by Sean McIndoe
Caller #9: Why are you playing music over top of …
Host: Sorry, caller, we need to go. Stay tuned for a sports update that will tell you the score of a game we just spent twenty minutes talking about, followed by three dozen used car commercials, followed by me crying silently into the microphone until morning.
Chapter 70
Dear Son, Welcome to Life as a Toronto Maple Leafs Fan
In the summer of 2010, my wife and I welcomed our first son into the world. Like any proud father, I didn't want to waste any time teaching him the important values that I hope he'll carry with him throughout his life. So as soon as he was old enough, I sat him down for a very important discussion.
Hey, little guy. Wakey wakey. Daddy wants to share something very important with you.
Do you see this friendly-looking blue thing right here? That's a Toronto Maple Leafs logo. It probably looks familiar, since there's at least one on every item of clothing you own right now. And that's because you're going to be a Maple Leafs fan, just like your dad.
I want to tell you all about the Leafs. I want to teach you about Dave Keon and Borje Salming and Mats Sundin and Teeder Kennedy. So let's look through Daddy's old scrapbook together, and I'll tell you all about them.
Look, here's a picture of George Armstrong. He was called “Chief.” He's scoring the clinching goal into an empty net to beat the Montreal Canadiens. Look how happy everyone looks! Do you see all the people cheering? They're happy because they just saw the Leafs win their most recent Stanley Cup.
What's that? No. No, there aren't any pictures of this that are in color.
Because they didn't have color photography back in 1967, that's why. Well I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Look, if you want to see them in color so badly, go ask your sister if you can borrow her crayons.
Hey, come on now, little buddy, stop crying.
It's not like Leafs fans haven't had anything to cheer about since then. Let me tell you about 1993. That's the year that the Leafs went on a magical run and almost made the Stanley Cup final. They had Dougie Gilmour's spinorama and Felix Potvin's brilliance and Wendel Clark punched out Marty McSorley's eyeball. It was probably the greatest stretch of hockey I've ever seen.
Yes, that's right, 1993.
Well of course that seems like a long time ago to you, you're a baby. Right, OK, I guess that was almost twenty years ago, sure. Nice math skills, Archimedes, do you have a point?
I said stop crying!
Look, I never said being a Leafs fan was going to be easy, OK? But I'm not raising you to be some sort of front-running bandwagon jumper who elbows his way to the head of the line when the team is winning and then bails out as soon as times get tough. The world already has too many Senators fans.
No, you're going to stick this out until the bitter end, and here's why: It will be worth it some day.
If you don't believe me, ask a Chicago Blackhawks fan. They hadn't won a Stanley Cup since 1961, but then that all changed. For a few years they finished in last place just like the Leafs, but now they have a roster full of young stars that they drafted and their team is …
What? No. No, the Leafs can't just go out and do that too. Because they don't have any draft picks, that's why. Because they gave them all to another team, OK? I don't know, because it seemed like a good idea at the time!
No, Daddy is not crying. Hey, isn't there an episode of The Backyardigans you should be watching?
Look, kid. I know it seems hopeless. I know it even seems a little bit cruel to raise you as a Leafs fan. I know that whenever you see Daddy thinking about the Leafs he's making angry faces and muttering mean words and drinking from one of his special grown-up bottles.
But here's the thing, son: Someday, the Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup. It won't happen this year, or the next, or even the one after that. But it will happen one day. And when that day arrives, all the near misses and the lost seasons and the jokes and the blown calls and the sleepless nights will just make it all that much sweeter.
When that moment comes, someday a very long time from now, you're going to appreciate it in a way that only a true fan can. Because you'll have earned it.
That's why you're going to be a Leafs fan, son, whether you like it or not. But if those nice folks from Children Services ask, you chose this of your own free will, OK?
Now let's go get you changed. I think somebody made a Toskala in his diaper.
Praise for The Best of Down Goes Brown
“If you like hockey, and you like laughing, and you don't like the writing of Sean McIndoe—or Down Goes Brown, as he refers to himself in the third person in airports and at weddings, for whatever reason—then I'm afraid you're really doing the math all wrong.”
—Bruce Arthur, National Post
“DGB is the funniest hockey writer going—except for those times he makes fun of my brother. Then it's not funny. Okay, it's still funny.”
—Sean Pronger, former NHL player, www.jrnymnwear.com
“There are a million guys trying to be funny, there are a million websites talking hockey, but Down Goes Brown does both without insulting the intelligence of the fan. That sounds easy enough; it's not. If it was, you'd have two million places to get it. Down Goes Brown is one of a select few who have been able to pull it off with both style and substance.”
—Tim Micallef, Sportsnet
“The NHL isn't always known for its wonderful sense of humour. Hockey at the highest level is very serious business, and the quest for the Stanley Cup is no time for fun and games. That's where Sean McIndoe comes in. He always makes sure we don't take the National Hockey League, and ourselves for that matter, too seriously.”
—Jim Lang, The Fan 590
“Down Goes Brown has a deft way of making fun of everyone in hockey, without actually offending anyone (most of the time). Whenever I am on the warpath about something, ready to blow, I read DGB, laugh, and calm right down. In the hockey world, he's one of a kind.”
—Allan Walsh, Player Agent, Octagon Hockey
“In my opinion you would have to be sick in the head to be a Leafs fan—or at least have a sick sense of humour. I don't know about the former when it comes to Sean McIndoe, but he certainly has the latter part down pat. Down Goes Brown is one of the best hockey blogs out there when it comes to being what a blog should be—funny, irreverent, sometimes factual, and always a blast to read.”
—Dan Murphy, Sportsnet
“Down Goes Brown is the best hockey humour writer in North America—and it's not even close. His jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh—even if your team happens to be the punch line.”
—Ian Mendes, Sportsnet
Copyright
The Best of Down Goes Brown: Greatest Hits and Brand New Classics-To-Be From Hockey’s Most Hilarious Blog
Copyright © 2012 by Sean McIndoe
Some content included in this book is copyright ©National Post, a division of Postmedia Network Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduced with permission.
Published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
Originally published by John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd. in both print and EPub editions: 2012
First published by Collins, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, in this EPub edition: 2014
First HarperCollins Publishers Ltd EPub Edition JANUARY 2014 ISBN: 9781443429603
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