“I woke up in the hospital,” I told Xany. Caden looked like a statue, and Mal was seething at the forces that had pushed me that far. “I never remembered anything else except the hospital.” I was clenching my teeth so tightly that it was making my jaw hurt. I slid off the bed to kneel in front of Vanessa. She startled when I touched her. I pried her hands away from her head. She sobbed, looking at me with a tear-stained face, crying harder than I had ever seen her cry. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she was scared.
“Tell me what happened when you found me.” It was a difficult thing to ask, and I knew it would be even more difficult for her to answer.
She shook her head and reached out to touch my face; despite her pain she still tried to comfort me.
I grabbed her hands and held them in mine. “Please.”
“I could smell your blood down the hall. I ran back.” She sobbed. “I took down the door. There was so much blood. Your heart was still beating. I took you out of the tub. Your heartbeat was getting slower.” Her tears dripping onto our laced fingers. “I couldn’t let you die, Shawnee.” She met my gaze. “I licked your wounds. Both of them…” She turned my wrists over and ran her thumbs over them. “No scars!” Her voice became deep, and she spoke through her growling.
I looked down at my wrists, and she was right. There were no scars. Some cats have powerful gifts, and Vanessa had just divulged one of hers. Her tongue had the power to heal.
“I tasted your blood and breathed into you. Your heartbeat steadied, and you started breathing on your own again. I called our friend Jaxon, and we took you to the hospital.” She sniffled and closed her eyes. “They couldn’t figure out how you had become so anemic. We never told. You couldn’t remember anyway, so what did it matter? You were alive.”
I grabbed her, pulling her into crushing a hug. She melted into my arms, and I held her, burying my face in her hair to cry along with her. “I’m sorry, Vanessa. I’m so sorry.”
When I apologized, she wrapped her arms around me and nuzzled her cheek against my neck. I didn’t deserve her forgiveness or anything she had given me over the past ten years or better. I heard the others leave the room and the door close, leaving us alone to process the expulsion of a very big secret.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Vanessa and I spent the better part of an hour on the floor, tangled up together. After a while, our crying ceased, and her purring slowly returned. I ran my fingers through her hair, and she did a gentle kneading motion on my thigh.
“At least now I know why you always interrupt my showers,” I whispered in her ear. She looked at me with a faint smile. I caressed her cheek; her eyes were soft emeralds. “And why I don’t have any scars anymore.”
She glanced away for a moment. “They made you unhappy,” she whispered.
“I thought healers could only heal open wounds and battle scars.” I brushed my lips against her cheek.
“Those were battle scars.” She purred harder with my affection.
“How could you stand me after that? That was a horrible thing to do. I had no regard for you because I was too caught up in my own pain.” The guilt becoming nearly too much to manage. “Promise not to keep any more of my secrets?”
She nodded, leaning in to nuzzle my neck. She rested against the bed and plucked me off the floor to sit in her lap. I straddled her legs to face her. Her purr was strong, vibrating through me like one of those rocking baby chairs. She rubbed my thighs while both of us sat in a silence that could only be described as awkward despite her purring.
My mind seemed at war. Part of me had a huge sense of relief while the other was wrestling to get control of the guilty feelings I was suddenly harboring. The only person other than my mother to care about me and take care of me was the one I hurt the most. I didn’t mean to hurt Vanessa, but the fact that I had totally disregarded her feelings without thinking of how it would affect her bothered me. What other horrible things had I done to her?
“Stop thinking,” she said.
“I can’t help it. You were always good to me and never left me. Ever. And you still don’t, and I turned around and did something like that.”
“Shawnee…” She slipped her hands up my shirt to rest on my stomach. “It was a long time ago and you were really sick back then. More sick than you have ever been. It was my choice to stay with you after that. It was my choice to try and help you have a better life. If anything, it taught me how much help you really needed.”
“It shouldn’t have had to be that way. I could have asked for help.” I shivered. Her hands were cool against my overheated skin.
“Stop that. You didn’t know how to ask for help. You still don’t,” she stated with a smirk. “You can’t judge yourself back then. It’s just not right. Hell, Shawnee, you can’t judge yourself about how you acted six months ago, let alone six years.”
It was hard not to judge the fact that I came across as a blind and selfish person. “I’ll try.”
“And besides, you had some help. You didn’t make the decision to die on your own. When you spend half your life being told that you should die or kill yourself, eventually you might believe it.” She frowned, her eyes drawing away to stare out the window. “I hated your father.”
“Me too.” I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
She smiled and touched my face, brushing her thumb over my bottom lip. I surprised her by trying to bite her thumb. Her entire face lit up as if she’d suddenly been given a breath of life. She always liked when I was playful. “Hey!”
“What?” I laughed at her reaction.
“Oh, nothing. Shawnee, even if you can’t forgive yourself, I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you. A long time ago I forgave you.” She slipped her fingers behind the waistband of my jeans. It made my stomach jump.
“But you’ve still carried it with you.” Out of sheer curiosity, I placed my hands on her stomach. I wasn’t sure why she always had her hands on my abdomen, so I returned the gesture. Her stomach flip-flopped under my touch. The velvet of her dress was soft and fuzzy. “I saw how you reacted today.”
“Maybe. But no one has ever asked us about our secrets before. It was more about that than the actual event itself. You’ve never talked about anything, Shawnee. Not until you came here at least. I’m always afraid of how pushing issues will set you off. So it was kind of a bit of each of those things,” she explained, biting her lip when I kept rubbing her stomach. Her purring became wheezy sounding, like it does when she is really enjoying something.
“Do you think I’m getting better? Like the others said?” I ran my fingers around her stomach, leaving little trails in the velvet. I’d never really noticed what her dress felt like before.
“Honestly, yeah. I do,” she said. The more my fingers moved, the more she responded. Her stomach kept fluttering, and she kept shifting her legs around a bit. “You sleep through the night now without waking up a hundred times crying or shaking. It only happens once in a while. I know you’ve been here only a few months, but it’s noticeable. Maybe it has something to do with being a part of a pack or maybe because it’s given you time to actually work on things in your own life instead of drowning yourself in work at the hospital.”
“Which is why you told Caden that you think I needed more time off?” I realized I still felt a little bitter about her saying that, though I didn’t know why.
Her cheeks looked flushed though I wasn’t sure why. “Yeah. And I almost killed Mal when I saw him on the bed with you. I thought he was the one that made you freak out.”
“He didn’t. Mal actually… I dunno, he doesn’t scare me. Caden does a little still,” I said. “I think Mal heard me scream.”
“I heard you scream, and I was by the lake.” She smiled at me gently and ran her finger from my cheek, down my neck, between my breasts, and back to my stomach.
My entire body shuddered. This time I couldn’t ignore it. “What was that?”
“What was what?” She looked confused.
“That feeling.” I gestured at my stomach, uncertain how to describe it.
“What feeling? I can’t feel what you feel.”
“When you did that thing.” I mimicked and showed her how she ran her finger down my middle. “It made me feel funny.”
She did it again, but this time she went slower and used most of her hand rather than her finger. A shiver rushed down my spine, and warmth was building in my lower belly.
“Yeah, that.” I bit my lip in effort to keep the pleasure from my face.
“Enjoyment, I imagine.” She grinned, her eyebrows flicking upward.
“I should at least know what those things feel like.”
“How can you know if you never learned?” she asked, purring and returning to rubbing my thighs.
“Good point. I feel a lot of funny things lately that I don’t understand,” I admitted.
“Why do you think that is?” she asked, although I had a feeling she had the answer.
“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Maybe because I’ve been feeling better lately. Even though I still sleep a lot sometimes.”
“You need to sleep, Shawnee. You used to avoid it at all costs then sleep for two days straight. That’s unhealthy. You sleep more normal now. And I agree; I think you’re feeling things because you’re feeling better and relaxing.”
“It’s just weird I guess.” Unshed tears began to burn in my eyes. I blinked them away, trying to understand why I wanted to cry over being better. It was scary to think about being better and feeling things. I’ve never known what better meant. After spending all these years being fucked up and messed up, I had little frame of reference for these things.
“Why the tears?” She nudged my chin up.
“Just a little scary I guess. I don’t want to feel too much—the bad stuff hurts so much sometimes. I hate waking up with that feeling.” I sniffled, and she wiped away my tears.
“What feeling?” She tucked my hair behind my ears, then lifted my arms and placed them on her shoulders so that we were forced to stay in position.
“The pain in my body, it feels so real,” I said. “I don’t want to feel that.”
“That pain, Shawnee, is like…” She paused to think about it. “Echoes. It’s like, you can feel it, but it’s not really happening. It’s like a memory echoing in your body.”
I thought about that concept. That’s how my thoughts seemed sometimes and the voices I heard; it might be the same for my body. “My thoughts can be that way too,” I told her.
“We’ll keep an eye on that and tell me when it happens again, okay?”
I nodded and hugged her. Her body was warm, and her arms around me were safe. She leaned me back a bit and rested her forehead against mine.
“No more tears.”
I smiled when her eyes were bright and playful again. It’d been a while since I’d seen her fully enjoying herself. Maybe she was getting better with me.
“No more tears,” I repeated.
She laughed and brushed her lips against mine in a delicate, nuzzling gesture. I tried to ignore the fact that my stomach was doing all sorts of weird, fluttering stuff. My body and sensations were in control, leaning me toward her. She jerked back, apparently surprised by my response. When she had brushed her lips against mine in the past, I just let her do it without responding or thinking about it. This time, however, my body responded for me. Her eyes searched my face in an awkward dance, probably trying to decode what was happening. I stayed as still as possible.
When she realized she had my full attention, she brushed her lips against mine again. This time though, I mimicked her movement. Her lips were silky and delicate, and I pulled back at the unexpected sensation. She leaned toward me again, and this time she let her lips linger just bit. Feeling her warm breath, I moved into it—the sensation rising in my stomach drove me to do so. She closed the small distance between us, and our lips touched completely. She guided me into a gentle kiss that only lasted a few seconds but seemed like minutes. My heart thumped in my ears, and my whole body got warm and tingly. I broke the kiss. Her pupils were dilated and her lips red with arousal. My face blazed with warmth. She simply smiled at me, pulling me into a crushing hug. Instead of the gentle halfhearted hugs I often gave, I squeezed her tight, not only with my arms but my legs as well.
“Life looks good on you, Shawnee,” she whispered in my ear.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The pack was growing more and more connected. Caden and Mal were becoming more attuned with Xany and me with each passing day. It was how it worked when a pack lived together. The alpha had a growing sense of each member of his pack. If the connection grew, he would be able to employ a gift similar to Mal’s where he could communicate with us privately. It was not the same as Mal’s in that he can speak to each of us individually. It was more of a pack-wide thing. It was useful in battle and in sticky situations. Xany and Caden were growing closer every day. I imagined he may officially choose her as his mate. Things will change then. The pack will be stronger. The pack was always stronger when the alpha and beta choose mates.
Vanessa left after our talk to go to work. I didn’t want her to go, and she didn’t want to either, but it was necessary to part ways for a little while. I didn’t think too heavily on the kiss we shared. Cats are notorious for their overt affection, and I thought now that I was growing more comfortable around her, Vanessa was able to be herself and let her true nature show. I was more surprised than anything.
I knew that the others were stewing in the main room with no idea what condition we would emerge in. I could sense them waiting, especially Mal. I wanted to go and soothe them, but I decided to take a shower first.
I took my time in the shower to think about what had happened between Vanessa and me this afternoon. I was afraid of how many other events I’d forgotten about or blocked in my life. It killed me to know that my selfish, hopeless decision hurt Vanessa. We were both young at the time, but no young person deserves an experience like that.
I let the water cascade over my face and down the front of my body, running my hands over my skin as I looked down at myself. I remembered a few places where there had been scars such as my left arm where the piece of glass got stuck. There wasn’t a mark on my skin anywhere except my stomach and the small scar on my knee. Vanessa healed every single one of my scars and saved my life with the very same gift. I owed her so much.
As I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, I remembered how Vanessa’s lips felt against mine. The soft, delicate flesh of our lips mingling and the taste of—I think it was strawberries. I jerked myself from the uncomfortable thoughts and hurriedly finished my shower. Before today, I had forgotten what kissing felt like. I had no memories of kissing anyone at all. Sex and anything in the realm of it was something I often pushed from my thoughts. I never enjoyed it. I never cared to be with people in that manner. Even though I had been known to entertain many men throughout the years, it was never for me.
The part that confused me the most is that it’d been Vanessa. Cats don’t usually kiss, as a general rule. It was all about affection and sex. I’d gotten used to Vanessa’s mild affection and was never surprised with the numerous men she’d brought in and out of our lives, but kissing was something totally different. Maybe she thought it was part of an affection I’d appreciate because after all, wolves kiss just fine. It couldn’t be anything else. It just couldn’t. I couldn’t bear thinking about it anymore. I quickly dried off and dressed, brushing out my hair and shaking off my thoughts as I exited the bathroom to join the others in the main room.
Three sets of eyes followed me as I sat down on the sofa. Xany came over and sat beside me. “Are you okay, NeeNee?” She stroked my wet hair.
“I’m fine, Xee.” I let her baby me for the moment in an attempt to soothe her. She was obviously worried and needed to feel useful.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, then decided to tell her what was still bothering me. “Yeah. It
just makes me wonder how many other really big things I’ve forgotten.”
“Well, you remembered that one with just a little help,” she said encouragingly. “You can probably recover most if you tried, and if you wanted to.”
“I think so. At least I know I wasn’t crazy about the scars. I did have a lot, Vanessa healed them all. She said that they were battle scars…” I trailed off, trying not to think deeply on the concept.
“Did you know she had a healing tongue?” Mal asked.
“I didn’t. The thing that makes me the saddest is how much I’ve disregarded her. I was only fooling myself. I knew she was a cat the moment I met her and just chose not to acknowledge it.” I fought the urge to curl up in a ball of misery and guilt.
“You can’t change the past, Shawnee, only go forward,” Caden chimed in, and I appreciated it.
“I know…I know.” I looked to Xany. “I really did kind of look like a zombie you know.”
“I believe you, NeeNee, but you don’t now.” She pulled me into a hug.
I returned her hug genuinely. I bit my lip, feeling the urge to suddenly talk to her more, but I didn’t want to in front of the guys. I thought of all people I knew, she would have the most insight into the relationship stuff that only confused me.
“Is Vanessa okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, she had to go to work. She seemed okay…” I trailed off. “Are we still going to Imogene’s shop?” I didn’t want to talk about the fact that Vanessa seemed more than okay.
“You’re so cute, NeeNee.” Xany giggled, tackling me into another hug.
“Ack!” I laughed. “Why am I cute?”
“I dunno, just because. We’ll go to Gene’s now.” Xany let me go to bounce over to Caden. Mal chuckled at her and watched me for a moment before standing.
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