by E. L. Todd
It made me feel better.
She held my gaze, her lips pressed tightly together.
I continued to look at her, taking comfort in her green eyes. I used to stare into them endlessly, and when she was asleep, I used to anxiously wait for them to open.
She broke the contact when it became too much. “How’s your mom?”
I lowered my gaze.
“Sorry…she had to come up eventually, right?”
“The question doesn’t bother me.” Francesca could ask me anything she wanted. She had that right—always would. “She’s okay. When we talk, she says everything is fine. He doesn’t hit her anymore. But I don’t believe that.”
She held her hands together on the table.
“I’ve been depositing money into her private account for a long time now. I want her to run away. She has enough money to start over anywhere she wants. But she won’t.”
She bowed her head in sadness. “I’m sorry, Hawke.”
“I know.”
We stared at each other for several minutes again, a silent conversation happening between us. I would give anything to be normal, to not have this problem. I could be with the one woman I actually loved. But I was forced to keep my distance from her, to suffer in silence.
“Axel told me he liked Kyle.”
“That’s a surprise,” she said. “Axel doesn’t like anybody.”
“I know…so he must have been pretty great.”
“He was.” She fidgeted whenever she talked about him. “What about you?”
“What?” I asked. “Does Axel like me? I’m not sure sometimes.”
She laughed, and her green eyes brightened. “You know what I meant.”
I shrugged. “Nothing has changed with me, Francesca.” That was enough to answer her question. I had meaningless one-night stands and woke up alone. My life was constantly the coldest month of the year. I hadn’t felt alive…in forever.
“No one special in the past two years?”
“No.” I was hurt she would even ask that. “Anyone else besides Kyle?”
“A few here and there…but nothing serious.”
The waiter brought the pizza slices and placed them between us. It disrupted the tense moment, which was good for both of us.
Francesca looked out the window while she ate her food, keeping her thoughts hidden from me.
I ate quietly, my eyes fixed on her.
Neither one of us said another word for the rest of the meal. Just being in each other’s presence was enough to quiet our aching hearts. Five feet separated us, but there was so much more distance between us.
It stretched forever.
***
The last punch broke the bag.
It ripped from the chain and fell to the ground, making a loud thud as it crashed to the concrete floor.
My knuckles were sore from the constant pressure, and sweat marked my forehead. I breathed hard, but I wished I were out of breath. I stepped back and shook my arms, getting the blood flowing again.
Zander, my trainer, grabbed the bag from the ground. “It’s busted.”
“I’ll pay for it.” I unwrapped my wrists and felt the circulation increase.
“Something on your mind, Hawke? You seem particularly pissed off.”
Just at myself. “No.”
Zander gave me an incredulous look but didn’t voice his doubt. “You can always talk to me, kid.”
Kid? I’m almost thirty. “I know.”
“Wash up and we’ll pick this up tomorrow.”
Without another word, I headed into the locker room and got under the running water. I began my training to dissipate my anger. I thought if I trained hard enough, my temper would fade away.
But it didn’t make a difference.
***
When I got out of the shower, I spotted Rebecca going through my nightstand. “Do you mind?”
She flinched when she’d been caught.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I was a private person, and I didn’t appreciate being searched like a criminal. I slammed the drawer shut and gave her a venomous glare. “Get dressed and get the hell out.”
“I’m sorry, Hawke. I was just looking for ChapStick.”
“Then you should have asked.”
“It was an honest mistake.” She didn’t get dressed and continued to sit on my bed wearing one of my t-shirts. In her hands was my journal.
Now I was pissed. “Honest mistake?” I snatched it from her violently. “Leave before I throw you out.”
“Look, I’m sorry. Just calm down.”
I grabbed her clothes from the ground and threw them at her. “Go. Now.”
She stood up and slowly pulled her clothes on, taking as long as possible.
I pulled on my running shorts and a t-shirt, purposely not looking at her because I was afraid I would rip her throat out.
“What happened to her?”
I turned her way, my guard up.
“Francesca.”
My temple thudded from the blood traveling through my body, and my hands formed fists. “None of your damn business.”
Rebecca searched my face and found the answer to a question she never asked. “You love her.”
That’s when I snapped. I gripped her by the arm and dragged her out of my apartment.
“Hawke, I was just curious—”
“Don’t call me again.” I shoved her across the threshold.
“Let me explain—”
I slammed the door in her face then locked it.
My journal was personal. It detailed every aspect of my life. After I read Francesca’s, I decided to make my own to deal with my pain and suffering. I’d been doing it for years with no sign of recovery.
But I kept writing.
Remission
Francesca
“You like it, right?”
I stood in front of the mirror in the floor length gown. It was deep green and skin-tight, bringing out the natural color of my eyes. With my dark brown hair, I felt like a fancy park ranger. “It’s nice.”
“Be honest.” Marie gave me the stink-eye.
“It’s very pretty.”
“Come on, Frankie.” She threw her arms down. “Tell me the truth.”
“You want the truth?” I asked.
“Yes.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“It’s your day and you shouldn’t give a damn whether I like it or not. That’s the truth.”
Marie rolled her eyes. “I want you to be comfortable.”
“Marie, I would wear a Godzilla costume if that’s what you wanted. Now pick whatever the hell you want and I’ll walk the runway with a smile on my face.”
She finally smiled. “You’re the best maid of honor ever.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said like a smartass.
“Alright. Then let’s get it.”
***
After dress shopping, we went to the deli where Marie got a salad that looked like a head of lettuce.
I eyed it with disapproval. “I know you’re on a diet but…you need to eat real food.”
“Get off my back,” she said defensively. “Axel is already on my ass at home.”
At least she was eating with him.
“Anything new with you?” she asked. “I feel like all we talk about is me.”
“Because we do.”
She shot me a playful glare.
“Well…Hawke and I got lunch the other day.”
She stopped stabbing the lettuce with her fork and turned her full focus on me. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, he came by the bakery and asked if I was hungry.”
“Shut. Up.”
“What’s the big deal?” I admit it was a little unusual but we’d been seeing each other pretty often anyway.
“He asked you out on a date. That’s a pretty big deal.”
“It wasn’t a date.”
“Sounds like it.”
“Marie, believe me. I would know if I
were on a date or not.” I sipped my soda then took a bite of my meatball sandwich.
“What happened?” she asked excitedly. “What did you talk about?”
“He asked me about Kyle…and if I was okay.” That question surprised me the most. I didn’t expect him to ask me about my romantic relationships—ever. It was too awkward for both of us.
Her jaw practically touched the table.
“What?”
“He asked about your ex-boyfriend?” She was practically squealing. “He’s so trying to get you back.”
“I don’t think that’s what’s going on.” I knew him a lot better than she did.
“Then explain to me what’s going on.” She gave me a sarcastic look, like she expected me to prove her right.
“I think he found out about the break up and wanted to see if I was okay, like he said. And I think he asked me out to lunch because he’s going through a hard time and just needs to be near me…it soothes him. It’s hard to explain. I think he’s a little lost right now and doesn’t know what to do.”
“Lost?” she asked. “Lost from what?”
“Just in general.”
“Or, he knows you’re officially single and wants to swoop in.”
“No.” That wasn’t it.
“Why are you against that possibility?” she asked.
“Because I know him. Nothing has changed. I think knowing I was in a relationship with another guy bothered him. Once I was single again, he got to feel like I was his…even for just a few minutes. And that made him feel better.”
Now Marie looked confused. “You aren’t making any sense—at all.”
“I know…but trust me.”
“You’re wrong and I know you are.” She said it triumphantly, like she knew something I didn’t.
“Why are you so sure of that?”
“Just am.” She kept eating her lettuce but there was a smile on her face.
“Marie?”
“What?”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.” She wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“Girl, I’m about to pull your hair out.”
“It’s nothing,” she said. “Just drop it and keep eating that ridiculously big sandwich.”
“You want to split it?”
She sighed in sadness. “I wish.”
I knew Marie was up to something, but I also knew she wouldn’t talk unless she wanted to. I would just have to wait until her mouth unhinged on its own.
***
I was sitting in my apartment watching TV when something weird happened.
A small noise sounded in my ear, but it was so quiet that I wasn’t sure if I heard it at all. The air in the room changed. It became dense, increasing in temperature and humidity. A sudden static filled the air, putting me on alert. For some inexplicable reason, I no longer felt alone.
I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, listening for a sound that never came. My eyes moved to the door, suspecting someone was on the other side. A sensation formed deep inside me, and it kept telling me someone was on my doorstep.
I couldn’t explain it.
I wasn’t even sure what was going on.
I slowly approached the door, making my feet as quiet as possible. My breathing was slow and steady, and there wasn’t an ounce of fear in my body. When I reached the door I stopped.
I knew who was on the other side.
Hawke was on the other side of the door, standing there without making a sound.
I wasn’t crazy.
I just knew.
I pressed my eye to the peephole just to make sure.
And I was right. He stood there with his hands in the pockets of his running shorts. The t-shirt he wore fit his chest and shoulders nicely. He looked directly at me like he knew I was there even though I didn’t make a sound.
I opened the door without thinking. Words left me and I didn’t know what to say. He would ask how I knew he was there, and I wouldn’t have an answer. We stared at each other wordlessly.
Hawke’s eyes didn’t give anything away. They were closed off and guarded, like usual. His chin was covered in hair like he hadn’t shaved in days. His hands remained in his pocket, and it didn’t seem like he intended to say anything.
I kept the door open but didn’t cross the threshold.
“I want to sleep with you—a one-night thing.” He held my gaze as he said it. There wasn’t a demanding look in his eyes, but it was clear he wanted it.
I knew what he meant. It was nothing physical or lustful. His words were literal.
But should I?
I’d worked so hard to get over him.
It took me an entire year just to get out of bed in the morning.
My heart would always beat for him, but that didn’t mean I should be stupid.
But I wanted him to come in. I wanted to be with him.
I knew I shouldn’t. It wasn’t a good idea. What if it led us down the road that would lead us nowhere?
Or what if I regretted saying no?
“Just one night.”
He nodded his understanding before he stepped inside. His hands were by his sides and he didn’t make a move to grab me. Wordlessly, we went into my bedroom.
The mattress was the same one I used to sleep on with Hawke. The bedspread was still yellow, and the furniture was the same too. Hawke noticed it, judging the way he glanced at everything.
I turned off the light then got into bed. Hawke didn’t remove his shirt or his shorts, and slid in beside me. It was early for my bedtime. I usually went to sleep at ten, but it was only nine.
Hawke lay beside me but didn’t touch me.
I turned on my side and faced the window, away from him. I waited for the feel of his large hands, the way his body felt pressed to mine. He hadn’t touched me in so long that I couldn’t remember how it felt.
Then he pressed his chest against my back, the heat automatically picking up the second we made contact. His hand moved around my waist, slowly coming to the front of my stomach. He took his time, like he was trying to appreciate every moment of it. Then he pressed his face into my neck, taking a deep breath as he inhaled my scent.
It felt better than sex.
It was so good it hurt.
My body ached from the pain and the pleasure.
I took a deep breath and felt my chest convulse. He hadn’t held me like this in years. We used to do it every night, and I tried to forget how great it felt so I could carry on without him.
It was home.
I tried not to cry because that would ruin the moment. The pain I pushed down far inside was emerging from deep in my throat, and I couldn’t let it escape. I had to be strong and accept the moment for what it was.
Hawke breathed deeply against me, his breaths abnormally quick. His fingers spanned completely across my stomach, feeling the bare skin under my shirt. His hips were pressed against me, but the bulge I expected to feel was absent. His arm squeezed around me before he pulled me further into him, wanting us to be as close as possible.
It was heaven.
But it was hell.
Our souls finally stopped aching now that they were together. The throbbing and bleeding stopped just for an instant in time. But when he left the following morning, the pain would start all over again.
While I controlled my breathing and stopped myself from crying, my eyes continued to water. A tear came loose from my eyelashes and rolled down my cheek toward my lip.
Hawke pressed his lips directly against my skin, making me feel alive for the first time in two years. “I needed this.”
“I needed it too.”
***
We woke up to the sound of my alarm.
When my eyes opened, I realized I was on top of him. I slept on his chest just the way I used to. It was the warmest and comfiest spot on the bed. My hair lay across him, and his hand was fist deep in the strands. His chest rose and fell at a steady rate despite the obnoxious so
und of the alarm.
My fairytale was over.
I moved off his body and tried not to scream. The one thing in life that gave me comfort was going to leave again, walk out and return to keeping his distance from me all over again.
Why did he have to leave me to begin with?
“You get up at five in the morning?” he asked as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Maybe we should have slept at my place.”
“You can keep sleeping if you want. Just lock up before you leave.”
“No, it’s okay.” He kicked the covers back and sat at the edge of the bed. After he blinked his eyes a few times, he looked at me. He had a sleepy look in his eyes, but he somehow made it look sexy. His hair was messy from my pillow, but even that looked good.
“Hawke?”
“Hmm?” He held my gaze, and the same disappointment burned in his eyes. He didn’t regret coming over last night, but he regretted the fact he had to leave.
“What did Marie say to you? Or what did you say to her?” I knew Hawke wouldn’t lie to me, even if he thought it would spare me pain. Marie, on the other hand, would lie out of her ass if she thought it was in my best interest.
“She told me the real reason you broke up with Kyle.” He didn’t sugarcoat it. “He fell in love with you but you didn’t feel the same way, and you told him you never would…because of me.” There was no victory or joy in his voice.
I couldn’t figure out any possible reason why Marie would do that. Why would she spill my secrets like that? And to Hawke of all people? I didn’t know they had a one-on-one relationship.
Hawke answered my unspoken question. “She told me off for breaking your heart, and she told me I needed to fix whatever issue I had if I ever want to make our relationship work…because you said we’re soul mates.”
My cheeks reddened slightly in embarrassment.
“I still feel the same way.” His thigh touched mine as we sat on the bed next to each other.
I tried not to look relieved. If he looked back on our relationship and said we were just two idiots in love, it would have broken my heart. The fact he still believed what I did made me feel less alone. “Why did you come over last night?”
“I missed you—more than usual.”
I waited for something more.