Seclusion

by Leanne Davis

  “No. I wouldn’t.”

  “I didn’t set out to end up here.”

  “When did you find out you were pregnant?”

  “Within a week of the daughter’s tirade at me. I left him. I left town. And here I came. You know the rest.”

  “Why me? Why did you start up with me? I made no sense to this entire scenario. I was the afterthought, the red herring to your story. There was no reason for me.”

  “There was, there was a reason. I needed you. You needed me. I don’t know why exactly, I just know that I did. And that you needed me too. The night your dad died, you needed me. And I won’t pretend I’m sorry, when I’m not. We never made any promises. You can’t forget that part. You might be angry at me for David, for my pregnancy, but you didn’t promise anything either.”

  “And now? Now what?”

  “Now I go home.”

  “Home to what? Being the professor’s mistress?”

  “No. He’s divorcing his wife. He wants me to marry him.”

  “So you go from sleeping with me to marrying him? In what, a three-day turnaround?”

  “I didn’t agree to marry him. I said I’d go home. That’s it. That’s all I promised.”

  Sean looked toward the water. “Stay here. Stay in Seaclusion.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t stay here anymore. I need to finish up school, get a job, get a life. Get a life going, and that life is not going to be here. Just like you don’t want to leave here to come with me.”

  “You haven’t asked.”

  “Do you want me to? Do you want me to ask you?”

  He breathed in. He felt his heart squeeze in longing. In wanting. Then the reality started to seep through his feelings. Where would he live? Work? What about Seclusion? His mother? How could he leave his mother? He was out there every other day. How could he leave that all to Sarah? For what? A relationship still in its infancy? All for a woman who was pregnant, with a baby he didn’t want to raise?

  Angie’s gaze was on him. She let out a sigh. “You see, you’re hurt, you don’t like the thought of David and me, but neither can you picture leaving here for me. For this baby. We were a beautiful, unexpected relationship. But we have no future. We both can see that. I think we both always knew that. That’s why it happened so fast, so intense, and felt so good. You made me happy. Happier than I’ve felt in my life. Even with David.”

  “He’s too old for you. He’s going to try and take care of you, put you in a box. Don’t let him do that. You’re too special for someone as ordinary as him. At least, I know I’m too ordinary for you, he thinks he’s perfect for you. He’s not. He’s a failed, too old, too lived man who thinks he sees in you all the youth and opportunities that are past him. Don’t be blind to that. Let him help support his child, but don’t let him use that child as way to get to you.”

  “Maybe older for me is better. I’ve proven I’m not exactly practical, or capable, and I tend to get pregnant too much, too easily. Maybe that security is what I need.”

  “He told you that, didn’t he?”

  She hesitated. “He’s right.”

  “He’s not. He’s not right about you. I am. Fuck it,” Sean said suddenly, fiercely, he stood up, pulled her to him, and kissed her as hot, as fast and furious as his anger compelled him to. That she thought she needed David made him furious. He pulled her against him, into him, his mouth over hers, possessing her, strong and wet and hot. She clung to him, her hands around his shoulders. They went from quietly, neatly talking, breaking up, reasonable and responsible to hot, hungry, and unexplainable, as they’d been from the first together.

  What started as anger, as punishment, as fierce hot sex, suddenly became different, tender, passionate, as he cupped her face in his hands, each cheek resting in his palms. The kiss went from tongue and teeth, to softer, sweeter, his lips moving over hers, his mouth sucking hers in reverent gentle tugs and pulls. He felt tears from her eyes fall over their lips, as he realized whatever his head said about Angie and their situation, nothing could change this, that he loved her.

  Her arms came around his neck. His arms went around her, as the kiss slowed, faded, as her face came to his chest, and his chin rested on her blond head. She was shaking with tears and he tried to absorb them. He felt his heart shattering inside him, as she clung to him falling apart outside as he felt inside.

  If only they could be together. Together as in dating, as in young and in love and getting to know each other and what the other wants out of life. Getting to know themselves as a couple, as individuals, and working toward a slow buildup of commitment and future. If only she wasn’t pregnant. That’s all he kept going back to. His unreasonable anger at a baby for ruining what could have been his future, his life, maybe even someday his wife.

  But that wasn’t reality. The reality was that Angie had no time. She had no ease of letting nature take its course. Nature was literally growing inside her and pushing her life forward on a path his own wasn’t ready for.

  She finally disengaged herself. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I can’t stay here. Not with you. You know why. This. This is why. I wanted to say goodbye. Pretend I could make this up to you, or find some kind of closure for this. But that was stupid, wasn’t it? There is no closure to this. There is only pain. I’m sorry, Sean.”

  She wrenched herself from his arms. She looked up at him one last time. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. He reached a hand out to her, but she ignored it, and stepped back. He dropped his hand. She let out a choked sound. She turned, stumbled, caught herself, and then rushed down the beach. Soon, she was lost to the shadows of the trail back to Sarah’s house. Soon she was gone out of sight. Soon she’d be gone from his life, but he feared never from his heart. He stood there motionless, alone, against the fading light sinking over him.

  Eventually he wiped the tears that were damp on his own cheeks.

  Chapter 20

  Marie was born healthy and full term. She rarely cried or fussed. She easily nursed, easily fell into a schedule, and slept through the night. As she grew older, she hit all her milestones, while she smiled and cooed in joy. And Angie found the acceptance she’d been looking for her entire life. Marie filled up every lonely, sad spot left from her sad and isolated childhood. Marie’s soft coos replaced every mean word said by Vanessa. After Marie was born, Angie couldn’t leave her. She took Marie everywhere with her. Marie became a common sight on campus slung onto Angie with first a sling, later in a backpack, and more recently a stroller. Everywhere Angie went, Marie went.

  Angie’s ambitions went from global awareness, traveling, learning, adding to the academic community, to what formula should she use? Which diapers were the best? Which toys were safe for Marie? Where could she find Marie a play group to start her socializing? Angie’s entire life became being a mother to her almost two-year-old daughter.

  Angie married David two months before Marie was born, three weeks after his divorce was final, in a small private ceremony at David’s church. They lived in the two bedroom apartment David rented after his divorce. They saw David’s youngest daughter every other weekend. His oldest hadn’t spoken to him since he married Angie.

  Angie was awarded her graduate degree in history three months after Marie was born. Since then, she assisted David with his work on campus. She helped him do research for the book he was planning on writing. She helped him grade papers, prepare lessons, and even taught for him sometimes. She was good at it too. She loved the students, the discussion, the questions, the interest they had in everything. She loved how naive they all were to her. How sweet it was they still lived in their dreams of grandeur. Dreams she herself once lived in. Before Marie. Before motherhood.

  She was excellent at David’s research. There was no small fact she couldn’t find or verify. She liked more details than less. She could then compile it, summarize it into readable, legible, interesting material for David and his students.

  She never did get around to applying for
a doctoral program. She’d half-heartedly looked up programs, started an application, and then Marie would gurgle, smile, start to talk, something, anything, and Angie’s attention would immediately divert to her daughter.

  Seaclusion became a mirage in her life. She had moments, small moments here and there where she’d think of Sean. Think of the Delanos and wonder how they were, wonder what they were doing, and wonder if she had stayed there, what would her life have been? It certainly wouldn’t be as it was now.

  So when Marie’s second birthday came around she hadn’t seen her family in months. And since they were coming today she wanted to make everything perfect, impressive, showcase for Sarah how well she was doing with the decisions she had made. Decisions Sarah and Scott hadn’t approved of, or wanted for her.

  David was late getting home with the cake. Already in a stress over party details, and preparing dinner as she kept Marie occupied and tried to decorate their small apartment, Angie nearly bit his head off when David finally came through the door with the purple topped cake in hand. He scowled at her as she ran around finishing up last minute details. She didn’t however, question why it was he was late.

  She rushed into their bedroom to comb her hair. She glanced at her outfit; it was wrinkled, but it didn’t have any obvious stains. David entered the bedroom and frowned, as she stood trying to get her long hair into a pony tail.

  “Why don’t you wear it down? Put on a little make up?”

  She made a face at him. “Since when do I wear make-up? I think our wedding was the last time I did.”

  “I know. You could make an effort.”

  “I never have. Not a shock. Why are you bringing this up now? I have twenty people coming, and ten things still left to do in about as many minutes. It’s our daughter’s birthday.”

  “I guess I didn’t ever picture you taking to domesticity like you were June Cleaver.”

  Angie stopped moving, she slowly, gently, set down her hair brush. “Meaning what?”

  “I didn’t think you’d turn older than me in two years.”

  “I’m a responsible mother. That’s not turning older. It’s growing up.”

  He snorted. He started to undress and head for the shower. He was the one who always looked groomed, well dressed, stylish. She froze a moment as she watched him. The smells from his clothes gently wafted up to her nose; the smell of something feminine, girlie. Something that she didn’t wear. Something like perfume.

  “Why were you so late?”

  “I was grading papers.”

  Grading papers. He said that a lot. He was grading this or that. He was meeting with this or that student.

  Which was common, but still, had it increased lately?

  “Isn’t that what your TA’s are for?”

  “What’s your question?”

  David stood naked in the opening of the bathroom, staring right at her, his gaze challenging, unflinching. She immediately backed off, and her head dropped. What had she been thinking? Really? So he smelled like a girl. What was she going to do about it?

  “Nothing. Nothing. I have to finish the green salad.”

  She furiously sliced, chopped, and tossed different vegetables and cheeses into her salad. Her brain humming. Her mind whirling. So it happened more than she liked to admit. David would evade her questions. He would have lame excuses about where he’d been. He would criticize how she looked, and how she took care of Marie, but not herself.

  There were times she didn’t really care where David was, or who he was with. There were more times than not that she simply wished he wouldn’t come home at all.

  For it wasn’t easy to live with David Petrovich. He was moody, he was demanding, he was often cruel.

  Things she didn’t pick up on until they were married. He was demeaning of her, and what she did, yet he didn’t want her to do anything more. He used to like her quiet ways, her thoughts, and her feelings. Now, he more often than not, wondered why she couldn’t be more charming. Why couldn’t she throw beautiful dinners for his colleagues and leave him to discuss the topics of the day. Topics she was as well read or better than David on, but which he didn’t particularly encourage her to express. After all he was the professor, not she.

  David was still a beautiful man despite his forty-seven years. He drew the eyes of all his female students. And more than once Angie saw him flirting, smiling, and using that same engaging conversation he used to use with her. Now he rarely spoke kindly to her. He frowned at her. He ordered her around. And he came home late.

  She learned of the first girl, six months after they’d gotten married. Her name was Carolyn, she was twenty-two and a senior in David’s Western Civilizations class. Angie had found out about the affair when Carolyn showed up at their apartment and started crying out for him. Apparently, he’d broken it off and she couldn’t accept that. So, she’d tried to attack Angie. Angie had called the police, locked her out, and kicked David out for a month.

  He’d been sorry. So sorry. For a long time. She’d been exhausted. Scared. And there was Marie. Always Marie. Who was so precious, and so much work, and Angie wasn’t sure she could do it all alone. So she’d let David come back home.

  And he’d become David of before again. He was seductive, charming, kind, and attentive. He seemed to honor her, love her naturalness, her quietness, her insecurities. Until Mary Jo Hadley, twenty-five, a newly hired secretary in his department started to flirt with him. They had a five month affair, before Angie figured it out.

  She’d left that time. She’d gone to a friend’s she had at the college. But it wasn’t very practical to be bunking down with a toddler. She’d eventually gone home.

  And there had been others. Others that didn’t last long enough to know the names of. Angie had quit seeing it. She’d started to turn a blind eye because she couldn’t stop it, couldn’t fight it, and so she didn’t know what to do about it.

  Who was it this time? Who was he screwing? Tears filled her eyes, and the deep pain in her throat nearly choked her. No. She could not cry. This was her daughter’s birthday. It was about Marie, not David.

  Marie was happily shaping strange creations out of Play-Doh while Angie made dinner. Angie’s heart melted as she watched her daughter. It reasserted why it was she stayed, why she lived with the less than perfect life she’d envisioned.

  She finished the salad and set it on the counter with the rest of the dinner as the main dish heated in the oven. She dried her hands on a towel, and then wondered over to the desk where David had thrown their mail. She picked up the pile, flipped through it until she saw the return address on a white envelope. Seaclusion. Her heart flipped. Seaclusion. Sean.

  God, how she thought about him. Each time she learned of one of David’s girl she would think about what Sean had said to her, about her being David’s mid-life crisis. About her not being David’s first student. Why had Sean sensed that about David and yet she hadn’t had a clue? Each time she thought about Sean, her first thought was; he’d never do this to her.

  Sean would never cheat on her over and over again. He’d never make it out to be her fault. She’d left Sean because she thought she was too big for Seaclusion, that she needed more in her life. Look what more had brought her.

  Angie tore open the seal on the envelope and pulled out the postcard-like advertisement inside. There was a sticky note on it that read; To Angie, Thought you’d get a kick out of this. I knew you’d understand what it meant more than most. Love, Sarah. Angie pulled the note off. Under it was a picture of a three-story Victorian house with a long porch, big wide steps, and a circular turret off of one side. Seclusion. Her heart stopped. It was a picture of Seclusion, finished and in full grandeur. The picture was imprinted on the post card to make stationery. The post card was a printing of The Seclusion House Bed and Breakfast, located just a few miles east of Seaclusion, Washington. Angie’s heart stopped. He’d done it. Sean had finished the house. Oh God, he’d done it. It was open. It was a business.
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br />   She stared at the picture, at the porch, at the front door.

  Angie closed her eyes for a moment. She remembered the sun on her face as she had watched Sean hammer boards onto that very porch. She remembered how it felt to lie back on gritty, sandy, broken steps. She remembered…everything. In that moment she remembered what it felt to love someone, easily, purely, in a healthy, wonderful way. In the way she’d loved Sean.

  She shook her head as the tears came, they fell onto the post card, hit the house and made some of the ink blur. She quickly dried it with her sleeve.

  Sean had opened his dream. Had he filled it with the family he wanted someday? The wife who would live on the beach with him? Who would eventually, when he was older, give him kids?

  She stared at the now finished house. How she remembered disdaining Sean for that house.

  Questioning why Sean would do that, tie himself to that house, to Seaclusion. But he had, and look at what he’d accomplished.

  “Angie, where the hell is my—”

  David’s yell jerked Angie out of her reverie over the post card. She stuffed it into a drawer, turned back to her life, to David, to everything she’d chosen for herself.

  Sarah hadn’t seen Angie in a few months. Every few months Sarah took the girls and traveled to Bellingham to see Angie. She stayed in a hotel near their small apartment. Sarah, Scott, and David had never warmed up to each other. The Delanos tried to give David a chance, but he talked to them like they were so provincial they could never understand the lofty ideals of his work. Of his thoughts. Sarah had nailed him a few times, purposely with facts she knew. No one told Sarah she was dumb. But because of the animosity Angie rarely saw her family.

  Sarah followed Angie into the small galley kitchen as she was fussing with the meal and setting it on the eating bar as a buffet.

  “Scott wants you to know he’d be here, but—”

  “I know. Tell him, it’s okay. I miss him too.”