by Neil Forsyth
To: James Joseph
Subject: I am so sorry
James,
My deepest apologies. I don’t know what got into Frank’s mind. I am mortified about this blunder and I can only hold up my hands and apologise. I just hope that you can forgive me and follow the ‘British Way’ when it comes to forgiving mistakes. I remember, for example, when Prince Charles admitted to having sex with a cactus.39 It was a case of holding his hands up, saying, ‘boys will be boys’ and everyone moving on. That’s the British Way, James. People make mistakes so please just let it go and don’t be a nob about it.
Yours for Blighty,
Bob
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: No problem Bob
Sir,
I will not hold mistake against you becuse it is your friend Frank who got it wrong and you were just gving right concern about it all. Now this is not what is important to us Mr bob let us work on in good faith now after this soon as you let me know how you want to receeve your fund I promise you in the next ten working days everything is then concluded OK.
Your friend
James
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Start the bus
OK pal let’s cook this goose. It would be good to know a wee bit more about each other though. I’ll start. I live here in Dundee as I said. I made a pile in the windowcleaning and cheeseburger van games and now spend my time heading out and about and checking my respect levels in Broughty Ferry’s boozers. Please tell me a bit about yourself. Lift the veil off your face, James, let me see those peepers and that wonderful nose that I have heard so much about.
That last bit was all metaphors by the way.
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My information
Dear Mr Bob Servant,
Thank you for telling me of your life and yes I will tell you of mine. Mr. Bob, I am 60 years older man and a pastor in redeem Christian church of God Nigeria I have been a pastor for more than 25 years since my life I have been working for God and my wife is also a pastor assisting me I have never traveled out of Nigeria before but I believe one day I wilt travel may be to visit you in your country.
Now about the transaction you have to tell me the way you want to receive the fund the bank has three options.
{1}BANK TO BANK WIRE TRANSFER
{2}THROUGH INTERNATIONAL BANK DRAFT.
{3}THROUGH INTERNATIONAL DEBIT CARD {ATM}
If you let me know any of this option I will let the bank know and within 10 working days the transaction will be concluded and you will have your money with you. Let me hear from you.
Regards
Mr James Joseph
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: You’re in the God mob?
James,
You have no idea how happy you have made me by telling me that you are a pastor. James, ignore that stuff I said about boozers I just thought you were a boozer man and was trying to fit in. In fact I am a God man also. I’m all over the guy, reading about him and all the stuff he’s done turns my heart into jelly and my eyebrows into chopsticks.
The problem is that I come from Dundee. It’s not a religious place, James. The men are like wild animals and the women are worse. Ever since I found God a few months ago (wait till I tell you that one, James, put it this way he was inside a packet of Shreddies) I have been trying to get other people to join me in the God game but I’ve had no luck. The only religious guy I know in Dundee is that mad baker up in Clepington Road40 but he’s away with it. Sometimes I feel like the only man in Dundee who will admit to having a wee ‘pal in the sky’.
To cut a long story short I’m going to have a crack at starting my own church and you sound like just the man to help me. As I said, I’m worth a few quid and would be willing to make a donation to your church if you allow me the honour of making you Chief Spiritual Adviser for what I have decided will be called the ‘Church of Broughty Ferry’?
Yours in God and Jesus,
Bob
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes I will help you Bob
Dear Mr. Bob Servant,
Thank you very much Mr. Bob, am happy to read from you again and ready to do what ever you ask me to do in the name of God. Please let me know how we can start because I am ready to give you all the support you want since it is the work of our lord Jesus Christ. I wait to hear from you and yes a donation would be right.
Regards
Mr James Joseph
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Let’s Do It!
James,
That’s terrific. Right well let’s plan for this Sunday then for the first meeting of the Church Of Broughty Ferry. I’d better start hunting for a suitable location. What does a church need please, James? I’ve seen them on Songs Of Praise but I know that’s all CGI.41 And how can I get people along on Sunday? Give me some bait for my Jesus hook.
Can I also please take this opportunity to say that I really appreciate you doing this for me. As it says in the bible, ‘You will meet a tall, dark stranger’. Well I think I’ve met mine! Welcome aboard, James.
Bob Servant
Minister, Priest and Social Secretary
The Church Of Broughty Ferry
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My advice
Hello Bob,
I do not think it says this in the bible but do not worry on this. Yes this Sunday will be best Bob that is the day when God is most close. Bob, you can go and look for a building that has an open space that will contain at least 300 to 500 population. It must be near the commercial centre to attract the people. Bob I think people I in scottland will know God from you soon and this to to be success.
Mr. Bob for this donation I sugest that i am going to send you some of the living bible books to empower you so that you will know what to tell your congregations. I want this book to get to your door step at least by Sunday morning. This books will cost you $120 only, and you will get as many as 30 of this books to realy equip you in your ministry over there in your country for you to understand the bilble and how to apply the principle on it.
This the information to send the money.
NAME. REV. JAMES JOSEPH.
ADDRESS; LAGOS NIGERIA.
AMOUNT; $120 ONLY.
TEXT QUATIONS; BIBLE
TEXT ANSWER; CHURCH.
Rev. James Joseph.
N/B; jESUS IS LORD!
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Call off the search we have a church
Hi James,
The books sound like a good idea, put me down for 10 copies for now. OK, I have good news because I have found our church! I took your advice that it has to be near the commercial centre so had a wee walk down the High Street. The good news is that I found a building, the bad news is that it’s the public toilet.
A couple of years ago Dundee City Council passed a law that everyone had to have a toilet in their house. Apart from a few conscientious objectors42 most folk got on board so the public toilet doesn’t really see much action these days. The only person that uses it is Slim Smith. I don’t know if you know much about Slim Smith but he’s the biggest guy in Broughty Ferry by quite some distance. I’m not entirely sure how much the guy weighs but I know that he’s not measured in normal ways. What’s a tonne, James? I think it might be a tonne. Or a fathom? I’m not sure. But the guy’s the size of a two-berth caravan.
Anyway Slim is the only boy that uses the public toilet when he
gets ‘into trouble’ as he puts it. I popped into Doc Ferry’s bar earlier and Slim was in there with Chick Devine and Pop Wood. Slim promised me he’s not going to be in town on Sunday so we’re welcome to use the toilet for our church.
The toilet itself is quite small. There are three urinals, a couple of cubicles, some taps and so on. I was thinking that I’ll put a plank over the sinks and stand up there, and the urinals could be a religious water feature. There’s a nice high roof and with the tiling the hymns should sound wonderful.
I was also thinking, James, that a toilet is surely quite appropriate? The people in Dundee are full of the devil’s poison and I have to get it out of their body in the same way you get things out of your body at the toilet. It is God that will push the poison out which I guess means Jesus is the toilet paper to clean up afterwards and I suppose I am the hand holding the toilet paper if you like. Do you follow, more or less, what I’m saying?
Maybe I’m not making myself clear James and I apologise if that’s the case. As it says in the bible ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!!!!’
Photo of the Church attached, it needs a wee tidy but as I said it ticks all the boxes
Bob Servant
Head Honcho
The Church of Broughty Ferry
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: You must buy bibles
Bob
Yes like yo say you must tidy up this room properly for use Sunday. This is good that there is to be a church but be careful about the toilet because God name must always be used in place with respect. There is no mention of this being mad situation in bible Bob you are saying it wrong again. you might have different bible to me. that is why you buy must books from me to make sure you are equip with right bible for the scottland people.
remember about the books. If i can have the money today i believe you can get the parcel at your doorstep first thing monday morning through Express courier services DHL. You have all payment detail.
Rev. James Joseph
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Up to four!
Hi James,
Thanks for giving the toilet the nod and don’t worry I’ll give it a wee tidy later. Right, things are heating up here ahead of tomorrow’s first congregation of the Church of Broughty Ferry. I’m very pleased to say I have three confirmed guests. They are:
My neighbour and best pal Frank. Frank used to work for me on the windowcleaning and the burger vans so I suppose you can say he’s been a disciple for a few years. He’s Judassed me on a few occasions, I’m not going to deny it, but he’s also been my Moses when I’ve needed him. I think we can trust him, James, and I’m giving him the vice-captain position.
Tommy Peanuts. Tommy’s an old pal of mine and he’s struggling to come to terms with his divorce from his wife. Believe it or not she left him in 1987 for a guy with a Fiat Corsa and a nice line in sarcasm but things are as bad as ever so I thought he should come along and hear what God has to say about things.
Mrs Henderson. She’s a game old bird who I met at Safeways tonight. She’s quite blind but but we had a good chat and she clearly still knows what side the bread’s buttered on so I invited her along. It’ll be good to have some skirt there anyway.
I know it’s not the best turnout in the world James but, as it says in the bible, ‘three’s a crowd’.
Right I need to get this sermon written for tomorrow, better go.
Bob
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Bibles
Bob
You did not even mention bibles i have them heer for you all agreed? Wheers is the money for these book bob you promised are you not religous man like you said? you show again that you are using the wrong bible with these words
Yes three people is ok for now – out of seeds grow bigger plants bob this is what to remember. A sermon is always needed of course best to speak to people hearts bob and have them find connection of their own with God.
Send money for bibles and i can have them rush job to you DHL
James
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: The Sermon
Hi James,
OK I’ve had a shot at the sermon and I am very proud to send you the attached. I hope you like it because I think it presses all the right buttons. As Jesus says in the bible ‘I’m happy as Larry’.
That’s me off to bed ahead of the big day tomorrow. I will dream of Jesus (not in a saucy way). I hope you have a good night. May God be with you (not in a saucy way).
Bob
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Sermon OK
Bob this is all fine you talk well off god tho maybe it is little confusing with the other people but god is there and this is fine and yes it is right for hallejulahg and to end everything with the AMEN.
It is Sunday now bob and you have not bought the bibles so this is very rong and you musst know this too bob. ok well let us say the bibbles will be with you next week and then you will be ready to go through with the second meeting of your new CHURCH.
Good luck today bob let me kno if the great sucess i know it will be and then you can send the money for the bibles OK Bob.
GOOD LUCK
Rev. James Joseph
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: I’m Having Doubts
James,
Well, where to begin? It’s fair to say that the Church of Broughty Ferry didn’t go exactly as you and I had hoped. It started not too bad. Tommy, Frank and Mrs Henderson all showed up and I stood outside the toilet and welcomed them with a bit of a pat on the back and some of the ‘God Be With You’ stuff. I made a wee joke about the steps up to the toilet being our ‘Stairway to Heaven’ and the atmosphere was pretty decent when I climbed up onto the taps for the sermon.
Unfortunately I had just started my speech when Slim Smith came into the toilet. He didn’t say anything and none of the others saw him. He just shook his head and went straight into a cubicle. I was knocked off my stride but for a moment it seemed like we’d get away it.
Then he started. James, the noises that Slim made were simply inhumane. What came out of that cubicle sounded like a drunken brass band. Unfortunately at the first blast from the cubicle Mrs Henderson thought it was the opening note of Onward Christian Soldiers and started singing away, which got Frank started. They barely knew the words so trying to match their singing up to Slim’s ‘tune’ was a tough job for them. Then Tommy Peanuts started crying which I thought was because of his divorce but was actually because he was standing nearest the cubicle.
In the end I had to climb down from the sinks and lead the congregation outside. Mrs Henderson said I should sack my organist and stormed off, Tommy went away to drown his sorrows and me and Frank waited for Slim. He finally came out looking very sorry for himself and said he’d had an entire pork belly for breakfast. Frank tried to lighten the mood by saying that at least Slim had ‘made a donation’ but I told Frank it was not a laughing matter and walked away with my head held high but my heart feeling like a lava lamp.
That’s me back at the house now, James, and I just don’t know what to say. What kind of God would allow this to happen? What kind of God would convince Slim Smith to eat an entire pork belly for breakfast? I just don’t know any more, James. I’m wondering that maybe there is no God after all and we’ve both been duped?
Yours In Doubt,
Bob
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From: James Joseph
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: I’m Having Doubts
Bob I start to think you are for joking bec
ause this is just too extreme now. a man went to the toilet in the church and this made a man cry and everything go bust? Come on bob this is not right it cannot be for true.
If you are real and this is what you are really doing in scottland then show me by sending the money today for your books and do not let me down bob because i already have the books from the printers and they are packed and all ready nice for you
James
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From: Bob Servant
To: James Joseph
Subject: Hold Tight!
James,
I have had a message from God and Jesus! I was sitting down for breakfast having a wee think about how maybe all the God stuff is bollocks when I picked up my banana and, well, you just wouldn’t believe it James. My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be but if you hold the banana in a certain light and kind of screw your eyes up it looks a little bit like Jesus. Maybe I’m wrong, but I nearly choked to death on my Shreddies. Can you see anything?
Yours in Hope,
Bob
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NO REPLY
37 See The Dundee Courier 15 July 2011: ‘Singer “Mystified and Humbled” by Dundee Baby-naming Statistics.’
38 A pretty confused rendition from Bob of the opening section of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The ‘wee boy’ was the 10-year-old character Charlie Bucket who chanced upon the golden wrapping of a chocolate bar and as a result was granted access to the aforementioned chocolate factory. At no point in the film was Charlie shown wearing gold underpants and he was certainly not pressurised by Wonka into putting some on. Neither, for that matter, did the two of them visit a disco.
39 Prince Charles, the dogged heir to the British throne, has never admitted to having sex with a cactus and nor should he. In 1993 he spoke in an unfairly mocked interview with the Daily Telegraph of talking to his plants with a view to helping their physical development. The Prince’s admirable attempts at botany did not extend to any form of sexual coupling and to say otherwise veers, in the opinion of this committed royalist, towards treason.
40 See Dundee Yellow Pages, p.26, Bakeries, ‘A Pie for A Pie’, 176 Clepington Road (closed Sundays).
41 Some of the things that Bob has described to me as being ‘all CGI’: hovercrafts, the Grand National, the Eiffel Tower and the TV advertising campaigns of Domino’s Pizza.