But She Is My Student

by Kiki Archer

  Jess and Gary grasped each other’s hands tightly as they waited for the midwife, the joyous feeling of their families fantastic reaction and perfect New Years Eve Party was suddenly lost to this stillness; this silent terror where neither spoke and hardly breathed. Jess’s scan was supposed to bring joy to the start of the New Year; their New Year as a new family. They had waited eagerly watching the screen as the sonographer moved the camera around on the cold gel smeared over Jess’s stomach, then looked at each other as they noted her slight cough and frown, slightly appeased by her statement of ‘don’t worry it often takes a while’ and then freezing in terror as she eventually said those awful words, ‘I am really sorry but I don’t seem to be able to locate a heartbeat.’ They held hands motionless, silent, as they waited for the arrival of the midwife who would do an internal scan and be responsible for delivering a blow that would crush them for a lifetime or revive them from this quiet state of dread.

  Kat went with Jess to the hospital. Gary could not bear the thought of being present while the remainder of his baby was removed, dismissed as if never a reality. The first few days of the New Year were dreadful. Jess had walked back into the apartment looking bewildered, and Lucy began to joke about the scan picture looking like Gary, but stopped when she read their faces. The feeling that quickly engulfed the eager, excited lounge was one of complete devastation. It was a feeling that put everything else in its righteous place. Jess and Gary were lost; but neither could find the other and no amount of reassurance or comfort had any form of impact on their absolute despair.

  Jess had entered the lounge in silence and sat on the edge of the leather sofa, ‘He just didn’t form properly.’ She had been wide eyed staring through the air.

  Kat had been close to tears, ‘Oh Jess I am so sorry. What can we do?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Gary was empty of emotion.

  There was silence in the lounge and the only movement was the slight shift of the shiny Christmas decorations as they blew gently with the rising radiator heat. Kat spotted a stray glass behind the television, missed from the New Years Eve clean up.

  Ben squeezed Lucy’s hand; she was trying not to cry.

  ‘He is still here, inside me, no heartbeat, just all alone.’

  ‘Oh Jess,’ Kat had dashed to the sofa, sank to her knees and held her as tightly as she could. Jess stared straight ahead as a tear fell from Kat’s cheek.

  The waiting room was full of people but empty of warmth. Old posters were falling from the yellow paint chipped walls and the plastic chairs were cold and uncomfortable. No one in the room was talking, but there was the occasional murmur of hushed whispers. Kat walked out of the cold room and went to the lavish reception desk for the second time.

  ‘Yes?’

  She tried to stay calm, ‘I am not being funny, but my friend is in that room, sat quietly waiting for the worst experience of her life and still no one is explaining to her why things are running over an hour late.’

  The trumped up receptionist stared at the powerful lady who had her black wool collar pulled up against her elegant neck, ‘As I said last time these things happen.’

  ‘Do you know how long it will be?’ asked Kat trying her best to be patient.

  ‘No sorry, she will just have to wait like everybody else.’ She swivelled back to her computer loving the power the job gave her over everybody, no matter how stunningly blonde and beautiful they were.

  Kat got two more cheap coffees from the battered machine and sat next to Jess, drawing her chair as close as possible, trying to reassure her that she wasn’t alone.

  Jess’s dark lined eyes betrayed the torment of the past few days. ‘At least you won’t have to go through anything like this,’ she said staring a wonky poster about cervical cancer, lacking the emotion and drive to whisper.

  Kat realised it wasn’t the time to discuss her natural womanly desire to have children, something that had not automatically disappeared when she realised she was gay. ‘I guess not,’ she whispered.

  ‘It’s for the best isn’t it.’ Jess spoke loudly, ‘I mean I never wanted children and I am too young to get married. It has been a blessing in disguise.’ She was monotone and had yet to cry.

  ‘Oh Jess, don’t say that,’ she hushed, realising it wasn’t her friend talking, but a lost and empty soul.

  ‘Jessica Williams.’

  Kat tapped Jess’ knee.

  ‘Jessica Williams?’ the voice was sharper.

  ‘Come on this is us’ she whispered.

  Jess didn’t move.

  ‘Jessica Williams D and C!’

  Jess burst into tears.

  Ben and Gary sat quietly in the apartment lounge looking at the large red hands on the oversized black clock, ‘She will be in now.’

  ‘I can take you to meet her if you want?’ suggested Ben still failing to understand Gary’s behaviour. He had completely lost it after their scan. The thought that there would be anything wrong with the baby had never crossed his mind. He was just so excited to see the picture and make out the head and spine and legs. He knew from the copious amounts of research that he had done that it would be impossible to tell the sex of the baby until five months, but he was still so energised and eager to just see it, to hear it; and when it was not there he just fell apart.

  Gary eventual spoke with his eyes wide and his face emotionless, ‘No, she will be ok, she has got Kat.’

  ‘But Kat isn’t you mate.’

  ‘No it’s fine. She doesn’t need me.’

  ‘Mate of course she does! She is going to be your wife in a couple of months!’

  Gary came to life and spat out his words, ‘Ha! As if that’s going to happen!’

  ‘Why wouldn’t it?’

  ‘Because we were only getting married for the baby, for the baby that is probably in some bin right as we speak.’ He broke down, ‘I just can’t handle it. Look at me, I’m a mess, I can’t handle it.’

  Ben shook his head and tried again, ‘What about her mate? Think about her.’

  ‘She didn’t want kids in the first place. She is probably pleased.’

  Ben was firm, ‘That’s not fair and you know it.’

  Gary held his head in his hands. It had been a horrific few days, completely unexpected. They had both been so excited, so overcome with the sheer joy of planning for the arrival of their perfect little baby that the notion of this nightmare had not even once entered their minds, why would it? And everything since those awful words, words that neither would ever forget, had been tainted by the irrational thought that possibly the other partner was silently pleased.

  ‘I’m sorry. What am I saying? I don’t know what I am thinking. I don’t know what I am saying. I am a mess Ben. What am I meant to do?’

  ‘You are meant to get down to that hospital and meet her and tell her you love her and tell her it’s not her fault and tell her you want to marry her.’

  ‘I should shouldn’t I.’

  ‘So let’s go!’ urged Ben already on the way to the door reaching for their coats.

  Kat was fuming with the nurse but contained herself as she put her arm under Jess and helped her stand. She looked up and realised it was going to be a long walk down the corridor to the minor treatment room. What an utterly ridiculous name for a room of this type she thought, then suddenly felt a gentle tap on the shoulder.

  ‘I’ll take it from here,’ said Gary taking Jess’s hand.

  Ben and Kat decided to stop for coffee on the way back to the apartment, both needed to feel some space. It had been an awful end to the Christmas holidays. The New Years Eve party had been a huge success and all members of both families were genuinely pleased with Jess and Gary’s great news. They realised that marriage and kids were on the cards for them eventually and in the excitable New Years atmosphere had all viewed the hurried plans as wonderful and thrilling.

  Kat grabbed a table and watched as Ben ordered at the busy counter, desperately trying to ask for two normal coffees, clear
ly flabbergasted by the confusion and series of question that it involved. He was a good man she realised and Lucy was incredibly lucky to have won his heart; their Christmas of cavorting and curries in the empty apartment had sounded like heaven.

  Ben slipped into the seat opposite her and added two sugars to his tall Americano. ‘How are you Kat?’

  ‘Me? I’m fine, why?’

  He watched her carefully, ‘Just because something awful happens to someone else it does not mean the issues in your own life should take any less importance.’

  She did not need this, especially not now. ‘I haven’t got any issues, and yes it does, it puts everything in perspective.’

  Ben was still trying to connect, ‘I like you Kat and I care about you.’

  ‘Thank you, but I’m fine.’

  He paused for a moment and went to sip his coffee, quickly changing his mind at the heat. ‘Look, I have wanted to say this for a while, but I haven’t known how.’

  ‘Say what?’ The day had been dreadful and she had wanted to stop for a nice quiet coffee and reflect on the magnitude of these heart breaking events.

  ‘You know what I am going to say.’

  ‘What?’ She was snapping.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What do you know?’

  ‘I might play the fool sometimes but I know when things are going on. I have seen it.’

  ‘Seen what?’ Kat took a large gulp of coffee and burnt her mouth, angry at him for thinking this was the time to discuss personal matters.

  ‘You and Freya.’

  Kat’s heart pounded, she felt panicked and annoyed, ‘Look, I don’t know what you think you know or what Lucy has told you, but there is nothing going on. And anyway nothing like that is of importance on a day like today.’

  Ben needed to get through to her. He liked Kat and wanted to guide her in the right direction. She was not the first and would not be the last to embark on a pupil-teacher affair. ‘Like I said, care about others but pay attention to your own life and your own issues as well.’

  ‘Look Ben I feel uncomfortable talking about this.’ All she had wanted was to come here to her favourite coffee shop, enjoy the rich deep aromas that seemed to lure her in every time she passed, and reflect on past few life changing days and her impending return to school. Her head was so full of everything that she just wanted to talk about nothing.

  ‘I asked Lucy and she denied it, but you know us teachers we can tell a mile off when the truth is being deliberately lost!’ Ben tried to chuckle.

  She had started to redden, ‘Look there is nothing going on.’

  ‘I can see that, but something has done hasn’t it?’ Ben was seeing a side of her for the first time, a side that was scared and nervous, falsely cold and emotionless.

  ‘Look this is of absolutely no relevance, but I met her once before I started at Coldfield.’

  ‘Were you together?’

  ‘Ben this is none of your business ... but yes we kissed, and that was it. End of story.’ She was frantically blowing her coffee, nervous and embarrassed by his searching stare.

  ‘But it’s not end of story though is it? She is clearly in love with you, and you can pour your scolding coffee over me if I am wrong, but I think you feel the same.’

  Kat shook her head, ‘I can’t have this conversation with you. There is nothing to talk about. My career means the world to me and I will not jeopardise it for anything, not even a silly conversation about infatuations.’

  ‘Is that what you think it is; an infatuation on her part and nothing on yours?’

  ‘Yes,’ she snapped.

  ‘Ok I must have got it wrong then...’ he reached across the table for her hands, ‘...the way you chat like you have known each other a lifetime, the way you look at each other when the other isn’t watching, the way you smile when you are together, the way you talk about each other. Kat it is obvious.’

  The statement filled her with absolute dread. The last thing she wanted and needed was the wrong kind of attention. ‘Don’t say that.’

  ‘It is obvious to me I mean.’

  ‘Please just forget about it and please I don’t want to talk about it again. There is nothing to say. Regardless of what you think, I am her teacher and that is it, the end of the conversation.’

  ‘But Kat...’

  ‘I mean it, that’s it. Please don’t ever bring this up with me again.’

  He sipped his coffee. Lucy had told him about Kat’s ability to shut down and close off completely; he needed a different approach. ‘Cuckoo Kirsty married her old teacher.’

  ‘Who?’ said Kat starting to get really irritated.

  ‘Kirsty Spalding, the Head.’

  ‘Good for her,’ she said sipping her finally sippable coffee.

  Freya and Bea gently held hands in the pale blue Clio that was parked untidily on the huge pebble driveway. Leona Lewis was singing softly in the background.

  ‘I can’t believe we are back tomorrow, the time has gone so quickly. I have had such a fantastic Christmas Freya. Thank you.’ Bea kissed her hand and watched as she scanned the numerous large cottage windows.

  ‘Someone might see!’

  Bea stroked each of her delicate fingers in turn, ‘Freya, they all know.’

  She felt a burst of panic. She could not deny that this Christmas had been her best by far, but she was not ready to shout it from the rooftops. ‘What? Your brothers know as well?’

  ‘Yes why? What is that a problem?’

  Freya released her hand, ‘I just don’t know if I am ready for all of this.’ She messed with the keys in the ignition.

  ‘All of what? Look, what you do is up to you, but for me ... well I am happy.’ She took Freya’s hand again, ‘...and I am excited. I am dating a wonderful, pretty, intelligent, slightly naughty woman and I don’t care who knows.’

  ‘Oh my God Bea you can’t say that!’ she was nervously shocked. ‘You can’t say we are dating!’ Freya had enjoyed every moment of the Christmas break, which she had to admit did include numerous dates with Bea – cinema, ice skating, bowling, movie nights, each following the same theme – a vague interest in the alleged activity followed quickly by a search for a quiet corner to engage in their new found favourite activity of choice, heavy petting.

  ‘Well what are we doing?’ purred Bea running her finger up her arm, climbing her shoulder and finding her neck.

  She leaned back in her seat and moaned with anguish and desire, ‘Bea you can’t keep doing this to me!’

  She laughed, ‘You know you love it girlfriend!’

  ‘I am not your girlfriend.’

  ‘What are we then? Friends who kiss and cuddle and soon...’ she stroked Freya’s red cheek ‘...when the time is right, make love.’

  Freya sat open mouthed, ‘OH MY GOD! I need to open the window this is too much!’ She smiled as she fumbled with the handle, Bea was intoxicating.

  ‘Because you know it is going to happen soon; it has been harder and harder to stop ourselves.’ Her brown eyes were glistening as she teased.

  ‘Look, I am being serious now, I am not ready for people to know. My parents?! As if! Can you imagine?!’ She quickly did up the window, Christmas this year had been far too cold. She looked at Bea’s eyes naughtily teasing her own, reminding her of a panther ready to pounce, her full lips glistening ready for the first bite.

  ‘Come here.’ She pulled Freya in and kissed her passionately. This time she didn’t bother to look around, instead she closed her eyes, fully absorbed in the power of the embrace.

  They were interrupted by a quiet tap on the window. Cal Belshaw was lightly hopping up and down in his expensive silk dressing gown and slippers, making a winding sign with his hand, ‘Girls you can always do this inside.’ He grinned, thrilled with Bea’s recent news.

  ‘Yes thank you Dad we know!’

  He popped his head inside the window, ‘I don’t mind you kissing in front of me and nor does your mother.’

  �
��Ok thank you Dad!’

  ‘Come on in then, it is freezing out here!’

  Bea tugged Freya’s hand, ‘Come on, just for ten minutes.’

  She rolled her eyes, ‘Ok ... but I am not kissing in front of them!’

  Bea pulled a reticent Freya through the large beamed entrance hall into the warm lounge where the open fire was crackling. Silvia Belshaw was adding another heavy log to the glowing embers. Freya had met Silvia a number of times over the Christmas break but was still shocked each time she saw her. Everything was Bea, the deep brown eyes, the flawless skin, the full lips, but with white hair and alabaster skin; she seemed to have a poise and dignity that added grandeur to the simplest of tasks.

  ‘Just throw it in Silvia!’

  ‘Thank you Cal, but it needs to be just so.’ She looked at the girls as she effortlessly rose from the inglenook fireplace to her feet, smiling with mother’s pride at her daughters beautiful partner, ‘Please sit down ladies.’

  ‘Thanks Mum, but we thought we would just have ten minutes in my room before Freya headed home.’

  ‘No, no, I insist!’ commanded Silvia with warmth. The lights were dim and Freya thought she looked almost regal taking her throne in the tall upright armchair alongside the woodpile.

  They sat in the large teal sofa next to the fire; the flames had reignited around the new log. Cal sat opposite them in the matching teal fabric seat; Freya felt like she was on interview.

  ‘So girls,’ said Cal leaning forwards and opening his hands, ‘what is the plan?’

  ‘Well I was going to head home in a minute. I have lessons first thing in the morning.’ Freya nodded, waiting for agreement from Bea.

  Bea sighed, ‘He wasn’t meaning that. Dad, please don’t.’

  ‘He is only asking what needs to be asked darling,’ said Silvia steadily.

  ‘Freya, I am so sorry. I am used to my parents discussing and debating every detail of my life, but that’s not what we came in for. So, no offence, but I think Freya is heading off now.’ She glared at her parents.