by Gail Haris
That gets my attention. I quickly turn to face him. His eyes twinkle in the darkness, almost as bright as the stars above.
“Promise me that you’ll never settle. Don’t settle in any relationship because you don’t think you deserve more. Don’t give up on your dreams. And please, don’t dismiss how amazing you are. You’re as bright and as beautiful as those stars shining through the darkness. A trillion miles away, yet they light up our night sky with their beauty.”
“Jonah-” He simply smiles and shakes his head, while holding up one finger. “Okay. I promise.” I smile. “No settling. And I won’t give up.”
He leans forward and brushes his lips against mine. I’m too shocked to move, which causes him to lean farther into me, applying more pressure to my lips. His tongue seeks entrance into my mouth and the contact causes me to gasp, which grants him access. Fingers curl in my hair and massage my scalp. His hand cups the back of my head and tilts it to give him more control over my mouth. He’s so gentle, yet so in control and demanding. I tentatively touch my tongue to his and cup the nape of his neck.
But it’s wrong. It doesn’t feel right.
Jonah clearly knows how to kiss, and it’s nice. But I don’t feel the electricity. The excitement. The all-consuming passion. The sound of footsteps causes me to snap back to reality. Why am I still letting him kiss me?
I know why. I’m waiting to see if a jolt will kick through me. If anything, Jonah just proved that Trent is the only one who makes me melt.
Grateful for the darkness that blankets us, I pull away and open my eyes. His eyes seem to burn brighter as I stare back into them. I’m sure my eyes are stunned, while his are bright with excitement. Proof that the chemistry I have for Trent can’t be forced.
Jonah clears his throat, but his voice still sounds gravelly when he speaks, “They’re loading the bus.” He stands, and then helps me get to my feet. He doesn’t release my hand, but instead, he gently squeezes it, when I start to pull away. Leaning toward my ear, he whispers, “I wanted you to know how I feel about you in case there might ever be a chance for an us. But I’ll be whatever you’ll let me. Whether that’s…” He lets it hang in the air. Then says, “or just a class partner.” He nudges my shoulder with his. I look over, and he winks at me. “For now.”
The next day, Trent comes by the dorm to pick me up for dinner. I haven’t told him about the kiss, yet because I need to tell him in person. When he walks in the room, he’s carrying a brown bag. I eye it suspiciously.
“Whatcha got there?”
Without a word, he hands me the bag. I can’t read his expression, so I slowly accept it and sit the bag on my bed and peak inside.
There’s a thick maroon leather-bound book. I pull it out and open it. It’s a photo album. I flip through the book, and it’s all photos of me. Some are of me with Landon. Some are of me with a group of people. The recent photos are of me with Alice. There’s several of me and Trent. The last two pages are of me at the ultrasound. I didn’t even realize he’d taken photos. “What’s this?”
“I’ve been working on it since you first let me know you didn’t think I felt the same about you. These are a couple of my favorite memories. And I find it ridiculous for you to think I’d never noticed you or looked at you that way.” He points to one of the photos of me smiling. “Your smile. I love all your smiles. The little smirks, the bitchy ones, and the full-on smiles that stretch across your face, those blow me away. The sight of your beautiful smile makes me go senseless every time.”
I gently lay the book on the bed and narrow my eyes at him. “What do you mean, ‘the bitchy ones?’ I don’t have a bitchy smile!”
He laughs, taking my hand and tugging me out of my dorm room. “Landon used to refer to it as ‘code red’ because you wear red lipstick, and it’s the first sign before you’re about to attack.” I laugh, remembering how he’d mumble that, sometimes, while watching me. He didn’t have to tell Trent that though. As we’re standing in front of the elevator, I squeeze his hand. “Thank you, Trent. That was really sweet. Not about the bitch smile, but all the other stuff.”
“I’m just getting started. I have a lot to make up for. I’ve been a dumbass.”
I shrug. “I won’t argue that.”
“And there’s the bitchy smile.”
As we’re on our way to the restaurant, he asks how my class project went last night. It’s now or never. I take a deep breath and curl my fingers together. “The project went fine, but the bus ride was rough. On the way there, a few of Maggie’s friends teased me about my pregnant body.”
“They body shamed you for being pregnant? Idiots.”
“Jonah was supportive and had my back.”
“I bet he did,” Trent mumbles, under his breath.
“It’s just that on the way back, it was awkward because…” I take one more deep breath. Trent quickly takes his eyes off the road to look at me and frowns.
“What happened? Did they do something else?”
“Eyes on the road.”
He looks back and huffs. “Well?”
“They didn’t, but he did. It’s nothing, so please don’t get mad. I’ve handled it.”
“Okay…and what did you handle?” His knuckles turn white as he grips the steering wheel.
“Jonah kissed me. It was nothing. I don’t think it meant anything.” That’s a lie. I know it meant something.
Trent remains silent. We pull into the parking lot of the restaurant, and he turns the key, shutting off the car.
Silence.
I jump when I hear a car horn blare in the distance. I take a couple of deep breaths and try to settle my nerves. He finally speaks in an eerily calm voice. “Did you want him to kiss you?”
I don’t hesitate. “No. But I also forgave him.”
He nods in thought. His voice carries a hint of uncertainty and… jealousy when he speaks again. “I hope that I’m the only one you want to kiss you. You’re the only one I want kissing me.”
His eyes hold so much vulnerability, it’s hard to believe this is Trent Randall. He’s always been so confident and invincible.
“You are.” I hold his eyes as I say, “Things are different between us, but in a good way. I’m not that naïve girl, throwing herself at your feet, begging for your attention.” I can feel my bitchy smile make its grand appearance.
Trent gives me a lopsided grin, and his eyes stare intently into mine. “No, you’re not.” He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door. Before he slides out, he turns to me and says, “But if he ever kisses you again, without your permission, I’ll break his jaw. That’s all I’m going to say on the matter.” He climbs out and shuts the door.
I open my door, and Trent is right there to help me out. He places his hand on my lower back and whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my back, “Now you’ve got me begging at your feet.”
Trent doesn’t take me to my dorm room after our dinner. I don’t ask any questions when he pulls into his duplex’s driveway. We exit the car in silence. He takes my hand back and leads me to the front door. He unlocks it with one hand and holds it open for me. As soon as I cross the threshold, he takes my face firmly in his hands. He kicks the door shut while still kissing me passionately. Without breaking contact, he leads me to his bedroom. We hungrily feed off each other. Our clothes can’t be removed fast enough. We use our bodies to try and express our emotions. This time is as passionate and exciting as all the other times, yet so different. He seems to take greater care in the way he worships my body. His eyes stare into mine so deeply that his look alone is going to crumble any chance of keeping my heart intact. Every part of my body is being consumed by Trent Randall. He whispers in my ear, “God, I love you.” He nuzzles my neck and places a tender kiss on the delicate skin. “I love you, Rachel.”
The next morning, I wake up to a still-sleeping Trent. A very nude Trent. I’m a little ashamed since I had sworn to my father that I was not ‘shacking up.’ I want to ask Trent if h
e meant what he said last night or if it was in the heat of the moment.
He told me he loved me.
He’s never told me those words. I’ve dreamed of the day he would. I said them to him once, after our first time together. But I’ve thought them every time I’ve seen him. I’d told Landon, plenty of times, I was in love with Trent. In middle school, I wrote it on every folder I owned. I’m a coward, so I’m not going to ask him if he meant those three words. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he didn’t mean it.
I’m surprised when I hear a groan. “Why are you awake so early?”
“I have to go to the REC center. I work this morning.”
“I guess my first priority today should be providing food for the woman carrying my child?” His arm is thrown over his eyes, but I can tell they’re still closed.
I smile and agree that’s a good priority. “Glad you have your priorities in order. I’ll go get freshened up, while you get that taken care of.”
Before I can crawl out of bed, two strong arms wrap around me. Trent purrs against my ear. “My priorities might not be completely in order. I have an urgent matter to attend to.”
I giggle when he gently lays me back down with kisses. I struggle to get back up, but he pins me down. “I’ve got to be at work in an hour.”
He assures me that it’s plenty of time as he nips my ear. I start to try again to leave the bed, but he whispers, “I meant what I said…last night. I love you.”
I fall back down against the pillow. His hand cups by cheek and those sapphire eyes bore into mine. “I love you.”
A week has passed since the kissing under the stars’ incident. Jonah has acted like it never happened when I see him, which I’m grateful for, because, as easy as it would be to fall in love with Jonah, Trent will always own my heart. I value Jonah’s friendship, so I’m grateful that we can move on and remain friends. I’m in my dorm room studying for an upcoming English test, when there’s a knock at the door.
“Hello,” I huff out.
“Hey…um, you okay?” Jonah asks.
“Yeah, just out of shape. Got a little extra weight.”
“Ha, slow down and take it easy.” There’s a pause. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Well, looks like I won’t be avoiding that awkward conversation after all. I nod and open the door for him to come in. “What’s up?”
Instead of saying anything, he leans in and kisses me. I pull back. “No, Jonah,” I rush out.
He pulls back, and hurt is evident on his face. I begin to tell him I’m sorry, but I’m not. I’m not sorry that I’m telling him ‘no.’ One, it’s my body. I’m not sorry if his feelings are hurt; he needs to stop trying to kiss me. I won’t feel guilty for pushing him away. He should be sorry.
“I don’t understand, Rachel. I don’t get it. Why are you with him? Because of this baby? That’s not a reason. I care about you deeply, and I would love your baby.”
“I’m with Trent because I love him. I’ve always loved him. I care about you, but not the way I do Trent. I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea because that wasn’t my intention.”
He places his hands on his hips. “I just thought.” He shakes his head and holds a hand out. “I just thought if I swooped in and kissed you, maybe I’d sweep you off your feet. Maybe you’d feel something.”
“You’ve been a wonderful friend to me. You have no idea how much I appreciate our friendship.” I wrap my arms around him for a goodbye hug.
Slowly, his hands begin to caress my back, and before I realize what’s happening, he whispers, “one last time.” Then his lips are on mine. Instead of a simple kiss, he’s making sure it counts, like he wants to permanently mark me.
I push against him and growl against his mouth. “Jonah! NO!”
The door bursts open, and Trent charges in, heading straight for Jonah. He yanks him away from me by his shirt collar. “I heard her tell you, no,” he venomously snarls.
Then I watch, in horror, as Trent pulls his fist back and connects with Jonah’s jaw. The ugly sound that I hear makes no mistake that he kept his promise and broke his jaw. Blood drips from Jonah’s mouth, and his eyes look stunned. “She told you ‘no,’ more than once. She told you she’s with me. I heard everything. I tried to allow you the chance to walk away with your dignity.” Trent releases his hold on Jonah’s shirt and allows him to collapse on the ground.
Trent turns to me, wearing a pained expression. “I tried to let you handle it. I’m sorry. But,” he stabs his finger down at Jonah, “he wasn’t going to give up. He wasn’t going to back off because he’s a pushy dick.” He turns to stare in disbelief and disgust at Jonah. “Who forces themselves on a pregnant woman?”
Jonah holds his jaw and stands. He wobbles and sways, for a bit. Once he’s gained some balance, we watch him leave my room, without a word or second glance. I cross my arms and hug myself. Trent sighs and slowly approaches me. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.
“I punched him for being a dick, but honestly, I deserve it, as well. I’ve been acting like one way longer than him.”
Wiping a stray tear from my eye, I debate if I should check on Jonah. But this just needs to end. I hate that I feel like I lost a friend.
Trent had just left, when Alice walks in to the room. I’m closing up my books before my next class and cafeteria shift.
“There’s a Wellness Support Group here on campus. I used to attend, quite a bit, and still do, occasionally. Rachel, you could really benefit from it.”
I stare dumbfounded at Alice. She can’t be serious. I’m not about to talk about my issues to a bunch of strangers. What if I see these people again on campus?
“Please. It’s a general support group, but they discuss everything: anxiety and depression, stress, alcohol and drug addiction, LGBTQ, ministry and faith, sexual assault, minority rights, and people who are just trying to figure out who they are. Go with me.”
“Go with you? So, I’m not expected to contribute?”
“That’s not the best attitude, but correct. You can simply listen.” I grunt, but before I can say anything, she holds up her hands and continues, “Wait—I know that it sounds scary. But it might help. You’re still grieving, and your world has been turned upside down. I know what that’s like. This group has really helped me.”
I stand up from my bed and begin packing my backpack. “I have work and class anyway.”
“It’s a night group. I can pick you up after your shift at the cafeteria.” When I don’t say anything, she continues, “go for me?”
Pulling my arm through the strap of my backpack, I level her with a stare. “I’ll go, but this isn’t going to be me confessing all my feelings and secrets.”
Alice and I enter the small room in the University Center building. I don’t recognize a single person, until I hear her.
“What is that smell? Did you roll around in grease? I thought you were a dishwasher.”
Alice’s eyes widen, and she whispers to me, “Maggie has never come to one of these.”
I cross my arms and face Maggie. “You know, I can only tolerate so much. I’m a good person, not a saint.”
“What does that have to do with how you smell?”
I bite my fist and take five deep breaths. “I work in a kitchen. It smells. My point is, I’m going to go over there and sit down. I’m going to try and be civil, but your unbelievably rude personality is already proving to be a bigger challenge than expected.”
Before she can respond, Alice steps between us with a forced smile. “Maggie! What brings you here?”
“Community service hours for my sorority. Plus, it looks wonderful on my resume. I’m helping host by catering with snacks and beverages. Cookie?” Maggie indicates the array of mini sandwiches, chips, and cookies on the table behind her.
Alice declines and then takes me by the arm, leading me away from the she-devil. “We can go and come another time.”
“No.”
�
�No?”
“She’s not going to run me off. I said I’d come with you, and I am sitting through this.”
We take our seat in the circle of about fifteen peers. Maggie stands over by the refreshment table, pretending to be busy with napkins. A woman, who looks to be in her early forties with amber corkscrew curls, a flowy lavender maxi dress, and the brightest honey-colored eyes, enters the room. Her eyes sparkle with kindness and there are a few laugh lines in the corner. Everyone follows her to the chairs that form a circle.
“Hello everyone. I’m so happy to see a few returning faces, and excited to see some new ones, too. For those who I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting yet, I’m professor Williams. I work in the psychology department. But in this room, I’m Zuri. No Mrs. Williams. No Professor. Zuri.” Her smile is so sincere, and her eyes hold a gentleness to them, which makes the tension, I didn’t even know was there, leave my shoulders. No wonder she enjoyed coming here, I’ve just met this woman, and I want to share a conversation with her. “Let’s begin.”
The tension returns. I feel my body tightening and heartrate picking up. Alice said I wouldn’t be forced to contribute, and despite how approachable the lovely Zuri is, the rest of the room doesn’t radiate the same acceptance. My mouth about pops open when Zuri says, “Why don’t we start with our guest. Maggie?”
Maggie smiles and offers a little wave from outside the circle by the food table. “Hello. Thank you all for allowing me to join you all. I’m Maggie.”
“Maggie, thank you for joining us. Please come sit with us.”
“Oh, I’m—”
“Maggie,” Zuri says in a gentle, but firm voice, “Please. We have plenty of room within our circle. You don’t have to alienate yourself. Join us.”