The Crooked Road to Heaven

by Robert Connolly

  “In no time at all or thereabouts,” the spiritual joker repeated with a bout of laughter, and he addressed his spiritual collie telepathically: “did you get that?”

  The dog barked and frolicked, seemingly understanding.

  “How did you manage to conjure up that saying, Brother Nole? Where do you get them from? That will go down well with the heavenly souls.”

  “Brother Nole was quite skilful at plucking quaint sayings out of the blue during our earthly existence too, Brother,” Seán informed as a compliment to Nole.

  “You certainly are something of a character in your own right, Brother Nole, and I’m not likely to forget your contributions. And now if you have any questions to ask, ask them now or you won’t get any answers,” the spiritual joker reminded, and erupted into laughter again.

  When his laughter subsided Seán posed the question: “I was wondering, Brother, about those sins we committed during our lifetime but can’t remember. How are we to solve that problem?”

  “Yes, that is a thoughtful question, Brother Seán. And the only answer I can give you is that Brother Peter will make them known to you during your interview in the Serene Palace of Heavenly Justice, so you will have to exercise spiritual patience until then. My advice is don’t dwell on what you can’t remember since the logic is that what you can’t remember can’t be very serious. How’s that?” The spiritual joker advised with a smile.

  “Yes, I understand your logic, Brother,” Seán agreed.

  “You are the third heavenly spirit we have met since our fatal accident, Brother, but we haven’t met any spiritual sinners along the crooked road. Why is that, Brother?” Nole asked, spiritually intrigued.

  “A simple question deserves a simple answer,” the spiritual joker replied. He explained: “You two spiritual Brothers died together at the same time and in the same place on earth, and you are both travelling in that suspended moment of time until you arrive at the gates of heaven. Only you two died at that moment in that place, which means you cannot see or meet other spiritual souls whose bodies died at different moments, or indeed spirits whose bodies died at the same moment but in different places, because the crooked road to heaven has many starting points. Now, if that’s not clear to you don’t dwell on it. All will become clear to your spiritual selves when you eventually arrive in heaven,” he concluded in an outburst of laughter. He addressed the spiritual collie: “Isn’t that so, Jessie?”

  And the latter barked her agreement with a wagging tail.

  “I believe I get the gist of what you mean, Brother,” Seán responded.

  “Well, it’s about as clear to me as a black-coloured cow in a field at night, and that’s the truth of it, Brother.” Nole voiced his lack of comprehension.

  The spiritual joker laughed and commented, “That is a quaint comparison, Brother Nole. I’m wondering now if you have as many quaint sayings in your memory bank as you have sins on your soul.” He erupted into laughter again and Nole and Seán joined in.

  When the spiritual laughter ran its course Nole casually remarked, “Well, I suppose I should be pleased that I have somethin’ good that heaven will credit me with.” As an afterthought he added, “It might even have the effect of scrubbing my soul free of forgotten sins.”

  The spiritual joker laughed again and suggested, “I’m sure Brother Peter will be impressed, Brother Nole.”

  “Well, that’s another lot of good news,” Nole uttered, and continued: “I’ll be lookin’ forward to meetin’ you again, Brother, when we are accepted into heaven.”

  “Likewise, Brother Nole. It’ll be a pleasure to cross paths with you again.” And addressing the collie: “What do you say, Jessie?”

  The latter barked her approval.

  “Now, Brothers, if you have any more questions don’t be spiritually self-conscious about asking; just lay bare your curiosities.”

  Seán took the initiative and asked, “I was wondering, Brother, if there are any rivers, lakes and seas in heaven?”

  “Indeed there are, Brother Seán. All that exists on earth is reflected in heaven. So all the fishes and other creatures that live in the rivers, lakes and seas on earth spiritually exist in heaven at the end of their physical existence on earth,” the spiritual joker explained. He then addressed Nole: “And you, Brother Nole, is there anything about the spiritual existence that intrigues you?”

  “Yeah, there certainly is, Brother. I find everything about the spiritual existence mystifying. To start with, heaven bein’ one endless day forever. No matter how much I think about it I can make neither head nor tail of it, but I’m not complainin’ either.”

  The spiritual joker laughed and said, “Many before you, Brother Nole, have been faced with the same dilemma, as indeed I have, but you will understand the spiritual existence when you enter the kingdom of heaven. Be patient until then - well, you have no choice.” He erupted into laughter, after which he continued: “In a word, Brother Nole, the answer will be simplicity! How’s that now! What do you say, Jessie?”

  And the collie pranced about, playfully barking.

  “You certainly are a laughter-maker, Brother, a real entertainer, no doubt about it, the life and soul of the party,” Nole congratulated.

  “Well, I do practise at my leisure, Brother Nole, as there’s no time restriction in heaven and the day goes on forever without the tick-tock of a clock to interfere with the spiritual harmony of heavenly existence.” And he smiled his satisfaction.

  “It seems like we are going to have plenty of spiritual variety to look forward to in heaven when we finally qualify for entry,” Seán commented.

  “You will indeed, Brother Seán. It’s a haven of good spirit without the presence of negativity, so dream of happy days.”

  “I suppose it might be safe to say, Brother, that when we enter heaven we’ll be gettin’ into the spirit of things?” Nole suggested with a contented smile.

  “Well anticipated, Brother Nole. That’s the joy of heaven’s spiritual atmosphere,” the spiritual joker complimented with a laugh.

  “Meeting you today, Brother, has lifted our spirits to a higher level of expectation, for which we are both grateful. In return we can only offer our spiritual thanks, for what it’s worth.” Seán expressed his spiritual gratitude for both.

  “My reward, Brothers, is measured by your spiritual satisfaction. Being aware of having shared a little joy in laughter with you is reward enough in itself. After all you will remember the earthly saying ‘Laughter is the best medicine.’ And now, Brothers, I must say I’ve enjoyed your spiritual company and, all joking aside, I pray the remainder of your spiritual ramble will be an ever decreasing burden on you. Keep recollecting your earthly lifetime transgressions and spiritually feeling your remorse for them, and remember that you will reach the end of the crooked road today, because there’s no tomorrow.” And he erupted into spiritual laughter and was joined by Seán and Nole.

  “Well, there’s no denying the fact, Brother, you are a spiritual barrel of laughter and you take the biscuit as far as I’m concerned. You must be an asset to heaven,” Nole commended.

  “Ah well, I’m just a witty soul as I used to be on earth, and I was granted the freedom to play the joker’s role in heaven. I must part company with you now, Brothers, so I’ll bid you farewell. Remember me any time you might feel a bit spiritually weary. Say farewell to our spiritual Brothers, Jessie.”

  And the collie barked a staccato of fond farewells.

  “We’ll never forget you, Brother,” Nole remarked.

  Seán added, “You’ve been a revelation, Brother.”

  “Farewell, Brothers, and a speedy success in the purging of your souls.”

  And Seán and Nole waved until the spiritual joker and his Border collie, Jessie, faded into the spiritual hedgerow.

  Chapter Five


  The two spiritual friends walked in contemplative mood over a period of timeless passage memorising their sins during the short lifetime they spent on earth until Nole started a telepathic conversation: “That spiritual joker Brother was a real character, Seán, wasn’t he?”

  “Yes, but remember, Nole, he was spiritually real and not physically real just as we now are. Nevertheless, he was - or should I say is? - a character of note.”

  “Yeah, I see what you mean - well, I think I do anyway. It’s hard to break old habits, but if we get - when we get into heaven that will give us all the time, forever, to practise the heavenly role we will play, whatever that might be. What might that be, Seán?” Nole asked, working his spiritual self into a state of confusion.

  “We might be angelic shepherds guiding sheep around the hills and valleys of the kingdom of heaven,” Seán suggested.

  “Yeah, guardian angels of the heavenly sheep - yes, that would be fine. We might even qualify for wings, but that might be biting off more than we can chew, so to speak. I suppose we should concentrate on gettin’ our spiritual selves into heaven first. Do you agree, Seán?”

  “Yes, Nole, that must be the priority. We must concentrate on purging our souls of sin in order to gain entry into heaven, and once there I feel we will be taken good care of. What that might mean I have no idea, but I trust the angelic, heavenly existence will be a fabulous place of scientific knowledge for our spiritual eyes and intelligence to feast upon with delight forever.” Seán expressed his heavenly wish.

  Nole paused a moment before replying, “Yeah, you’re right, Seán. I was getting carried away there on a flight of fancy. I have to keep reminding myself what I am and what I want to be. Look before you leap, that’ll be my watchword from here on and I hope I don’t forget.” After a brief pause he added, “You’ll remind me if I forget, won’t you, Seán?”

  “I’ll try to, Nole, but you can be a bit of a fantasist at times.”

  “Yeah, I’ll have to try and tie that habit in a knot too.”

  They both lapsed into silence as they paced along the crooked road through the timeless, endless day until Nole restarted the telepathic conversation again.

  “I wouldn’t mind havin’ the pleasure of the spiritual joker’s company on the crooked road.”

  “Does that mean you’re bored with my company?” Seán questioned, spiritually teasing.

  “As God is my judge, not at all! The thought didn’t even knock on the door.” Nole dismissed the remark and continued: “Besides, you enjoyed his company too, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, of course I did, but don’t forget, Nole, we are here to cleanse our souls and the appearance of the spiritual joker was a pleasant diversionary break in our quest.”

  “Yeah, I see what you mean, Seán, and I can believe that. He was a good laugh. There’s no harm in a good laugh, is there?”

  “No, no harm at all, but we are going to have to get our laughs from each other - if we can think of anything to laugh about, that is.” And after a timeless moment Seán remarked, “You were always good for a laugh when we lived on earth, so, you should be able to pull a few out of the bag up here as well, Nole.”

  “Ah, well now, Seán, I don’t think Brother Peter would approve of most of the earthly jokes I know up here in the heavenly realm, and as you reminded me we are not on the crooked road to enjoy ourselves.”

  “Yes, that’s true, Nole. I hadn’t considered that. When we met the spiritual joker I think we got a bit carried away and wanted to be at the end of the crooked road before we got there.”

  “Yeah, I confess to that sin and we still have some mental weakness to contend with,” Nole admitted.

  “Yes, you’ve struck a chord there Nole, so let’s return to contemplation.”

  The two lapsed into thoughtful recollection for a timeless moment until Nole again broke the silence. “So this is the shortest version of the crooked road that we have now been walkin’ on since I don’t know when, and we still have no idea how long or short it’s goin’ to be. That in a nutshell is the long and short of it. Still, I’m not complaining, no sir. Patience will be my guiding light now all the way to the Serene Palace of Heavenly Justice,” Nole stated with spiritual conviction.

  “Bravo! That’s the spirit, Nole,” Seán commended, and remarked, “I was just wondering how many bends we have encountered since we began our journey, however long ago that was. They must amount to a sizeable number.”

  “Well, I haven’t been countin’ them either, but I must confess I have wondered at times how many might still be ahead of us, which I suppose is another mental habit I’ll have to suppress if I’m intent on cultivating patience. But then again, is it wrong to wonder what might be round the next bend?”

  “I doubt it, Nole, since we are expecting to see the end of the crooked road round some bend sooner or later. And besides, it can only boost our spiritual hopes the longer it takes to reach fulfilment.”

  “Yeah, that’s a fact, Seán, and I’m beginning to feel slight spiritual tremors of excitement at the very thought that round one of these bends we will come face-to-face with... look ahead there, Seán. Would you believe it! A herd of spiritual reindeer crossin’ the crooked road. What a wonderful sight!”

  “Yes, it truly is one of the joyful scenes of heaven.” Seán expressed his pleasure, and after the reindeer had crossed the crooked road he spiritually declared, “My spiritual anguish has diminished considerably.”

  And Nole likewise stated, “Upon my soul, so has mine. I feel very light-spirited now. It must be the bucketfuls of sins we’ve been sheddin’, and I’ve no complaints about that.”

  “It must also mean that we are drawing nearer to heaven and its spiritual feeling of endearment is reducing our anguish level,” Seán speculated.

  “You can say that again. This purgin’ is a mighty good thing for our souls,” Nole suggested with inspired feeling.

  “Agreed! And I have the feeling that heaven isn’t too far away,” Seán also felt inspired to remark.

  “What a coincidence! That looks like the end of the road ahead,” Nole exclaimed, spiritually delighted.

  “Yes, you might be right Nole,” Seán initially agreed and paused before declaring, “but I think not... no, it isn’t. It looked convincing for a moment, but I now believe it’s a humpback bridge... yes, it is and there is a spiritual presence sitting on one of its parapets.”

  “Yeah, I believe you’re right Seán, and this could mean that there might be a stream flowin’ underneath it. If there is it’ll be the first spiritual water we’ve seen on the crooked road to heaven.”

  “You may well be right about a spiritual stream Nole and we’ll soon find out.”

  As the two spiritual souls drew closer to the humpback bridge they realised that the waiting spirit was different from those they had previously met.

  “This spirit is not a Brother, but a Sister spirit,” Nole declared, spiritually surprised.

  “Yes, and that serves as a reminder to us that there must be as many spiritual ladies in heaven as there are spiritual men. It will be a pleasant surprise to meet a spiritual lady.” Seán expressed his delight.

  The spiritual lady greeted them as they approached her. “Good day, Brothers Seán and Nole, and welcome to the Purging Bridge over the spiritual purging waters of heaven. I am the spiritual sentinel of the Purging Bridge.”

  “Good day to you, Sister. I am delighted to meet you,” Seán greeted her, and Nole expressed himself in a similar manner.

  “I expect there must be something significant about this bridge, Sister?” Seán set the question.

  “There is indeed Brother Seán. All spirits that travel the crooked road to heaven pass over this bridge or another similar bridge on another version of the crooked road and they leave the greater part of the burden of sin behind them
. They then encounter aspects of joy as they continue their journey on the other side. That, of course, applies to you, Brothers Seán and Nole, too.”

  “That good news is like sweet music to my spiritual ears, Sister.” Nole expressed his relief and delight.

  “I’ll go along with that, Sister,” Seán endorsed and added, “this meeting with you here, Sister, is a truly pleasant surprise for both of us.”

  “I am aware of how you spiritually feel, Brothers. When you cross the Purging Bridge your spiritual anguish will gradually diminish and will be replaced by slowly surging joy. This joy will saturate the cleansed part of your souls and will spread as you progress. Before crossing the bridge you must bathe your spiritual selves in the misty foam of the spiritual water that flows beneath the bridge. You will then feel almost purged and refreshed, ready to embrace the aspects of joy awaiting you as you advance along the crooked road.”

  “A bath in the spiritual foam of the purging water. That evokes memories of our earthly life,” Seán happily reminisced.

  “Oh yeah, that’s a fact. I can almost feel the results before I even start,” Nole enthused as both descended the slope into the spiritual foam of the spiritual stream.

  “Oh yeah, yeah, this is absolutely wonderful. I feel like a new man - I mean a new spirit already,” Nole rejoiced.

  “I never imagined the spirit could feel so refreshed. It’s a wonderful feeling. There was nothing on earth to compare with this.” Seán spilled his delight.

  “You can say that again, Seán. When you think about it we have no bodies with which to feel emotions and yet we feel better without them. Oh yeah, it’s strangely delightful.” Nole described his spiritual feelings.

  “I wouldn’t dare disagree with you Nole. It certainly is uniquely satisfying. When you feel ready we’ll go and cross the Purging Bridge,” Seán telepathically commented.

  “Why, I’m already ready!” Nole positively exclaimed, and added, “Just try and hold me back, Seán.”