Slaves to the Sword
Page 26
[DS1]I missed this before, but this chapter really shouldn’t start here. It’s in the middle of the action, and it doesn’t make any sense. I strongly recommend you change the placement of where this chapter starts.
[DS2]I feel like this would be a more logical place to begin Chapter 20.
[DS3]Please note, you have them get back into the carriage, but further down (I’ve marked it with another note), you have them out of the carriage and walking.
[DS4]Here, they are not “back in the carriage” so you’ll have to fix this.
[DS5]Amri and Endesha were already given warm water to wash themselves in the dungeons. Also, what wounds does Amri have? This is the first mention of him having wounds. I strongly suggest you delete this section of dialogue.
[DS6]Remember, I had mentioned, if the Sefu men can see the color of the boy’s eyes, then Harold can most definitely seen the Sefu men (unless Harold’s eyes float above his head or rest on top of it). You need to remedy this paragraph because it doesn’t make sense as it’s written.
[DS7]I’m sorry, I’m extremely well-versed in battle scenes and battle imagery, and I still have no idea what’s going on here. Honestly, you need to find a better way to describe this. How does Endesha pull this man’s legs behind his knees? Is Endesha pulling them up behind his own knees? Is Endesha pulling them behind his opponent’s knees? I just can’t paint this picture, no matter how hard I try.
[DS8]I strongly recommend you change this sentence. Nobody breaks out into sweats from hatred, and it sounds really weird. On another note, people strongly dislike the word moist (18% of people actually HATE the word—this is real lol) I would suggest the word dampened instead of moistened.
[DS9]I know you want to keep things the same, but I strongly suggest you revisit my notes on this. If he’s unconscious enough to timber-fall forward, he’s not feeling pain. I promise. Also, he wouldn’t be convulsing from pain if he’s not conscious (which is why people are put to sleep for surgery). Lastly, there’s been no suggestion that there was any major open wound or abrasion on the knight, so if you want to maintain that he’s bleeding, you need to say why he’s bleeding. Falling onto a hay covered floor wouldn’t break skin, or crack a skull. Once again, please refer to my notes. Readers notice when the dot’s don’t connect.
[DS10]I think you should change this to teeth or maw. Jowls are actually on the outside of the mouth, to either side of the chin, and don’t hold food.
[DS11]Sorry! I removed blue-eyed because there’s no possible way that everyone in Harkstead has blue eyes, and it sounded a little Hitler-esque (excepting Hitler wanted to keep all the blue eyes).
[DS12]This section remains disorganized and repetitive. I’ve left as much as I couldn but it’s best to mention the location in regard to all of them. The way it reads now, it sounds as if they are somewhere other than with Amri in the room of the village inn.
[DS13]I added this because it all of the sudden dawned on me that Carpenter had been in hot water with the king before, and would have definitely been kept in the dungeons until Phillip decided what to do with him. Also, Carpenter had been one of the kings advisors, so he’d definitely know there were dungeons.
[DS14]Just a suggestion!
[DS15]I had to change this one a bit because I realized that neither infantry nor cavalry were correct as titles for this contingency of soldiers because both were included. So I nabbed your word “contingency” and shuffled it’s placement, and the wording to make it all make sense. This was my bad, as I was the one who suggested the word infantry be used here. Sorry!
[DS16]I took “did not respond, instead he” out because he actually does respond by the end of the sentence, so it didn’t make sense to leave it.
[DS17]A compromise here? The sentence beginning with “But not completely due to the…” really doesn’t work. This section needs to be reorganized to truly make it work how you want it to. I’ve made the changes in line, and like the other edits, you can choose to reject them change by change, or, for your convenience, I’ve copied the original paragraph below. You can simply copy and paste it back into the text if you don’t like my suggestion. Here is the original:The man screamed in pain, but it did not last long; Amri pulled out two stilettos he had strapped to his back and drove them up under the man’s bascinet with such force he raised the enemy’s body off the ground. But not completely due to the enemy soldier’s foot still pinned to the earth by the Lion’s Heart. Amri looked deep into his eyes as he drove the knives deeper into the man’s flesh.
[DS18]So sorry! This was way too long and awkward to leave as one sentence. I maintained the imagery, but I had no choice but to split it up.