Look at You Now

by Liz Pryor

  • • • •

  Afterward, Alice led us into the rectory dining area. It was a handsome room, covered in shiny dark wood, with light coming through the stained-glass windows. Tulips sat on each of the tables, and dozens of crepe paper Easter eggs hung from the ceiling. The girls found the candy egg table, and several of them began shoving chocolates into their pockets. Jill ducked out for a smoke. At that moment, a very strange-looking group of pregnant girls walked through the door. They were older than us, and I’d never seen them before. Amy came up and whispered, “That’s the fucking weird-ass red-haired girl. Look, look at her!” Sure enough, the girl with the red hair from the hall that day was in the group of girls. These must have been all of the over-eighteens from the other wing.

  Deanna couldn’t contain herself. She said out loud, for everyone to hear, “Holy shit. They let the crazy pregnant chicks out.”

  Wren covered her eyes. “I can’t even look at that one girl. I know something is wrong with her but she scares me.” There was a loopy-looking girl with wild frizzy hair who couldn’t seem to walk straight. She moved her hands all over the place. She had a very low-hanging pregnant stomach and was making loud screeching noises.

  “Nellie woulda eaten this shit up, sitting here with the whole crowd-a Cuckoo’s Nest bitches,” Deanna said. The older girls apparently had their own table, but a few of them decided to sit with us. One of them was playing with a wooden toy paddle that had a rubber ball attached by a rubber band. She was trying to paddle the ball, but kept hitting things on the table instead. A saltshaker and then a glass of water toppled over. Deanna got up, walked over, took the paddle out of the girl’s hand, and slammed it down on the table. The girl started crying, and then she started screaming. The resident supervisor from the other wing came over and tried to calm the girl. I took a long sip of water and felt my stomach go weak as an elderly priest approached the front of the room and tried to get our attention.

  He cleared his throat and began in a raspy, tired voice: “It is our great pleasure today to share with you girls this grand breakfast feast in honor of our Lord Jesus Christ. Remember that Jesus forgives all. To repent is how we free ourselves from wrongdoing.” He told us that we should all experience the glory of confession. He talked about the Resurrection. I liked the idea of a second life, or Second Coming or whatever it was. At the end, he asked us again to take advantage of the confessionals that would remain open for two hours after brunch.

  We were served warm croissants, bacon, sausage, pancakes, fresh orange juice, and hot tea. I sat and watched the crazy girls, and my friends, and Alice, and the priests. The food was delicious, but for some reason I couldn’t eat. I felt like standing up and screaming as loud as I possibly could. So instead, I walked over to Jill and asked her for a cigarette. She handed me her Zippo and a Marlboro. With a mouth full of food she said, “You don’t give me that lighter back, I know where you live.” I made my way outside, lit the cigarette with the Zippo, and puffed on the smoke. I thought about the confession booths inside of the church with the dutiful priests sitting in the dark. I’d always believed in God and tried to follow the rules of the church I’d been raised in, but I wasn’t sure I believed I had to go to confession for God to forgive me. Or for me to forgive myself. I was having conflicting feelings about the things the priests so often said, and the things I believed about God. The only thing I knew for sure was that God was there somewhere. I could feel it. Maybe that was all that mattered.

  I made my way back to the dining room. Everyone was gathered around our table, looking at something. I nudged my way through and saw Tilly on the floor.

  Wren and Amy helped her sit up in a chair at the table. “Those pains are enough for me to send you over, Tilly, get you checked. You might be ready,” Alice said.

  “Okay,” Tilly said.

  Alice turned to me. “You know the way, you want to walk her to the hospital?” I nodded. Alice said she’d let them know we were on our way. Tilly and I walked out of the rectory, arm in arm, and headed down the road to the hospital.

  “Does it hurt?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but not that bad.” I smiled. “Yet,” she added.

  We got to the entrance of the hospital and decided to sit down on the bench outside for a second. We were quiet for a while, and then I said: “Till, you think you can remember this? What I’m going to tell you?”

  “Yeah, I don’t think you lose your memory when you have a kid. What?”

  “The name of my dad’s company is Pryor Corporation. It’s listed in the phone book in Chicago. You can always know where I am or get me by calling there, okay?”

  “Got it.”

  I looked at her carefully. “Are you scared?”

  “Yeah, shitless, but, like you said, if everyone else can do it, I can do it, right?”

  We walked into the hospital and made our way to labor and delivery. They were expecting Tilly. We waited in a small room until a nurse came and handed Tilly a gown, a barf bin, and some ice chips. Tilly changed, sat up on the bed, and waited.

  “Now what?”

  “I don’t know, now you wait for more pains?”

  The nurse came back in and told us a doctor would check Tilly shortly. Tilly sat on the edge of the bed. “Thanks, Liz, for everything. I mean everything. I’m never gonna forget ya, and I’m gonna call ya, I’ll even call you at the facility sometime.” The nurse came in and told me to leave. She told me if Tilly wasn’t ready, she’d be released back to the facility. I reached over and hugged her sweaty neck and kissed her head.

  I sat down again on the bench outside the hospital. I looked up at the warm sun, and then saw someone standing directly in front of me. I put my hand up to my forehead to block the glare.

  “I need my lighter,” Jill said, looking at me with a smile on her face.

  “What the hell? How did you get out of there?”

  “You’re kidding, right?” She sat down next to me. “I told them I was so inspired by the confession lecture, I’d be at confession a long time.”

  I reached in my pocket and handed her the lighter. She pulled out the cigarettes and handed me one. “So what happened—is Tilly okay?”

  “I don’t know. They have to check and make sure she’s ready to stay there and have the baby. If she’s not, she’ll be coming back.”

  “So we wait and see?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What did Dr. Dick say about your baby coming?”

  “He thinks I have three more weeks.”

  “Well, that’s gonna suck for me.” She turned and looked at the hospital. “Fuck it, let’s go check on her.” She stepped on the cigarette and we headed to the hospital door. We made it to Tilly’s room without getting stopped. Tilly was sitting on the bed, dressed again.

  “I’m not ready yet, I’m at a two, you have to be like a seven or eight.”

  “It comes out at a ten… . Can you come back to the facility till you’re at a seven?” Jill said.

  “Yeah, they’re calling Alice right now.”

  Jill rushed out the door, said she’d be right back. Tilly and I waited.

  Jill came back in with the nurse, who said, “Okay, Tilly, these girls are going to escort you back to the facility. We’ll see you soon, hon.”

  Tilly hopped off the table and turned to Jill. “Whatdya do?”

  “I just pretended I was Liz, who can go anywhere she wants. I told the nurse to tell Alice I’d bring ya back.” I marveled at how scrappy and adult Jill really was.

  She snuck off to the church on the way back, to make it look like she’d gone to confession. Tilly and I watched the line of over-eighteen girls on the path back to the facility.

  “I thought I had it bad,” she said.

  “Yeah, me too,” I said.

  “You? Jesus, you’re the luckiest person in the world! You’re lucky on top of lucky.” Tilly was smiling a sad smile. “My mom used to say some people in this world are lucky, and some people aren’t, and you go
tta know which one you are. She reminded me every day I’m not one of the luckys.”

  I thought about that for a while as we walked. And then I asked her, “Did your mom ever talk to you about the good people in the world, and the not-so-good people?”

  “No … why?”

  “’Cause you’re one of the good ones … and that might even be better than being a lucky.”

  chapter 13

  Tilly had an expression on her face I’d never seen on anyone before. They were one person together, Tilly and her baby. Even in her jeans with the holes in the knees and her floppy shoes, she was breathtaking. She shined in the kind of way I’d forgotten it was possible for people to shine. She smiled and knelt down by my chair in the lounge. I was almost too big by now to hoist myself up.

  “You gotta hold him.” I shook my head. “Pleaaseeee, Liz, just smell his head, you’ll fucking die.” I looked a long moment, and then reached my arms out and took Tilly’s little baby boy. He had a light blue cap on his head and a round rosy face. He smelled like all things good in the world. My heart rose up through my chest and into my throat.

  “He’s perfect, Tilly, just perfect,” I said. And he was.

  I gave her back the baby, hugged them both for a long time, and she left. To go back to her life—with Rick, and the baby, and everything that came next. A raw sadness filled me as I watched her walk out. Every ounce of me was happy for her, but at the same time, I was horrified and petrified for myself. I had to lean into her joy at that moment, instead of falling into my own darkness. She navigated her way to the cab with her big sneakers, her baby, and her bag. I smiled and touched the window as she waved goodbye and shut the cab door behind her. Tilly had saved me in a way that she may never know, but that I would never forget. Wren, Alice, Jill, Amy, Deanna, and the new girl were all staring at me. Alice cleared her throat.

  “She’s a good egg, that Tilly,” Alice said.

  “Yeah, you don’t meet people like Tilly in a place like this,” Jill said. I stared out the window and watched as the cab disappeared.

  • • • •

  Ms. Graham sat behind her desk in the tweed suit. She had a slight sparkle to her that I hadn’t seen before.

  “Thanks for coming in, Liz, I know it’s not the regular day. How are you doing?”

  “Fine.”

  “You’re finally in the homestretch. How does it feel?”

  “Good.”

  “Are you looking forward to going home?”

  “Yeah.” I’d been looking forward to leaving almost every day since I arrived, but as the reality approached, it felt different. Was I looking forward to beginning this new phase? To living the lie that would become branded into the core of who I was? Was I prepared to give birth to a baby like Tilly’s, a baby that smelled like heaven, and give it away to people I would never meet?

  “You know that baby of yours will be in very loving, caring hands,” said Ms. Graham. It was like she could hear my thoughts. “The adoptive parents are so looking forward to the delivery. You’ll be coming back up to the city soon after to sign off in court on the adoption.”

  “I know.”

  She smiled at my huge belly. “You look ready.” Just as I was about to tell her how much it sucked to be so hugely pregnant, there was a knock on the door. Ms. Graham called out, “Come in.” I looked up at her door and saw my mom’s face.

  “Liz, dear!” she said. She had on a light blue cotton sweater with several thick strands of pearls around her neck. Her golden suntanned skin against her big white smile lit up the gloomy room.

  “Mom? What are you doing here?” She came over to hug me, but stopped short to take in my enormous stomach. She stepped back for a moment and then hugged me sideways away from my belly. She put her black patent leather bag down on Ms. Graham’s desk and sat in the chair next to me.

  “She called early this morning,” Ms. Graham said to me. “I assured her this was a good day to come.”

  My mom held my hand. “I feel terrible about Easter, after saying I would come up and see you. I feel just awful. I am so, so sorry. So … here I am.” She threw her arms up in the air. Ms. Graham smiled at us.

  “While I have you both,” Ms. Graham said, “I want to share some very good news going on around here.” She was as close to excited as I’d ever seen her. “Believe it or not, two of the resident girls have decided to also give their babies up for adoption.

  “There have been no adoptions in all the time I have been here. We are thrilled and relieved that the girls are beginning to see adoption as an option to keeping their babies. They’re so young, and so many of them ill-equipped. Honestly, Liz, we believe most of this is due to the influence you’ve had.”

  I looked down at the floor. I didn’t know what to say. Ms. Graham said to Dorothy, “Mrs. Pryor, you should feel deeply proud. Liz has impacted the girls in so many positive ways. They respect her, they listen to her, and they feel close to her, which is rare. Remarkable, really.”

  My mother didn’t say a word. She turned her head and looked out the window in silence. What the hell? Why was she not saying anything? After a long moment, Dorothy stood up and straightened out her skirt. “Liz has an enormous amount on her plate right now, Ms. Graham,” she said. “She is here to have this child, and get home as soon as possible to resume her life. The well-being of the less fortunate girls here, well, that is not something Liz should be taking on. It is difficult enough that she has had to immerse herself and live here. I don’t want her saddled with their problems and lives. My concern is for Liz, and her ability to get through this difficult time. You can understand that, no?”

  “Mrs. Pryor, all I meant to say is that you have a kind and impressionable daughter… .”

  “I see,” Dorothy said. She was terribly uncomfortable. My mom rose from the chair, picked her purse off the desk, and headed for the door. She turned around and waited for me to get up. But I remained seated. I looked at Ms. Graham.

  “Who else is giving up their baby besides Amy?” I asked.

  Ms. Graham smiled a real smile. “Wren, and Jill has asked some questions. And as time goes on, there will be more. I just know it. Amy is ready with a family in place and set to return to high school. And we’re working on some things for Wren as well.”

  I got up from my chair and walked around the desk toward her. “Thanks for saying those nice things.” For the first time ever, I hugged Ms. Graham. She pulled me close, stomach and all, and whispered, “Thank you, Liz.” I turned back and followed my mom out of the room and through the guard gate door. The click, click, click of Dorothy’s heels against the linoleum floor rang loud in my ears.

  The trees outside had almost all their leaves now, and the grass covering the grounds looked like a fresh green carpet. Dorothy started the car and rolled down the window. That meant she was not going to drive. She couldn’t stand the wind blowing her hair while she drove. Window down meant she was going to talk.

  “I’m happy to see you, honey,” she said.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I’m an ass, aren’t I?”

  “Yeah … you kind of are.”

  “Liz, I … I don’t want to hear about the girls in there. I just don’t, damn it. Does that make me an awful person? It is ridiculous to me that you would be even slightly burdened with their problems. You aren’t supposed to be impacting them, you are to be focusing on yourself, on getting through this and out of here.”

  “She wasn’t saying that, Mom, you don’t get it. I’ve been living here for five months now.” Tears were falling down her cheeks. “Mom, please, it’s fine, don’t worry, it’s just … Damn it, Mom. Ms. Graham was trying to tell you something nice about me, and you didn’t want to hear it. That’s all …”

  She brushed some lint off her coat and answered, “Fair enough, you’re right, really you are. I apologize … I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This whole mess has been difficult, I mean very, very difficult, for me. All of it. You are my d
aughter, I love you, and I worry so about you. And I desperately want it to be over.”

  She continued in a more surrendered tone. “I know you’re disappointed about Easter … maybe I made the wrong decision in going to Sea Island. It’s just that I have the twins to consider also. I feel very guilty now about it… .”

  “It’s fine, Mom.”

  “It’s not fine.” She looked out the window. “And then there’s your father of course. He had quite a bit to say about his visit here with you. His royal highness believes I’ve made another rotten decision sending you here.” She paused. “I need to sell more houses, Liz, I’m out of money. I’m always out of money. While that ass travels the world with his … wife.”

  “Mom …” I said. She was full-on crying at this point.

  “I’m sorry, honey, it just never seems to get easier.” She looked up at the ceiling of the car. “I’m doing the best I can, I just can’t seem to get a break!” She wiped her eyes. “Forgive me, Lizzie, I’m falling apart.” I scooted over in my seat and put my hand on her shoulder. It was torture to watch my mother so desperate—she had tried so hard and done so much to keep it all together for us.