by Neil Forsyth
Timmy
----------------
From: Michael Wong
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: No Timmy
Timmy DO NOT come out to Malaysia. In fact i am going on holiday now for six months so will not be here anyway. Your dad is strange in the mind timmy i suggest you tell the police or local courts. I am going on holiday now with my family so cannot talk to you any more. And i do not think you should go on this boat anywhere at all because it does not look strong enough for sea.
Good bye and only good luck for you timmy to deal with that man Bob your father because he is not right.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Michael Wong
Subject: (no subject)
----------------
NO REPLY
30 The suggestion that pop legend Cliff Richard has, at any point, defecated in the umpire’s chair at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships is absolutely outrageous. Richard (71) is a lifelong tennis fan and a great supporter of the famous sporting event. In 1996, when rain stopped play, Richard memorably thrilled soaked fans with an impromptu medley of his greatest hits. The fans, who had been despondent due to the inclement weather, reacted with undisguised glee and were soon singing along to the better-known sections of the medley. The idea that Richard would risk his deep reserve of goodwill from the British tennis public, who have gone through so much already, by depositing his elderly human waste in the umpire’s chair (a feat of unlikely acrobaticism as well as moral bankruptcy) does not merit any more discussion.
31 See The Dundee Courier, 29 April 2011, p.1: ‘Brave Dundonians Enjoy Bonus Public Holiday with Breathtaking Dignity’, and p.26: ‘Balding Englishman Weds’.
32 Not true. The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never killed a hairdresser. He did, however, murder a newsagent in 1985. See Your Headlines Tonight: The Sir Trevor McDonald Story p.163 (‘Time seemed to stand still. I reached for a Curly Wurly and used it to slap him hard across the face. He said “You’re Sir Trevor McDonald, why are you doing this?” and I answered in a strange, almost girlish voice, “Naughty Trevor’s broken all his toys.” I swept round the counter like a leopard and garrotted him with my bare hands. Afterwards I felt sick. I called Moira Stewart who told her husband that she was doing a charity lunch for Barnardo’s and drove straight round in her Ford Capri. We buried the newsagent in a shallow grave near Dorking. I remember as I shovelled the last of the soil into place Moira joked, “And that’s all from us!” It was a quip that was worth its weight in gold at what was a challenging time for me.’)
33 See the Advertisements Section of The Dundee Courier, 27 April 2011. ‘Why Should He Get All the Fun?! Celebrate Your Son’s First Skirt with Our Battered Sausage Family Platter.’
34 This isn’t Bob’s house. In fact, it’s the Glasgow home of Belle and Sebastian drummer Richard ‘Rico’ Colburn. This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd.
35 For Bob the phrase ‘a bit Spielberg’ denotes either a major surprise or, illogically, having an upset stomach. As in ‘Stewpot’s not been washing his hands, I had one of his sandwiches and I’m feeling a bit Spielberg’.
12
Bob the Poet
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Good Day to You
Dear Sir,
Greetings to you and your family. I am an accountant and I am only doing this business with you in confident hoping that nobody will betray each other at the end of this transaction, let me reassure you that there is no risk practically involved in this, all i want you to do is to stand claim as the original depositor of some funds I am the boss off.
Funds generated after the annual account i placed it in what we call (ESCROW) call account, in brief escrow call account is an account without a beneficiary. All i want from you is to apply to my head office demanding them to close your account and transfer your funds into your designated bank in your country or your business area as the case maybe it is a bank to bank transfer.
After our success i would like you to introduce me into a lucrative business. Please, don’t mention my name to my head office or to anybody for the sake of my life, job and for them not to raise eyebrows on the fund. God bless and best regards to your family
Mr. Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: RE: Good Day To You
Hello there,
I am very interested though I should warn you that I am a top-level poet and speak almost entirely in poetry.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Good Day To You
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your acceptance to work with me. In fact to tell you the truth, i am so delighted about your message to me may the good Lord in his infinite mercy enlarge your health for good this season Amen. i have already paid for the transfer charges before i contacted you. If you can go through my message again you will understand my plight and why i contacted you, i explained myself and i left with you my private number for oral conversation
Please do not mention my name to my head office for the sake of my job. i believe this is my life time opportunity and i don’t want to miss this life time opportunity, i have full trust in you and pray that the good lord who brought us together will perfect his wish to us. it will only take us three working days to have this fund transferred depending on our seriousness over this issue.
Please rewrite and send the application to me or call me direct.
Thanks once more and remain blessed.
Best regards,
Mr. Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Trust
Trust
It is important to have pals that you trust
This is really a ‘must’
Mr Brook says he’ll make me money
But is he just being funny?
I hope he’s a man I can trust
And that he likes to eat mustard.
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Trust
Dear sir,
Thank you for your message. Now i understand your really point and i am happy to have you as my friend and my business partner. sir, my main problem now is to recover my fund from the bank were i deposited it as an escrow account so call the number or fill in the application and send it back
Please sir, i really appreciate your understanding on this matter. please i will like it so much if you will assit me to recover this fund and i promise you that you never regret knowing someone like me. Thank you and May God Bless you. I will be looking for your response.
Best Regards,
Mr. Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Mr Brook
Mr Brook
Mr Brook is very naughty
Someone needs to spank his botty
I sent a poem just for his eyes
But he didn’t say ‘thanks guys!’
Why are you being like that?
Do you eat battery
farmed chickens?
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I like the poems
Dear sir,
Please dont misunderstanding me, i really appreciate your poems, they are very nice one, i really appreciate everything you are doing about the poem. I have read them again and they are good and yes I like mustard and chicken also even together! i myself like poem so much when i was a kid, my grandmother use to tell us a poem story concerning tortoise and how intelligent it is.
&n
bsp; Please sir, don’t get angry at me ok, i really appreciate your poem so that is why i told you that it will really help us if we get this fund so that your poem company will be a large one. Please try to understand my own feelings and help me out to recover this fund.
Thank you and May God Bless you.
Await your response.
Regards,
Mr. Brook Tafawa.
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: You’ve Inspired Me
The Clever Tortoise
a play by Bob Servant
SCENE ONE
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Wonderful
Bob,
I do not know what to say that is one of most amazing things i have seen in my time. It would be a fantastic success on a play or on the television. bob you have a great talent one that does not come often to people and this is why you deserve to take this money from my ESCROW account now. send the form and i am telling everyone here about your talent so you will get very famous now for sure.
Sir, thank you again for understanding my feelings, so right now i will like you to filled the application form first and get back to me so that we will proceed from there to get the fund from the bank. i will like us to share the fund 50/50 so please kindly let know what you think.
Mr Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: 50/50
50/50
Mr Brook says it’s 50/50
He is being a little thrifty
I should get a little more
Because I am doing the hardest chore
Mr Brook makes me glad to be alive
Shall we say 55/45?
I’m going to turn my telly off
Because the newsreader looks like Dino Zoff36
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Good poem again
Dear sir,
Thank you again. sir, no problem i have accepted the 55/45 split. i will take 45% and you will take 55%. Please sir, let us proceed on this transaction, it will only take 72 hours and our fund will be in your bank account depending on our seriousness. Sir, i have attached the application form again, please kindly fill the application form and get back to me. Thank you and May God bless you.
I will be looking forward to received the filled application form from you.
Best Regards,
Mr. Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Friends
Friends
Mr Brook is now my friend
He does not drive me round the bend
I think we will do business now
I will wait for him to tell me how
The only thing I still chase
Is the chance to see his face?
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Photo
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your understanding. Sir, you must win an award on poem because i can see that you are very special poem writer and I appreciate you to be my good friend and business partner. Sir, i promise you that i will make sure you go to the highest level on your poem as soon as we have our fund in your bank account, i will suppose your poem writer to the biggest level in life.
I am not sure if you are properly reading my mails bob read them again and see the instruction. For meantime yes of course here is a photo me me working hard in the office with my boss for my clients and for you bob.
Await your swift respond.
Best Regards,
Mr Brook Tafawa
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Ankles
Ankles
Mr Brook has done the deal
Now we know that this is real
The only thing that still rankles
Is that I have not seen his ankles
‘Oh but I have not seen those of you’
But Mr Brook you have too!
Here they are all in all their glory
Are they looking hunky-dory?
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Enough of poems now
Bob i like your poetry but please just stop it for now and talk proper then go back to poetry yes this is fine not problem but for a while talk properly plese
I will not send photo of ankles i do not think this is needed
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Shy?
Shy
Mr Brook is very shy
He will not say the reason why
Has his ankle got a tattoo
Of a woman he once knew?
Or is there an awful rash?
Or has he sold his ankles for fast cash?
I like it when a plane takes off
The engine sounds like Dino Zoff.
----------------
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not point
I will not send you any photos and not of this because what is the point? I think you are making fun if that is right then you wasted all this time of mine for no reward and you should be ashamed
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: Angry
Angry
Mr Brook is really mad
Now he thinks that I am bad
I don’t think I’ll see him again
He is no longer my good friend
I wish him luck and hold him dear
In his online criminal career.
----------------
NO REPLY
36 Zoff, Dino (1942–) Italian former goalkeeper and national team manager. Bob supplied me once with a batch of his poems. I would say around a third ended with some variation on this theme, i.e ‘I told the bus driver I had to get off, because we’d just driven past Dino Zoff’ and ‘I took my jumper off, because I’d sold it to Dino Zoff’. When I asked Bob about this apparent fixation he said that ‘Every poet has a gimmick and Dino Zoff is mine.’ As is often the case with Bob, there was not a single worthwhile reason for me to continue the conversation.
13
The Church of Broughty Ferry
From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Good Day
Dear Sir,
Good day to you. I got your letter forwarded to me, which you received from my in law Dr Bakayoko Ahmed who is currently at Spain on a business trip. I hope you are the rightful person because Dr Bakayoko Ahmed, informed me concerning you and the $1,5m. OK I need your full names and contact address with your telephone number. I shall then arrange payment of the money $1,5m to you. Try and get back to me with this information as quick as possible. I am still in the offi ce.
Regards,
Mr James Joseph
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Can’t Place Him...
Hi James,
Thanks for getting in touch but I’m afraid I just can’t place Dr Bakayoko Ahmed and I’m pretty sure I’d remember a name like that. I live in Broughty Ferry, Dundee and round here it’s all Mikes, Shuggys and Engelberts.37 Sorry I couldn’t be of more help,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes you know him
Dear Mr Bob Servant,
Bob I have checked over this with Dr Bakayoko Ahmed and he has confirmed that i
t is you who he wanted to receive this money. It is possible you met him a long time ago but do not worry about this the most important is to arrange transit of this money to you so please provide the data. Bob please don’t miss this money because of one thing or the other because I know nothing good comes so easily your miracles has come!
I wait for your reply.
Regards
Mr James Joseph
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Fair enough
James,
Right, well that’s fine then. I am 64 years old and have lived a life like you wouldn’t believe, James, so there’s no doubt I could have bumped into Dr Bakayoko and forgotten about it. I probably had a chat with him in Safeways or bought a toaster off him through the small ads. I’m just glad I made enough of an impression on the big man for him to think of me for this windfall. I feel like that wee boy when Willie Wonka made him put on gold underpants and go with him to the disco.38
Sorry to hear about your leg by the way.
Bob
----------------
From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: No leg problem
Bob,
What is this about my leg? There is no problem with my leg at all Bob. Thank you very much for your mail. I hope you are interested to receive your fund if your answer is yes then lets us do everything this week so that you can receive your fund this week because time waits for no body.
Regards,
Mr James Joseph
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: A quick check?
James,
A friend who shall remain nameless (my neighbour Frank) told me you were having terrible problems with your left leg. Can you give it a quick check? Would be good to put this one to bed.
Yours,
Bob
----------------
From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Back to the business please
Bob,
Of course i would know any problem with my own leg and no there is none your firend has this all wrong. let us talk business now?
James
----------------
From: Bob Servant