My Mistress's Sparrow Is Dead: Great Love Stories, From Chekhov to Munro

by Jeffrey Eugenides

  Well, you would do what I did, you would, you would slip through, and when Carolyn un-Velcroed that Velcro wearing her blue Guess

  kimono, whispering, Oh my God, I thought you’d never ask, that would be the most romantic thing you had ever underwent.

  And though I had many times seen LI 34321 for Honey Grahams,

  where the stream of milk and the stream of honey enjoin to make that river of sweet-tasting goodness, I did not know that, upon making love, one person may become like the milk and the other like the honey, and soon they cannot even remember who started out the milk and who the honey, they just become one fluid, this like honey/milk combo.

  Well, that is what happened to us.

  Which is why soon I had to go to Mr. Slippen hat in hand and say, Sir, Baby Amber will be having a little playmate if that is okay with you, to which he just rolled his eyes and crushed the plastic cup in his hand and threw it at my chest, saying, What are we running in here, Randy, a freaking playschool?

  Then he said, Well, Christ, what am I supposed to do, lose two valuable team members because of this silliness? All right all right, how soon will Baby Amber be out of that crib or do I have to order your kid a whole new one?

  Which I was so happy, because soon I would be a father and would

  not even lose my job.

  A few days later, like how it was with Ruthie and Josh, Mr. Dela-

  court ’s brother the minister came in and married us, and afterward barbecue beef was catered, and we danced at our window while outside pink and purple balloons were released, and all the other kids were like, Rock on you guys, have a nice baby and all!

  It was the best day of our lifes thus far for sure.

  But I guess it is true what they say at LI 11006 about life throwing us not only curves and sliders but sometimes even worse, as Dodger pitcher Hector Jones throws from behind his back a grand piano for All-state, because soon here came that incident with Baby Amber, which made everybody just loony.

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  Which that incident was, Baby Amber died.

  Sometimes it was just nice and gave one a fresh springtime feel-

  ing to sit in the much-coveted window seat, finalizing one ’s Summary while gazing out at our foliage strip, which sometimes slinking through it would be a cat from Rustic Village Apartments, looking so cute that one wished to pet or even smell it, with wishful petting being the feeling I was undergoing on the sad day of which I am telling, such as even giving the cat a tuna chunk and a sip of my Diet Coke! If cats even like soda. That I do not know.

  And then Baby Amber toddled by, making this funny noise in her

  throat of not being very happy, and upon reaching the Snack Cart she like seized up and tumped over, giving off this sort of shriek.

  At first we all just looked at her, like going, Baby Amber, if that is some sort of new game, we do not exactly get it, plus come on, we have a lot of Assessments to get through this morning, such as a First-Taste Session for Diet Ginger-Coke, plus a very critical First View of Dean Witter’s Preliminary Clip Reel for their campaign of “Whose Ass Are You Kicking Today?”

  But then she did not get up.

  We dropped our Summaries and raced to the Observation Window

  and began pounding, due to we loved her so much, her being the first baby we had ever witnessed living day after day, and soon the paramed-ics came and took her away, with one of them saying, Jesus, how stupid are you kids, anyway, this baby is burning up, she is like 107 with men-ingitis!

  And maybe we were stupid, but also, I would like to see them para-medics do that many Assessments and still act smart, as we had a lot of stress on our plate at that time.

  So next morning there was Carolyn all freaked out with her little baby belly, watching Amber’s crib being dismantled by Physical Plant, who wiped all facility surfaces with Handi Wipes in case the menin-gitis was viral, and there was the rest of us, just like thrashing around the place kicking things down, going like, This sucks, this is totally fucked up!

  Looking back, I commend Mr. Slippen for what he did next, which

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  was he said, Christ, folks, all our hearts are broken, it is not just yours, do you or do you not think I have Observed this baby from the time she was born, do you or do you not think that I too feel like kicking things down while shouting, This sucks, this is totally fucked up? Only what would that accomplish, would that bring Baby Amber back? I am at a loss, in terms of how can we best support Ruth and Josh in this sad tragic time, is it via feeling blue and cranky, or via feeling refreshed and hopeful and thus better able to respond to their needs?

  So that was a non-brainer, and we all voted to accept Mr. Slippen’s Facility Morale Initiative, and soon were getting our Aurabon® twice a day instead of once, plus it seemed like better stuff, and I for one had never felt so glad or stress-free, and my Assessments became very nuanced, and I spent many hours doing and enjoying them and then

  redoing and reenjoying them, and it was during this period that we won the McDorland Prize for Excellence in Assessing in the Midwest Region in our demographic category of White Teens.

  The only one who failed to become gladder was Carolyn, who due to her condition of being pregnant could not join us at the place in the wall where we hooked in for our Aurabon®. And now whenever the rest of us hooked in she would come over and say such negative things as, Wake up and smell the coffee, you feel bad because a baby died, how about honoring that by continuing to feel bad, which is only natural, because a goddam baby died, you guys?

  At night in our shared double Privacy Tarp in Conference Room

  11, which our Coordinators had gave us so we would feel more mar-

  ried, I would be like, Honey look, your attitude only sucks because you can’t hook in, once baby comes all will be fine, due to you’ll be able to hook in again, right? But she always blew me off, like she would say she was thinking of never hooking in again and why was I always pushing her to hook in and she just didn’t know who to trust anymore, and one night when the baby kicked she said to her abdomen, Don’t worry angel, Mommy is going to get you Out.

  Which my feeling was: Out? Hello? My feeling was, Hold on, I like what I have achieved, and when I thought of descending Out to some-

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  where with no hope of meeting luminaries such as actress Lily Farrell-Garesh or Mark Belay, chairperson of Thatscool.com, descending Out to, say, some lumberyard, like at LI 77656 for Midol, merely piling lumber as cars rushed past, cars with no luminaries inside, only plain regular people who did not know me from Adam, who, upon seeing me, saw

  just some mere guy stacking lumber having such humdrum thoughts as thinking, Hey, I wonder what’s for lunch, duh—I got a cold flat feeling in my gut, because I did not want to undergo it.

  Plus furthermore (and I said this to Carolyn) what will it be like for us when all has been taken from us? Of what will we speak of ? I do not want to only speak of my love in grunts! If I wish to compare my love to a love I have previous knowledge of, I do not want to stand there in the wind casting about for my metaphor! If I want to say like, Carolyn, remember that RE/MAX one where as the redhead kid falls

  asleep holding that Teddy bear rescued from the trash, the bear comes alive and winks, and the announcer goes, Home is the place where you find yourself suddenly no longer longing for home (LI 34451)—if I want to say to Carolyn, Carolyn, LI 34451, check it out, that is how I feel about you—well, then, I want to say it! I want to possess all the articulate I can, because otherwise there we will be, in non-designer clothes, no longer even on TrendSetters & TasteMakers gum cards with our photos on them, and I will turn to her and say, Honey, uh, honey, there is a certain feeling but I cannot name it and cannot cite a precedent-type feeling, but trust me, dearest, wow,
do I ever feel it for you right now. And what will that be like, that stupid standing there, just a man and a woman and the wind, and nobody knowing

  what nobody is meaning?

  Just then the baby kicked my hand, which at that time was on Carolyn’s stomach.

  And Carolyn was like, You are either with me or agin me.

  Which was so funny, because she was proving my point! Because

  you are either with me or agin me is what the Lysol bottle at LI 12009

  says to the scrubbing sponge as they approach the grease stain together, which is making at them a threatening fist while wearing a sort of Mexican bandolera!

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  When I pointed this out, she removed my hand from her belly.

  I love you, I said.

  Prove it, she said.

  So next day Carolyn and I came up to Mr. Slippen and said, Please, Mr.

  Slippen, we hereby Request that you supply us with the appropriate Exit Paperwork.

  To which Mr. Slippen said, Guys, folks, tell me this is a joke by you on me.

  And Carolyn said softly, because she had always liked Mr. Slippen, who had taught her to ride a bike when small in the Fitness Area, It ’s no joke.

  And Slippen said, Holy smokes, you guys are possessed of the fruits of the labors of hundreds of thousands of talented passionate men and women, some of whom are now gone from us, they poured forth these visions in the prime of their lives, reacting spontaneously to the beauty and energy of the world around them, which is why these stories and images are such an unforgettable testimony to who we are as a nation!

  And you have it all within you! I can only imagine how thrilling that must be. And now, to give it all up? For what? Carolyn, for what?

  And Carolyn said, Mr. Slippen, I did not see you raising your babies in such a confined environment.

  And Slippen said, Carolyn, that is so, but also please note that neither I nor my kids have ever been on TrendSetters & TasteMakers gum cards and believe me, I have heard a few earfuls vis-à-vis that, as in: Dad, you could ’ve got us In but no, and now, Dad, I am merely another ophthalmologist among millions of ophthalmologists. And please do not think that is not something that a father sometimes struggles with, in terms of coulda shoulda woulda.

  And Carolyn said, Jon, you know what, he is not even really listening to us.

  And Slippen said, Randy, since when is your name Jon?

  Because by the way my name is really Jon. Randy is just what my

  mother put on the form the day I was Accepted, although tell the truth I do not know why.

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  But in my dimmest mind I can very clear recall her voice calling me Jon in my possibly baby days.

  It is one thing to see all this stuff in your head, Carolyn said. But altogether different to be Out in it, I would expect.

  And I could see that she was softening into a like daughter role, as if wanting him to tell her what to do, and up came LI 27493 (Pruden-tial Life), where, with Dad enstroked in the hospital bed, Daughter asks should she marry the guy who though poor has a good heart, and we see the guy working with inner-city kids via spray-painting a swingset, and Dad says, Sweetie the heart must lead you. And then later here is Dad all better in a tux, and Daughter hugging the poor but good dude while sneaking a wink at Dad, who raises his glass and points at the groom’s shoe, where there is this little smudge of swingset paint.

  I cannot comment as to that, Slippen said. Everyone is different.

  Nobody can know someone else ’s experiences.

  Larry, no offense but you are talking shit, Carolyn said. We deserve better than that from you.

  And Slippen looked to be softening, and I remembered when he

  would sneak all of us kids in doughnuts, doughnuts we did not even need to Assess but could simply eat with joy with jelly on our face before returning to our Focused Purposeful Play with toys we would Assess by coloring in on a sheet of paper either a smiling duck if the toy was fun or a scowling duck if the toy bit.

  And Slippen said, Look, Carolyn, you are two very fortunate people, even chosen people. A huge investment was made in you, which I would argue you have a certain responsibility to repay, not to mention, with a baby on the way, there is the question of security, security for your future that I—

  Uncle, please, Carolyn said, which was her trumpet cart, because

  when she was small he had let her call him that and now she sometimes still did when the moment was right, such as at Christmas Eve when all of our feelings was high.

  Jesus, Slippen said. Look, you two can do what you want, clearly. I cannot stop you kids, but golly I wish I could. All that is required is the required pre-Exit visit to the Lerner Center, which as you know you

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  must take before I can give you the necessary Exit Paperwork. When would you like to take or make that visit?

  Now, Carolyn said.

  Gosh, Carolyn, when did you become such a pistol? Mr. Slippen

  said, and called for the minivan.

  The Lerner Center, even when reached via blackened-window minivan, is a trip that will really blow one ’s mind, due to all the new sights and sounds one experiences, such as carpet on floor is different from carpet on facility floor, such as smoke smell from the minivan ashtrays, whereas we are a No Smoking facility, not to mention, wow, when we were led in blindfolded for our own protection, so many new smells shot forth from these like sidewalkside blooms or whatever that Carolyn and I were literally bumping into each other like swooning.

  Inside they took our blindfolds off, and, yes, it looked and smelled exactly like our facility, and like every facility across the land, via the PervaScent® system, except in other facilities across the land a lady in blue scrubs does not come up to you with crossed eyes, sloshing around a cup of lemonade, saying in this drunk voice like, A barn is more than a barn it is a memory of a time when you were cared for by a national chain of caregivers who bring you the best of life with a selfless evening in Monterey when the stars are low you can be thankful to your Amorino Co broker!

  And then she burst into tears and held her lemonade so crooked

  it was like spilling on the Foosball table. I had no idea what Location Indicator or Indicators she was even at, and when I asked, she didn’t seem to know what I meant by Location Indicator, and was like, Oh I just don’t know anymore what is going on with me or why I would expose that tenderest part of my baby to the roughest part of the forest where the going gets rough, which is not the accomplishment of any one man but an entire team of dreamers who dream the same dreams you dream in the best interests of that most important system of all, your family!

  Then this Lerner Center dude came over and led her away, and she

  slammed her hand down so hard on the Foosball table that the little goalie cracked and his head flew over by us, and someone said, Good one, Doreen, now there ’s no Foosball.

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  At which time luckily it was time for our Individual Consultation.

  Who we got was this Mid-Ager from Akron, OH, who, when I asked

  my first question off my Question Card they gave us, which was, What is it like in terms of pain, he said, There is no pain except once I poked myself in my hole with a coffee stirrer and Jesus that smarted, but otherwise you can’t really even feel it.

  So I was glad to hear it, although not so glad when he showed us

  where he had poked his hole with the stirrer, because I am famous as a wimp among my peers in terms of gore, and he had opted not to use any DermaFill®, and you could see right in. And, wow, there is something about observing up close a raw bloody hole at the base of somebody’s hair that really gets one thinking. And though he said, in Question No.

  2, that his hole did not present him any special challenges in terms of daily maintenance, looki
ng into that hole, I was like, Dude, how does that give you no challenges, it is like somebody blew off a firecracker inside your freaking neck!

  And when Carolyn said Question No. 3, which was, How do you

  now find your thought processes, his brow dorkened and he said, Well, to be frank, though quite advanced, having been here three years, there are, if you will, places where things used to be when I went looking for them, brainwise, but now, when I go there, nothing is there, it is like I have the shelving but not the cans of corn, if you get my drift. For example, looking at you, young lady, I know enough to say you are pretty, but when I direct my brain to a certain place, to find there a more vivid way of saying you are pretty, watch this, some words will come out, which I, please excuse me, oh dammit—

  Then his voice changed to this announcer voice and he was like, These women know that for many generations entrenched deep in this ancient forest is a secret known by coffee growers since the dawn of time man has wanted one thing which is to watch golf in peace will surely follow once knowledge is dispersed via the World Book is a super bridge across the many miles the phone card can close the gap!

  And his eyes were crossing and he was sputtering, which would have been sort of funny if we did not know that soon our eyes would be the crossing eyes and out of our mouths would the sputter be flying.

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  Then he got up and fled from the room, hitting himself hard in the face.

  And I said to Carolyn, Well, that about does it for me.

  And I waited for her to say that about did it for her, but she only sat there looking conflicted with her hand on her belly.

  Out in the Common Room, I took her in my arms and said, Honey, I

  do not really think we have it all that bad, why not just go home and love each other and our baby when he or she comes, and make the best of all the blessings what we have been given?

  And her head was tilted down in this way that seemed to be saying, Yes, sweetie, my God, you were right all along.

  But then a bad decisive thing happened, which was this old lady came hobbling over and said, Dear, you must wait until Year Two to truly know, some do not thrive but others do, I am Year Two, and do you know what? When I see a bug now, I truly see a bug, when I see a paint chip I am truly seeing that paint chip, there is no distraction and it is so sweet, nothing in one ’s field of vision but what one opts to put there via moving one ’s eyes, and also do you hear how well I am speaking?