Wolfsbane: 3 (Rebel Angels)

by Gillian Philip

  Seth ground his fists into his eye sockets and exhaled. ‘Finn.’

  ‘I will not.’ Leaning forward, I rubbed Branndair’s thick neck fur so that I wouldn’t have to look at Seth.

  ‘Eili will kill you,’ he said.

  ‘I’d like to see her try.’

  ‘Finn!’ he barked. ‘Grow up while you have the option! She’ll kill you before she kills me, and she’ll do it just for the fun of my reaction. Don’t give her the excuse.’ He raked his fingers manically through his hair. ‘It was you she tried to kill today, don’t you get that?’

  ‘Of course I get it. But Eili is not going to kill me, and she’s not going to kill you either, because I’m not going to let her. What does she want? Does she think it’ll bring Conal back?’

  Seth laid his fingers against the wolf’s throat to feel the pulse of his blood. ‘We’re upsetting him,’ he murmured. ‘Finn, all she wants is my death.’

  ‘She can’t have it,’ I said calmly.

  ‘Stop it, Finn! The trouble is, you want a piece of me too. There is not enough of me to go round, understand?’ His fingers tangled with mine in Branndair’s fur, but the look he gave me was cold and intense. ‘I’ve told you before. I’m not my brother and I’m not a replacement.’

  Yanking my hand away, I slapped his face hard. Then I stood up, and walked out.

  Behind me in the dun, someone was plucking a mandolin and someone else scraping on a fiddle. I heard muffled laughter, the start of a song, the snort and stamp of disturbed horses. I put my hands over my ears and stared out at the long sweep of machair that ended in the dunes and the metallic gleam of the sea. The land was silvered under starlight like pixie dust, the Milky Way a broad glittering brushstroke across the night.

  The guard kept his twenty metres’ distance. His mind had touched mine when I came up here ~ you okay? – but since then he hadn’t bothered. He’d left me alone since his tentative question had glanced off the dour darkness in my brain.

  I was not in the mood to confide.

  As I sat on the rampart, a ragged shape blacked out the stars and flapped down. Faramach’s claws bit into my knee, but I was used to him and I didn’t wince. Stretching his wings, craning his head, he let me rub the spiky feathers at his throat.

  ‘Got over your pique, did you? Anyway, crow, I’m glad you’re back.’

  Faramach cackled and flapped up to stalk along the rampart wall.

  It was unsettling, the way that raven knew my mind. I couldn’t make his out at all; it was too alien... Well, didn’t that remind me of someone. I almost managed to laugh: Seth would be horrified to think he had anything in common with Faramach.

  Leonie used to be able to link her mind with the raven but I couldn’t. That didn’t seem to bother Faramach: it probably gave him the superior look he couldn’t wipe off his beady face, and he liked me anyway. Hesitantly I bent my mind to his, but there was nothing. Only his eyes, watching me and shielding whatever thoughts ravens thought.

  ‘You’re always around, aren’t you? You’re always going to be. Till I’m dead, or you are.’ I gave him a fond look. ‘I love you, you bad-tempered sod.’

  Yet again I was reminded of someone. Spooky. The raven croaked fondly, and I smiled back. Faramach probably knew my mind better than I knew it myself. He probably knew most things better than I did. Leaning my arms on my knees, I watched him.

  ‘You know, don’t you? If you felt like it you could tell me.’ I blinked. ‘Is he still around? Dust on the wind. Ghost in the dun. Just a bit of tattered thought. Oh, Faramach, anything.’

  The raven tilted his head at me, but he was giving nothing away.

  ‘Because I miss him,’ I said, and I heard the break in my own voice.

  Faramach lifted his head so that his throat feathers rippled in the breeze. ‘Hah. Cù Chaorach.’

  ‘Yes.’ I hadn’t missed Conal this much for years. No point missing him, though. He wasn’t here and he never would be again. I rubbed one eye with the heel of my hand.

  The mandolin started up again, fast and furious, and a hammering guitar joined it. Somebody sang a song I recognised, something with a hard modern beat and an alien tinge of bodhran and fiddle. More laughter. Behind me there was a footstep on the stones. My heart flipped, my throat dried, but before I could react, Seth sat down at my side and gazed out at the starlit machair.

  ‘Heh!’ rasped Faramach. ‘Murlainn!’

  ‘Hey, Faramach.’ Seth started a little. ‘He does still speak, does he? I haven’t heard that bird talk since Leonie died.’

  ‘He talks all the time to me,’ I said. ‘Sometimes I think he knows what he’s saying.’

  ‘Of course he does,’ said Seth. ‘He’s a raven, not a parrot. Want to slap me again?’

  ‘Yeah.’ My lips twitched. ‘But I can’t be bothered.’

  ‘I’m always getting slapped. Do you think it’s my personality?’ He gave me a sidelong grin. ‘You bring out the worst in me. Always have.’

  My composure back, I managed to be cool. ‘How’s Branndair?’

  ‘Asleep. Properly asleep. He’ll be okay.’

  ‘Good. I’m glad,’ I said. ‘He has a big piece of you too, doesn’t he?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Seth offered me his hip flask, then took a swig himself. ‘Trouble is, Rory gets the biggest piece and then...’

  ‘Oh, yes. Fatherhood.’ Meeting Faramach’s black marble eyes, I thought I saw the raven grin. ‘Converts are always the biggest fanatics.’

  Seth was silent for a long moment. ‘All right. That’s twice.’ His voice was glacial. ‘Once more and I’ll slap you right back.’

  I bent my face to my knees, hugging them. ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled.

  ‘Guess I bring out the worst in you too,’ he said. ‘Maybe we should avoid each other.’

  I leaned my chin on my hand and stared at him. ‘Stop that.’

  ‘Ah. Okay.’ He looked uncertain. ‘Stop what?’

  ‘Shoving me away. It’s just rude.’

  ‘Well, it’s just that…’ He raked his fingers into his hair. ‘Finn, I…’

  ‘I used to live for your visits.’ I had to take a deep breath so my voice wouldn’t catch on my words. ‘The best times I ever had, because I could talk to you. You were my best friend. I counted the days, and not because I was expecting a miracle. Not because I thought your dead sainted brother might turn up instead.’

  He stared fixedly at the stone battlement. ‘Yeah, but that’s not what I…’

  ‘You know me better than anybody on the planet.’ I had to hiss it through clenched teeth. ‘You have the run of my mind and you know it, but you won’t give me yours back.’

  His head was in his hands and he wouldn’t look at me. ‘Finn.’

  ‘I’m not looking for Conal, you great tube.’ The silence that fell was a very uneasy one. I nibbled my thumbnail and stared back out at the machair. ‘Except I’d like to know where he is,’ I mumbled.

  Seth shrugged. ‘You know as well as I do. He isn’t anywhere but Brokentor.’

  ‘All right, don’t make me feel any better,’ I snapped. ‘I’m only going to say this once, ever, you ice-hearted tosser. I loved Conal just like you did. Like a brother, like a father. I miss him as much as you do and I always will, but it wasn’t him I looked for when I came through that loch.’

  ‘I see.’ Running his tongue over his teeth, he stared out at the night. ‘And did you see who you… um… did you see who you were looking for?’

  I glared at him. Was he thick as well as a jerk? ‘Yes.’

  Seth swore obscenely and shut his eyes.

  ‘Thanks for that. I won’t mention it again, then,’ I said. ‘Is this awkward for you? Do you want me to go home?’

  ‘Hell, that isn’t what I meant, Finn. I’m sorry I swore.’ He drew his hand down his face, then stretched it out to take mine. ‘You are home. Don’t go.’ Hesitating, he mumbled: ‘Please don’t go.’

  My throat dried again. I’d have liked another gulp
at his hip flask. ‘You’ve never said please to me in your life.’

  ‘Well, I’m saying it now. Please stay.’ His fingers worked awkwardly into mine.

  He’d held my hand before, plenty of times. But now it was different, different altogether. I couldn’t say anything, so I concentrated on the warmth of blood pulsing through the veins in his palm.

  ‘If we – listen, Finn,’ he said quietly, ‘Eili will go spare. Are you ready for that?’

  I wriggled round to face him, watching his profile because he still wouldn’t look at me. ‘Not afraid of her, are you?’

  He slewed his eyes sideways and grinned. ‘Yes.’

  I laughed. ‘Me too.’

  He laced his free hand into my hair, holding my head still so that he could watch my eyes. Edging a little closer, I slipped an arm round his back to touch the puckered crossbow scars through his t-shirt. He didn’t flinch.

  He shut one eye, touched a forefinger to my lower lip. ‘Hang on a tick. This is going to feel a bit funny, Finn.’

  He leaned forward and kissed me. He kissed me for rather longer than I’d expected. Since my head was now spinning in the sky, my heart snowboarding crazily ahead of it along the Milky Way, I was gratified to hear the tormented little squeak of shock in Seth’s throat. Not just me, then, I thought smugly.

  When he drew back, there was comical astonishment in his eyes. He gulped hard. ‘Not that funny, though.’

  ‘Not funny at all.’ I shivered, and smiled at him stupidly.

  ‘Finn, I’m four hundred and thirty.’ His brow furrowed as he visibly counted. ‘Or thereabouts.’

  ‘Yeah, but you might as well be thirty. You look younger than me, you swine.’

  He swallowed a grin. ‘You should see the picture in my attic.’

  ‘Anyway,’ I said silkily, ‘It’s not like you ever acted your age. You’ve always just been my sort-of cousin. My vile, snarky, foul-tempered–’

  ‘All right!’ he broke in. ‘Finn, I’m young, and I’ll go on being young, because there’s no full-mortal blood in me, but I’ve had a lot more time than you, and it’s going to run out. Even a Sithe life doesn’t last forever.’ He gave an uneasy laugh. ‘Finn, if this is just a casual thing that’s fine. Believe me, I’m thrilled, I…’

  To shut him up I leaned over and kissed him again, but this time I felt his mind brush against mine, a sort of tentative question. He’d come over all rational. Dammit.

  ‘I see,’ he said, slowly. ‘It’s like that? Oh, hell’s teeth, Finn. So deep?’

  ‘You see.’ Faramach laughed harshly.

  ‘Shut up, bird. If your old mistress is anywhere at all, she’ll be throwing the celestial crockery by now.’ He drew his hand down his face.

  ‘Nah,’ said the raven. ‘Liked you.’

  ‘Really? She’d a funny way of showing it.’

  ‘Seth.’ I took a breath. I was set on what and who I wanted – had been for years – but I could wait. I didn’t much want to be someone else’s rebound. ‘How upset are you? Y’know. About Orach?’

  He leaned his jaw on his hand and watched me with some amusement.

  ‘Finn,’ he said wryly, ‘Orach saw you coming. That’s why she dumped me.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘She had her pride, see?’

  ‘Of course.’ I gave him a level threatening stare. ‘Me too.’

  He smiled, saying nothing for a while. Then he kissed me again, and drew away with tangible reluctance.

  ‘My brother would have my head on a stake,’ he murmured. ‘Or possibly not my head.’

  ‘You told me our lives were our own. All those dead people, they had their lives. Now I want mine.’

  He gave me a humourless smirk. ‘My life isn’t my own. It’s Eili’s.’

  ‘We’ll see about that.’ What was he supposed to do to atone for Conal? Beyond what he’d done already, that was: beyond accepting and forgiving the brutal vengeance of his own clann.

  He studied my face. ‘Oh, Finn. They had to do it. It wasn’t so bad. Really.’

  ‘Yes. It was.’

  ‘All right.’ He touched the corner of my mouth with a finger. ‘But it let you forgive me.’

  ‘I’d already forgiven you. I forgave you the moment I saw you ride in from Brokentor. He was my bloody uncle, so why couldn’t they?’ I gritted my teeth. ‘You didn’t make a sound.’

  ‘Er, you’re not supposed to know what happened,’ he pointed out darkly. ‘You and Jed were sent out of the hall.’

  ‘We sneaked back in.’ It wasn’t so hard, confessing all these years after the event. If he was mad at me now, too bad. ‘I couldn’t imagine how much it hurt you. I wanted to kill them. But you knew what they’d do and you came back anyway. They might have killed you, but you came back.’

  ‘I got back my place in the dun. I got back my clann. That was all I cared about.’ The light behind his eyes was elusive as mercury. ‘Before, anyway. In theory. It was kind of easier to think that way before I felt it for real. Afterwards? Truthfully? I hated them the way you did, till it stopped hurting.’

  I twisted my lip. ‘You never let on.’

  ‘I didn’t want you to know. You were angry enough already. When the time came to leave Conal and Torc – what was left of them – to leave them and come back to the dun… I kept telling myself nothing could be worse than Brokentor. Nothing could be worse than what I’d brought on myself. The clann couldn’t hurt me any more. But you know what?’ With a jerky laugh he buried his face in his hands. ‘They did. They so did.’

  Tentatively I touched the back of his hands, and when he didn’t pull away I put my arms around his shoulders and pressed my wet face to his neck.

  After a bit, he turned to me. ‘You shouldn’t have watched.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have ordered me about.’

  ‘Enough already!’ He got to his feet and pulled me up. ‘I don’t want to talk about it. Listen, Finn. The only good thing about being the age I am…’

  ‘Is all that wisdom that comes with the years.’ I gave him a wicked wink.

  ‘Ha ha.’ He skewed an eyebrow. ‘The good thing is, I won’t outlive my half-breed son. He won’t live anything like as long as me, but I won’t live to see him die. You’re no half-breed, you’re all Sithe. Even if I live through civil war and Eili’s hate, even if I manage all that, you’ll live a long time without me. You’ll have to. It’s why we can’t bind, it’s...’

  ‘Seth. Can’t isn’t part of it. We will, or we won’t.’

  He gave a groan of exasperation. ‘Know how you just called me a selfish prick? Well, I am, but like it or not, one day you will lose me. You’ll have to watch me die, Finn.’

  I stared at the muscle that jerked below his eye. ‘Thanks for your honesty,’ I said. ‘Though if you like, you could just lie to me.’

  ‘I can lie. All right, I’m a good liar. And a hypocrite. A liar, a hypocrite, a traitor and, um… a fratricide. Oh, Finny, your taste in men stinks.’ The corner of his mouth tugged back. ‘I won’t lie to you about this, though. I don’t actually like to lie.’

  ‘Yes, you’ve always preferred to have the tact of a brick.’

  ‘Listen. I’m not going to get old. Ever.’ He took a breath. ‘Finn. I’m just going to die.’

  ‘Like Leonie. Yes, yes.’

  ‘For men it’s even quicker.’ He shrugged, staring at Faramach. ‘I’d love to get old, I’d love a bit of time to get used to not being here, but it isn’t going to happen: one day I’ll just die, with almost no warning. Can you get your head round that? Because I barely can, after four centuries.’ Turning, he pressed his forehead to mine. ‘It doesn’t matter how much I love you, Finn. I’m just going to leave you and I won’t have any say in it.’

  ‘So.’ I glanced away, hiding my involuntary smile, because he’d slipped in the only three words I wanted to hear, and he wasn’t even aware of it. ‘Better that than leave me now.’

  ‘After I’m dead, Finn...’

&nb
sp; I put a hand against his cheek and gazed into his eyes. ‘Intolerable pain or insanity or my own death.’

  ‘Oh gods.’ He looked tormented. ‘Listen to me. Listen. It’s survivable. Your grandmother, she survived it. You’d have to promise me. Promise. Me. That you’d bear it. I can’t be responsible for your death. I can’t.’

  ‘I know what binding is, Murlainn,’ I said. ‘She explained it to me. I do know.’

  ‘I should not do this,’ he said. Then he narrowed his eyes, as if he’d just taken in what I said. ‘Who explained it? Leonie?’

  ‘No. Never mind.’

  ‘Finn,’ he said, ‘this thing you want?’

  ‘M-hm.’

  ‘Death really is all that breaks it. Not even then, if you believe the superstitious ones. You can’t change your mind, do you understand? There’s no going back. It’s for life.’

  ‘You’re my life,’ I told him.

  He closed his eyes briefly. His fingers tightened around mine. ‘You’re sure, then.’

  ‘You know I am. You have the run of my mind.’ I watched his face. ‘And you looked.’

  His eyelight cleared. I felt him inside my mind like a physical presence, like the finest pain imaginable, and the loveliest.

  ‘Finn,’ he sighed, and put the palm of his hand lightly against my cheek. As he held me there, I felt my own eyelight intensify. I blinked against it but it didn’t stop burning; it went on till it hurt. My jaw tightened, my breath caught in my throat, and I was briefly afraid my eyes would explode.

  And then they did.

  His eyelight ignited at the same moment mine did, and the force crackled between us. It was only an instant. His fingers trembled against my skin and I heard him gasp, then he had his breath back, and the dazzling light faded along with the pain.

  ‘Listen to me, Finn MacAngus. From tonight you are mine, and I am yours, till one of us dies or we both do. If we are apart and you take a lover, tell me. I will do the same for you. It will not come between us and when it’s over we will belong to one another as we always did. We have the right to See each other’s minds before anyone else alive. I’ll protect your life with mine and you’ll do the same for me. I will never say any of this to you again, and you’ll never have to say it to me.’ The glint in his eye dulled, and he whispered: ‘And Finn: I will not leave you until I don’t have a choice. Do you understand?’