by Leanne Davis
“I know the feeling,” she said after a moment. The words oddly touching her. They were her words. Hers and Sean’s. There was no one else. How strange how much they shared. How come she hadn’t noticed that before?
“So, when you’re Dr. Angie Peters what are your plans?”
“I’m not even out of graduate school. Let alone even attempting to get into a doctorate program.”
“Wasn’t that always the plan? You becoming a doctor?”
She shrugged. It was. It had always been her plan.
Why did Sean remember that? She’d told him that when she was sixteen years old. Why had it always been her plan? Somehow, she’d always believed, if she became educated, if she knew something, something real and in depth, something she could be a professional about, that she’d be better than Vanessa. It had not been about making money, or getting rich to her. Money wasn’t her end goal. Money was a necessity to get things, to live, to survive. She had never needed or wanted more.
She wanted respect. She wanted knowledge and to be able to talk and interact with people who were more than short order cooks in Seaclusion, Washington. Or car restorers living with their sister.
She shook her head. It was just a date. No big deal. Nothing concrete. Nothing beyond tonight. He was a diversion. She could enjoy Sean’s company, even feel understood by him, and understand parts of him, without it meaning anything deeper than they had shared life experiences and hometowns. It didn’t have to mean they were long lost soul mates who only understood each other.
“Yes, being a doctor was my plan when I was sixteen. Then I had a baby. I’m now in debt tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and I’m realizing the idealism of sixteen doesn’t correlate to being able to do something with my life. You were probably always right. Even Vanessa’s right. It’s time I got a job. Moved on.”
“Well, shit, you’re already in that far, why not go the whole nine yards? What’s another hundred grand at this point? And come on, when has Vanessa ever been right about what you need?”
“Maybe I am wasting my time, and a lot of money. It’s not like I was planning on being a medical doctor to save the world. What do I need a doctorate for? Especially one in history? Who cares? What will I do with it?”
“This is just occurring to you now? That history is a remote, removed subject to get advanced degrees in? Don’t do that, Angie. Don’t change. For whatever reason, it’s what you need. Don’t deny it. And there have to be experts in every field for things to keep moving forward. There have to be people like you who learn all that stuff, and people like me who don’t. Who do the mundane things.”
“Practical, Sean. What you do, what you can do, is practical. You can earn a living, and support yourself. After all these years, all the studying I’ve done, I can’t. What is practical about me?”
“Nothing, Angie. Nothing is practical about you. You’re full of big ideas. You want to know everything, just to have the knowledge. You’re the type who actually leaves high school and plans to be something different, something that not everyone can be. You want your life to be special and you’re willing to make that happen. Practical or not, it’s one of the things that make you special.”
“You make me sound like I’m a cause waiting to happen.”
“You are. That’s what makes you—”
“Different. Annoying. Difficult. Weird.”
“No, I was going to say unique. And yeah, different than anyone I know from Seaclusion.”
“I don’t know, I’ve been thinking lately I have it all wrong. Seaclusion, it isn’t so bad. It’s a nice place for kids. Look at Scott and Sarah’s kids, their house, and their life together, it’s pretty good. They are happy. I have always been so disdainful, like this provincial life isn’t really living up to a person’s potential. When I think it might be the hardest thing to do of all.”
“That’s good to notice, Sarah, Scott, hell even me, we aren’t less for liking the small town, our normal jobs, our small lives. But you? Seaclusion isn’t big enough for you, you got stuff to do. Everyone knows that. Don’t for a second think I’d forget it. It’s the thing I’ve always admired about you; you have the guts to go out in the world and be something different.”
“You said it’s me running from everything real. From relationships.”
“I say a lot of things to try and cover up my inferiority to you. Come on, you know that. I know that. You’re like the hot house orchid and I’m the dandelion in the garden of life. Some things just are.”
She turned and looked at Sean’s profile. Lights from passing cars illuminated his profile to her. A month ago, she’d have told him he was right. She had thought that, believed it to her core. But now? Suddenly, that didn’t ring true to her at all. He wasn’t ordinary. He wasn’t inferior to her. He wasn’t the lazy, insolent, going nowhere, doing nothing ne’er do well she had wanted to pretend he was.
Sean had his own dreams, and not just dreams, but actual physical plans to achieve them. He might not need to leave Seaclusion, but he wasn’t floating along either. He was talking bank loans, remodeling, creating his own business, and the image of a home and family he’d always wanted but been denied.
It startled her to picture future Sean, on the porch of his beautifully restored house with a smiling, pretty wife and kids. The very porch that she and Sean had fallen to in strange, surprising, unplanned passion. And strangely she felt almost jealous of that future. Which was stupid, because being a wife, stuck in some isolated bed and breakfast, with kids and Sean was the last thing she’d ever want. Stuck forever in Seaclusion would be tantamount to suffering from agoraphobia to her.
Sean was kinder, sweeter, and more interesting than she ever perceived before. He remembered everything about her. He seemed to know her far better than she did him, and in fact, at times better than she knew herself.
Sean focused his gaze on her. “Why are you staring at me? The hair cut that good?”
“No. Well, yes, it is. But I was thinking I’ve been wrong about you. You’re smart, motivated, kind to a mother most would abandon, and you’re strangely tolerant of me and my strange ideas, which few people are. So no, I don’t think you’re inferior to me. And if I ever did, I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”
“My hair cut is really good, isn’t it?”
“Don’t try to be cute. I was serious.”
“I know. I just don’t think I know how to respond to you being submissive. It freaks me out.”
She smiled. He was funny too. “I’m never submissive.”
“No. That’s a fact I know too well. First my virginity, and then my grief. Believe me; I know you’re never submissive.”
She made a face. “I didn’t take your virginity.”
“You did. You totally took it. I was too scared of you to even try.”
“That’s not what I was talking about.”
“No. But sex is easier to talk about than eight years’ worth of how wrong you were about me. Think about how long it would take to apologize to me for all that. So you could just, I don’t know, subdue me again.”
She finally laughed. “I’m not having sex with you.”
He sighed and looked down. “Why did I get all dressed up then?”
“I don’t know. Why did you?”
“I thought it was to have sex. Works on most girls.”
“Scary part is, I believe you. I believe all it takes is a little bit of effort from you and you get your way. You already know that though, don’t you?”
“With you? No. Never would I think you’d respond like most girls. Believe me, I don’t try to predict you. Are you done being nervous yet?”
“How did you—”
“Know? Because you went up and put a dress on for me. Without a word. Without a complaint. Angie Peters put a dress on. That’s how I knew.”
“I wear dresses. Just not while I’m sitting around the house or when it’s forty degrees out.”
“No, you don’t. I’ve know
n you for years, and the only time I’ve seen you in anything like a dress was at my father’s funeral.”
Angie shifted trying to adjust said dress. “I hate dresses. Have you ever worn one? They ride up every which way, your legs get cold, you can’t even sit like a normal person. It’s all so confining, and totally useless.”
“But damn does it look sexy.”
“And that’s what I think is so pointless. Just so you can think I’m sexy? And other people can then what? Notice that I’m sexy for you.”
“And yet you put the dress on for me, didn’t you? What does that say about you?”
She caught his look. He was completely baiting her. She always fell for it. Always started on, got going about her unusually feminist, extreme views. He always managed to press her buttons. “It says that is a really great haircut.”
“Joking back? Casual comment? Not taking me and life too seriously; I might be rubbing off on you.”
She folded her arms over her chest. “That could be taken wrong.”
“I’m impressed you got that it could be taken wrong,” he said, laughing out loud. She almost laughed too.
Glancing out the window she asked, “Where are we going?”
“Portland.”
“Portland? Tonight? That’s over an hour and half drive.”
“Eight o’clock reservation, we’ll be fine. I did try and tell you we weren’t going to The Oyster.”
“You didn’t make it clear we were going that far from The Oyster, literally and figuratively. You don’t have to do this.”
“Do what? Make you realize I’m not who you think I am?”
“We don’t have money to waste on nights out in Portland, neither of us do. I don’t see the point.”
Sean let out a long exaggerated sigh as he put a blinker on, looked over his shoulder, and pulled into the next lane. “It’s my money to waste how I want.”
“I wish you wouldn’t waste it on me.”
“Yeah, well that’s where you and I differ. I don’t think a time out together is a waste. Now shut up before you succeed in ruining the evening. Now try and be a good girl and say things like other girls would in these circumstances.”
“And what exactly is that?”
“Oh, Sean, Portland? Really? Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re taking me there. I’m going to so make it up to you later tonight,” he said in exaggerated girl tones, and then in his own voice he added, “as in sex, lots and lots of dirty sex.”
Angie rolled her eyes. “If you date girls who are that easy, that stupid, then I guess you would deserve sex for this. Just so we’re clear, I don’t give out sex for you spending money on me.”
He grinned. “You don’t think I already know that? Really, Angie, sit back, enjoy the ride and for God’s sake, relax.”
She grumbled at him, but finally sat back and started to relax as the night went by and she was surprised she actually enjoyed the ride with Sean.
Chapter 13
“Why did you bring us all the way here? Don’t be a smart ass about it this time. Why come all this way?”
Sean glanced down at Angie beside him. They were done with their meal, from the small, dimly lit, romantic Italian restaurant he’d chosen. It was in a popular hotel that overlooked the Columbia River as it swept through Portland. He’d dropped a week’s food budget on tonight’s meal, but it had been worth every bite. It had been beautiful inside, classy and elegant; they had looked like urbanites together.
And Angie had finally started acting like other girls. She’d been polite, grateful, letting him open doors, hold her chair, and pay for the meal. She talked of less antagonistic subjects than her usual save the planet, save all women, liberal-activist centered conversations. She thanked him for the meal, complimented the restaurant, the food, and his choice of a date. She had almost been downright nice.
They had just left the restaurant and were standing outside, along the outdoor patio. They fell into step together along the sidewalk walking out toward the river on a path illuminated by overhead decorative lanterns. The city twinkled beyond them, and across the river they could see the city of Vancouver. Portland wasn’t a huge city, but at least it wasn’t Seaclusion. Here were actual buildings, traffic, concrete and commerce, that Angie, pretend tree hugger that she was, seemed to need.
“Why did I bring you here? You seem to think I can’t leave Seaclusion. Maybe I wanted you to see I do. And besides you hate the ocean, at least there’s no ocean here.”
Angie looked up at him oddly. “You went to all this effort because I hate the ocean?”
“Well, don’t you?”
“I do. I really hate the ocean. But you didn’t have to care so much.”
He let out a breath. “What if I do, Angie? What if I do care?”
“About what?”
He gritted his teeth in annoyance. “For someone who keeps straight A’s in grad school you can be so dense. About you. What if I care about you?”
She stepped back. “Me? Well, of course, we care about each other. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We lost our virginity together, we—”
“We had a baby together. I know our history. But I’m talking about now. What about now?”
“Don’t, please. I have so much already going on I―”
“I don’t care. I don’t care about the professor. I don’t care what you think you’ve done wrong. I want you to admit what’s obviously right here, between us.”
He put his arms around her waist, catching her by surprise he brought her close to him, leaning down he fit his lips over hers, and she froze in his embrace. Her arms swept up around his neck, her body inched closer to his. His fingers found her long silky hair, his mouth moved over hers, slow and thorough. He pulled back, and rested his forehead on hers.
“You’re going to tell me again that this is nothing? A mistake? Go ahead, tell me. Lie to me, as well as yourself.”
“I told you I don’t know why this is happening between us. I don’t understand it, not at all. I was wrong about you. I see that now. But that doesn’t mean I can forget everything else between us. I can’t tell you I’m over Amy, or that seeing her isn’t the hardest thing in my life. And nothing changes that I hate Seaclusion. I’m not over it all. I can’t stay in Seaclusion.”
“This isn’t about staying in Seaclusion, I’m only asking you to be honest with how you feel about me.”
“There is so much you don’t know or you don’t understand about me. That I don’t understand about me. How can I be honest when I don’t know what I feel? There is something drastically wrong inside of me.”
She started to cry. Big tears rolled down her cheeks. Sean’s heart dropped. He didn’t mean to make her cry. He had, in fact, not dreamed this would make her cry. She was so upset he didn’t know what to say. He pulled her close to him, against his chest, as her tears dampened his shirt which she fisted in her hands. He tried to comfort her, rubbing her hair, shoulders and back. And still she cried. He hadn’t expected this. Not from Angie.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing at all.”
She made a sound that was supposed to be a laugh but instead was a sad, bitter cry. “There is, there really is something wrong with me.”
He didn’t know what she was talking about, or why she was saying these things. He couldn’t comprehend why she seemed so sad. But in honesty it wasn’t new with Angie, as long as he’d known her a part of her had always been sad; at sixteen, at twenty, and now still. Finally, her tears slowed. Quietly she asked, “What is it you want with us?”
“To date. I want you to quit acting like this is a mistake every time you look my way.”
“You mean like one at a time?”
“Yeah, like one at a time. Nobody else. You and me.”
“I don’t live in Seaclusion, not really, not for any length of time.”
He shrugged. “I know you don’t. You never will. I always will. I guess it’s for whatever time you’re here.”
“I already am.”
“I’ll hurt you. You’ll end up hating me…and I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I know going in, don’t I? So, I have to live with it.”
“Why would you want to?”
“Because I’ve always wanted you. Can’t you give me a real chance for once?”
“There’s more to why I’m here than what I’ve told you.”
“I know that too. I don’t know what it is, but I know there are things you’re not telling me. Do you want to? Do you want to tell me?”
She shook her head. Tears fell fresh. “I really don’t want to tell you.”
He hesitated. She always held herself back. Didn’t he know that? Didn’t Scott warn him of that? She needed to. She had to. Angie could never entirely trust anyone with everything about herself because it made her too vulnerable, it made her feel how she felt with her mother, at their mercy. And if he ever wanted Angie, he had to let her hold herself back from him. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re waiting for me to tell you.”
“No, I’m not. Just be with me.”
“Without telling you?”
“Without telling me.”
She bit her lip. Tears were still damp on her eye lids. She was quiet so long he didn’t think she was going to answer him. “Okay,” she said softly, as she sagged into him. He could feel the physical release of her breath, as if she finally could collapse, let someone else take over for her; for just a second, she could breath.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a room here. I thought it might be nice to be together, away from my sister, the trailer, you know, everything that is Seaclusion. It’s whatever; we don’t have to use it. I just thought it might be—”
“Perfect. It might be perfect. Yes, I’d like nothing more right now than to stay here with you.”
Sean thought his heart might quit beating as she took his hand, and they walked toward the hotel room somehow, strangely, almost a couple. She almost knew he loved her, and she was still there.