Bringing Maddie Home

by Janice Kay Johnson

  She fled. He offered drinks and ended up getting beers for all four of them. He paused in the kitchen. “You okay?” he asked her quietly.

  “Yes,” she said. “Just...” She didn’t finish. He waited a moment but she didn’t continue.

  As the evening progressed, he worked damn hard to keep Felix and Duane from noticing how withdrawn Nell was becoming. Something was going on in her head, but he had no idea what. She didn’t blank out the way she had a couple times, which was his only consolation.

  At first he thought Felix was oblivious, the way he kept teasing her, trying to make her laugh, but then Colin began to wonder if her brother wasn’t trying as hard as he was to keep conversation ongoing and light.

  Duane, in contrast, kept trying to dig out memories that weren’t there—or were burrowed deep and unwilling to lift their heads.

  Half a dozen times, he started questions with, “Do you remember when...?”

  “I’m sorry,” Nell kept having to say.

  Understandably enough, Duane wanted to know about her life since she’d disappeared, too, and she answered some questions and was politely vague about others.

  “What part of Seattle? Oh, like most renters I move every so often. Rent goes up, I shop around.”

  Duane asked for another beer, and then another. His bafflement and hurt were plain, giving away enough to make Colin feel sorry for him. As long as he’d known Duane, the man still kept his private life just that. Colin had guessed he didn’t have much of a life off the job. He hunted and fished with some buddies his age, neither activity interesting Colin. Colin had been to his house and seen how bare it was. For twelve years, Duane had mourned Maddie, but now she was here and he meant less than nothing to her. Yeah, that wouldn’t feel good.

  Dinner was excellent, as were the tarts topped with cream Colin thought he recognized. Especially when she set a plate in front of Felix and murmured something in his ear that made him laugh.

  His own was cherry, but when he glanced across the table as Felix took a bite, he recognized peach and hid a grin.

  “I hope you like blueberry,” she said politely to Duane. “If not, I’d be glad to switch. Mine’s apple. I confess I bought these. I went for a variety.”

  “Either’s fine,” Duane assured her. “Dinner was a treat. I’m ashamed at how rarely I make a real meal for myself. Your mother is a heck of a cook, too, you know.”

  “I’d kind of forgotten.” A frown crinkled Nell’s forehead. “She was out at the lodge the other day,” she offered. “She said they’re refurbishing some cabins, and Dad leaves things like that in her hands. I wonder if she gets bored?”

  Felix and Duane began to speculate on what Helen actually did most of the time to fill her days, their ideas growing wilder by the minute. Colin would have expected Nell to be laughing, but her smile looked forced. They were still at it when she excused herself to refill coffee cups, then to clear away dessert plates, declining offers of help. Colin began to wish their guests would notice that their welcome had worn out.

  He’d barely finished the thought when Felix drained his cup and stood, stretching. “Time for me to get going.” He flashed a smile at his sister. “Happens I have a date.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Anyone I know?”

  He grinned. “Yep. Sometimes things look different when you come home. People, too.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I can’t decide whether to be disapproving or not.”

  “Not.” He kissed her cheek. “We’re just having fun.” Colin was pretty sure he was the only one who heard the addendum. “Lots of fun.”

  Their byplay went right by Duane, but he pushed himself to his feet, as well. “I’d better be off, too.” He frowned at Colin. “You’re not going to hold my niece hostage so she cleans the kitchen, are you?”

  Colin laughed. “No, but we have some things to talk about.”

  “You mean, while I’m slaving over the dirty dishes?” she retorted pertly.

  The two of them walked Felix and Duane to the front door. Duane was beginning to look a little suspicious, but, to Colin’s relief, chose not to ask questions about where she was sleeping. At least, not in front of her.

  On the doorstep, he faced her. “I can’t tell you what it means to me to have you home, Maddie.” He sounded choked up. “I want you to know, anything you need...” He labored to a stop, finishing with a harrumphing sound.

  Nell gave him a small, polite smile that failed to disguise her discomfiture. “That’s kind of you. You’ve been more welcoming than Mom and Dad.”

  “Having you stay away on purpose, that may be hard for them to swallow.”

  “It...wasn’t exactly like that,” she said, stilted.

  “Either way.” He looked as if he wanted to envelop her in a hug again, but recognized from her tightly held posture that she would be happier if he didn’t. “Good night,” he said, nodding at Colin. “Call me tomorrow if you can tell me what’s happening.”

  Colin had dodged him yesterday afternoon.

  “I’m...in a holding pattern. It’ll probably be Monday before I know what comes next.”

  “Good enough.”

  Felix kissed Nell on the cheek, and the men departed together, talking until they separated to get in their vehicles.

  Colin closed the door and took Nell in his arms. She made a little sound, wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned as if she needed him to hold her up. He rubbed his cheek against her head and reveled in the feel of her body, fitted against his. As tough as this homecoming had been, she had rarely seemed as fragile as she did right now.

  She finally sighed and straightened. “That was really hard. I don’t think I handled it very well.”

  “You weren’t comfortable with Duane.” He hadn’t seen her so stiff with anyone, not even her parents.

  “No.” Uncertainty filled her eyes. “I don’t know why. At first I was really freaked-out.”

  “Like when you tried to remember Beck?”

  “I don’t know.” Her frustration was obvious. “It felt like that, but...I really don’t know. Part of it is meeting someone who has all these expectations of me, but who feels like a total stranger to me. I could tell I was really hurting his feelings.”

  “I noticed. I’d warned him, but I guess he assumed once you saw him all those beautiful memories would come swooping back.”

  “Wouldn’t you think I’d have some?” she exclaimed, tension vibrating through her body again.

  “Hey.” He tugged her close again, kissing her forehead, her nose, the corner of her mouth. “I keep saying this—”

  “It’ll come back.” She made an awful face at him. “But I also distinctly remember you telling me that the day of the assault might not.”

  Was she associating her uncle Duane with that day? His alarms pinged. Damn it, Duane had implied she’d spent a lot of time with him, something Colin hadn’t known. Duane fit the pattern in some ways—never married, apparently not dating women his age unless you counted the possibly mythical woman in Portland. Colin felt sick at even so vague a suspicion.

  “I’ve changed my mind,” he told Nell. With a nudge, he started her toward the kitchen. “It’s not gone, it’s buried. I think Beck had something to do with that night, and you know it. You’re resisting the memory because it’s so painful, but it’s there.”

  Her expression was bleak when she met his eyes. “Even if it is, I need to remember.”

  He wanted to reassure her by saying, There’s no hurry, but it would have been a lie. He felt a sense of urgency that wouldn’t let go. The assault on Maddie that long-ago night wasn’t as simple as they’d believed at the time. It sure as hell hadn’t been chance—a predator seeing a teenage girl alone on a dark path. No, it was all about Maddie. Maddie’s boyfriend, too, and in some way her family. Her
intense fear all these years of returning home meant something. The pieces weren’t fitting together yet, but they would. The churning in his belly increased at the idea of Duane as one of those puzzle pieces.

  Damn it, no! He’d worked closely with the man for twelve years. Colin knew how much Duane cared about the people they sought to protect.

  But he found he couldn’t dismiss the possibility that Duane had sexually molested Nell, however much he wanted to.

  “Pushing doesn’t seem to work,” he pointed out. “All it does is give you a headache. Maybe what you need is a long soak in the tub.”

  A tiny smile rewarded him. “Actually, that sounds lovely. And I did cook.”

  He swatted her lightly on the butt. “Go. I’ll take care of the kitchen. And I promise not to start the dishwasher until you’re out of the bath.”

  “I don’t suppose you have bath salts? Or some bubble bath...?”

  He slanted a look at her. She was giggling as she went down the hall.

  His mouth quirked as he watched her go, but Colin’s mood wasn’t any lighter.

  * * *

  NELL STRUGGLED OUT of sleep, crying out as she surfaced. Hands were on her, and she thrashed wildly.

  “Maddie!” Somebody was shaking her. “Damn it, Maddie, wake up!”

  She kept fighting, some of the nightmare hanging on. I won’t, I won’t.

  I won’t do what? she asked herself in bewilderment, halfway between states.

  “Maddie.”

  She opened her eyes to darkness. Heard herself breathing in gasps that rasped like skin over gravel. For a moment she had no idea where she was or whose hands were on her.

  “Maddie,” he repeated, patient, gentle now that she’d quit fighting.

  “Colin. Oh, God. Colin.” She threw herself at him, felt his arms close securely around her. Either his chest was wet or her face was.

  She was crying. In her sleep?

  “It was a nightmare. That’s all, love, a nightmare. You’re safe here with me. I promise.” He was moving slightly, as if trying to rock her.

  She wasn’t close enough. She wriggled and scrambled until she was lying on top of him and she felt him from where her toes curled against his shins to the heart slamming beneath her to his breath moving her hair.

  He kept talking; she hardly made out words. Crooning. It had to be five minutes before her frantic need to climb inside him eased. Her muscles gradually went slack, leaving her utterly drained.

  “Are you all right?” he murmured, and she nodded, although she wasn’t sure she was.

  Somehow she knew the nightmare had been a familiar one. This was the first time ever she hadn’t been alone when she woke from it, though.

  “Angel,” she whispered.

  He went still. “What?”

  “Angel. Somebody called me angel.”

  “Has anybody since you got here?”

  She shook her head as well as she could without removing her cheek from his shoulder.

  “Okay,” he said. “Do you remember the rest? Do you want to tell me?”

  His hands were moving up and down her back, the patterns soothing. Here and there he’d stop to knead, seeming to find every knot.

  “No,” she mumbled. “Can’t remember.” Not entirely true. I won’t, I won’t, still whispered in her head.

  She’d hated whatever was done to her then. Through the murk of her memory she knew it had been a man. Still, she’d somehow been able to respond positively to Beck, and now to Colin.

  Colin was different than anyone she’d ever known. His gentleness extraordinary for a man who had admitted to a capacity for violence, who had tried hard to close himself off emotionally.

  I love him, she thought, this time with no doubt but plenty of misgiving. You’re safe with me, he kept saying, but for how long?

  He was here now. Now mattered. The turbulence inside coalesced into a desperate need for the ultimate closeness. She needed to feel him deep inside her, to know that moment when he came, when she was his whole world—if only fleetingly.

  Nell lifted her head enough to kiss the taut skin stretched over his powerful pectoral muscles. Encountering dampness from her tears, she licked it.

  He went absolutely still, not even breathing. But he couldn’t control his reaction to her. She felt him swelling beneath her belly.

  When he did move, it was to yank her up so their mouths could meet. No gentleness now, only hunger and urgency. His tongue stroked deep. So fast, she wanted more. She straddled his body, squirmed until she rode atop the long, hard length of his penis.

  He wrenched his mouth away. “Wait! Condom.”

  The words blurred, scrambled. She didn’t care, only wanted him. She fought to get in position even as he rolled them sideways and somehow reached around her into the drawer.

  “Sweetheart, lift up.” With his help, she did. A brief tearing sound, then his hands gripped her hips. “Now.”

  He slid into her, as deep as she’d craved. Being on top, in control, obliterated the helplessness she’d felt in the nightmare. The sense of helplessness that had ruled her life for so many years.

  Her climax came in a blaze of triumph: body, mind, heart.

  With a guttural cry, he thrust up into her, deeper yet, and let himself go.

  Let himself feel helpless, so I can be triumphant. Colin was a man confident enough to do that.

  All the strength left her, and she seemed to melt over his solid body. Nell’s happiness was profound. It prickled behind her eyelids like tears that weren’t.

  “Maddie,” he whispered, drowsy and sated, and she froze.

  He’d called her Maddie before, too, she remembered in shock. When she came out of the nightmare.

  While she had been reveling in her newfound belief in the woman she’d become, he had soothed and made love to the lost girl he’d saved. To Maddie, not Nell.

  Nell scrambled off him in instant, horrified reaction. “I’m not Maddie!”

  “What in hell?” He reared up.

  “You called me Maddie.” She all but fell out of bed, suddenly feeling naked in a way that made her ashamed of herself. She swooped to grab something light on the floor and realized it was his shirt. Hands shaking, she put it on and began buttoning as he turned on the lamp. Nell turned away to protect her eyes, and herself, too. She was buttoning the shirt askew, she realized, but didn’t care. The tails came almost to her knees.

  “It was...unconscious.”

  She spun to face him. “I know it was! That makes it worse, don’t you see?”

  “Nell.” His voice was insultingly calm, although his gray eyes were as stormy as she felt. Angry, confused, regretful? “You are Maddie, too.”

  She knew she was overreacting, but couldn’t seem to help herself.

  “You said you understood.”

  “I do. It slipped out, that’s all. Felix and Duane were calling you Maddie all evening.” The words were okay, the tone not.

  She felt patronized. “I thought you were the one person here who saw me....” Her voice broke. “But I was wrong.” She headed for the bathroom, where she’d left her clothes earlier.

  Colin got out of bed and started forward to cut her off. “You weren’t wrong.” Now his voice had an edge, as if he were getting irritated because the whole pat-her-on-the-head, soothe-her thing hadn’t worked.

  Call her irrational, but now anger supplanted hurt. She spun to face him. “Maddie was a kid, and I still don’t know her very well. What’s more, I’m not sure I like her. How she handled her problems. What she let happen to her. She’s inside me, but I’m not her. And I’m beginning to think you still see me as that poor, pathetic girl whose picture you had up all those years. What is this all about, triumph because you found me? Isn’t sex how men
celebrate victories?”

  Looking stunned, he fell back a step. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “It’s not like that.” His voice was quiet, as shocked as his expression. The uncertainty she heard in it was more than she could bear.

  “I’m going back to the apartment.”

  “Don’t do that, Nell. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “I need to be alone.” She shoved her feet into her shoes, gathered up her things and even stormed into the bathroom to grab her toothbrush. “I should never have...”

  “Don’t say that.” He sounded devastated, the confidence she’d believed so entirely in shattered. “Nell, it was a slip of the tongue.”

  She shook her head hard. “Don’t lie. You know it was more than that. And maybe I’m making too big a deal out of this, but...I can’t help it.”

  She rushed from the room before she could start crying. She didn’t stop for her parka, only her bag. She groped and found her keys, then sprinted down his porch steps and across the yard, hardly feeling the cold.

  Even so, she was shivering by the time she climbed the steps to the apartment. Instead of adjusting the thermostat, though, she simply dropped everything and climbed into bed, huddling in a ball until her body could create a cocoon of warmth beneath the heap of covers.

  She felt so much hurt, so much confusion. Grief even.

  I made a fool of myself, she thought, but then pictured his face when he’d claimed she’d misunderstood. He’d tried to hide guilt, but it was there.

  He wanted, maybe even loved Maddie Dubeau. And Nell knew that, even if she recovered every last memory, she would never be Maddie again. She didn’t want to be! After being born again, she’d defined herself. She was Nell.

  And she wished, more than she’d wished anything in her life, that Colin loved her.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  SLUGGISH AND HEAVY-EYED, Nell dragged herself out of bed late in the morning. It was nearly eleven before she checked her phone and discovered she had a couple of messages.

  The first was from Colin. “Nell, we need to talk. I think you misunderstood last night—but I admit to moments of confusion,” he said gruffly. “I wish we could have that talk right now. Bystrom has just resigned, though, and I’ve been appointed acting police chief. I need to meet with the mayor and city attorney, then bring myself up to speed with whatever was sitting on Bystrom’s desk. Will you stay home? Or at least, if you’re going anywhere, call and let me know your plans? Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be alone with anyone but maybe your mother. And Hailey or Emily, of course.” There was a pause. “Damn. I want to see you, not be leaving a message.” His voice was suddenly explosive, frustrated. “I don’t know if I’ll always be able to answer the phone today. Text me if it’s important.”