The Wedding Gift

by Marlen Suyapa Bodden

  “Did he let you go by yourself?”

  “Yes, he always gave me a pass, and I only rode by day. I came here because Mr. Allen told Master Charles that he needed a foreman to look after his stables.”

  I kept my hands in my lap because I did not want him to see them trembling. I could think of nothing to say, but I kept thinking that he knew the land and the roads beyond Allen Estates. We were silent for a time.

  “I need to get back to the stables. May I call on you again, Miss Sarah?”

  “Yes,” I said perhaps with too much enthusiasm.

  That evening, as we were preparing supper, my mother teased me about Isaac.

  “Why don’t you take your young man a basket and have supper with him at the other kitchen?”

  “Ma’am, please. He is not my young man.”

  My mother laughed. “Go on, Belle and me will finish up.”

  When supper was ready, I prepared plates with enough food for Isaac and me. My mother gave me a large covered jar of tea and two glasses, and I arranged everything in a basket. I tidied myself in our cabin and asked my mother if I could remove the cloth from my head.

  “No, not yet, baby. In time. Just put on the head cover with the pretty flowers on it. You look real nice with it.”

  Isaac was not there when I arrived at the kitchen and meal room for the slaves who worked in trades and in the stables. One of the cooks sent a young boy for Isaac. When he walked in, he looked even more exquisite than I recalled.

  “My ma’am sent you supper.”

  “Thank you, Miss Sarah.”

  I arranged the food. Soon other slaves began arriving and sat around us at the long table. The men looked at us and smiled. I did not mind. I asked Isaac what he had done that day, whether he had traveled. He said that he had only driven to the neighboring Greystone Plantation to help with two horses that were sick. One had a broken foreleg and had to be put down. Everyone ate quickly because we had to return to our labor after supper. Isaac said that he would be awake all night, tending to one of the animals in the stables. He said that he would call on me the next day. I returned to Allen Hall after eating with him because I had to ready Clarissa’s bath.

  That night, I could not concentrate on my reading of Mr. Wordsworth’s poetry about the English countryside. My only thoughts were about Isaac, who did not look like the other slaves. The skin on his hands was smooth and his fingernails were clean. Isaac’s coachman’s uniforms were made of the finest fabrics and his boots from calf’s leather. My mind was troubled, perhaps because part of my interest in Isaac was the possibility of fleeing with him from Allen Estates. Exhausted by my thoughts, I closed my book, hid it in the washroom, and went to our cabin to sleep.

  The next afternoon, as I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, Isaac came to see me. “Is there any tea and peach cobbler for a tired coachman?”

  I set the drinks and cobbler on the table. We spent some moments together, not speaking, just enjoying the sweets.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked me.

  “Oh, nothing. Well, just all those times that you traveled by yourself. Did you ever think of not going back?”

  His reaction was frightening. He looked around the kitchen as if there were someone in hiding. “No, never. Look, maybe it’s because you’re so young, but I figured Miss Emmeline had taught you better. You can’t talk about these things. And no, I have a good life. I saved money from when I was at Master Charles’. When he sold me to Mr. Allen it was with the understanding that Mr. Allen would hire me out and let me keep some of the earnings. I plan to buy my freedom someday. If I have a wife and children when that day comes, of course I’ll buy them too. If I tried to do it any other way, I could get hurt and sent to work in the fields. Sarah, don’t be so trusting. Don’t ever say such things to someone you just met. They could tell Mr. Allen what you asked about.”

  I began to cry, but he smiled at me and told me that we should forget about it and never mention the conversation again. He finished his pie and returned to the stables. I did not see him for almost a month after that day because he did not come around, and we were occupied with preparing for Mrs. Allen’s family from Georgia. I learned from my mother that Mr. Allen had hired out Isaac to the Greystone Plantation. She told me when he returned and said that I should go to see him after we had our midday meal. At the stables, I saw Isaac grooming a horse, a tremendous animal, but Isaac was gentle with it, and the great beast seemed to enjoy being brushed.

  “I was going to come to see you, but I’ve been training some boys Mr. Allen just bought before he hires me out again, this time to Georgia.”

  Isaac must have noticed my disappointment.

  “That’s all right, baby girl. I’m putting aside money for us.”

  I smiled. “Come by for supper before you get sent out again.”

  “I will.”

  I almost skipped back to Allen Hall. There was a commotion when I stepped in the kitchen. My mother ordered me to put on an apron and help with the cooking before I went upstairs to help Clarissa dress for supper. She told me that the Allens had a visitor, a gentleman who was going to court Clarissa. When my mother dismissed me, I went to the Hall and found Clarissa sitting on her bed, crying. Her mother stood in front of her.

  “Puppet, your father has consented to Mr. Cromwell’s request for permission to court you. The decision is final.”

  “I don’t care, and I told you already, I don’t like Mr. Cromwell, he’s an old man. I won’t go to supper. I won’t.”

  “Clarissa, stop behaving like a child. You must do what is expected of you as a lady. It is time to plan your marriage. You cannot spend the rest of your life going to dances and visiting different gentlemen.”

  “I don’t care. I won’t meet him.”

  “Darling, when you are married, you will not be far and you will visit with us, as we will visit with you. And, I am sure, puppet, your papa will allow you to have Sarah as your maid.”

  That was how I learned what my future was to be, and my only thought was that my dreams of escaping were those of a fool. My absurd notions of running away or being bought into freedom by Isaac were exposed for what they were, empty plans made by a girl in bondage.

  “Sarah, are you crying?”

  I did not answer.

  “Answer me when I speak to you,” Mrs. Allen said.

  “No, no, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am.”

  “Sarah, you are not being a good little maid to Clarissa. I will have to tell Emmeline to speak with you. Prepare Clarissa’s bath and get her ready for supper.”

  She left the room and I remained standing, unable to move.

  “Sarah, why can’t you be like Bessie? Mama has an obedient maid who came with her all the way from Georgia, but you cry when you hear that you’ll be living with me when I marry. If you don’t want to come with me, I’ll ask Papa to give me another maid and to send you to work in the fields.”

  I helped Clarissa bathe and dress and consoled myself with the thought that perhaps, after all, this turn in my life would provide a way to escape. When Clarissa returned to her rooms after supper and I was preparing her for bed, she seemed happy. She said that everyone had told her that she was beautiful and that she had changed her mind about Mr. Cromwell, a planter in Talladega from a family that had been prosperous for many generations. The Cromwells, said Clarissa, were almost as wealthy as the Allens.

  “His father owns a shipbuilding yard in Mobile and trades in goods with other nations.”

  “What about Mr. Evans?”

  “I will continue to visit him when I go to Montgomery to see Grandmamma and Grandpapa. But Papa will never let me marry Mr. Evans because his father only owns about fifty slaves.”

  I could not stop thinking about this change in my life. I did not want to live away from my mother and Belle, and I wondered what would happen to Isaac and me. If I was expected to couple with Isaac as my mother had indicated, would he also be sold or given to Julius C
romwell? I hoped that my mother would have answers to my questions, and in the morning I asked her what was going to happen to Isaac and me.

  “Baby, I don’t know. You think Mr. Allen tells me what he’s going to do? But he did say that I should get you married to Isaac.”

  “When were you going to tell me, Mama?”

  “I wanted to see what you thought about him.”

  “But Mama, is Mr. Allen going to let Isaac go with me when Clarissa gets married?”

  “Miss Clarissa, Sarah.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I think so, baby. That’s why he said to get you married to him. And he want you and Belle to be settled down. But I need you to help me with Belle. She don’t want to listen to me, and Mr. Allen said to get her with a abroad man. She said that she never wants to have nothing to do with no man again, not like I blame my baby, after what she’s been through. Mr. Allen said he talked to Mr. Atkins, and Mr. Atkins is going to hire out one of his blacksmiths to come here so Belle and him can get to know each other. That was the best I could do.”

  “What if Belle doesn’t like him?”

  “Mr. Allen said he’d try one more time and get Mr. Atkins to send somebody else, but Mr. Allen said that’d be it. He said the only other thing she can do is go down to where the field hands be and find a man there. He said that’s because it’s been two years since she had the girls and it’s time to have some sons.”

  “Poor Belle. I’m sure that you tried to get him to change his mind.”

  “No, I didn’t, really. I got to be careful about what I say to him, especially when it got to do with saying when any of his slaves should have babies.”

  When I spoke to Belle, she was resigned about having to get an abroad man.

  “Sarah, it ain’t no secret that Mr. Allen want us all to have babies. At least Mama got him to agree that I can see if I like the man first, and if I don’t, I can say no and try meeting another one.”

  The blacksmith, Zeke, arrived the following week, and he escorted Belle to a gathering at the slave quarters on a Saturday night. Belle invited him to meals at the kitchen after that, and he met her girls. He remained at Allen Estates for a month. When he left, Belle told my mother that she consented to him as her abroad man. My mother relayed the information to Mr. Allen, who ordered the Hall overseers that a cabin be built and equipped with furnishings for Belle and her daughters. Once Belle was in her own cabin, Zeke returned and they established a pattern whereby he spent Saturdays and Sundays with her and returned to the Atkins plantation Monday mornings.

  Two months after Zeke became Belle’s abroad husband, my mother made arrangements for my marriage to Isaac. She obtained permission from Mr. Allen to have a celebration in the meal room where Isaac and the other skilled slaves ate. He consented and agreed to pay all the costs. Dottie, Mrs. Allen’s seamstress, made my wedding dress. My mother and the rest of us who worked in the Allen kitchen cooked and baked the morning of my wedding. Some cooks from the other kitchens were brought in to help, as the Allens’ meals for the day also had to be prepared.

  Mr. Allen permitted Bessie, Dottie, most of the Hall servants, and Miss Mary and her family to attend. My mother said that I did not have to wrap my hair. She made two braids intertwined with blue stars from her garden and tied them in a knot on top. Her smile told me that I made an acceptable bride.

  There was no ceremony because the preacher was not allowed to marry us. After we ate, Isaac and I went to his cabin. I was anxious about the night, but when Isaac kissed me, I forgot my worries. When he undid my braids, the flowers fell on the floor. Then he helped me with the buttons in the back of my frock. While he was undressing himself, I turned my gaze away at first, but then I saw that his body was as beautiful as his face. He lay next to me, kissing my lips, my neck, and each inch of my skin. When he was inside me, I could not separate the pain from the exquisite sweetness that spread to every area of my body.

  With the exception of our nighttime coupling, our lives continued their routine of working from dawn until ten o’clock in the evening. As any new bride, I wanted to make our cabin pretty. Mrs. Allen ordered the seamstresses to sew linens for us and the furniture makers to build a table, chairs, cabinets, and a new bed. I planted vegetables in the little garden. Soon I had made a home for my husband and me.

  My monthly bleeding ended when Isaac and I had been married for two months. When I realized that I was expecting, Isaac had been hired out to a plantation and would be away for another week. I spent the night crying. In the morning, when I went to the kitchen, my mother asked why my eyes were swollen.

  “Because I miss Isaac.”

  She seemed satisfied with my answer. At the end of the day, I asked my mother and Belle if Belle could sleep in my cabin that night because I did not want to be alone.

  “Yes, and Emmie and Ruby can stay with me. I don’t have to go to Mr. Allen,” my mother said.

  As soon as we were in my home, I told Belle that my bleeding had not come down. “Belle, I lied to Mama. I think I’m going to have a baby, and I don’t want to because if I do, I can’t ever run away.”

  “Sarah, you’re a grown, married woman now but you’re still talking like a child about running away. I thought you was happy with Isaac. So why do you want to run?”

  “I am happy with him, but I’m not happy here. It’s not like anything has changed just because I got married. We still live in fear that Mr. Allen is going to do something to us, that he’s going to get tired of Mama and sell us all. Did you ever think about that, Belle? What if he decided to sell…no, I can’t even say it. But really, what if he gets tired of Mama? What’s going to happen to all of us?”

  “Sarah, what’s going to happen is going to happen. Ain’t nothing we can do about it. Yes, I do think about it, all the time, but all we can do is be obedient and pray that he won’t do something like what he did to me again. And anyway, even if you ain’t got no baby, you can’t run. Look at what happened to my own papa. Look at what happened to me. You can’t run, Sarah, that’s just a dream. And anyway, if you try to take the baby out, you could die.”

  “What? What do you mean take the baby out?”

  “Nothing, never mind. I’m just talking foolishness.”

  “Belle, what did you mean take the baby out? Tell me.”

  She did not answer.

  “Tell me…Belle.”

  “All right, but don’t say this to nobody. When they had me at Master Reynolds’, they said a field hand died when she got another girl to help her try to take her baby out.”

  “But what do you mean, take the baby out?”

  “They told me they put a knitting needle or something like that inside that made her bleed and that made the baby come out.”

  “That sounds like it would hurt too much. I couldn’t do that. The only thing I can do is…never mind.”

  “The only thing you could do is what, Sarah?”

  “Kill myself. I won’t spend the rest of my life like this.”

  “Sarah, don’t even talk like that.”

  “Why not, because it’s a crime for slaves to talk about killing themselves? If you think about it, Belle, that’s the only power we have over Mr. Allen, and that’s why it’s a crime. If I want to kill myself, I’ll go ahead and do it because it’s my life, not Mr. Allen’s.”

  “Sarah, I don’t know what Mama and me would do without you. Please don’t say that again, please. We love you so much. Baby girl, promise me that you won’t do that.”

  “All right, I promise. Besides, I don’t think I’d have the courage to do it anyway. And it’s a sin. I wouldn’t see you, Mama, and the girls in heaven. But I need to do something.”

  “This is what I’ll do. I’ll go by the field tomorrow and see Miss Mary. I know she ain’t going to say nothing to nobody if I ask her if there’s something she can give somebody to bring down the bleeding. Sarah, you do know that if Mr. Allen finds out anybody is asking for something like that, they could be beat
en and sold? But Miss Mary, she won’t say nothing because she’s like our own auntie, that’s what she is.”

  The next day, Belle whispered to me when we were alone that Miss Mary had given her four herbs, three of which she already knew. She taught her about the fourth and gave her instructions for preparation of all four together. Belle had placed the herbs at the bottom of a basket and covered them with a cloth. On top of them, she had placed ordinary cooking herbs that Miss Mary had sent to our mother, whom we told that I still needed Belle’s company that night.

  “You all go ahead. Mr. Allen ain’t back yet.”

  That evening, after our work was done, we went to my cabin. We lit a fire, and Belle brewed separate teas from the three herbs: goldenseal, pennyroyal, and cotton root bark. The fourth herb, blue cohosh, she placed in a jar and poured rum on it that I kept in the kitchen for cooking. She covered the jar and hid it amongst my cooking wares. The blue cohosh, said Belle, had to sit until the next evening. Once the teas had cooled, I drank each, grimacing as bitterness stung my mouth and throat. I felt nothing afterward, other than a horrible taste that lingered on my tongue.

  The following morning, we learned that Mr. Allen had returned to Allen Estates. Mr. Davis, one of the Hall overseers, told my mother to go to the Hall that night. Belle told me that we had to continue with the remedies for the next two nights and that she would not be able to sleep in my cabin because she needed to care for her girls. She told me to take the herbs, including the jar with the blue cohosh, and sleep in her cabin.

  The next two days, I still felt nothing and my days were uneventful, but the third evening, while we were cleaning the kitchen, I felt jabbing pains in my abdomen. I told my mother and Belle that I had to go to the outhouse. I returned to the kitchen and continued my work. As I was washing a pot, I felt an ache so strong that I tumbled to the floor. My mother and Belle helped me to my mother’s cabin. I told them that I felt something on my legs and lifted my dress. Blood had soaked through my undergarments and had flowed past my knees. The agony in my abdomen intensified. My mother asked me why my bleeding was so heavy and whether I had missed my last monthly.