She snickered and gave me an affectionate nip on the neck. “Mhmm,” she said, then let her entire hand disappear into my pants. My heart began to race. She wasn’t touching anything other than my scar, but my thoughts began to bubble again intrusively. I had to admit, even if it was just Vanessa, I was terrified of being touched any lower.
“What if it hurts?” I asked through bated breath. I tried to keep talking. Sometimes listening to my own voice was the only way to battle the echoes. I didn’t have Mal here in my bedroom to help me.
“What if what hurts?” Vanessa stared down at me, apparently puzzled by my question.
“What if…when you touch me, it hurts?” I dug my fingers into her shoulder, holding on for dear life.
“Then you tell me and I stop. Does it hurt when you touch yourself?” she asked, suddenly concerned.
I shook my head and shrugged at the same time. “I dunno.” Just talking about the potential for pain had me shaking. She removed her hand from my pants and wrapped her arms around me tightly.
“Shawnee, you’ve had sex before with men. Did you feel hurt then?”
“It didn’t feel like anything. I can’t remember,” I said. “I’m scared it will hurt like when I wake up in the morning or when I have one of those blackouts.”
“I know,” she said. “I know you’re scared. We don’t have to do anything that makes you scared.” She nuzzled me; her purring was soft and comforting.
“I hate it, why can’t I just want it like you do? You’ve had sex with men, too, and liked it, why not me?” I shifted position so that I was resting my head on her chest and listening to her purring.
“I wish I had all the answers for you.” She ran her fingers through my hair.
“Please tell me you don’t have to work today.” I nuzzled her neck. The thought of separating from her was almost unbearable.
The smile on her face was sad. “I do. I can see if Caroline can cover the class if you want me to stay.”
“No.” I shook my head, sniffling a little bit. “You need to work. It’s okay. I’ll go for a walk by the lake while you’re gone and try to sort out my thoughts.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. We can’t go calling out of work every time I have an issue with attachment.” I smirked, trying to make light of my emotions.
“Hey, at least you’re attached. That’s a good thing.” She snickered.
“Mhmm. Will you try something first?” I tried to keep the shy smile from seeping onto my lips. Bravery in these situations wasn’t my strongest suit.
“Yeah, of course.” She tapped her finger on the edge of my nose.
I moved so that I was lying flat again. I took her hand just as she had taken mine the night before and placed it on my stomach under my shirt. “I remember one time I liked something,” I said and instead of guiding her hand downward, I guided her hand up toward my breasts. She smiled, and I watched her porcelain features flush a strawberry pink, which made me laugh.
“Are you being shy?”
She smiled but nodded, and we continued our playful exploring until Vanessa had to get ready for work.
While she got dressed, I laid in bed watching her. The blue velvet dress she’d taken from my dresser drawer melted over her torso as if it had missed being there. The dress fit her perfectly and clung to her midriff without the slightest wrinkle. She usually kept a pair of work clothes or a leotard at my old apartment, but I didn’t expect her to have it here as well. While she pulled up her black tights, my eyes lingered on her hands as she moved them over her endless legs.
“No leotard today?” My voice sounded huskier than usual. It surprised me.
“Not today. The children have a recital tonight. We have to look professional.” She sat on the edge of the bed with her hard shoes in her lap. I preferred the hard Irish dancing shoes to the soft ones. To me the soft shoes looked just like ballet slippers and weren’t anything special. The best part about Irish dancing was the pounding beats of the dancers as they clacked away to the Celtic rhythms. I imagined what Vanessa would look like dancing in her dress.
“I’ll have to come watch you dance again sometime soon.” I brushed my fingertips over the hem of her skirt. The velvet was soft and reminded me of the coat of a newborn wolf cub.
“I’d like that.” She smiled at me while tying on her shoes, then leaned over and kissed my cheek.
“Good, because I wouldn’t want you to hate it,” I said, laughing and nuzzling her as she kissed me.
“That would defeat the whole purpose, Shawnee Twofeathers.” She snickered and stood up. “See you tonight.”
“Bye.” I swatted at her playfully as she moved toward the window and disappeared into the inbetween.
I spent some time lying in bed for a while after Vanessa left. After a while, I got up to go about my usual routine. The bathroom was empty when I got up so I showered quickly and dressed. When I entered the kitchen, I expected to see at least one person around; however, all was quiet. I shrugged and decided to venture out to the lake.
Once outside the cabin, I could tell that Mal was somewhere close. A few yards in front of the cabin steps, the fire pit sat surrounded by big stones and some left over logs. The ashes in the center were damp. The air was brisk, but the sun was warm against my face. It was quiet out here, which I liked. The sounds of the morning birds singing and the rustling of the trees as the wind rushed through the branches was about as noisy as it got.
I walked around the east side of the cabin and followed the short trail toward the lake. The leaves on the ground were soggy under my boots. Salamanders scuttled away as I stepped. It was only about a five-minute walk to the lake. A huge rock was planted right by the shore. It was flat on one side and slanted on the other as if Gaia set this boulder down to serve as perfect, natural seating for a view of the lake. I helped myself to a seat on the rock and shivered when the coolness of its surface permeated my jeans. I sat cross-legged, tucking my feet under me, and gazed out over the water.
The lake was not very big, but I imagined it was probably a mile around. The water, now fully thawed, was rippling lightly against the wind. The mountains in the backdrop looked farther away, and I listened to the water lap against the shoreline. I took a deep breath, inhaling nature’s perfume, resting my elbows on my thighs and my chin on my hands. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts drift.
I didn’t completely understand all the feelings that being in a pack again was bringing up. I may have remembered the culture and responsibilities from my childhood, but I certainly didn’t remember the emotions. The physical stuff was the most surprising. Sometimes if Caden walked into the room, I could feel his power and protection inside me that instead of instilling fear, brought trust and safety. Even though my brain was skeptical about trusting him, or anyone, my body couldn’t fight it.
When Xany hugged me, my body was warm, and even though she could be enduringly annoying, my affection for her was growing. I couldn’t fight my responses to them, and I thought I was starting to like the feelings of connection and belonging.
The thing that I had the most difficult time understanding was the way Mal made me feel. In all my life, I couldn’t remember ever wanting to move closer to someone. Not even Vanessa. When his skin touched mine, it ignited a sort of fever inside me that warmed my heart, and sometimes it seemed like his fingers had threads that wove together the fragmented pieces of my soul.
The most baffling part about it was my attraction to him. I’d seen plenty of handsome men in my time, but Mal’s beauty seemed to stand out among them. His sharp jawline, crooked smirk, and luscious build. Sometimes I thought I could stare at him all day long, waiting for the moment when he’d flex his muscles or smile at me in the way that made my stomach do acrobatics.
And Vanessa. I couldn’t even begin to process what was happening with her. I’d been avoiding the thoughts that could help me understand the nature of our relationship. I planned to talk to Xany about it. I thou
ght she’d have the most insight.
Although spring was imminent, there was still a chill in the air. I pulled my jacket tighter around me. I had to admit that I liked living in Utah. Away from the city, tucked neatly into the folds of snowy mountains and bustling trees. The trickle of the stream emptying into the lake caught my attention briefly before a prickle on the back of my neck stole it away. Normally I’d get nervous, but I knew exactly who was approaching, because after all, I’d called him. Mal emerged from the trees, and my heart skipped a beat. He was wearing nothing but a pair of worn cargo shorts, which I knew meant that I’d grabbed him from the middle of something.
“I couldn’t control my thoughts without you here. They keep messing things up and making me feel bad.” I spoke to him before I even saw him.
“How did you know you could call my wolf?” he asked, both of us vomiting the first thing on our minds. He paused, then responded to me. “It will take some time to feel safe, even with the people you feel safest with.”
“I just knew I could.” I turned to look at him. His mere presence filled me with a sense of calm that I couldn’t explain.
He sat next to me on the boulder, looking out over the lake. We were both quiet for a while, taking in what each other had said.
“My wolf likes you,” he admitted in a soft voice.
“I know.” My body had me leaning against him before I could even think about it. “I like your wolf too.”
“What happened after I left?” He put his arm around me.
“Some stuff, but it was fine. This morning I got scared when she tried to touch me. I know it’s illogical that I think I’m going to feel some sort of intolerable pain if someone touches me anywhere, not just in the bathing suit area.” I let my eyes wander out over the lake. “I still flinch when Xany hugs me sometimes.”
“What’s different between me and Vanessa?”
“Vanessa I’ve known forever and she’s never hurt me, and you…” I shrugged. “You don’t scare me, and for some reason a part of me believes you’ll never cause me pain.”
“Maybe it’s time you started challenging some of your belief systems, Nee, and your thoughts.” He rubbed my arm right on top of my glyph.
It seemed like something I needed to do. How to go about doing it was another issue in itself. “I worry that Vanessa will take it as rejection when I get scared.”
“Of course she will. In a way, you are rejecting her by giving into your fear and not trusting her. I know you’ve been through a lot of pain in your life and can understand the fear.” He nuzzled me as he let me put the rest of it together mentally.
“I just have to keep telling myself that pain is only temporary, even if I do feel it.” I looked at him to see if he agreed.
He nodded, and I felt a jolt of pleasure. “Exactly. And pain isn’t always a bad thing. It tells us there’s a part of our body or our soul that needs help or attention.”
I listened to him while resting my head on his shoulder. His free hand rubbed my forearm affectionately. I was pretty surprised that I allowed him this close to me, but I couldn’t help it. Something just felt right about it, like I needed to be close to him. Our skin wasn’t touching so it wasn’t as intense as it had been previously. “I think I was supposed to come here.”
“Here as in Utah or here as in sitting on this rock?”
“Well, both, but Utah specifically. I think I was supposed to meet you.”
“I think I was supposed to meet you too…” He paused and then looked at me with a grin. “Calling my wolf, you’re an audacious little one.”
I laughed, then smiled my most innocent smile.
Chapter Thirty
“What’d you want to talk about, Nee?” Xany asked the next morning as she bounced into the main room where I was sitting on the sofa. Mal and Caden had both gone to work at Hank’s company.
“A few things, I guess.” I set down the newspaper I’d picked up to scan for bizarre stories. It was a habit of mine to look for weird news that humans concocted in order to explain supernatural events.
“Is it about Vanessa? And Mal?” She asked in a singsong voice before hopping onto the couch beside me.
“Maybe.” I slouched a bit, my confidence draining from me. “I don’t feel like talking anymore.”
“Hey! That’s not fair. You can’t be a tease about talking.” Xany huffed as she glared at me. “And besides, I can tell you have something you want to talk about.”
“Caden told me he thinks you’re an empath. You lied to me.” I shot her a playful glare. I wanted her to think I was a little mad at her, just for fun.
“I didn’t know I was! I swear,” she whined, then paused suddenly and thwapped my leg. “Stop being rude. You’re only rude to me you know.”
“Noted.” I tried as hard as I could to prevent a smile from appearing on my face.
“Stop it!” She lunged on me, knocking me backward onto the couch, then lying on top of me. “It’s infuriating!”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Xany! Get off me.”
“Nope. Not until you tell me why you’re so rude to me.”
“Because you always want more information and you’re an empath!” I bopped her with a pillow. “You’re not supposed to pry out my secrets.”
“I wouldn’t have to pry them out if you would just tell me the things I want to know,” she said with a giggle.
“You’re incorrigible.” I sighed in an exaggerated fashion, turning my eyes to the ceiling.
“I know,” she smiled, resting her chin on my chest.
“Your eyes remind me of Mal’s sometimes.” I brushed a bit of hair away from her face. With Mal and Caden off working for Hank, I couldn’t feel the pack as closely as when we were all in the same house. Mal’s absence was particularly noticeable.
“His are darker.” She batted her lashes.
“Yeah… What does it feel like when you love someone?” The words rolled out of my mouth before I could even think about it.
“Like just love them or be in love with them?” Xany’s expression brightened, and she tilted her head.
“Just love them.” I shrugged, trying to play off the seriousness of my question.
“It’s kind of a warm feeling, like…” She paused. “Like just talking to them or being near them makes you feel a little bit more whole,” she said, a soft smile playing on her lips.
“And what about being in love, what does that feel like?” She had my full attention now. I wanted to understand everything she was telling me. One day I might love someone without realizing it.
“Instead of just feeling a little bit more whole, you feel a lot more whole. Your whole body feels that person and responds to them. It makes you smile and cry and laugh and crave and want all at the same time. And you miss them when they’re gone, even if they were only gone for a little while.” Xany had a dreamy expression on her face. I wondered if she was talking, or thinking, about Caden.
I listened to her, thinking that I was beginning to understand what she was saying. Xany surveyed me. “Think of one person you loved a long time ago. Even if it was a pet.”
“My mom. I know I loved her, and I know she loved me too.”
“Do you remember that feeling of loving and being loved?” She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear as she often did. This time I didn’t swat her.
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember. It came to me rather quickly as it often did when I thought about my mom. “I remember,” I said, opening my eyes again.
“So see? You do know what it feels like, Nee. You just had to think about it.” She smiled.
“I know I love Vanessa,” I said after brief silence.
“I know you do too.”
I tried to ignore the fact that her smile had turned smug. “I know she loves me as well.”
“I know she does too.” Xany giggled. When I didn’t say anything else, Xany spoke. “What are you thinking, Nee?”
“Do you think it’
s possible to love more than one person at the same time?”
“You can love a hundred million people at the same time, Nee.” She grinned, obviously entertained by my naiveté when it came to love.
Uncertain, I tried to rephrase my question. “I mean, can you be in love with more than one person at the same time?”
“Yes. I think you can.” She tapped her lip, looking thoughtful.
Her answer only served to confuse me more. I needed to understand, needed to know that what I was feeling was not only acceptable, it was encouraged. “But how?” I tried to keep the desperation for a real, solid answer out of my voice.
“I think so because maybe you need both of them to fill you up and make you whole. Maybe sometimes there is so much to fill up that only two people can do it,” she rationalized.
I mulled over her words for a few minutes. It seemed like it made sense. “I think I knew Mal before. In another life. He feels familiar to me. Like he holds half of me somehow. Does that make sense?”
“Mhmm. I think it does. And Vanessa?”
“Vanessa’s just…always been. Always,” I said and then lifted a brow at her. “If I love her, does that mean I’m a lesbian?”
Xany nearly cracked up. “Not if you like men too.”
“I like men, but just one woman. What’s that mean?” My stomach jittered with nerves as I awaited her answer. Being attracted to someone of the same gender was wrong, wasn’t it? But then, why was it so right with her?
“It doesn’t mean anything, Nee. You love who you love, why label it?” She shrugged, coupled with a grin.
“I like that idea.”
“Four months here, Nee, and you’ve grown so much. Did you know Vanessa loved you before you came here?” she asked. I was pretty sure she was using this time to get some information out of me. Leave it to Xany to seek the opportunity.
“Not until that day that I remembered when she saved me, and we kissed.” I looked away from Xany. It was still hard for me to grasp what was occurring between myself and Vanessa. We’d been friends for so long. Just friends. I was freighted of that relationship changing.
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