by Neil Forsyth
46 Bell, Alexander Graham (1847–1922). Edinburgh-born inventor of the telephone. See The Dundee Courier, 4 August 1876: ‘Edinburgh Man Builds Snooping Machine’.
47 Scottish slang for radios.
48 Again, Scottish slang for radios.
49 See The Scotsman, 27 March 2011: ‘Scottish Gas Reprimanded for Anti-English Campaign’ (‘Scottish Gas was fined today for an advertising campaign which suggested that British Gas generated their gas “from the tears of Scottish orphans”’).
15
The Vanishing Beard
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Do Not Ignore This
Dear Respected Sir,
I got your contact email address through internet research as i was conducting researches to link-up a reliable foreign partner to help me carry out this transaction. On coming accross your contact, i was touched spiritually and physically to connect you, with great feelings that you might be of great help to me.
I live here in Australia and work for the Australia Investments Corp. To be very honest with you, this business i have introduced to you is very genuine and highly benefitial. i have the absolute convinction that you will neither betray nor disappoint me in this transaction. I have access to a fund which if is not claimed after eight years it will enter into the bank’s treasury and becomes the inherittance of the Australian government but instead I could transfer to you.
If this sounds like what you want and need then contacts me right away. Please trust in me just as i have trusted you before opening the secret of this business to you because about 99.9% of all genuine transactions all over the world is based on mutual trust and understanding. You will see the form to fill in here.
Thanks and best regards
Alistair Ross
Australia Investments Corp
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Quick snap?
Hi Alistair,
Sounds great, can you please send a photo of yourself for my records?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This is no problem
Hello bob yes this is no problem for photo here is me in my private offi ce. Ok well now we can procede?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Let’s lose the beard
Morning champ,
OK here’s my position. I don’t like beards, Alistair, I don’t like them at all. About forty years ago I saw a documentary about a guy with a beard who led a gang of young pickpockets in London and then one of the kids started singing as if someone had his little balls in a vice and, oh dear, the whole thing was awful.50
So Alistair, it’s very simple. Simply shave off your beard and sit back in that same chair in that same office and send me a new photo. I will then send you every single penny I have as well as my neighbour Frank’s pension book and ‘flat screen’ TV.
Because, don’t get me wrong, Alistair, I can see your potential. You, Alistair, are wearing a sandwich board saying ‘Opportunity’, a top hat saying ‘Trust Me’ and, if I may, a pair of pants embroidered with the phrase ‘Work Hard’ at the front and, if I may, ‘Play Hard’, at the back.
That last bit was all metaphors.
Look forward to seeing the new photo,
Bob
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I cannot do this
Bob,
I cannot do this because my wife likes my beard and in fact it was her idea. If you’re married man then this will work for you. Just fill in the form or if you want to send your whole money for investment purposes this is fine too. I do not need your friend TV I have one that is doing OK. Thank you for the metaphor i get message and you right this is ‘OPPORTUNITY’ and i will so hard for you you will be amazed.
Alistair
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Stand up to her
Alistair,
Don’t let your wife be your boss. You’ll end up like the Duke of Edinburgh who has to ask the Queen before he goes to the toilet.51 So I apologise to you and your dragon of a wife, Alistair, but if you want to do business then the beard has to go.
Bob
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not important
Bob,
The beard does not matter in business bob you must know this. Send your information anyway.
Alistair
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Goodbye
Alistair,
I have made my position clear. Until I see the photo as requested I will be playing deaf to your emails.
Goodbye,
Bob
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Trust me
Bob
Come on this is not important and why does photo have to be the same. You don’t trust me! bob why not? Send the information.
Alistair
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Answer me
Bob? not heard from you, send something today.
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK here it is
OK Bob here is photo like you ask, I have removed my beard even if it causes problem with my wife. Now send your data now or if you want whole money invested I have many opportunities that you will like.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: RE: OK here it is
Please tell me that you’re joking.
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Of course not a joke
Bob this is business not joking what is problem?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Have a guess
What do you think the problem might be?
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Have a guess
i really do not know bob can you send me your details to arrange investment?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Come on Alistair
Alistair,
If you said you were joking, I would have all the respect in the world for
you.
Bob
----------------
From: Alistair Ross
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK
ok i am joking does that help?
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Alistair Ross
Subject: Love
Alistair,
I may, I repeat may, have fallen in love with you,
Bob
----------------
NO REPLY
50 I think Bob is referring to the 1968 film adaptation of Oliver Twist and specifically to the part of Fagin and the singing of the 9-year-old lead actor, Mark Lester. My take on Lester’s voice would be far more charitable. I think that Lester, who in later life would become godfather to Michael Jackson’s children (this is true), sang like an angel.
51 I can’t imagine that the 90-year-old Duke of Edinburgh asks permission from the Queen to visit the bathroom. However, if her Majesty does enforce such a rule then, as alwa
ys, she will have done so for the nation’s wellbeing and in the spirit of the Blitz.
16
Deadeye the Fleet-footed Wonderboy
From: Chris Adams
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Can you help?
Dear Sir / Madam Please read.
It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partner. It is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across on the Internet.
The truth is that I am a dying man looking to invest funds abroad for the sake of my children and grandchildren. You are a business or invidividual that i have picked as a possible receiver of this investment. Simply return how much you would require and why i will consider how we can proceed. The money would come by banking transfer so let us save time by you providing full banking dretails on the form below.
1) Your Full Name.......................... ...
2) Your Age........................... ............
3) Your Mobile and Home Phone Number........
4) Your Fax Number..........
5) Your Country of Nationality................. .
6) Your Occupation.................... ........
7) Sex........................... .....................
8) Alternative E-mail Address/ ........................
I look forward for your immediate Positive response.
My regards to you and the family,
Mr Chris Adams
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Chris Adams
Subject: Too Busy
Hello Chris,
Thanks for getting in touch and I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time. I’m afraid I can’t help you right now as I am extremely busy. I feel like Santa on Christmas Eve or Dundee A&E on Christmas Day.52
I am Head Scout with a Scottish football team called Dundee United and I’m busy trying to find a star signing for the new season. We’ve lost a few players and the natives are restless. I need to pull something big out of my cat 53 here, Chris, a real Bobby Dazzler who can show the opposition a clean pair of heels and have the punters up on their tiptoes waving their rattles and with smiles as wide as the Clyde. I’ve got a bit of money to spend on the right player and, by God, I intend to get him.
Sorry Chris, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. You’re busy with your health problems.
Best of luck for the future,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Chris Adams
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I know a star player
Bob,
In fact bob you are in most luck right now because I know a football soccer player like you will not believe. I am weak but I can work on you with this if i was to introduce. Then of course you pay a fee. say $5000 as lump sum to be paid now?
This player is one of the best that you will have seen. He has multiple experience and like you say will cause joy to the people. I myself have seen him play many times and in fact has been great comfort to me during illness to watch him play that is how much beautiful it is.
Chris
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Chris Adams
Subject: We don’t pay agents
Chris,
That’s a stroke of luck. Sorry we are not paying agents just now because of the cutbacks but I’m sure you’ll want your friend to have his shot at glory and I’d imagine he’ll chuck a few quid your way. Put it this way, he’ll be getting a package like you wouldn’t believe. We pay wages, expenses and a £50 a month boot polish allowance so I’m sure he’ll bung you a fiver or two.
Yours,
Bob
----------------
From: Chris Adams
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I will pass this on
OK Bob I will pass you on and you can pay him money. Yes I will arrange with him. His name is Don Woodward and he will be in touch soon. I believe that he is even at training right now so this is a good sign for you Bob.
----------------
From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I am a striker with excellent experience
Dear Mr. Bob Servant The Chief player Scout
Good day Sir. I am pleased to write to inform you of my intention to ask that you give me an offer and a place in your Scottish football team of DUNDEE UNITED. I was given your details by one of my fans CHRIS ADAMS.
well what to say. I will keep short for now. I am a striker with excellent experience, young, strong & have good pace, very skillful and intelligent on the ball. It would be quite right for me to have a place at your football club. I have played for a number of top professional club here in Africa including leage champions and cup winner.
I am happy to come and play for your team overe in Scotland and this is fine. I wil have to arrange release here and then there are all the costs to come to you and this will be quite high.
So let us arrange a deal and soon i will be there playing for you with all my heart Bob
thank you and pleased to meet you bob
DON WOODWARD
Football Player. Position: Forward
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: You’re ticking my boxes
Don,
Thanks for getting in touch. You sound like a strong possibility. One slight hitch is that I’ve just had a wee look online for your name and could not find it anywhere. Considering the fact that you’ve played for league champions, that made my eyebrows take off like helicopters.
I presume you can clear this up easily enough? I certainly hope so. The fans want a star signing and there’s a really terrible atmosphere around the place. I’ve not seen Dundee like this since the Timex strike which was a bad time for the city. Well, to be fair, it was a pretty good time for me.54
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
Chief Scout
----------------
From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not Important
Dear Mr. Bob Chief Scout
Do not worry bob not all teams and leagues here bother to post their news on internet why would they? Most fans know of the teams and players through word of mouth and this is how you have come to hear of me so you are in fact the evidence against yourself.
If you need more information then you should just come and ask me bob instead of wasting your time on the computer. You should know that I am 18 years old and am well built, very strong in air and very good on fifty fifty balls. I have speed and can beat defenders very easily and score with the help of my inborn speed. Also i am very skillful and intelligent on the ball.
My position is forward, in my previous club i play as the top striker and due get result for my team. I am 6 foot 3 tall.
Regards
Don Woodward
Football Player. Position: Forward
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: Your New Name
Don,
Wasting time on the computer is one thing that I hope no one can ever accuse me of. Right, my friend, things are looking good. The first thing I need to do, of course, is give you a new name. It is absolutely vital over here that any star player we have is given a name that will have the fans giving it laldy on their way to the ground and then waving their scarves like lunatics when you take to the grass. Some of our old heroes here at United had great names. I’m thinking, as you’ll know, of boys like Slippers Malpas, Angel Toes Bannon and old ‘Magic Socks’ himself – Trickshot Narey The Man Who Made Physics Cry.
Anyway, I’ve
had a think and this is what I want to call you:
Deadeye the Fleet-footed Wonderboy
OK with you? Thanks for all the information. Can I just check on things like diet and personality? Tell me a little about the real Deadeye.
I attach a photo of old Trickshot Narey. My God what a player he was,
Bob
----------------
From: Don Woodward
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Name OK
Dear Mr. Bob Servant
Thanks once again for you communication. OK i understand this with the name and this is fine to call me. It is also correct as i am fleet foot for sure. Bob i run like you will not believe. I like your picture and i hope i can play as well as these famous names.
Regarding my character, i am humble and only concentrate on my football carrier. I like listening to soft music and most of the American gospels Music. Gospel songs is my daily bread that give me lots of inspiration in my career. For diet I take lite food in the morning after training and rice for my evening meals.
So it is good we are nearly in agreement. can we start to arrange our deal now bob? i do not like to talk of these things i rather talk only of football but the business must be done so let us carry on. From Don, or for you it is DEADEYE!
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Don Woodward
Subject: Some action shots?
Deadeye,
I’m delighted to hear about the Gospel music and the rice, which is the kind of combination I was hoping you’d come up with. Right well I think it’s time that I saw Deadeye in action. Can you send some photos from your latest training session please?
By God, Deadeye, I can’t wait to see you with the ball at your feet, skipping past the opposition as if they were lampposts and then firing one into the old onion bag. You’re my kind of player, Deadeye, and, more importantly, you’re my kind of man. A man’s man, if you like. You, Deadeye, are the kind of man that I could spend all day drinking with in a graveyard and then go home to the wife and she’d wipe the custard off her apron and say ‘what did you do today then?’ and I’d say ‘today I met a man. That’s all, I met a man’.