by Gail Haris
“You’re the only one.”
“The only one?”
“It’s only ever been you, Trent.”
He holds me tighter, kisses the top of my head and whispers, “It’s only ever been you, too, Rachel.”
Trent doesn’t come into the gym today because he’s interviewing for an internship. The usual group of guys walk in and I greet each one as I scan their card. Parker is the last one.
“Hey, Beautiful.”
“Hey, Parker.”
“If you want to watch me work out, I won’t tell Trent.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I ask you a serious question? What’s the deal with him? I mean, he’s buff and wealthy, but so is our whole group. Why are two of the hottest girls I know losing their shit over him?”
“Is this about Maggie? I saw you two the other day. It looked like a tense conversation.”
“It’s always tense with Maggie, in case you haven’t noticed. She didn’t use to be this bad. Her folks are having issues.”
“How do you know all this?”
“We’re a tight circle.” Parker looks me in the eyes and raises a brow. “Hopefully, though, Trent will quit making his rounds in the circle.”
I watch Parker walk away. He’s messing with me. I won’t listen to his implication that Trent is sleeping with everyone in their circle. I also won’t give him the satisfaction of riling me up or causing problems between us. After all, he’s team Maggie.
It’s Halloween night. For most young adults that means revealing costumes, drinking and parties all night long. Normally, I’d be in that category, however, under current circumstances, I think this year I’ll have to settle for being the designated driver. I practically forced Alice to leave me in the room. I appreciate her loyalty, but she shouldn’t miss out on these experiences. She can drink and party, without having to worry. I told her she can call me from anywhere, and I’ll come pick her up.
This is probably the first time I’ve really wished I was a normal college student. I feel so lonely in my room. Every now and then, I hear the faint laughter of girls down the hall at the elevator. Probably on their way to a night full of poor choices. I long for my thin body. My own body. I wish, just for tonight, my body wasn’t being shared with another life, and it was all mine. I could go out in a sexy costume, dance and drink.
Instantly, I’m ashamed of myself. Then what? What am I really missing out on? I feel ashamed for wishing I wasn’t pregnant. I’m experiencing a miracle. A life is growing inside of me. What’s wrong with me? I argue with myself that college parties are not all they’re made out to be. It’s hard to argue that you’re not missing out on anything when you’re alone in a dorm room feeling unattractive and unwanted.
There’s a knock at my door. I hold the bottom of my protruding stomach and slide out of bed. I pray that it’s not any college Halloween pranksters. If anyone scares me, right now, I’m afraid I’ll go into labor or the baby will be scarred for life. I’m being over dramatic and ridiculous again. Since I’m only around six months, most likely, I’ll just pee myself.
I open the door to find an empty hallway. I step out and look up and down the hall. No one. Well, that’s creepy. As I turn to close the door, my eyes widen in horror at the printed image taped to my door. It’s me walking on campus. My hair is in a messy bun, my clothes are loose fitting, and I’m not wearing makeup. However, the photo’s been edited to make me look dramatically worse. The top of the page reads: Need a costume idea? This year’s best is Pregnant Slut Zombie.
I swallow my urge to scream. I snatch the paper off my door and begin roughly ripping the paper into a thousand pieces. I feel tears on my cheeks, but ignore it, as I continue to violently shred the offending paper into as many pieces as possible. Two strong hands take hold of me and prevent my wrists from moving. I struggle to go back to destroying the humiliating item. Finally, I register a voice is calling my name. I growl and look up. Trent.
“Let me go!”
“You’re bleeding,” he states, in a calm but firm voice.
I gasp and look down. At first, I’m terrified it’s from the baby. I’d heard that’s an early sign of miscarriage. He shakes my wrists. “You’re hurting yourself. What happened?”
I look to my hands. There are angry paper cuts all over my fingers and palms. My eyes blink rapidly. I look around me, and there are tiny paper shreds everywhere, some with tiny red smudges. Hearing my name again, I look up at Trent’s beautiful eyes that are full of concern. “A prank. Someone left a photo of me as the joke.” I swallow and feel my neck and face redden with shame. “I’m a joke.”
The realization sets in. What am I doing? I’m a joke. I should transfer to the community college back home. I clearly don’t belong here.
“Stop.” His voice is hard. “I mean it. Stop right now. Whatever ridiculous notions you’ve got going through your head…stop. The joke is that there are ignorant and immature people in college.”
Trent gently leads me back into my room and quietly shuts the door behind us. Once he sits me on the bed, he walks back over to the sink. I hear him shuffle around and then comes back holding a First Aid Kit. The bed dips when Trent sits next to me.
“I’m fine,” I grumble.
“Of course, you are. Shredded pieces of paper scattered on the floor, tears, and blood. Completely fine.” Even though he’s grumbling, the sarcasm is loud and clear. I try to pull my hand away, but he takes it firmly in his. He takes an antibacterial wipe and dabs my cuts. I release a hiss and try to pull my hand free. “Hold on.” He gently brings my hand to his lips, and goosebumps cover my skin as I feel him blow. “It only stings for a second.”
He’s right. I don’t even notice the pain anymore. Most likely because I’m focusing on his lips and him on my bed. Trent gently tends to each little cut. They’ve already stopped bleeding and will most likely feel like a nuisance, rather than any real pain the rest of the week. When he’s finished, he keeps a hold of my hand. My fingers look so skinny in his hand. It’s almost comical at how tiny my hand is compared to his. Our eyes connect, and the emotions, swirling in his, cut me deeper than any of those papercuts. My emotions are bleeding out, and I feel like I have as many papercuts on my hand as I do on my heart. I slide my hand free and turn my head away.
Trent takes the medical kit and used cloths to the sink. Then he walks over to my television. I watch him put a movie in the DVD player. I hadn’t even noticed him bring it in. Then he walks over to my microwave and begins popping popcorn. Judging by the previews, this is an old movie. From my position on the bed, I can’t tell what the cover is of the DVD sitting on my desk.
I feel the bed dip and accept some of the popcorn. We lean our backs against the wall and nibble on popcorn, watching the previews play. Then the opening credits of the movie begin, and I burst out laughing. It’s an old Halloween movie that we used to watch at his house every year. Technically, Landon and I watched it every year, but Trent would join in with us, if he was around. Denise wasn’t allowed, for the longest time, until her parents felt she was old enough.
Last year, Alice watched it with us. Trent was there, too. It was nice, all of us together. Now that I think about it, Trent has watched it almost every time. He always acted as though he was casually passing through the house, but would join us last minute. Even after he left for college. Has he not been participating in college Halloween parties? The thought had never occurred to me.
“I watched this every year with Landon,” I say, even though he already knows.
“I know. That’s why I came home. You always jumped and got scared.” He gives me a lopsided grin. “That’s when I learned that scary movies are the best. You always ended up in my lap. The gentlemanly thing to do was to hold and protect you.”
I smile to myself because I always pretended to be more scared than I was when Trent was there. I’m surprised he never caught on that I was overdoing it. I mean, it was the same movie every year. He was always there
to hold me, though.
A few minutes into the movie, Trent slides closer and wraps an arm around me. I narrow my eyes and look at him from the side. “What are you trying to pull, Trent Randall?”
He pulls me closer to him, and I’m practically on his lap. “I don’t think you can jump as high now.” I slap his chest, but I still snuggle closer. He chuckles, holding me tightly. He’s right; scary movies are the best.
I start to feel stiff, but when I start to get off him, he holds me in place, resting his cheek against the top of my head and says, “When we touch, I feel this electricity course through my body. It was zinging the first time I held you during this movie. I tried to play it off to my raging hormones. The thing is, it’s never gone away. It’s never even calmed down. Do you feel it?”
“Yes. So does our little dragonfly. The baby moves more when you’re around. Maybe it’s all in my head.”
“No. But you do have a lot of mistrust still. I plan to spend the rest of my life, erasing every doubt that I ever placed there. Do you trust me?” I nod. “I need you to believe me. Believe in us.”
Trent slides me off his lap and eases me down on the bed. His large body crawls over mine, and he pours all his emotion into each kiss. His strong body trying to drive out all my doubt and worry. I start to tell him that they’ll still be there tomorrow, but I know I won’t have to tackle them alone. But why stop him? I’ll let him work it out how he needs to. I’m certainly not complaining.
The next morning, I wake up more well-rested than I’ve been in months. Trent is still sleeping peacefully next to me. I take a moment to admire his handsome features. I lightly trace my fingers over his slightly parted lips. My little dragonfly begins stirring and causes my bladder to almost burst. I hurry and slide out of bed to help relieve some of the pressure from my full bladder.
When I exit the bathroom, I realize that Alice never returned to the room. Shit! I was supposed to be her on-call driver. I rush to my phone and check my unread messages.
Alice: Haven’t heard from U?? How’s it goin?
Alice: Hey, are you ok?
Alice: Full moon Halloween night from Trent. Awkward & YUCK! Glad u 2 made up ;)
Alice: Crashing with a teammate 2night. Now I know y I never heard from U ;)
I blush and hurry to type back.
ME: Sorry, I’m a horrible friend!!!! Not sorry I didn’t warn U. LOL! He came trick or treating and I got a treat ;) No craters in that moon.—very nice!
Alice: Well, Good Morning! And EW! That’s my brother.
ME: I bet two years ago, before you ever found out he was your bro, U would’ve thought differently.
Alice: Shut. Up. Talk about weird. Is he still there naked? Can I come back?
ME: As the day he was born. And Nope. Want me to send a pic for proof?
Alice: He has a whole apartment, ya know? Do that… there.
ME: Already have… *kissy face*
I send a quick reply to Jonah to let him know I’m fine, but not sure if I’ll make it to class. I crawl back under the soft covers and snuggle against Trent’s warm body.
After an hour, we both wake up, but we don’t get out of bed immediately. He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t have to. The slow smile that spreads across his face at seeing me, and the tender touch of his hand that begins to caress my body speaks volumes. This time, Trent takes his time with me.
My Exploring the Universe class is having a field trip to go star gazing. I receive a text from Jonah, asking if I need a ride, which I politely decline. I’m going to start limiting my time alone with Jonah since Alice and Trent have pointed out that he might be attracted to me. The last thing I want to do is lead him on. I can’t imagine him being interested in me, especially with how complicated my life is right now, but anything’s possible.
The lecture on this trip is going to tie into our class project and can only be completed at night since it involves mapping the stars. We’re all to meet in the parking lot in front of the building our class is in. When I arrive, Jonah, and most of the class, are already there. He smiles and waves me over, as soon as he sees me approaching. Shortly after I join the group, our professor instructs us to load into the University bus. I hold tightly to the handrail and slowly climb the steep bus steps. I’ve been feeling more self-conscious about my body, the bigger I get. If I was out of school and married, I’m sure I’d be a glowing expectant mother; however, considering my current circumstances and the judgmental glares I receive, I’m glowing from embarrassment.
I feel a strong, warm hand take my arm from above me. I look up to see Jonah’s warm smile. He helps steady me up the last step. Only three steps and I’m out of breath. In my defense, they were steep, and my legs struggle with lifting-up these days. The bus aisle feels claustrophobic, and I struggle making my way down the narrow path. Jonah grabs the first available seat. He slides in first, allowing me to have access to more room, by sitting in the aisle seat. I sit with a huff. A snarky, nasal voice chirps from behind me. “Maybe you should use the emergency exit at the back of the bus next time. It has a wider door.”
I feel my entire body heat from embarrassment. Jonah takes my hand and squeezes it. Giggles and snickers erupt from behind us. Jonah clenches his jaw and begins to rise up from the seat. Quickly, I hold on to his hand and jerk him back down.
“It’s fine,” I mumble.
Another nasal voice asks, “What’s the weight limit on this bus?” More laughter.
Jonah makes a second attempt to stand up. “It’s fine,” I repeat, but more forcefully, this time. I hope he didn’t hear the hurt in my voice. Taking in a deep breath and breathing it out through my lips, I steady my voice and loudly tell Jonah, “I’ve been called worse, but by better.”
The professor boards the bus, and everyone quiets. As the bus begins to sway back and forth down the road, he begins to explain our purpose and tasks for the night. When the bus comes to a stop, out in a field, I let everyone else exit the bus first. My eyes zero in on which ones made the comments. Two pampered and proper looking girls. One was with Maggie the night in the computer lab. She sneers at me when she easily walks by us. Skinny bitch.
She stops and looks down at my stomach. “Poor Trent. It’s a shame everyone knows about his little mistake.”
I stand with a smile. “If you really want to know about mistakes, talk to your parents.” Before she can say another word, I look down at her pants. “Speaking of mistakes…it’s not Halloween. I mean, was this outfit intentional?”
Her lips thin when a few students snicker and whisper, burn. They file off the bus, and Jonah nudges me. “Wow, you really know how to go for the jugular. Don’t let those Barbie wannabes upset you.”
I turn to Jonah and smile. “Says the guy who almost jumped out of his seat to yell at the entire bus. You don’t have to defend me. It’s not your place.”
His eyes turn sad, and he gives me a half-hearted smile. “It’s not, but I want it to be.”
My eyes widen. “Why? What do I have to offer you? I’m a mess. My life’s a mess. I’m a pregnant eighteen-year-old girl. And I have no idea what I’m doing.”
He stares intently into my eyes. The right side of his full lips curve up. It’s his half-smiles that are the most swoon-worthy. “Twenty of us are about to go view the night sky. We’ll all see the same sky through the same telescope, but we’ll share different views. Some will see nothing more than a black sheet covered in bright dots. Some will be fascinated and see a whole other world. Some will be bored, while others are mesmerized. Look up. Right there.” He points to the mirror at the front of the bus that stretches across the top of the windshield. It’s our reflections looking back at us. “It amazes me how you and I are looking at the same girl. I don’t know what you see when you look in the mirror. But, you and I,” he gestures with his finger between the two of us, then he gently cups my cheek with his palm, “we’re seeing the same person, but viewing Rachel Abernathy, completely different. You don’t see yourse
lf the way I do. If you did, you wouldn’t even have to ask such an absurd question.” I’m left speechless. I stare at our reflection. Jonah isn’t looking in the mirror anymore but at my profile. When I don’t answer, he gets up from his seat. He gently takes my hand to help me stand. “Come on. We’re going to miss our assignment.”
Quietly, I follow Jonah off the bus and into the night air. We join the group in the center of the field and listen intently to the instructions. Then, we take turns with the three telescopes set up. I close one eye and squint with the other into the lens. “They’re all running together. I can’t make out anything.”
Jonah leans his head against mine and adjusts the dials on the telescope. “Now try.”
He doesn’t move his head, as I peer back through it. Instead, he keeps his head close to mine, as he places a hand on my lower back. I gasp at the sight, now that I can see more clearly. The stars are breathtaking. “Wow. Incredible.”
Jonah whispers, “Sometimes all you need is someone to show you the right perspective to bring things into focus.” I turn my head, and we are nose to nose. My breath catches. His voice turns husky when he says, “Can you now see the difference in our perspectives?”
“Excuse me?”
“In how you see yourself and how I see you. What you said about the stars when you could finally see them. Really see them. That’s what I think every time I look at you. Incredible. If only there was a lens that I could adjust, for you, when you look in the mirror.”
Before I can speak, we hear someone clear their throat. I quickly make my notes and hurry away from the telescope. A couple of the students are sitting in a huddle on the ground. I walk a few steps past the group and sit down. Jonah comes and sits down next to me. We stare at the heavens above us. Twinkling stars as far as the eye can see. I feel him shift, slightly closer, until our bodies are touching.
“Rachel?” I don’t turn to face him this time. I continue to stare at the vast universe. “Rachel?” he asks again. He clears his throat and says in a low voice, “I have one favor to ask, then I’ll back off.”