It's Not a Date

by Heather Blackmore

  Making mostly unintelligible sounds, interspersed with an occasional “oh” or “God” or “yes,” Jen climbed until she shattered, left to a blissful state of satisfaction, muscles spent and weak.

  Kade crawled next to her on the bed, delivering soft kisses to her temple, shoulder, underneath her chin, along her throat.

  Jen tenderly brushed some hair out of Kade’s face and acknowledged to herself the wonder she was feeling. “What did you just do to me?”

  “I think the more appropriate question is: shall I do it again?”

  Jen smiled and held Kade’s chin in her palm. “Not until I’ve had a chance to memorize every inch of your body with my mouth.” Jen kissed her leisurely at first, taking time to savor their connection and let her body recover. But tasting herself on Kade’s lips was a powerful restorative, and as she began to feel reinvigorated, she kissed her more passionately and scooched them until they were lengthwise on the bed. She rose onto her elbows, hovering over Kade, and locked eyes with her. “Let me.” She hadn’t sensed any odd power dynamic between them, any indication that Kade needed to be constantly in charge, but she wanted unrestricted access to her and decided to err on the side of clarity.

  Kade didn’t specifically acknowledge the comment, and she never stopped touching Jen. She simply went along with everything Jen said and did, every silent suggestion and plea Jen made, somehow making it clear without words that she was completely present in the moment and fully expected Jen to be as well.

  Jen worked her way down Kade’s neck and clavicle, using lips, tongue, and teeth to express her unadulterated enjoyment of every aspect of Kade’s body. Her breasts in particular, weighty handfuls of smooth, creamy flesh, deserved careful perusal. She swirled her tongue around the puckered skin of Kade’s areola before sucking the nipple into her mouth. Kade was on the quiet side as lovers went, and Jen appreciated slightly more verbal feedback, so she decided to say something. Kade had expressed no hesitation in meeting her lover’s needs, so why not incentivize her?

  Jen grazed Kade’s nipple with her teeth. “Do you like that?” Jen asked, substituting her fingers for her mouth while she spoke. With her dazed, unfocused eyes, Kade managed to find Jen’s and nod. “Tell me,” Jen said. “Tell me how I’m making you feel.” Jen took Kade’s breast into her mouth.

  “I can’t…mmm…concentrate. When you…oh…”

  “Should I stop?”

  Kade raised her head. “God, no.”

  Jen smiled and continued lavishing Kade’s ample chest with attention, but she let her hand drift lower, and then lower still. As she teased Kade’s sex, Jen felt Kade tighten, and she heard a more ragged edge to her breathing. She slid a finger along Kade’s wetness and heard her breath catch. “Tell me.”

  “Feels…good…so good. Please.” Kade gripped Jen’s head, and Jen could tell she was fighting an internal battle between trying not to clutch too tightly and being absolutely unwilling to let go.

  Jen pushed inside, deep and slow, and Kade moaned. Jen kept up outside pressure with her thumb, set a steady rhythm between Kade’s legs, and laved her breasts with her tongue.

  “Yes…there…that’s…” Kade’s muscles clenched, and her breath held for a moment before she cried out in release.

  Jen shifted higher and rested along Kade’s side, half on Kade, half on the bed. With her fingertip, she drew a languid line down her nose, lips, chin, and throat. Propped on her elbow, resting her head on her hand, she kept her eyes on the movement of her finger, watching as it traced haphazard patterns across Kade’s face. “You’re beautiful.”

  Kade grabbed Jen’s hand and kissed the traveling digit. She leaned forward and kissed Jen on the mouth.

  “What are you thinking?” Jen asked.

  Kade took Jen’s hand and interlaced their fingers. “Let’s stay local. Skip the drive. Picnic in the park. Maybe rent a couple of beach cruisers and bicycle around the lake. Dinner here or at a place you like.” Kade caressed Jen’s cheek. “More…vocalization lessons.” Light danced in Kade’s eyes, and Jen blushed, hot.

  “Best idea ever,” Jen said, lifting their combined hands and kissing Kade’s. “Let’s start now.”

  Chapter Eleven

  In the late afternoon, Jen lent Kade a T-shirt, athletic shorts, and a baseball cap. She packed a blanket and an insulated lunch bag into a backpack, and they stopped by a deli to grab food for their outdoor picnic. They rented bicycles and meandered along a path through the woods before settling down on a flat, grassy area close to the lake.

  As Jen unpacked their food, she removed a bottle of sunscreen, even though the hottest sun of the day had passed. She held it up with a salacious grin. “Need me to do you?”

  Kade snatched it out of her hands and kissed her, laughing the entire time. “You’re terrible. And yes, I do.” With a wink, she added, “But not here.”

  “You’re very easygoing about your sexuality in public. Is that because no one recognizes you in a baseball cap and ponytail?”

  “I wouldn’t care if they did.”

  “I don’t remember reading about the fact that you’re a lesbian.”

  “Need more proof?” Kade held a grape between her teeth and shared it, stealing an awkward kiss as Jen took half with her mouth. She chewed and swallowed. “Exactly what kind of reading were you doing?”

  Jen flushed. “I kinda Googled you after Maui.”

  “Stalker,” Kade said before sampling the salad.

  “Seriously. You’re a big fish in a small pond. I would think your sexuality would have hit the blogosphere, with jealous misogynist homophobes spewing all kinds of vitriol about a woman’s place being in the kitchen and what not. The fact that you’re succeeding as a woman, and as a gay woman, is enough to prompt Internet chatter in Silicon Valley, at the very least.”

  “I think I’d actually have to be with a woman to start said rumor mill.”

  Jen swallowed a bite of chow mein. “When was your last relationship?”

  Kade kept her eyes on Jen but didn’t respond.

  “What, there are so many, you can’t keep track?”

  Kade shook her head. “I’ve never been in one.”

  Stilling her fork mid-air, Jen stared at her as if Kade’s nose had grown several inches. “I’m not talking long or even healthy. When’s the last one that lasted even a month?”

  Kade shook her head again.

  Jen half-smiled, definitely feeling the sting of Kade not trusting her with this information, which she didn’t consider particularly revealing. Dropping her utensil into the plastic container, she covered Kade’s hand with her own. “Kade, if something’s too personal or private, just tell me. I will totally respect that. But please don’t lie to me.”

  Kade withdrew her hand, and there was no mistaking the hurt in her eyes. “I’m not.” She set her fork down and grabbed her half-full water bottle. She stood and wiped off her shorts. And then very quietly, she said, “I wouldn’t.” She walked toward the water fountain, ostensibly to fill her bottle, which didn’t need it.

  Jen watched her distractedly, not really seeing. Shocked. If Kade had said she could get an elephant to walk a tightrope or Congress to balance the budget, Jen might have believed her. But this was beyond comprehension. Kade was thirty-three, successful on any scale, smart, sweet, and sexy as hell. And good God, great in bed. It defied logic that she’d never been in a relationship.

  Yes, she worked too much, which would be challenging for a lover. And yes, she was quirky when it came to time management. But even her obsessiveness on that front seemed very manageable. Jen herself had seen Kade make last-minute calendar adjustments that were no different from what others would do. And when she took the day off, which Jen was experiencing for the second time, Kade barely checked her phone. It’s like she simply needed to mentally prepare for what came next, and then she was fine with it.

  Jen owed Kade an apology. She desperately wanted to understand why Kade prevented herself from getting clo
se to anyone, but right now she needed to set things right. Quickly lidding their food, she followed the path Kade had traversed and found her propped against a tree, looking out at the water. Jen walked over to her and grasped for her free hand, but Kade moved it and held the bottle in both hands. “I’m sorry I assumed you were lying.”

  Kade didn’t react, although her jaw muscles clenched.

  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” Jen said, hoping to get through.

  Kade said nothing.

  “I see so much in you, it’s hard for me to understand why you haven’t been with anyone.”

  “Let’s finish lunch and head back,” Kade said, pushing off the tree and walking back to the blanket, effectively cutting off conversation.

  They sat quietly, Kade pushing some noodles around her paper plate, Jen eating while watching Kade not take another bite.

  “Are you not going to talk to me any more today?” Jen asked, frustrated with herself and with Kade. “I said I’m sorry and I meant it. Will you please forgive me?”

  Kade looked skyward, as if it might contain whatever guidance or strength she felt she needed right now. She set down her plate and took a sip of water. Then she shifted her eyes to Jen. “Apology accepted. If anything, I should consider it a compliment that you think I could ever be in a relationship. But here’s the truth, and once I say this, I don’t want to revisit it, and I hope you’ll respect that.

  “The people I’ve cared about most in this world are the ones I’ve hurt the deepest. My father lost his job because of me, my mother lost my father because of me, we both lost the man he once was because of me, and my best friend…” Kade’s voice had grown softer and softer until it broke with emotion. Her eyes glistened. “My best friend lost her life because of me. I won’t let myself hurt anyone else.” Kade tucked her knees against her chest, her arms wrapped around them protectively.

  Jen’s heart broke. The pain Kade lived with and her guilt were massive weights crushing her ability to see herself in a different light, to see herself as Jen did. She could no longer stay away, no matter how stiff and unapproachable Kade made herself. She positioned Kade between her knees so Kade’s back rested against her chest. Jen put her arms around her and held her. She would hold her for as long as Kade allowed.

  * * *

  The rest of the afternoon passed in near silence. Their late lunch and return bike ride meant it was pushing five o’clock by the time they arrived at Jen’s. Kade was subdued, and Jen didn’t know what to say or do to bring back the lightheartedness and playfulness that had been present earlier in the day. She feared Kade would call an early end to their time together. And she was right.

  “I should go,” Kade said almost as soon as they entered Jen’s house.

  Jen walked up to Kade and put her arms around her. “That wasn’t our deal. I have you until tomorrow morning.” She felt faint stirrings of hope when Kade slid an arm around Jen’s waist and rested her chin on her shoulder.

  “I’m not very good company,” Kade said.

  “The good news is, I am.” Jen kissed Kade’s nose. “I have ways of taking your mind off whatever’s got you in a funk.”

  Kade smiled halfheartedly. “Yes, you do.”

  “Shall I use them? I don’t want to pressure you if you really want to leave. But I’d love it if you’d stay.”

  Kade sighed and took both Jen’s hands in hers. “I want to stick to our deal. If I say I’ll do something, I want to do it.”

  Jen fought hard to maintain a neutral expression and not pull away, though Kade’s words stung. She wanted Kade to stay because of her, not out of some sense of duty.

  Kade lightly tucked some strands of hair behind Jen’s ear. “Mostly, though, if I’m being honest, I want to stay because of you.”

  Jen felt the rejuvenating effect of those words immediately, as if she were taking her first drink of water after days in the desert. Had Kade read her mind? How much could Kade see?

  Kade tenderly ran two fingers from Jen’s cheekbone to her jawline, then slid them across Jen’s lips. She softly kissed the mouth she’d just touched. “So, Miss Funk-eraser, what do you have in mind?”

  How did Kade keep finding ways to nestle into Jen’s heart even more fully than she already had? Kade managed to approach the very crux of her from new angles and sneak into tucked-away places during the light of day.

  Jen tugged Kade behind her and indicated that she sit at the kitchen table. “Time for my secret weapon.” She left the room briefly and returned with her prize, which she set on the table.

  “Boggle?” Kade asked. “Boggle is your secret weapon?”

  Jen really didn’t care what they did, as long as it got Kade’s mind off her somber thoughts. Well, she did care, and she had very specific ideas of how she could get Kade’s mind onto other, more intimate things, but they needed a bit of a segue before jumping back into bed. As Jen grabbed two pens and memo pads from the junk drawer, she said, “My grandma loves this game. She taught me when I was young and always beat me until my vocabulary improved, sometime around high school.” She set the items on the table and went about pouring each of them a glass of white wine from the fridge. “Then at least I had a chance. We’ll see how I fare against the likes of Kadrienne Davenport.”

  “Do you two still play?”

  Jen shook her head. “Her mind’s not as sharp as it used to be, and she has trouble concentrating. Books, games, puzzles—they’re tough for her. So you’ll have to be her stand-in.” Jen served the wine and sat across from Kade.

  “I get the feeling no one could do her justice.”

  “She’s definitely special. But so are you.”

  “Special as in ‘unique’ or ‘different,’ like my horrific perm in eighth grade?”

  Jen laughed. “Unique and different, for sure. But more like a unicorn or fairy.”

  “How often do you see her?”

  “I try to see her several times a week, at least. She doesn’t always recognize me, which can be hard. But I know who she is.”

  “Part of her probably perceives you’re there.”

  “I’ll never find out, and I don’t need to. I’m in her heart, and she’d do the same for me. I wish you could meet her.”

  “Why can’t I?”

  “A single day, remember?” Jen had been purposely brushing the idea aside, much preferring to think of their time together as a beginning, not an end. She wasn’t deluding herself that Kade would change her mind. But Kade made her happy, and she wanted to give herself over to those feelings instead of concern herself with something outside her control.

  Kade nodded. “I’m sorry it can’t be longer.”

  “It can if you want it to be.” It was the extent to which Jen would push.

  “It’s not about what I want.”

  Jen covered Kade’s hand with hers. Kade seemed so earnest, like she wanted to give them a chance. This was bittersweet for Jen, the idea that Kade wanted more from their relationship yet seemed resigned to a different outcome. “I know. And while I disagree with where you stand on the subject, I understand it. At least I’m trying to. And since I have you for a little while longer, I intend to make the most of it.” Jen handed the plastic cube to Kade for her to randomly mix up the letters so they could play. “Shake. You know the rules?”

  “I think so,” Kade said as she shook the pieces. “We get until the sand timer runs out to write down all the words we find using letters from adjacent cubes. Three letters long or more, the longer the better in terms of points.” Kade shimmied the letters until they fell into place and set the cube down. She gave Jen a try-to-beat-me look. “Good luck.”

  Turning the sand counter upside down to start the game, Jen said, “I won’t need it.”

  Two games later, Jen’s prescient words left Kade arguing for a different result. “Deedy is not a word,” she said.

  “It is too a word. It means industrious or earnest.”

  “If that’s a word, then so is dee
v.”

  “You do not get credit for folklore. It’s not in our chosen dictionary.”

  “I think your dictionary and rules leave a bit to be desired. Best three out of five?”

  “No. We said two out of three. I win.”

  “What’s the prize?”

  “I’ve already won it,” Jen said as she stood and extended her hand to Kade.

  Kade took it. “Bragging rights?”

  Jen pulled her up. “Oh, I’ve won much more than that,” Jen said as she led Kade toward her bedroom. “Exploration rights.”

  “If this is what I get for losing, why would I ever want to win?”

  “I thought you liked to come out on top.”

  “You realize there’s no dignified response to that,” Kade said as Jen stopped her at the foot of the bed.

  “Yes. I’m counting on a raunchy one,” Jen said, tugging Kade’s shirt off over her head. “Don’t disappoint me.”

  Kade pushed Jen onto the bed, swiftly following and covering her with her body. She grinned lasciviously before dropping out of view. Before Jen could question where she was going, fingers curled into Jen’s waistband and stripped her. A wet, hot mouth was between her legs, a talented tongue working her center. Taking. Delivering.

  Neither Kade’s response nor Jen’s position was refined, and the indecency of the entire scene quickly stoked Jen’s arousal higher and higher. Board games as foreplay. Who knew?

  * * *

  Since they’d eaten lunch so late, they weren’t too hungry for dinner, but with their recent workout, they both wanted a snack. Jen sliced the baguette and cheese they’d purchased at the deli, while Kade rinsed some blueberries, opened a bag of marcona almonds, and refilled their wineglasses. Jen placed the food on a tray and carried it into the living room. Kade followed, beverages in hand. Although it was too warm for a fire, Jen went all Girl Scout on Kade and decided to start one anyway. She pressed a button on the wall, and the gas fireplace alighted. “Ambiance,” she said as she joined Kade on the floor, giving her a quick kiss on the mouth.