by Lois Richer
As he walked beside her back to the birthday party, which was still going full swing, his gut roiled at his powerlessness to help her. Beautiful Shay Parker had gone above and beyond for him, for his mom, for Maggie and for the community of Hope. But inside she suffered terribly. She’d tried to hide her fear from him but he’d seen it in those beautiful eyes, and it stabbed him with a fierce anger every single time.
Why? he demanded of God. Why does Shay have to go through this?
Nick hated the image of Shay cowering on her car, hunched over, afraid. He wanted to set her free, to see the old Shay return, laughing, copper curls tossed back, wide open to everything life sent her way.
Can’t You help me, God? She’s such a special woman, a very special friend.
Like an echo, a question came into his mind.
Friend? Is friendship all you want from Shay?
*
“I don’t know how to thank you, dear.” Mrs. Green enfolded Shay in a tight hug. “Today was simply fantastic.”
“I’m glad.” Shay basked in the love she felt emanating from Nick’s mother. Mrs. Green always made her feel as if she was a favored daughter. “I was thrilled Nick allowed me to help out with your party.”
She helped the weary woman ease into a lawn chair then sank into the one beside her. Brianna and Jaclyn had banished Shay from the kitchen for cleanup while their husbands disassembled the tables.
The Green girls chattered together as they picked up the refuse left from Chinese buffet Shay had provided for the family dinner. Maggie and the other kids were grouped around Nick. In the glow of the campfire, each child’s eyes expanded as they leaned forward to hear every sensational detail of the story he was telling them.
The perfect ending to a perfect day, Shay mused. The growing dusk seemed to invite introspection.
“Which part of today did you enjoy the most?” she asked.
“I appreciated every moment, dear. But do you know why this particular birthday you helped me celebrate is such a blessing?”
“No.” Shay frowned. Nick hadn’t said a word.
Mrs. Green smiled. “Years ago my husband left us on my birthday,” she murmured. “I was devastated.”
“Of course you were.” Shay clasped her gnarled hand, smoothing the knotted knuckles with her fingers. Mrs. Green hadn’t given a sign that she had bad memories or was less than blissfully happy today. “I can’t imagine how upsetting it must be to face that every year on your special day. All this time—how did you manage?”
“I didn’t at first.” Nick’s mom chuckled. “I was bitter toward my husband, angry at God, and so afraid.”
“Afraid?” Shay blinked in surprise.
“Terrified, actually.” The small woman peered into the dusk. “I felt so alone and felt I had no control over anything. I prayed as hard as I have ever prayed.”
“Did that help?” Shay backtracked. “I’m sorry. That’s too personal a question. I guess I identify with you—I’ve prayed often for help, but sometimes it seems like God isn’t listening.”
“He is, my dear.” Mrs. Green’s fingers tightened around hers. Perfect assurance filled her voice. “He hears every word you say. And yes, it did help me.”
At that moment, Shay lifted her head and found Nick’s gaze on her. He lifted one brow as if to ask if everything was okay. Shay nodded. He studied her for several moments before he went back to his storytelling.
“So, if God hears me, why doesn’t He answer?” Shay asked the older woman.
“My dear girl, what makes you think He hasn’t?”
Confused, Shay frowned.
“We must have a firm grip of knowledge about the love of God to fight our fears.”
“I don’t understand,” Shay admitted, unsure where this was going.
“After I stopped ranting at God for allowing my husband to abandon me and our family, after I got past telling Him how He should fix my world, after my heart was completely empty and I couldn’t fight anymore,” Mrs. Green said as her eyes, so like her son’s, met Shay’s. “After I got past all of that, a wonderful thing happened. I began to listen.”
Listen to what? Shay waited, needing to understand how this brave woman had conquered her fear and her anger.
“Perhaps I should say I began to hear.” Mrs. Green smiled. “I remember the moment so clearly. I read a verse in Romans that said because of our faith Jesus brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand.” Her laughter bubbled up into a chuckle. “You may believe me, my dear Shay, when I tell you I didn’t think I was in any place of privilege, trying to feed and clothe five hungry kids on my own.”
Shay smiled at her self-mocking tone, but she couldn’t wait for the older woman to continue. Maybe here, at last, she’d find the solution to her panic.
“The next part of that verse says, ‘We confidently and joyfully look forward to becoming all that God has in mind for us to be.’ I was curious about that,” Mrs. Green continued. “What could God have in mind for me, a single mom who didn’t know where her next dollar was coming from? Was I going to be rescued, like Cinderella?”
Shay chuckled.
“I know.” Mrs. Green shook her silvery head. “Me as Cinderella? Hardly. The next part says, ‘We can rejoice when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient.’”
Shay nodded, familiar with the verse.
“I really, really did not want to learn patience just then, but what choice did I have? I repeated those words to myself day after day until I had them memorized.”
Was there a way that Shay could put them into practice for herself? What would her life be like without the fear?
“‘And patience…helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.’” Mrs. Green beamed, her brown eyes shining with a joy that flowed from deep inside. “Isn’t that wonderful? God so loves us that He teaches us to trust Him.”
“But—” Shay started to argue.
“I realized that God always gave us enough. My children ate, they slept safely in their own home, they finished school.” She touched Shay’s shoulder, her fingers gentle. “I learned the truth of that passage. ‘We are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens, and we know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us.’”
But God’s love hadn’t ended her panic attacks. Frustration nipped at Shay.
“You see, Shay, our part is to trust in Him and move on in our faith.” Mrs. Green touched her cheek with a swollen knuckle. “The Bible promises, ‘His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’”
Silence stretched between them. Shay replayed the words mentally. His peace will guard your heart and mind. Peace from her fears sounded so wonderful.
“Jaclyn gave me a verse about God not giving us fear but power. I’ve been reciting it over and over—”
“Honey, it’s not the repeating so much as it is letting His words sink into your heart so that you believe them.” The older woman searched her gaze. “Nick told me about the stalker, Shay. I hope you don’t mind?”
“I don’t mind. The thing is,” Shay murmured, “I’m not sure if God abandoned me or if I’ve abandoned Him since then. I’ve tried to make it better, only it seems like God is doing nothing to help me. I feel like I don’t matter to Him.”
“You do matter, Shay. You are His beloved child and He cares for you.” Mrs. Green leaned toward her and pinned her with that intense gaze. “I know you were terrorized. That opened the door to fear. I know exactly how it creeps up. I’ve felt its tentacles sink into me.”
“So what do I do?”
“You have to listen to another voice.” Mrs. Green leaned closer, her face somber. “Listen to the whisper that says, ‘I am God. I am here and I am in control. I know the things I have planned for you, to prosper you and not to harm you.’ That voice is stronger than anything you’ll ever face. It can help y
ou overcome your fear, if you’ll only listen to it.”
“Story time is over.” Nick stood before them.
Shay hadn’t even noticed him leave the fire. She looked around. Their marshmallows roasted, weary, drooping children looked ready to climb into their beds without complaint.
“I’m coming, son.” Mrs. Green rose then bent to cup Shay’s cheek in her palm. “Any time you want to talk, let me know.”
She held out her arms and Shay went into them. She could at last see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. She wasn’t sure how it all worked. Not yet. But she knew she wanted the peace Mrs. Green had. She wanted to overcome defeat, to refuse to let the fear control her world any longer.
“Thank you,” she whispered in the woman’s ear. “Thank you so much.”
“Grandma, what are you and Shay whispering about?” Maggie moved her Tiger machine with the big bicycle wheels alongside her grandmother, yawning mightily as she did.
“I was just telling Shay about God and how much He loves us,” her grandmother explained.
“But Shay’s big,” Maggie said with a frown. “Doesn’t she already know that? I’m five and I know God loves me.”
“How do you know, Maggie?” Shay asked.
Maggie leaned her head to one side to think about it. “Like how I asked Him to please help me come to Grandma’s party.” She shrugged. “I’m here, so that’s how I know God loves me.”
“Thank you for explaining that to me.” Shay smiled at Nick over Maggie’s head as she hugged the sweet child.
“Time to get you home, darling.” Her grandmother shared a look with Maggie. Their faces glowed with the knowledge that they were loved.
That, Shay realized, was what she longed for most of all. To be loved.
The Green family took their leave, each one hugging Shay and thanking her, until only Nick remained. He walked with her to the house and switched off the lights they’d strung.
“Are you sure there’s nothing more that needs doing?” he asked.
“No. It’s all finished. Everything is back to normal,” Shay said with a smile.
“Everything?” He tilted his head to one side, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes.
She bit her lip and forced herself not to ease away from Nick. “I know I lost it there in the garage. Thank you for coming to my rescue. Again.”
“Listen. I’ve been thinking.” He shuffled his feet in the gravel then lifted his head, his dark eyes hidden in the shadows. “This fear—it’s tearing you apart. I thought maybe I could help. There’s supposed to be a meteor shower in a couple of weeks—in the desert,” he emphasized.
Dread of being alone in the desert’s vast expanse surged. Shay opened her mouth to say no. Then she remembered Mrs. Green’s words.
Face it. Trust God. Overcome.
“I promise you’ll be safe, Shay. I’ll—”
She reached up and with the briefest touch, laid a fingertip against his lips to stem his words. “I want to go,” she said quietly.
Nick looked stunned by her acceptance. Or maybe it was that she’d touched him. When he finally snapped back to awareness, his dark eyes grew intense, his face earnest.
“Then we’ll go. Together. I’ll be right there, Shay.”
“Thank you.” Doubts about her decision swarmed. What if, what if, what if…
“I guess I’d better get going.”
“Okay.” She pressed her hands behind her, wishing he didn’t have to leave, wishing he could stay and talk, help her chase away the panic that always came at night.
Wishing she could just be with him.
“Thank you for giving my mother this wonderful day, Shay.” His gaze held hers. “We couldn’t have done it without you.”
“That’s what friends are for.” The way Nick stared at her made Shay’s knees liquefy. Did he want to stay as much as she wanted him to?
“You went a long way past friendship today. So thank you.”
Then Nick Green leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her cheek.
A moment later he was gone and Shay was left standing in her yard, staring after him. She lifted one hand and touched the spot of tingling skin where his lips had landed for one brief second.
Now why had he gone and done that? she wondered as her heart skipped a few beats before it began to soar.
And if he was going to kiss me, why did it have to be on the cheek?
Shocked by the yearning that surged through her to be held in Nick’s strong arms, Shay rushed into the house.
How come the prospect of such a thing filled her with joy and not fear?
Chapter Nine
“So Nick kissed you?” Brianna put her elbows on her desk and tucked her chin into her cupped palms. The gleam of interest in her eyes couldn’t be disguised by the scholarly glasses she always wore for their sessions.
“Yes, he kissed me. On the cheek.” Shay closed her eyes, still able to feel his lips. In fact, little else had been on her mind ever since it happened. Her brain kept replaying the scene over and over and her skin still tingled at the memory. That’s why she’d made an appointment to talk to Brianna. Because she was so confused.
“And? What happened when Nick kissed you?”
“Nothing.” Shay blinked at the realization.
“You didn’t panic? You didn’t freeze?” Brianna smiled at her surprise. “You trusted Nick enough to let him get that close.”
“Or I was too stunned to react,” Shay mumbled. Nothing seemed straightforward since Nick’s kiss.
“You’ve never been that stunned before.” Brianna smiled as she tented her fingers. “You’ve always managed to react before anyone else could get too close, including Eric.”
“Nick surprised me, that’s all. Don’t you think?” Shay frowned.
“Is that what you want to believe?” Brianna asked.
“I don’t know. Everything seems so mixed up.” Shay rubbed her shoulder. “I can’t make sense of myself.”
“Because things are changing,” Brianna suggested.
“Changing?” Shay couldn’t make sense of what her friend meant. Or maybe she didn’t want to? “You know, maybe this fear thing—maybe it’s a personal flaw, something that can’t be fixed.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because I look around and everyone else is happy. So I start to think, ‘I can be happy, too. Today I’m not going to be afraid.’” Shay sighed as she slouched in her chair. “And then some stupid little thing happens and all I can think is—Dom’s back.”
“I wonder if that is what you think.” Brianna fixed Shay with a serious stare.
“Huh?”
“Hear me out. I wonder if somewhere deep inside, when you’re uncomfortable, your mind protests with fear because your subconscious is trying to protect you, to prevent a repeat of the out-of-control situation with the stalker.”
“You think?” Shay rubbed her arms, desperate to get rid of the chills she was feeling.
“Tell me when you’re most comfortable, Shay.”
“When I’m at home, working on a project.”
“Really? You’re not getting up every five seconds to see if someone’s out there?” She nodded at the look of surprise on Shay’s face. “I thought so. Try again. When are you the most comfortable?” she prodded.
A second passed before Shay found the answer.
“Working with the kids.”
“You’re not afraid then?” her friend asked.
“Of course not.” Shay blinked. “Why would I be? They’re smaller than me—usually.”
“I doubt that’s the only reason.” Brianna raised an eyebrow. “Can I tell you why I think you’re totally comfortable with yourself when you’re with the kids?”
“You’re the shrink.” Shay wondered if she was going to like hearing this.
“Technically, I’m a psychologist, but moving on.” Brianna leaned forward. “You’re completely relaxed when you’re with kids because your f
ocus is off you. You’re thinking about how you can help them.”
“Okay. So?” Shay didn’t get it.
“Your panic stems from when you start thinking about what might happen. You’re letting ‘might’ dictate how you live your life, Shay.”
“I’m not that bad.” Shay bristled at the intimation. “I have a…normal life.”
“Really?” A tiny smile played at the corner of Brianna’s lips. “You’re a young, beautiful woman. You broke up with Eric, what, eight, ten months ago? Have you had a date since then?”
“No, but Eric was a doctor. He understood my situation.”
“And yet, he broke up with you.” Brianna’s implacable expression told Shay she had to face facts.
“Right. But—” Shay bit her lip. “It doesn’t matter anyway because I don’t think God wants me to be in a romantic relationship.”
“God doesn’t? Or you don’t, because you don’t want to get hurt again?” Brianna stood, moved around her desk and sank down next to Shay. “Tell me—what would happiness look like to you?”
“Living on my farm with a family,” Shay replied with a promptness that surprised her. “Helping kids during the day, sharing life with someone.”
“A family.” Brianna paused to let that sink in. “In that world you’re safe because you’ve got everything under control. Only you don’t, do you? Because life isn’t like that. It’s messy and things happen when you least expect them. Like Nick kissing you.” She smiled. “You can’t preprogram your life because you’re afraid, darlin’. And you have to stop expecting you can revert back to the woman you were before the stalker.”
“Then what do I do?” Shay demanded, frustrated.
“Stop trying to keep yourself safe.” Brianna shook her head when Shay tried to interrupt. “Face your fears, sweetie. It’s time.”
“You’re saying I should go with Nick and watch the meteor shower?” Heat scorched her cheeks at the thought of it. “What if he…kisses me again?”
“Would that be so terrible?” Brianna asked.
“What if he kisses me and I end up in the middle of the desert, cowering under a cactus? What then?”