  NHL: There is a common misconception that the sport is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.

  UFC: Ground and pound is a fighting style that aims to take an opponent to the mat and then employ a striking attack from a dominant position.

  NHL: Ground and pound is Bruce Boudreau's answer to the question “What is your favorite type of beef, and how much of it have you smuggled into the arena tonight in your pockets?”

  UFC: If a match does not end in regulation time, it goes to the judges' decision; in especially even and hard-fought contests, the fight can be declared a draw.

  NHL: The league knows that real sports fans don't enjoy ties, and fans would be much happier if the UFC moved to d
eciding matches with a rock-paper-scissors contest.

  UFC: The action takes place inside a caged structure called an octagon, which many critics have called the most dangerous structure in all of sports.

  NHL: The action takes place inside a rink, which has been carefully designed to ensure the safety of all—oh good God look out for that stanchion!

  UFC: If a girl in a bikini holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that the first round of a fight is about to begin.

  NHL: If a guy in a Bruins jersey holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that his glove got stuck, he says.

  UFC: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: “Let's get it on!”

  NHL: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: “Hello, I'm Patrick Kaleta.”

  UFC: Fans are encouraged to watch The Ultimate Fighter, a made-for-TV production that is occasionally entertaining despite the results holding little actual importance.