The Best of Down Goes Brown

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The Best of Down Goes Brown Page 18

by Sean McIndoe


  NHL: Same concept, but they call it “the regular season.”

  UFC: Canadian star Georges St-Pierre employs a methodical style that is highly effective but is often criticized for not producing exciting or dramatic moments.

  NHL: Georges St-Pierre has been offered the head coaching job in New Jersey.

  UFC: Popular commentator Joe Rogan is also one of his country's best-known stand-up comedians.

  NHL: Popular commentator Don Cherry is also one of his country's best-known stand-up comedians, although he doesn't seem to realize it.

  UFC: A “choke” is a legal manoeuvre in which a competitor cuts off his opponent's air supply in order to secure a quick submission.

  NHL: Insert your own Vancouver Canucks joke here.

  Chapter 67

  A Hockey Fan's Guide to Modern TV Technology

  Televised hockey has seen some big changes in technology over the past few years. The days of struggling to find the puck on a tiny screen are over, now that most games are broadcast in high-definition, and some networks have even experimented with broadcasting games in 3D.

  That's all great news if you have a state-of-the-art television. But plenty of hockey fans don't. And in fact, some are still watching the game on old-fashioned sets without any of the bells and whistles that so many others now take for granted.

  My guess is that many of those late adopters are at least considering an upgrade to a more modern system. And if you're one of them, I'm here to help with this handy guide to get a hockey fan up and running with the latest television technology.

  Getting started

  First step: Go buy an expensive television and home entertainment system, bring it home, and hook it up. Go ahead, I'll wait here.

  Are you back? Great. Let's make sure you're ready for some hockey. First, press the power button on one of the seven remote controls you now own. No, not that one. The one that's kind of grayish. No, the other one that's kind of grayish. You know what? Just hit the power buttons on all of them. Good, we're ready to get started.

  High-definition television

  To hook up your high-def TV, follow these steps:

  1. First, tune your television to your favorite sports channel so you can see what the broadcasters look like in standard definition.

  2. Next, locate the HDMI cable and plug it into the back of your TV.

  3. Now check the screen and see what the broadcasters look like in high-definition.

  4. Finally, yank the HDMI cable out of the television and throw it out the window before collapsing on the ground, clawing at your eyes in horror.

  Watching television in 3D

  If you've purchased a 3D set, put on your special glasses and wait for something to be projected directly towards the screen. If you're watching a made-for-3D movie, this will happen every few seconds. If you're watching anything else, this will happen never.

  Helpful hint: When watching hockey in 3D, it's probably a good idea to look away from the screen any time James Wisniewski starts getting angry.

  Stereo sound

  Your new entertainment system will feature stereo sound that delivers a much richer experience. Set up the various speakers in strategic locations around the room, and soon you'll be enjoying the sound of your friends telling you that you didn't put them in the right place.

  You'll also be able to hear enhanced audio during hockey games, such as hits rattling off the glass, players calling for passes, and enhanced crowd noise. (Please note: Crowd noise not available for games broadcast from the Air Canada Centre.)

  The personal video recorder

  A personal video recorder (or PVR) is a device that allows you to pause, record, fast-forward, and rewind live television. While it can be used for any type of programing, it's especially useful for sports fans who want to record games to watch later.

  Your system will come with a handy on-screen guide that will make the process easy. Scroll through the menu to find the game you want to record. Notice that the guide is helpfully set to record the game from 7:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., which is fine since nobody really wants to see the end of the third period anyway.

  When it's time to watch the game you've recorded, you can fast-forward until you see something interesting happening. Then you can fast-forward past that while you try to remember where the rewind button is. Then you can rewind too far and miss it again. Then you can accidentally press the “live” button, skip directly to the end of the game, see the final score, and throw your remote control out the window. Don't worry; you still have six more.

  Helpful hint: Remember to feel slightly guilty about fast-forwarding through the national anthem.

  The Blu-ray player

  A Blu-ray player is a device that allows Edmonton Oilers fans to watch movies during the playoffs.

  Troubleshooting

  Still having problems? Try some of these fixes to common issues:

  Problem: I recorded my favorite team's game and decided to watch all their goals, fights and big hits, but I ended up just fast-forwarding and fast-forwarding until the game was over.

  Solution: Stop cheering for the New York Islanders.

  Problem: My TV is stuck on an image of Sidney Crosby, and the Penguins aren't even playing in this game.

  Solution: You have accidentally switched over to an NBC broadcast.

  Problem: I'm pressing my remote control's mute button, but the announcer just keeps getting louder.

  Solution: You are attempting to mute Pierre McGuire. Nobody can mute Pierre McGuire.

  Problem: The picture starts out sharp and clear for the opening face-off, but becomes increasingly blurry as the game goes on until it is almost impossible to tell what's happening.

  Solution: You are a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Try not to drink so much during the game.

  Chapter 68

  Behind the Scenes at the Matt Cooke Suspension Hearing

  Start a conversation with a hockey fan about the game's most hated players, and it won't take long before Matt Cooke's name comes up. The controversial Penguins winger has racked up a long list of suspensions and controversies, and is often cited as the poster child for everything that's wrong with the NHL.

  Is that fair? Not entirely. After all, Cooke actually cleaned up his act for much of the 2011–12 season. But that was only after he'd appeared to run out of chances. His elbow to the head of Ryan McDonagh near the end of the 2010–11 season was so flagrant that even Pittsburgh owner Mario Lemieux spoke out against it, and the league handed out an uncharacteristically lengthy suspension.

  What was it about Cooke that had even Colin Campbell, often criticized for being too lenient, ready to lower the boom? A transcript of Cooke's suspension hearing offers some clues.

  Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with “Department of Supplemental Discipline” written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy, and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

  Colin Campbell: Hi, Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

  Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the “Reserved for Matt Cooke” space.

  Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenseless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

  Cooke: Um … it was an accident?

  Campbell: An accident.

  Cooke (hesitates): Yes?

  A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

  Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

  Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

  Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

  Campbell and Murphy stop in the door
way.

  Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

  Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

  Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning … Mario, do you have anything to say?

  Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

  Campbell: Yes.

  Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So … you know … don't suspend him, I guess.

  Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

  Lemieux: I need to leave now.

  Lemieux bolts out the door.

  Campbell: Thanks, Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be … Hmm, what does it say on my sheet here? “A world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named … Dr. Wario Mellieux.”

  A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

  Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

  Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

  Cooke: Dude …

  Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

  They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

  Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

  Campbell: Uh … no.

  Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading “Hockey's biggest cheap-shot artist facing suspension yet again”): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

  Campbell: No problem, Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

  Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes-Benz with the MARIO66 vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

  Mellieux: Son of a …

  Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and—

  Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

  Bettman: Matt?

  Cooke: Oops. My bad. Sorry, everyone. Force of habit.

  Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

  Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

  Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

  Bettman: Never mind that. Look, Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

  Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and, yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

  Campbell: Exactly. I recently went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all.

  Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

  Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

  Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did a few games ago against Montreal?

  The room immediately goes silent.

  Cooke: Uh … I mean …

  Everyone is too horrified to speak.

  Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

  Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh … Uh …

  Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room, please.

  Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

  Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

  An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cooke's dazed body.

  Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

  Chapter 69

  A Complete Transcript of Every Post-Game Call-In Show Ever Broadcast

  Host: Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's broadcast of every post-game call-in show ever. I'm your host, the lowest-ranking employee of this station. I will now read the phone number too quickly for anyone to write down because I'm hoping against hope that we have no callers tonight. Let's go to the phones!

  Caller #1: Yes, hi. I have an opinion on the game I just listened to that will make it abundantly clear that I lack even a basic understanding of hockey.

  Host: I will attempt to politely correct your misconceptions while letting the tone of my voice imply that you are a simpleton.

  Caller #1: This is a counterpoint that is based on a strategy I once used in NHL 94.

  Host: I will now hang up on you but pretend it was your cell phone malfunctioning. Next caller?

  Caller #2: I'd like to waste airtime by informing you of how long I've been a listener.

  Host: I am sounding mildly annoyed while I say thanks and urge you to go ahead.

  Caller #2: This is a generic observation about tonight's game, which is technically accurate but so breathtakingly obvious as to be completely worthless.

  Host: I am sitting with my eyes closed and quietly rubbing my temples while I throw to the next caller.

  Caller #3: The previous caller made the exact same point I wanted to make, but I will repeat it instead of just hanging up, because I like the sound of my own voice.

  Host: Duly noted. Next caller, hello?

  Caller #4: I am confused because I'm trying to listen to myself on the radio while I talk to you.

  Host: Have you not listened to a call-in program in the last thirty years, caller?

  Caller #4 (echoing faintly): WHAT IS HAPPENING?

  Host: Well, at least this can't get any worse. Next caller?

  Caller #5: I have a trade proposal.

  Host: Oh dear lord.

  Caller #5: Here is my completely ridiculous proposal, which involves acquiring a superstar player from another team in exchange for several terrible players and, to make it fair, a fourth-round pick.

  Host: I am unscrewing the top on a bottle of Jack Daniel's while awaiting your explanation of why any team would want to trade a superstar for a collection of players that fans in this city have concluded are terrible.

  Caller #5: I am basing my proposal on the assumption that the other team will be unaware of this, as they do not employ any scouts or have access to a television.

  Host: I am trying but failing to disguise the disgust in my voice as I throw to the next caller.

  Caller #6: I am reading this overly scripted call from a piece of paper while trying very hard to sound like Jim Rome.

  Host: I am regretting every vocational decision I have ever made.

  Caller #6: Failed attempt to introduce my own catchphrase.

  Host: Next caller.

  Caller #7: I have a surprisingly rational and well-reasoned point to make that is critical of senior members of the team's front office.

  Host: I am afraid to say anything because we are the official radio rights holder and cannot criticize the team in any meaningful way.

  Caller #7: Continued cogent argument.

  Host: Cell phone malfunction!

  Caller #7: (dial tone)

  Host: I see that it's now time for my producer to awkwardly get his nightly seven seconds of airtime for no reason.

  Producer: My voice is disturbingly squeaky.

  Host: Back to the callers!

  Caller #8: I would like to explain an elaborate league-wide conspiracy theory, based on one icing call that went against my team in the first period.

  Host: I will allow you to continue talking because I am furiously upda
ting my résumé.

  Caller #8: I will continue explaining the vast officiating conspiracy against my team while ignoring the fact that our best player broke his stick over the referee's head without receiving a penalty in both the second and third periods.

  Host: I will now try to fit in one last caller even though we are seven seconds away from having to go to a break.

 

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