by Leanne Davis
Angie had become her mother. She couldn’t believe she’d agreed to date Sean, while not telling him she was pregnant with another man’s child. She knew it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to Sean. But if she’d told him, he wouldn’t have dated her. And suddenly, on that sidewalk in Portland, that’s all she’d wanted; for Sean to stay in her life.
Until that moment, she’d had no idea that was what she wanted. But then again when had any man ever declared they wanted her? But Sean had. And in his arms, someone caring for her, she had felt the strange, sad hole inside her, suddenly close up. She had felt so complete and safe in his arms it had literally made her cry. Because she had never expected, never dreamed she’d feel this way. And to feel it about Sean Langston, had her reeling.
Sean had let her off the hook and she, coward that she was, had taken it. Someday soon, Sean would hate her when he realized what she’d kept from him. But she, selfish to the core, did it anyway. She did it because she so suddenly, strangely needed Sean. Maybe she’d known that in her heart before she could even begin to articulate it. Maybe that’s why she’d so insanely had sex with him the night he buried his father.
They had only a little time; a limited, little island of time. And she was taking it.
They went home from Portland, and were together. They ate out, they spent the night in his trailer. They enjoyed long nights, and early mornings, evenings and weekends. Every spare moment they were together.
While he worked, she worked on her thesis. And finally, after months of nothing, the words, the research nearly flowed out of her. She couldn’t stop, she could say no wrong, and it all came together like she’d been trying to force it to for months. Why? Maybe because for the first time in years, she felt relaxed, safe, even happy. Yes, strangely, happy with Sean.
Angie had never experienced anything like it. They looked at each other and the sparks felt like they should fairly explode between them. She nearly blushed from meeting Sean’s glance. The sex was outrageously good. But it was so much more to her than that. It was the way he looked at her as if she were the only woman near him, in the room, or in the world. It was the way he baited her, got her going, and seemed to like her strange opinions, her judgments, her too much personality that had never quite fit in with everyone else. With Sean, she finally fit.
And with everyone else, Sean made her finally feel like she fit in. When she was too serious, he easily brought her back to earth. When she was quiet, he made her laugh. When she was nervous or bitchy, he easily brought her around to not being nervous or bitchy. Simply, he made her act normal, and social, when she’d never managed it before.
He made her happy, when she’d never felt happiness before.
What she did for him she couldn’t figure out. He easily could date any girl or woman in the near vicinity. He was charming, gorgeous, kind, sweet, macho, all without saying one pleasant or syrupy thing to her. He still didn’t bullshit her, he didn’t say anything to be polite. He was still Sean.
They fought frequently. She would storm out of his trailer and stay in her room in the house. He’d get mad at her avoidance and finally come talk with her. She didn’t talk when she was pissed off. He’d goad her until she did.
It was also the most fun she’d ever had. Whoever bothered to get past her defenses? For some reason Sean did. Sean cared. Sean tried. Sean got past all her defenses.
When the morning sickness started, she struggled to hide it from him. He was sharp, observant, and she had to be extremely careful. The one time he’d caught her, she’d pretended to be sick all day with food poisoning. He’d been sweet, kind and concerned. She’d felt like she was doomed to go to hell for letting him take care of her as if she was merely sick with the flu.
She never dreamed she’d end up here, dating Sean, on purpose. She hadn’t meant to need him or want him. And she certainly couldn’t have predicted, he’d want her.
Soon enough she started to thicken at the waist. Her stomach looked permanently bloated. She waited for Sean to ask her why she was getting fat. Why she’d started leaving her jeans unbuttoned, or why her shirts suddenly were getting baggier. He never asked. He never again said another insulting thing about how she dressed, how she didn’t look girlie enough, or pretty enough. She began to realize he really didn’t care how she dressed or looked, he used to do it to get her attention, to get her going, to make her notice him.
She had snuck off twice to a doctor far out of town for prenatal care. Each time she went, she realized she couldn’t keep pretending much longer.
Why couldn’t she have found Sean before she met the professor? But that would have never happened because she had spent no more than two consecutive days in Seaclusion since the first time she left. If not for this pregnancy, she would never have stayed the six weeks she’d been there to date. And if that hadn’t happened, she would have never given Sean a second glance, let alone ended up sleeping with him.
She was getting to the point it was ridiculous she hadn’t told those around her she was pregnant. She should have told everyone the first few days she’d been here. She wouldn’t have slept with Sean, and she’d never have ended up in the position she’d put them in. But instead she’d let everything slide until it was now worse than if she’d been honest from the start.
It weighed on her like an extra fifty pounds: the guilt, the worry, the fear, and the unreality that she was having another baby and she had no idea what to do with it or about it.
Chapter 14
Angie was sitting in the bakery across from Sarah’s shop, watching the few tourists wondering along the sidewalk, who sometimes stopped or ducked into a shop here and there. The April day was surprisingly pleasant, clear and sunny; it seemed like finally the gray of winter might be ending toward the bloom of spring.
Angie looked up when her mother walked in and scanned the small café. She easily spotted Angie. Angie sighed. She’d avoided Vanessa since that one and only meeting the first week she’d been in town. She’d been wrong to tell Vanessa anything about her life. It was dangerous to load up Vanessa with anything real or meaningful, and especially anything that a person wanted to be kept private. Just because she was Vanessa’s daughter, didn’t do much to tone down how mean and cruel Vanessa could be with gossip.
“You’re still in town.”
“I told you I was working on my final project. I took a leave of absence for two quarters to write it. No classes.”
“Are you doing it? Writing this thing?”
“Yes. Actually, it’s going really well. Thanks for asking.”
Vanessa snorted. “Mind if I sit?”
Angie waved at the seat across from her. “You can sit.”
Vanessa sat. They looked at each other, totally uncomfortable as mother and daughter, as two adult women looking at each other.
“So I hear you’ve been seen around town a bunch with Sean. That true?”
“It’s true.”
“I thought you hated him.”
“I didn’t hate him. I was uncomfortable; we did have a child together. I never knew how to be casual friends after that. After all I was only a child myself when that all happened.”
Angie wanted to bite her tongue. She hadn’t meant to let the residual anger from her feelings toward Vanessa come out. She tried to play things cool with her mother. She tried to keep things an arm’s length from her, as if whatever Vanessa did or said had no real bearing on her. But it did.
Vanessa was still her mother, the woman who was supposed to love her unconditionally, and because Vanessa had never done that, Angie knew she had terrible issues with letting anyone get close, letting relationships become more than casual. If your own mother doesn’t love you, why should anyone else?
“Hey, kid, I had the same shit at the same age. Don’t lecture me about being too young.”
“Oh, that’s right, you’re better than me because you kept me. It’s beside the point you spent every day of my childhood letting me know you didn’
t want me there, or forgetting me at school, or yelling at me. The only reason I’m not totally screwed up is because of Scott. Not you.”
“I did the best I could. Not like I ever had an example either. I never touched you, Angie. I never beat you up. I never once hurt you. I never once laid a hand on you. Try living with that, and then tell me how to be a mother.”
Vanessa had come from abuse. She’d been kicked out and on her own before the age of fifteen. In Vanessa’s eyes, she’d been an okay mother because she’d never hit Angie. But it still didn’t make up for the neglect, the coldness, how mean Vanessa could be to her.
“You never loved me. Why did you keep me?”
“Who said I never loved you?”
“You. You never told me. You let it be known I was in your way. How was I supposed to raise Amy when I saw what unwanted children did to a woman?”
Vanessa tapped her finger on the table; finally she twisted in the chair and muttered, “Just because I didn’t say it often didn’t mean I didn’t.”
“You can’t even say it to me now, can you?”
Vanessa squirmed; she had never seen Vanessa squirm. It was a switch, having the power between them. Usually she cared too much, Vanessa cared too little, Vanessa turned mean, and Angie ended up hurt.
“Doesn’t matter now. You’re in town six weeks and won’t even come see me.”
Angie hesitated. “You want to see me?”
“You are my daughter.”
Angie almost laughed. There was so much irony in that statement, so many lost moments, bitter neglect, and a history that implied the exact opposite; that because Angie was Vanessa’s daughter, Vanessa in fact didn’t want her.
“I’m twenty-four. You’ve never given me much indication you cared whether you saw me or not. You usually spend your time cussing at me, insulting me, or ignoring me.”
“You always thought you were so much better than me, sometimes it’s hard to get past.”
“What do you think is different about me now?”
“You hooking up with Sean.”
“Me and Sean? What does that change?”
“You always thought you were too good for him. You not acting so snooty about him, makes me think maybe you’re realizing you’re not so different. That Seaclusion isn’t the butt wipe you always claimed it was.”
Angie absorbed this. She lifted her face to Vanessa. “It hurt your feelings I didn’t like Seaclusion?”
“You didn’t like anything I gave you as a kid. This place, me, why shouldn’t I get a little put off you being so superior acting to me.”
That was true. She’d spent her entire adolescence trying to not be Vanessa. To think it hurt Vanessa’s feelings was a surprise. Vanessa hid feelings with snide, rude remarks. How was she, as the kid, supposed to see past them? Why had it been her job to see past them? Vanessa was supposed to have been the mother, the adult, the guiding force in any kind of relationship. Vanessa had been as juvenile as Angie. How was Angie supposed to act different toward Vanessa?
Vanessa was only so capable of emotions. This, here, this little bit of melting in her usual glacial glares and snide comments was the most Angie had seen Vanessa warm up to her in ten years. It would never be enough, or normal, or remotely healthy. But it might be nice to not totally disdain and hate her mother. She could use this now, this moment, this slight reaching out that Vanessa was doing, and take it. Let it be. Do it for herself. For her future. For her own child. For there was a chance she might be settling here permanently, and here was where Vanessa would always be.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so rude to you.”
“You started calling me Vanessa before you were out of a training bra. Ever occur to you I’m your mother, deserved to be called as such.”
“I didn’t think you cared.”
“I cared.”
Angie didn’t believe her. But she couldn’t force herself to say mother, not to Vanessa. She was willing to not be so horrible to Vanessa, maybe not be bitter enemies, but no way was Vanessa earning the title of mother. Not from her.
“Look, we could let bygones be bygones. You know, try to get along, be nice to each other. We could make the effort.”
Vanessa nodded. “Yeah, we could.”
“We could or we should? Which is it, Vanessa? Don’t bother to agree if you’re not going to.”
“I can. We should. I’m not getting any younger. It wouldn’t hurt me to have some family close.”
Family. Her and Vanessa? It made Angie’s stomach clench to think about that, to open herself up on any level to Vanessa.
Sean entered the café. His gaze met hers, and then lifted to Vanessa. She wondered at the look that passed over his face. Shock? Disdain? At least Sean understood about Vanessa, she didn’t have to try and explain to him why she had intimacy issues, and why she was so mean to her own mother.
Sean came over to the table. She was touched by Sean’s concern, as he rushed to her side, for understanding how hard it was for her to face Vanessa. The pleasure his support gave her was startling, addicting, something she could easily become used to.
Sean’s heart stopped when he saw Vanessa sitting where he should be with Angie. He was late, how had Vanessa known to come now? To come in for the kill? For what else could Vanessa want? So far Angie was looking at him with relief in her eyes; she scooted over to make room for him next to her. So far, so good, Vanessa obviously hadn’t told Angie.
His gut tightened. He hated Vanessa, but was he any better? He’d avoided telling Angie he’d slept with her mother. He had convinced himself that Angie was open about the fact that she had a past and secrets of her own, why wasn’t it fair he did too?
But Angie’s secret didn’t include sleeping with his parent. There wasn’t much that could compete with that.
Vanessa’s smile unfurled as she met Sean’s gaze. She liked this, having all the power and the ability to destroy him. If it devastated her daughter? Cost her daughter’s happiness, well that wasn’t any skin off Vanessa’s nose. He believed it to his core, and that is what had him sweating in nerves.
“Hello, Sean.”
He shifted his gaze to meet Vanessa’s. “Vanessa, what are you doing here?”
“Ran into my daughter. We were having a nice chat, weren’t we, Angie?”
Sean turned to face Angie, afraid of what he’d find in her face at Vanessa’s loaded “chat,” but he found Angie nodding as if in agreement with Vanessa. No fucking way was Vanessa having a nice chat with Angie.
“Actually, yes. We were thinking of trying to kind of start over between us.”
Sean flexed his hands. He heard in her voice, the uncertainty, the hope, the childish need for her mother’s love and acceptance. No matter how cool and grown up Angie tried to become, this was at the core of her greatest need. This was the thing she wanted most in the world, her mother’s love. But she couldn’t look to Vanessa for that. Angie knew it too. But her heart was letting her forget it, to believe different.
For what Angie couldn’t comprehend, was why Vanessa was doing this, for she couldn’t know that Vanessa was merely getting ready to smear her face in the fact that she had slept with her boyfriend. And Sean believed that to the tips of his toes. If he got through this conversation without Vanessa blowing up their relationship, then he would tell Angie the truth before another day went by.
He stood a good chance of losing her again. Of her running from town again, and this time he’d have only himself to thank.
He managed to survive another five minutes of more bull shit from Vanessa. Vanessa being almost pleasant, almost conversational to Angie, and him. He’d never had a violent urge in his life toward a woman, but he could feel his fists tightening, his jaw locking in an effort to not hit the smug, satisfied smile off Vanessa’s face. She was enjoying this. All at the cost of her daughter. Vanessa had just made this secret, ten times worse for Angie, for Angie would easily see what this little make-up session of Vaness
a’s had been about.
Finally Vanessa got up to leave. Sean didn’t get up. Angie did as her mother’s figure trailed from the bakery to the street.
“Come on, I need some air,” he said before she could sit back down. He stood up, and took her outside and to the beach, needing the space to think. He let out a breath. She was chatting, but stopped and frowned when she noticed his face.
“What’s wrong?”
“We need to talk.”
She squirmed and frowned. “About what?”
Sean turned toward the water, unable to look into her trusting, blue eyes. “Hear me out, okay?”
She put a hand to his arm. “What is it?”
“You were gone a long time. I lived here, had my own life and I made a lot of mistakes.”
“I was gone and probably made more mistakes. It doesn’t matter. I—”
“It does matter. Your mother doesn’t want to make up with you. She wanted to enjoy a warped power trip.”
“What do you mean?”
His shoulders slumped in defeat. He lifted his eyes to hers. There was no way to ease into this. “I slept with her.”
Angie took a step back. Her mouth came open. “You slept with my mother?”
“It was nothing. You know that. How she is. I never even liked her. She was just—”
Her face contorted and twisted in instant rage. “Just what, Sean? There to have sex with? Oh my God, even if I was gone, you knew she was my mother. Your child’s grandmother. You ever think of that? How could you do that?”
“I just did. It hasn’t happened in a while, I swear to God it won’t ever again. I—”
Her mouth dropped open into a giant O. “In a while? You’re talking about more than once? You mean you slept with her for years?”
“No. Not like a relationship. Not like anything. Just sometimes, infrequently. Really infrequent.”
“When was the last time?”
The muscles in his neck tightened. “I don’t know.”
“When?”