by Neil Forsyth
I literally cannot talk any higher of you than that. I’m so glad I met you Deadeye. You’ve really come up with the goods for me, like Nick Owen did when Sir Trevor McDonald poisoned that bus driver.55
Bob
Chief Scout
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From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: photos from training time
Bob
Thank you Bob I will never let you down when I play for you and i will never forget that you talk of me like this. I see this as respect between men and I will repay you for sure when I am on the pitch. Your wife is surely a best woman as well and i look forward to seeing her with you there in Scotland when i play my first game in fact i dedicate my first game to you and your family because of all you have done for me.
You want photos so i have sent some now from my training and they show well my capabties for you. You should know my TRAINING SCHEDULE:-
I do Gim on Saturdays evening but i train twice everyday from Monday–Friday. I like Physical training on Monday morning and lite ball work on Monday evening. I go to church on Sundays so no training. You should know that I play very similar to famous play Samuel etc. I play both legs but very perfect with my rite leg. Can we now go to the business side?
Regards
Your DEADEYE
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From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: Great Photos
Deadeye,
Thanks for the photos which are great if a little confusing. Firstly you seem to have undergone quite a transformation between the three photos? Also, did you not say you were eighteen years old? Fuck me, Deadeye, what was your milk round, the entire Sahara? You’re the oldest kid since Krankie.
Bob
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From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Great Photos
Bob,
My hair has changed between photos and that is all. Yes I am older for my age and this works only to your advantage bob as you will be surprised at my strength. Ok bob time to arrange deal. I have quickly worked out fl ight and everything, luggage and things like this, then insurance and also equipment and say first week of payment in advance. So bob shall we say $12,000 to get my account started and have me come to you?
You need to show you are honest now Bob because sometimes you speak as if you are not,
DEADEYE
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From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: Celebration
Deadeye,
That all makes perfect sense. OK we are very nearly there now. Deadeye, I just need to know one more thing which is how do you celebrate a goal? As our star signing you will be expected not only to score goals but also to celebrate them in a way that will have tongues wagging from Perth to Carnoustie. How will you, Deadeye The Fleet Footed Wonderboy, wag those tongues? Because I want you to wag them so hard, Deadeye, that you start a tsunami.
And please do not accuse me of not being honest, Deadeye. I care about you so deeply that I think I would be unable to lie to you even if I wanted to. I feel like Sir Bobby Charlton has opened a big bottle labeled ‘Honesty’ and poured every last drop into my mouth.
Your pal in the bootroom,
Bob
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From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My celebrations for you
Bob,
This is the last question i will answer to you bob because it is too long now. if you to sign me be fast and also bob this is not right a player like me who has won legue titles should be here to sell himself like the women in the market sell the crayfish.
Ok last answer. When ever I score a goal my state of mind changed and i will be very exited and may be force to run to any angle of the pitch racing my hands and thanking God who give me the opportunity to score. As a striker the only thing that I know that will make the fans exited is scoring goals, when a player is a goal scorer he makes the fans happy and gain the support of the fans which will encourage him to work harder and score more goals for his team.
Right bob i attach full details for the bank transfer. Send $12000 now and then this will be sealed. You are sometimes talking as if not serious for this bob. Let us finish the business and have me there with you making fans happy.
Don and DEADEYE
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From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: I think we can do better than that
Deadeye,
Thanks for getting back to me and I wouldn’t dream of treating you like a crayfish because you don’t deserve that. I have to say though that your celebration didn’t really grab my imagination. Don’t worry though because I have had a wee think and come up with an alternative. OK here we go:
GOAL CELEBRATION FOR DEADEYE THE FLEET FOOTED WONDERBOY
For a couple of seconds after the goal just stand there as if you can’t believe what’s happened, then explode into life.
Run as fast as you can to the away fans and cup your ear as if to say ‘You were saying?’ Then go down on one knee and pretend to bowl a bowling ball. Stand up and run to the home fans. Point at your smile as if to say ‘this is me happy get used to it’ then pretend to throw a javelin.
Run as fast as you can to the St John’s Ambulance mob. Stand in front of them and pretend to have a heart attack then jump back to your feet and laugh as if to say ‘Don’t be ridiculous: I’m Deadeye and I’m as fit as a fiddle’.
Run as fast as you can over to a ballboy and ruffle his hair until he laughs then gradually increase how hard you are ruffling his hair until he is on the verge of tears then stop ruffling his hair, pick him up and scream in his ear ‘You are the naughtiest boy in Britain’.
Run as fast as you can to the fire exit in the corner of the pitch and out to the street.
Run as fast as you can down Tannadice Street, take a right on Arklay Street and stop at the bus stop on the corner of Dens Road. The bus you want is the number 75 to Broughty Ferry. If you need change for the bus you can get it from Inky Instrell’s newsagent next to the bus stop. Take a window seat on the right-hand side of the bus so you get a nice view of the river.
Get off the bus at Broughty Ferry train station and run as fast as you can to Harbour View Road. My house is the one with the Space Age extension. Let yourself in. I’ll be asleep in the big armchair with Zulu on the telly with the sound down. Kneel down and wake me up by slowly circling my temples with your fingers. It’s possible I’ll say something like ‘not so firm, Frank’. If so ignore that and don’t read anything into it.
When I wake up, look at me with that wonky little smile of yours and say, ‘I did it boss. I popped one in the onion bag’.
We’ll just ad lib it from there. One thing though, Deadeye, please don’t take off your shirt off at any point or you’d be in danger of receiving a yellow card.
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NO REPLY
52 See The Dundee Courier, 26 December 2010: ‘Christmas Calamities’ (‘“All I’d ask him is ‘Was it really worth it?’” said one middle-aged woman whose right foot had been crudely superglued to a turkey’).
53 Hat, presumably.
54 The Timex Strike of 1993 thrust Dundee into the national consciousness. When the Timex company brought in ‘scab’ labour to break the strike there was the worst picket-line violence seen in Britain since the 1984 miners’ strike. As Bob said, however, not everyone in the city suffered during the strike. See The Dundee Courier, 10 January 1993: ‘Dundee Cheese Burger Van Mogul Defends Timex Relocation’ (‘ “I greatly admire the strikers and I am here to help,” said Servant (46) who has been selling large quantities of fast food to the crowd outside the factory gates. Servant pointed out that he has incurred signifi cant costs “rebranding” his van. He now offers the “Scargill Sandwich” (a cheeseburger), the �
��Bolshevik Burger” (a cheeseburger) and “Stalin’s Surprise” (also a cheeseburger). Servant went on to defend his offer of high-interest credit to the strikers which he is marketing under the banner “Bash the Scabs, Start a Tab!”’).
55 The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never poisoned a bus driver. He did, however, beat a homeless man to death in Birmingham in 1991. See Your Headlines Tonight: The Trevor McDonald Story p.201 (‘ “Any change, Sir Trevor?” he asked. I looked around me. We were alone. I walked over and said in a deep, Russian accent, “I will give you some change, by God I will give you some change.” When I came to my senses he was dead and my suit was beyond repair. I felt sick. I called Nick Owen who walked off the 12th green at Sunningdale and incurred a speeding ticket on the M25 in his rush to help me. We buried the body at sea, on high tide at Holy Island. The sight of Nick Owen’s head framed against the breaking dawn while he weighted down the body with his golf clubs was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. Afterwards we went for a cooked breakfast and, despite his protestations, I reimbursed Nick for his golf clubs and we went halves on the speeding ticket. It was simply the right thing to do’).
17
The Bob Servant Experience
From: Dr Larry Moore
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Your Transfer Is Ready
Dear Sir,
We have the transfer of money to your account ready right now. Please for the legitimacy of this project I would like you to contact this lawyer with the below information so that he will tell you what is needed to do to enable the transfer of this money take effect legally without any question.
NAME: ADV DAVID MAHLANGU
PHONE:
advocatedavidmahlangu@
Please contact him for we had already told him about you. Ask any question as you contact him and tell him what he will do for you as a good lawyer to enable you receive this fund.
God bless you,
Dr Larry Moore
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: All Very Mysterious
Hello,
I was contacted out of the blue by ‘Dr’ Larry Moore and asked to get in touch with you. While it is exciting to be given instructions in this way (I feel like I’m in a film or working for MFI 56) I am afraid I have bigger fish on my plate. However one thing I do need is a lawyer. I used to be represented in my scrapes by Joan Downie up near Dawson Park but she’s retired now.
Can you ‘Rumpole me up’?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Legal Advice
Bob
Yes i am very top lawyer and I did not expect your mail. I work a lot with international transfers of money if this is it and you are expecting transfer then simply send bank details and the money will be with you very soon. My legal chamber will consult the needful office for such transfer and other different Governmental Parasitical responsible for such Fund to be Transfer as you may advice and get back to you as soon as you fill our two legal forms to stand for you as your legal lawyers here in South Africa.
Once again we thank you for your humble contact to our legal office and promised to out in our legal best to get the total fund in your position as soon as we hear from you. I hereby forward the two Attached Legal Form for you to fill and return to us to enable us proceed accordingly.
Yours Faithfully,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.) Member
MAHLANGU ATTORNEYS
SOUTH AFRICA
TEL:
Fax:
Motto: Your satisfaction is our priority
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: My Apologies
David,
Sorry my mistake, I thought you were based here in Blighty. I need a lawyer and I was interested in handing you the golden lollipop57 but with you based in South Africa I can’t see how that would work, what with the language barrier and the time difference.
Oh well, that’s life eh? Life’s like a box of spanners, David. You choose a spanner and you stand there and say ‘Oh look at me with my spanner’. Hang on. Sorry I think I meant hammers not spanners. Christ, what is it? Look, David, what I’m saying is this, ‘put down your spanner and have a good time’.
Your man in the toolbox,
Bob
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This is no problem
Sir
We received your mail and all you said is well noted. In fact these are not any concerns. We have full international clearance to act in Great Britain and also we speak perfect English as you can see. As for time difference well Bob there is just one hour in difference so again do not worry about this.
However Sir, it is our humble respect to inform you that this is our 16 years in the office for this reason we are not ready to stand for any case or project that will bring our legal name down. For this reason we requested that you should fill our legal forms as stated and send it back to us and expect our legal advice by tomorrow after our legal findings as we promised in our first mail.
This is true what you say about life you should not expect the expected ever.
Thank you with peace,
Yours Faithfully,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.) Member
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: You’ve got the gig
David,
OK that’s great news. Well in that case I am very pleased to announce that you, David Mahlangu, are now my lawyer. My man in the trenches if you like, to cover my charge and chuck a couple of grenades at the boo boys.
I have to say what you told me about South Africa made me feel like Bruno Brookes was pushing my brain through a sieve. I didn’t know you lot spoke the Queen’s lingo and I’m absolutely knocked for six by the one hour situation.
How about a wee side deal, David? If you’re an hour ahead then why don’t you send me through horse racing results and I could nip down to the bookies and clean up. We could be majorly Geldoffed up here David or, as you say, ‘totally Mandela’d’.
Are you ready to hear about the case? It’s about being the public eye and what it can do to you. Think of Kinnock headbutting his wife on the beach, double it and add 32.58
Bob
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Tell me everything
Sir
We thank you once more for your fast reply believing that we will not let you down in any way. The one difference is not this simple Bob. In fact we are both existing at the same point in time it is just the clocks that are different. But do not worry about this, it is not vital.
You must tell me about your case Bob as I am your lawyer. Leave nothing out. And I would ask you to provide proof that you will be in a position to pay for our serviced by sending quickly your main banking information.
You need not to worry about my legal chamber representing you as your legal attorney for this transfer, all we are trying to do is to be a good lawyer to you. Note once more that we don’t work blindly in any case or any transaction or project for our legal protection and respect. We pray that you give us this trust.
Thank you with peace,
Yours Faithfully,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: I’m on the case (no pun intended)
David,
OK I am going to sit down this evening with a flask of OVD and write out the whole sorry story. In a nutshell it’s a bust-up with my neighbour Frank that makes Pearl Harbor look like Alton Towers.
<
br /> Oh and don’t worry about me paying you. In the 1980s I made more money than Anna Ford. I was a windowcleaning supremo then a cheese burger van messiah and if you add those two together, David, then the answer is my house which is known round here as Bob’s Palace. I attach a photo.
How is your day going? Are you sitting working away with your white wig on?
Yours,
Bob
59
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From: David Mahlangu
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I am ready
Good evening Bob,
I hope you are advance in your notes because I am ready to here the case now Bob. You have a very interesting house and I am sure that you have been a big success in business and in fact I will do a special deal for you because of our mutual standing. So let me hear the case for now and then we can firm a fee Bob.
We only wear wigs when we are in court. Today I am in business suit in office Bob as I have a string of vital meetings.
Your lawyer,
ADV DAVID MAHLANGU (Esq.)
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From: Bob Servant
To: David Mahlangu
Subject: Here you are
David,
I hope the string of meetings went well. Sometimes I wish I had become something important and influential like a lawyer or a PE teacher. I certainly never had a string of meetings when I worked on the cheeseburger vans. I was lucky if I had a string of string. Anyway, let’s not get bogged down in the string stuff because we could go back and forth on that all night.
Here’s the whole sorbet60 story. As you will have gathered by the way I conduct myself, I am an enormous success story. I have made a lot of money in business and because of my outgoing personality and stuff with my eyes I have built up a large following of fans and imitators.
I don’t know what it’s like over in South Africa but in Blighty in the last few years there has been all this celebrity stuff. I just don’t get it. These days people just seem to be famous for the sake of being famous, like the folk on reality TV and Cliff Thorburn.
Dundee hasn’t got that many famous faces so I have been pushed into the limelight. People are coming from all over the place to see me and my big house. I play deaf when they ring the bell and they can’t get in because my house is like Fort Nob61 but Frank’s garden next door offers a pretty good view of my place.