Je Suis À Toi

by Pepper Winters

  Pretending we were going to Paris to shop, Suzette and I arranged a day to take the high-speed train to the appointment I’d made in secret.

  I’d researched online for the best fertility clinic and sneakily made a booking three days ago.

  Suzette and I didn’t talk much on the train, and for a second, I pretended life was simple and I was an architectural student again, heading into the city with a girlfriend for lunch, rather than the truth that I was a complicated woman terribly missing her harsh master.

  After hailing a cab, we arrived at the address. Silently, we entered the building where I filled in a few forms and sat in a plush recliner beside Suzette until I was called into the doctor’s office.

  Giving me an encouraging smile, Suzette waited patiently in the sleek waiting room.

  My hands shook as I entered the doctor’s suite and closed the door.

  “Hello, Mrs. Mercer.”

  I’d become so used to French accents, I did a double take finding this woman was English. I didn’t often feel like a stranger in this city, but hearing another foreigner made me a little wistful.

  Facing the medical practitioner, I put my future happiness in her hands.

  Dr. Fellows smiled as my heels clicked on her white tiled floor. The air of the room was entirely clinical with no personality whatsoever.

  I nodded. “Hello.”

  She wasn’t old but she wasn’t young, either. I guessed late forties. Blonde hair tucked neatly into a bun while the lashings of mascara and pink lipstick made her pretty but professional.

  Had she had children of her own? Had she ever gone through this stress of a stubborn husband and floundering sex-life?

  Pointing at a chair beside her desk, she said, “So, from our very brief conversation online, I hear you’re trying to get pregnant but struggling?”

  Sinking onto the seat, I nodded again. “Yes, my husband and I have been trying, but we’re not succeeding. The chore of having sex just to get pregnant is wearing on me and I want to know either way.” I didn’t tell her why I wanted my monster back. Why I was alone without him and desperate for what we used to have. Five weeks was too long not to connect in the way we needed.

  Dr. Fellows scanned her computer, pulling up information on who knew what. “Okay, well we’ll start with a full examination and then we’ll have a chat. How about that?”

  My hackles rose.

  I was happy for her to prod my body but not my mind. Until Q, I was an outcast and uncommon. No one could understand the way I was hardwired. That wouldn’t have changed now I was older. When I was younger, I had no courage to be open about who I truly was. Now, I was wiser, and I didn’t give a rat’s ass what other people thought about me. But blatantly telling this stranger that I missed my husband hitting me and drawing blood? That would mostly cause me to be shipped off to a nunnery and locked up for my safety.

  I’d been locked up far too often in my past by assholes who’d tried to break me. I wouldn’t let it happen again. Then again, this woman was nothing compared to what I’d endured.

  A flicker of abusive men and awful drug-sickness filled my mind.

  My throat closed.

  Oh my God, maybe I’m the reason why I can’t get pregnant?

  Perhaps the rape I’d endured and the drugs I’d been fed had ruined me? Maybe the kicks to my stomach and damage of my physical form had decimated any hope of being able to carry a healthy baby for Q.

  I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought about it before. Why hadn’t I considered it?

  Because you’re so worried about Q thinking it’s his fault that he’s got you convinced.

  Being away from him for the first time in months allowed me to think clearer. What if this was all my fault?

  “Are you okay? What are you thinking about?” Dr. Fellows patted my hand. “You went white just now.”

  Pulling my hand from hers, I smiled weakly. “I’m okay. Just a thought, that’s all.”

  “About your past and what might be obstructing your chances at getting pregnant?”

  I looked at my entwined fingers in my lap. The designer jeans and silver oversized jumper with Hermes scarf labeled me as well off and content, but my fingernails were bitten from the malicious uncertainty of the past few weeks. “A little.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.”

  “What makes you think you’ve done something to affect your chances?”

  I swallowed a caustic laugh. “I have a few things that could.”

  Dr. Fellows narrowed her eyes. “You’re not obligated to tell me, but everything you do will help me make an accurate diagnosis. Don’t be afraid of it leaving this room. I’m bound by client confidentiality, and even if I wasn’t, I don’t believe in gossip.” She smiled. “You can trust me, Mrs. Mercer.”

  Mrs. Mercer.

  I was no longer Tess.

  I could be honest with this woman, and she wouldn’t judge me.

  Forcing courage into my voice, I looked up. “A few years ago, I was kidnapped, sold into slavery, and bought.” By the man I married and the best beast I know. “In a separate incident, I was raped and kidnapped, only to be fed drugs as a way of control and beaten daily.”

  The doctor sucked in a harsh breath. “And you underwent medical help for these incidences?”

  “Yes.” Q’s personal physician. I’d had good care but perhaps not the gynecological care I needed. “However, I’m not sure if all bases were covered.”

  The doctor stood up, brisk efficiency surrounded her rather than judgment. “In that case, no time like the present. Let’s get you on the table and begin.” As she patted the gurney and plastic coverings waiting for me to strip and bare everything to this woman, she added, “I promise you we’ll find the answers. We’ll put your mind at rest, and I’ll help you deal with whatever we find once we get the results. Okay?”

  All my life, I hadn’t latched onto people. I’d been disciplined by parents and a sibling who didn’t want me. I’d learned to rely on myself and not others. Q had made me lean on him, and I’d found a sisterhood in Suzette, but I suddenly wanted to grab this stranger in a huge hug and thank her.

  Fighting the urge, I nodded. “Okay.”

  Feeling stronger and more confident, I didn’t hesitate. Shrugging out of my clothes, I submitted to the consultation.

  The first part of the examination went fine. Dr. Fellows drew blood. Inspected my vitals and kept all opinions from her face as she noticed the brand on my neck and the tattoos on my wrist and finger.

  Thank God, I didn’t come here a few weeks ago when the bruises and cuts from Q’s drunken night still marked me. She might’ve reported me to the women’s shelter and had the police investigate.

  I snuffed a small smile.

  I’d already set the cops onto Q and look how that turned out. Or at least, Brax had. Q had the police in his pocket because he was a goddamn saint with what he did.

  Why couldn’t he see that?

  He was so much better than what he believed.

  As the exam grew more invasive, I trembled, fighting residual memories that I thought I’d worked through so many years ago. Having Q between my legs was welcome. Having his teeth in my flesh and his hand print on my ass was no better joy. But having a woman spread me open for the vaginal examination brought fleeting images of Mexico, Leather Jacket, and the rape before Q killed the man and rescued me.

  “Are you okay?” Dr. Fellows murmured as I shook and clutched the plastic sheet as she finished the Pap smear.

  Biting my lip, I kept my eyes locked on the ceiling. “Uh-huh.”

  Sealing the cotton swab and pulling off rubber gloves, she said, “You can get dressed now. All done.” Pushing back on her wheeled chair, she shot to her desk and placed my swab in an outgoing tray and typed something on her computer.

  I quickly pulled up my knickers and jeans before fluffing my hair and joining her. “How long will it take to know what’s wrong with me?�
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  “That’s the incorrect mindset to have. There is nothing wrong with you, Mrs. Mercer.” Softening her voice, she added, “A few days for the blood-work to come in. However, in the physical examination, I didn’t see anything wrong.” Holding up a plastic cup, she grinned. “Whoops. Almost forgot. Go pee, please. I’ll do a final test before you leave.”

  Eww.

  Dutifully, I took the little container and left her office to head to the ladies’ room at the end of the corridor. After doing what I needed, I returned and tried to fight my embarrassment at handing over such a disgusting thing.

  Slipping more gloves on, Dr. Fellows pulled out a litmus stick and a few other medical paraphernalia and performed the tests right in front of me.

  I watched silently.

  Growing up, I hadn’t had much experience with doctors. I rarely got sick, and if I did, my parents didn’t bother taking me to the GP. I wasn’t sure if I liked having someone looking after me or uncomfortable to be so investigated.

  While waiting for whatever tests to show results, Dr. Fellows typed up a script and handed it to me. “Here are a few vitamins to boost your system to better enable your system to get pregnant. I’ll also refer you to a family planning expert do discuss fertility options if it comes to that.”

  “Thanks.”

  Her eyes drifted to the test. Her face tightened as a smile lifted her lips. “Mrs. Mercer…I have some news for you.”

  “Already?” I strained my neck, trying to see what she did. “What is it? Am I sterile? It’s me, isn’t it? I’m missing something. Well, at least Q can stop beating himself up about it.” And start beating me again. “I’m so sorry for wasting your time. Thanks for your help.”

  Standing, I trembled with a mixture of relief to finally have an answer and terrible sadness that I would never be a mother. I would never be able to give Q what he suddenly desperately wanted.

  Dr. Fellows laughed. “Don’t jump to conclusions. I hadn’t finished.” Pointing at the chair, she commanded, “Please, sit. You might need to when I tell you.”

  “Tell me what?”

  She cocked her chin at the chair, waiting until I sank back down again. “It gives me great pleasure to be the first to tell you this, Mrs. Mercer.”

  Anticipation scraped along my skin as Dr. Fellows held up a stick with two blue lines. “You’re pregnant.”

  * * * * *

  “So? How did it go?” Suzette asked after we’d walked the streets of Paris in silence for half an hour.

  How did it go?

  I was pregnant.

  I’m pregnant.

  Q was right. It was our violent lovemaking stopping us.

  No, that’s wrong.

  Once Dr. Fellows recorded the positive test, she reexamined me, doing a vaginal ultrasound and taking educated guesses.

  Five to six weeks.

  Not four weeks or one week.

  And what had we done five weeks ago?

  Q had come home obliterated and gone rogue. He’d strangled me, bit me, fucked me like the animal he was. And I’d adored every delicious debased second.

  He’d knocked me up while doing the one thing he thought was stopping me from getting pregnant. The past few weeks of tame vanilla had been for nothing. He’d ruined our happy coexistence all because of some pigheaded idiocy.

  Damn man.

  My heart growled all while it bubbled with happiness.

  Suzette pinched my forearm. “Are you going to tell me? Either you’re dying, and that’s why you can’t tell me or…” Her face lit up. “Oh, my God. Are you?” She yanked me to a stop on the streets of Paris. “You’re pregnant?”

  Tears swam in my eyes, making her dance. “I—I—”

  “Oh, you are. You are!” She grabbed me in a massive hug. “Wow, this is…wait until Q knows. Oh my God, Tess, he was right. What he’s done the past few weeks.” Her face fell. She knew how tame my love life had become. And I understood her conclusion. “This will kill him. He’ll never touch you how you want again. He’ll think everything he needs is even more wrong.” She squeezed my hand in consolation. “I’m sorry, mon amie.”

  My face split into a large smile. “I’m not. He had it wrong.”

  He was wrong when he said it was his fault. Wrong that his savage love meant he wasn’t a worthy father.

  I’d proven him otherwise and couldn’t wait to tell him.

  And this time, I’d win and get my beast back.

  She frowned. “What?”

  “Five weeks, Suzette. I’m five or six weeks pregnant. I’m going to say five because it fits better with my story.” I laughed. “What happened five weeks ago?”

  Her forehead furrowed, doing her best to think back that far. “Um…” She shrugged. “No idea.”

  “Q came home drunk…”

  Realisation entered her gaze. “Oh…you guys left the pool room in a mess. Clothes everywhere…your sliced-up yoga band. When I went in the next day, it looked like a water polo fight had happened in there.”

  “Exactly.” Smugness filled me. “The one night he thought he was hurting me so he could protect me from himself was the night he got exactly what he wanted.”

  Happiness blossomed on her face. “So… the past few weeks of boringness are over?”

  I took her hand; full of ideas of how I would tell Q and what I would make him do to me to make up for the past few weeks. “They are. And thank God for that.”

  Happiness I’d never felt before blossomed.

  I’m pregnant!

  With Q’s child.

  We’re a family.

  I’d been pregnant for weeks and not known.

  According to Dr. Fellows, my system had become fertile far sooner than most women who’d been on the injection. She said the blood-work would give an exact conception date but anywhere from seven to five weeks was a good guestimate. It was great news all around. For me, Q, and our marriage.

  There wouldn’t have to be tests or consultations. We’d conceived naturally, and Q could finally have something of his very own.

  Including me, of course.

  The healthy meals Mrs. Sucre had plied us with had given my body a great foundation to form our little monster. And I no longer had to bore myself stupid with vanilla.

  I was surprised Q hadn’t noticed anything different about me.

  Then again, I hadn’t noticed, and I was the one changing. Q wasn’t that observant when it came to my time of the month. He wasn’t a husband to count my days and inform me that any second now I could start bleeding. So my secret would be all the more precious to share.

  “I’m the first to know,” Suzette said. “I’m honoured.”

  “Second.” I smiled. “I was the first. Now, go home. I’m going to stay and plan something in order to tell Q. I’ll be safe.”

  “Can I tell Mrs. Sucre?” Suzette hugged herself. “She’ll burst into tears, I guarantee it. Our master is finally getting a family.”

  I shook my head. “He’s always had a family…you guys.”

  Suzette blushed.

  Clapping my hands, my head raced with ideas for tonight. “Anyway, hold the secret…for now. I want to tell.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t dare.” Suzette pecked my cheek. “Let me know if you need any help with tonight.”

  “I won’t. I’ll call Q and tell him I’m alone in Paris. He’ll come running.”

  Unfortunately, today was Monday, and that meant a big day at work, even though Q was supposed to hand most of the operation to Frederick. He was tied to his business, and I doubted he’d ever be totally free.

  A small wash of nausea rolled through me, reminding me I was lucky to avoid morning sickness up till now. When would that start? Would I have a hard pregnancy or easy?

  So many questions and so much to learn.

  But Q would be there with me every step.

  “WHERE THE FUCK are you?”

  Her voice echoed down the line. “Don’t have a heart attack, Q.”
r />   I’d worry about my heart while she worried about her backside because once I caught her, she’d be punished. Hard.

  You’re not allowed to touch her like that.

  An oath was an oath, no matter how fucking difficult it was to keep. “I asked you a question, Tess. Where abouts in goddamn Paris are you?”

  “I’m safe if that’s what you’re asking. I had an errand to run.”

  Tess never went to Paris without telling me first. She was safe now after I’d slaughtered the bastards from her past, but I never relaxed. Shadows and devils lurked everywhere, and Tess was such an enticement. I hated the fact she’d gone on the train without me. I loathed that she’d enlisted Suzette’s care rather than my own.

  We’d had a few problems the last few weeks.

  But I was still her fucking husband.

  My body vibrated with rage as I clutched the phone. “Why the hell would you do that?”

  “I had my reasons.” Traffic noise honked in the distance. “I’ll tell you but only face to face. I’m calling to see if you want to meet here. Have the night with me in the city?”

  I rubbed a hand over my eyes. My desk was littered with business mergers and recent acquisitions along with expanding more heavily into the orphanage and homeless children charity. I had so much on my plate; my mind had been foggy for weeks. Ever since I started treating Tess with kid gloves, I hadn’t been able to concentrate.

  For the first time since welcoming her into my bed, I wanted to orgasm while away from her. I was tempted to lock myself in the bathroom and squeeze my cock while fantasizing about what I used to do to her. It killed me to touch her so gently. And getting hard while stroking her rather than biting her was a non-winnable mission.

  I loved her. I found her beyond attractive. But not being able to give in to the madness inside screwed me up.

  “You want a night in Paris?” My voice dropped to a growl. Images of kinky pain, pressed against the hotel window, and furious sex in a foreign bed filled my mind.

  Christ, I want to.

  “I can’t.” If I did, I’d fuck her rather than make love to her. I’d hurt her. I’d ruin everything that we’d tried to make. I’d given myself two months since the night in the pool. If she wasn’t knocked up by then, I would submit to doctor’s tests and opinions. I had three more weeks before that happened. I wouldn’t jeopardize it by giving in to what I wanted more than anything. “I have too much work to do.”