I wasn’t ready to deal with the feelings in my body or the worry over my sudden scent change so I decided to be the first to volunteer for the outing. “I’ll go. I want to see her shop.”
“Me too,” Xany said. “Maybe she’ll have some cool stuff for the house.”
“How about you, Vanessa? Want to come along?” Caden’s grin was daring.
“Will it be messy?” Vanessa asked, mischief twinkling through her eyes.
“Maybe,” he replied with a chuckle. “Up for it?”
“Mhmm…” She issued him a wicked grin.
“Caden! And you say I’m the troublemaker!” Xany exclaimed.
“What can I say? I learn from the best.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
The raging storm lasted longer than we expected. The heavy wind, rain, and golf-ball-sized chunks of hail spewing from the sky were fabulous. The cabin lost power for a few hours, which didn’t really affect us all that much. Mal kept the fire going, and we still had running water. The guys cooked hot dogs in the fireplace that tasted perfectly charred, and Xany made dip to go with our chips. The lull of the rain beating down on the roof made me relaxed and tired. Twice I dozed off on the sofa.
“I’m going to go lay down for a while,” I said.
Xany and Caden were lying on the floor by the fire. She was resting her head on his chest with her eyes closed, her hand moving in a gentle caress. Vanessa was purring contently while sitting sideways in the armchair, dangling her legs over the arm. Mal was sitting on the floor, whittling a piece of wood. He looked up at me. “Feeling all right?”
“Just tired. The rain makes me sleepy.” I got up, giving Vanessa a pat on the knee as I walked past, then disappeared into my room. She reached out to let her hand drag across my waist. She didn’t follow me, which was a little bit surprising. Maybe she was feeling a bit self-conscious.
I pulled back my blankets and curled into bed, cracking the window open to listen to the rain and the rumbling thunder outside. I hugged my pillows and melted into the comfort of my bed.
***
I could hear myself screaming, and my body was shaking so hard that I couldn’t get a grip on the bed to push myself up. Mal dived onto the bed and plucked me up from my hiding spot where I was huddling in the corner. The screaming was so loud I had to cover my ears.
“Shawnee, shh… It’s okay, you were having a dream.” He brushed his fingers against my cheek, his tone soothing, and he tried to calm me.
Mal’s quick movement abruptly stopped my screaming. All I could hear was the familiar underwater sound emanating from him when he spoke until I heard, “Take me with you.” Mal’s voice was injected into my brain like a cool liquid calming and surrounding me.
Caden and Xany were standing in the doorway of my room, and at nearly the same time, Vanessa appeared in front of them. She stood beside the bed, growling and snarling at Mal. I opened my eyes just as Mal pulled me into his lap. When she saw that he wasn’t hurting me, Vanessa knelt beside us. Tears trickled down my cheeks. I was like a five-year-old being coddled after a nightmare. It was embarrassing and confusing to have everyone in my room. I wanted to push Caden and Xany out the door and scream at Mal and Vanessa to get away from me, but I didn’t. I sobbed and collapsed against Mal’s chest, covering my face. Vanessa’s growling stopped when she came closer to stroke my hair.
“I hate this,” I muttered through my sobs. “I hate it so much.”
Mal rubbed my back and rested his chin on my head. He sucked in his stomach, holding in his breath. I wondered if that’s how he squashed his emotions because sometimes that’s how I squashed mine. Vanessa caressed my cheek and tugged my hands away from my face. I glanced between her and Mal, feeling my stomach drop and sullenness wash over me.
The energy sucked out of my body, and I went limp, reduced to nothing more than a silent, teary mess. Mal wrapped his arms tighter around me while Vanessa tilted her head back and closed her eyes, fighting her own tears. I’m not sure how, but it was like she sensed my defeat. Caden squeezed Xany, and his throat made a wolven gargling sound. Xany was holding on to him like she’d gotten weaker over the last few minutes.
“Shawnee.” Mal was the one to break the silence. “You-you have to think about some of this. It’s been a while since you’ve had a nightmare or flashback like that, at least a week. When you first moved here, it was nearly every day, sometimes more than once.”
I listened to him. I started to feel his arms around me, his flesh burning into my mine as if in some strange way we were melting together. I watched Vanessa. Her cheeks and eyes were red with sadness. Her body writhed in a silent agony that I couldn’t understand. It was like it was hurting her to not be the one comforting me.
“Mal is right, Shawnee,” Caden chimed in. “Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’ve gotten better. I can sense it in you.” His chest puffed up as if he was pressing some sort of energy outward. His power filled the room, and it took my breath away.
I guess a marathon runner might describe it as something like catching a second wind. It gave me the energy to move again, but that energy turned into anger.
“I hate this so much.” I clenched my teeth and sat up in Mal’s lap. I talked to Vanessa because she was the one that was in front of me. “It’s not fair I have to deal with this. I have no control over anything I do, and then suddenly I wake up and people are holding me in place or caressing me to make me feel better. It’s not fair. I want to know what happens to me. I want to know why you’re holding me and touching me.” My voice got louder as anger surged through me. “I want to feel it while I’m awake and not in some disgusting place where my father is raping me or beating me. I want to have memories of things that are good and not drowned out by alcohol or loud music and bad men.” Hot tears continued to trickle down my face, my breath heaving while I shouted.
Mal seemed to breathe with me as he tapped into my rage. We rode it together. Vanessa took my hands in hers, nodding to me, as if she had been waiting for me to react like this for some time.
“I can’t stand it anymore.”
Only you can change your life…
I heard the echo of Vanessa’s voice in my head. It was an old one, and I closed my eyes, trying to remember where it came from. Her voice sounded younger, firmer. I couldn’t remember ever hearing Vanessa’s voice so strongly in my head. Usually it was my father, or sometimes Mom. Then the memory struck me. My shoulders pressed down by the sudden weight of guilt that I couldn’t place. I watched Vanessa, trying to place her voice and the feelings. I touched her face. Suddenly her hair was shorter, and she had makeup on. I had to blink away the imprinted image to focus again, seeing her as she was now.
“I need to take a bath,” I said. My voice sounded distant, like I was reading a line in a play. I knew exactly what I was supposed to say because I’d said it before. A sudden sense of déjà vu washed over me. The color drained from Vanessa’s already pale complexion. She knew her line too.
“Only you can change your life,” I mimicked the echo as if she could hear it too. At that moment, I was slammed with a memory.
“What does that mean?” Mal asked.
My vision grew hazy, and his voice was a distant whisper…
“How could you bring that asshole back here, Shawnee?” Vanessa’s voice rings in my ears.
“It’s not your business,” I shot back. Suddenly I am in our old dorm room. Vanessa is standing in front of me, wearing a bright red dress with a torn sleeve.
“You look awful. Have you seen yourself lately, Shawnee? Don’t you even care?” She asks and takes a step toward me. I shove her, ineffectively, before storming off toward the bathroom.
“Go fuck yourself, Vanessa. I know my life is fucked up, but it’s not for you to pass judgment.”
“Only you can change your life, Shawnee,” she says. I slam the door in her face.
I blinked out of the memory. Everyone was staring at me, though still standing in the same place
so I knew that I hadn’t lost that much time.
“What—” I started to ask before Mal interrupted.
“Welcome back. Want to fill us in on why you just told Vanessa to fuck off?”
I was sitting sideways in his lap in a way that allowed me to see everyone. I looked between him and Vanessa. “I…what?” Vanessa was still holding my hands and kneeling in front of me. She was shaking harder than I was.
“’Go fuck yourself, Vanessa. I know my life is fucked up, but it’s not for you to pass judgment,’” Mal quoted.
I sighed. It was getting harder to contain myself lately. “It was a memory…”
He waited for me to continue. When I didn’t, he spoke. “None of this is going to get better until you start talking.”
“No, no…she doesn’t have to tell this one,” Vanessa said suddenly, dropping my hands and running her fingers through her own hair. Her complexion had gone from pale to gray. I had no idea why she would defend me shutting down. Normally she was the one who encouraged me to take control of my memories. But then it hit me. She must know something that I didn’t. I frowned at her. Whatever it was that I’d forgotten must have been pretty big, or maybe even humiliating.
Xany decided it was her turn to direct the traffic. “You can’t keep her secrets for her, Vanessa. She has the right to know.” Vanessa moved away from the bed and hissed at Xany for her continuing to bring up secrets.
“What secrets? What else did I say?” I asked. Now I was getting angry at both of them for potentially hiding something.
“She doesn’t remember so what’s the point of bringing it up now, okay?” Vanessa’s voice was quivering. I’d never seen her act this way before, and it was starting to scare me. She glanced at Caden. He looked stoic, which to me meant he was going to let this play out.
“I have to agree with Xany this time,” Mal said as he looked at Vanessa. “Shawnee, what do you remember?”
“I dunno… I guess I brought a jerk home that night, and Vanessa was pissed about it. Her dress was torn. She told me to look at myself because I looked horrible, and I told her to fuck off like you heard. She told me that it was my job to change my life, no one else’s.” I looked at her because that was all that I remembered. She watched me, wringing her hands together while she waited for me to continue.
“Then I slammed the door.” I shrugged; the memory didn’t seem very exciting. “She was right, though. I just didn’t want to hear it I guess.”
“There’s more you’re not remembering,” Xany said, glaring at Vanessa before looking back to me. “She knows it, can’t you tell?”
I looked between the women. “Is that true?”
Vanessa hesitated. She’d started pacing back and forth before sitting in the chair by the writing table. She watched me and gave me a faint nod, drawing her gaze eyes away with a painful look to gaze out the window. The rain was streaming down the glass.
“Think about it, Nee.” Xany moved to the bed.
“Ness?” I scooted forward so I could put my feet on the floor.
Vanessa didn’t look at me; she just shook her head. Her reaction freaked me out so I looked to Xany, chewing my lip. The anxiety pressed on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. If whatever happened that night was affecting Vanessa this way, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know after all.
“I know you’re scared, NeeNee, but it’s not Vanessa’s job to tell you what happened. You have to at least try and remember.” She tucked a bit of hair behind my ear.
She was right; I was scared. I had never seen Vanessa behave like this before. Had I done something to her? Had I hurt her or someone else? Who was the guy? Did he hurt her? I watched Vanessa as she put her head down on her knees. I looked around at everyone. They were all expecting me to tap into a blocked memory, and apparently, it was a badly blocked memory.
“Try,” Xany said encouragingly.
I nodded. If anything I owed it to Vanessa. I closed my eyes and thought about the scene I’d just remembered. I heard the door slamming over and over again in my head. I knew it meant something. I focused on the door.
Take me with you. Mal’s voice jumped into my thoughts. I opened my eyes to look at him; his lips weren’t moving. He nodded to me. I’m here. Just go.
Relief filled me when I heard him inside my head. I’d heard many voices over the years and many echoes to go along with them. His voice was soothing, something I wanted to hang on to. Something I thought I could listen to forever.
“I keep hearing the door slamming over and over,” I told Xany. “But I was already in the bathroom. I think Vanessa left.”
“Did you?” Xany asked her.
Vanessa nodded into her knees without looking up at us.
“Keep going, Nee. You went into the bathroom and slammed the door at Vanessa. Then she left and slammed the door at you…”
I concentrated on that concept and tried to imagine myself in the bathroom. I thought about what the bathroom in the dorm looked like. It was small and had cosmetics scattered in and around the sink that belonged to both Vanessa and me. There was a bathtub to the left and the toilet behind me.
“The bathroom looks red, like the light in there was red.”
“Ness?” Xany checked in with Vanessa again. The werecat shook her head no. “’No’ what?”
“The light wasn’t red,” Vanessa said. She wiped her eyes, then went back to staring out the window.
“Okay, Nee. Just keep going, maybe it will make sense later,” Xany pressed.
I nodded and kept trying to remember what the bathroom looked like. Above the sink was the mirror that Vanessa and I used to do our makeup in. Just as I thought about the mirror, a flash of memory made me jump.
“Zombie. Zombie,” I gasped.
“Where is the zombie? Look at me, Shawnee. Everyone here is with you, and you’re safe.”
I looked at Xany and tried hard to slow down my breathing. “Me. In the mirror.”
Xany thought quickly about what I was trying to say. “You saw yourself in the mirror, and you looked like a zombie. Remember when you and I were in the mirror? Remember that?”
The image in my head changed, and I remembered when Xany and I stood in the mirror together. My breathing slowed down naturally. “I wasn’t a zombie then.”
“That’s right. And you’re not a zombie now. You saw yourself as a zombie back then, that’s why you drew it, remember?” Xany tried to put pieces together for me.
It helped, and it gave me a small confidence boost. “Vanessa said I looked horrible that night. She was right. My face was sunken, and my makeup was running. I had a bruise on my cheek. I don’t remember how it got there.”
“You didn’t know back then either,” Vanessa croaked.
“Let’s not worry about that piece then. Keep going, what else do you see?” Xany asked.
“Nothing. I mean, just me…” I paused. “I don’t see anything, but I hear a lot of things…” I trailed off.
“What do you hear?”
“I hear… I hear my dad. He tells me I’m disgusting and useless. That he would kill me if he could, but people would notice if I had gone missing.” I reached up and touched my ears. “I tried to cover my ears.” The words began to pour out of me now, and it became effortless to try and remember. “’Die, you dirty bitch, die. Do it yourself if you have to. No one wants you around, you worthless piece of shit. Just like your mother.’” My voice dropped an octave as I mimicked what I was hearing.
Vanessa watched me intently; she didn’t seem to know this part of the story. My eyes burned with tears. It’d been a while since I’d heard my father’s voice that clearly. It scared me. Parts of my body started to ache with the physical echoes of his abuse. My legs, my scar, my cheek.
“What happened next?”
You’re safe now, Shawnee, remember that. Mal’s voice rang into my head. I took a deep breath and let his words wrap around me like a warm blanket.
“He said…he said I should do i
t myself. I saw myself in the mirror and decided to listen to him. He was right, I deserved to die.” I was stuck between remembering and being in the room with my packmates. “There was a razor. On the sink.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to continue. Instinctively I knew where it was going. My head ached from tapping into the deepest depths of my mind to remember. I didn’t want to.
“Go on,” Xany urged.
“I grabbed it and snapped it in half so that the blade was exposed. My mind was clear. It was like I was making the right decision and that everything would be better. I couldn’t change my life but I could end it. I was powerful—at least in that moment. I felt like I finally had control of something. So I filled up the tub and got in it. I remember what I was wearing. I had on black heels and tight jeans that were torn in different places and a bright red shirt. I looked like one of the Go-Gos.” I glanced up at Xany and made a face. “What an idiot.”
“No distracting.” Xany smirked as she chastised me.
I looked over at Vanessa who was crying quietly, and she put her head down on her knees again. My heart broke for her as the rest of the memory poured from my lips.
“I got in the tub, Xee. I got in, and I took the razor, and I slit my left wrist. I remember screaming at the pain, and then suddenly it was gone. I saw the blood pulse from my vein and run down my arm. I took the razor and slit my other wrist. I was shaking, but there was a sense of calm. I wasn’t scared anymore.” I had to pause there to catch my breath through my sobs. “I thought about my mom and wondered if she would catch me when I fell, and then I thought about Vanessa… I got so tired. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore, and I slipped down into the water and watched the bubbles rise from my lips. I opened my eyes and everything was red from under the bloody water. Everything…”
Then I realized why everything looked red when I first thought of the bathroom. I tried to kill myself in the bathroom that Vanessa and I shared without a single regard for who would find me. I knew why this memory was one she didn’t want me to share. She was the one who found me. It had to have been. I wanted to scream and break things. I looked over at Vanessa who was still folded against her knees.
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