The Sweetheart Rules

by Shirley Jump

  “I found someone who understood. Remember I told you about that recruiter? He told me he’d been on the verge of dropping out of high school when he found the Coast Guard. He made it sound so perfect. A job that mattered, that made a difference every day, and still let you be a little wild. Before the end of that day, I had signed on the dotted line. That recruiter, he kept in touch with me all through basic and every year I was stationed at Kodiak. Even after he retired, he’d send me an e-mail or call me once in a while, just to see how I was doing. When things got hard, I talked to him. He was my sounding board, my advisor, my mentor. I guess he was like a dad to me, if that makes sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense.” She smiled. “I’m glad you had someone like that.”

  “Me too. Who knows where I would have ended up otherwise?” Actually, he did know where he would have ended up—either the streets or jail—but that wasn’t a picture he wanted to paint for Diana right now.

  Diana sighed. “Jackson needs someone like that in his life. I do my best, but I’m a mom, and he really needs a strong male influence. Sean… well, he’s a musician, and he’s about as reliable as a broken watch. If a big gig comes up or some venue needs a fill-in band, he drops everything to be there. I can’t count the number of times I’ve covered for him when he’s disappointed Jackson by canceling at the last second.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t cover for him. Jackson’s old enough to hear the truth. I’m not saying bash his dad, but don’t paint an overly bright picture. I grew up in a house where lies were more common than mosquitoes in the summer, and believe me, it did me no favors. When I finally realized the truth…” He let out a breath. “It was too late. I was already in the Coast Guard, and gone. I didn’t see the point in going back and dredging all that up.”

  “Welcome to the Avoiding Tough Stuff Club.” She grinned.

  “Hell, I’m a charter member.” Mike knew he’d used the distance from Florida to Alaska as an excuse for not going back home to see his mother. Now she was two hours away, and still he hadn’t made the trip up there.

  He watched his girls, running back and forth on the sand with the dogs. Their laughter flowed like a bubbling brook, happy and light, filling the air with a sweet music. Would his girls end up like him? Struggling through their teen years, dabbling in drugs and sex and losing their way? Or would he be able to guide them through the years ahead with a calm but strong hand? He worried he would lose the battle before it even started, being so far away, and so out of touch. But he worried most of all that if he tried this parenting thing full-time…

  He’d turn out like his own parents.

  So far this summer, he’d give himself a passing grade for Fatherhood 101. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

  “I keep saying that one of these days, I’ll go confront my past, but I keep putting it off. Because…” He watched his children, his heart full, and decided this whole strong-and-invulnerable act wasn’t getting him anywhere. He was scared shitless that he’d screw things up with Jenny and Ellie, and maybe admitting that was the first step toward not screwing it up. “Because I’m afraid I’ll realize I’m exactly the same. That I’m that dad who’s going to go get the paper one day and never come back. Or that mom who’s going to marry someone who hates her child. The last thing I want to do is put Jenny and Ellie through that kind of hell.”

  “You seem to be doing okay with them now.”

  “I’m learning. On-the-job training at its best.” He grinned.

  “It doesn’t matter how good of a parent you are. You’ll always worry that you’re not there enough or not giving them enough or not listening enough or just not being enough in general.” She picked up a shell and tossed it onto the sand. “And sometimes your worries come true and you realize you didn’t just lose your child—you lost yourself for a while.”

  He sensed there were several things she was leaving unsaid. It wasn’t just about finding Jackson at that house, or discovering he’d smoked some weed. There was more, but what it was, Mike didn’t know.

  Either way, he had no doubt that everything would work out. Diana was one of those great parents who put their kids first, who built that foundation out of impromptu basketball games in the driveway and movie-and-popcorn nights.

  “He’ll be okay, Diana.” Mike gave her hand a squeeze. “He’s a good kid, with a good base. A base you provided. You have been a good parent; don’t you doubt that for a second. You’ve been to the first-grade plays and the kindergarten graduations and the birthday parties and the trips to the zoo. That matters to a kid, believe me.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. She bit her lower lip, but it still trembled with doubt. “I hope you’re right.”

  He placed a finger against that lip. “I know I am.”

  They sat there for a moment, until Diana nodded, and he saw the doubt ease. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “Anytime.”

  A heartbeat passed, another. Then the quiet erupted in laughter, as the girls and dogs came charging over to the blanket, scattering sand everywhere and turning the neatly laid picnic area into a jumbled mess. Mike started to fix it, then figured, what the hell. This was part of having kids. He welcomed the mess. It meant his girls were comfortable and happy, and because of that, so was he.

  “Daddy, I’s hungry!” Ellie said.

  Mike chuckled. “Okay, okay. Take a seat and I’ll get the subs.” He dispensed the meals to the girls, tossing an extra chunk of bread to the dogs. They all ate together, the girls working to outtalk each other about the fun they’d had, the shells they’d found, how much they wanted to go swimming. The food was gone in a blink of an eye, and then the girls and dogs were back down the beach.

  Mike cleaned up the trash and took it over to a nearby can, then helped Diana to her feet. “They eat faster than a bunch of hungry recruits in basic training.”

  She laughed. “Wait till they’re teenagers. Then the food bill quadruples.”

  “I better get a second job then.” He chuckled. “Actually, I think between the two girls, their college tuitions, and future weddings, I’m going to need to hit the lottery or work until I’m ninety.”

  Diana laughed, feeling light in her step, her chest. The day was sunny, the girls were laughing and darting in and out of the water, and the dogs were charging up and down the beach. They’d left Diana’s three at home, and instead brought along Mary and Cinderella. The golden and the sheltie mix played together well, between Mary’s puppy energy and Cinderella’s glad-to-be-out-of-the-kennel exuberance.

  “Feeling better?”

  “Feeling… lighter. I know there’s a lot left to worry about, but right now”—she turned her face to greet the sun—“those worries seem a million miles away. Thank you for making me feel better.”

  “Does that mean I’ll get you to go swimming?”

  She shot him a glance. “You just want to see me in my bikini.”

  “You never mentioned a bikini.”

  “A girl’s gotta have some mystery.” She gave him a teasing smile.

  “Sweetheart, you have a lot of mysteries,” he said. “Believe me.”

  “Well, let’s clear up one of them right now.” Her gaze met his. He removed his sunglasses, still as a statue, watching as she began unbuttoning her shirt, one tiny button at a time. The tension and desire in his face made her tease him even more, knowing he was standing a respectable distance away and unable to touch her, with his daughters just down the beach. She raised a shoulder, then the other, letting the shirt fall from her shoulders and puddle on the ground, before reaching for the button on her shorts.

  “I’ve never wanted to be on a private beach as badly as I do right now,” he said, his voice low and dark. “You are enjoying the hell out of teasing me like this, aren’t you?”

  “Of course I am.” She shed the shorts, and stood there in a teeny white bikini that she hoped made everything in him go white-hot in resp
onse. Because the way he was looking at her was making her melt, that was for sure.

  “Oh my God. You are killing me, sweetheart. Killing me.”

  “That’s why I waited to show you my swimsuit.” Her words danced with laughter. “Because I knew it would make you act just like that.”

  “Like this?” He lunged for her, and she darted away, laughing. But he caught her hand and swept her into his arms, then charged down the beach.

  “Mike!” Diana shrieked and wrapped her arms around his neck, even as she thought how much she loved being in his arms. “Don’t you dare—”

  He took a step into the water, held her over it, then yanked her back in, against his chest. It felt warm, safe, comfortable, here in his arms. “Do you trust me?”

  Her gaze connected with his, and in that moment, she thought there was nothing and nowhere else she wanted to be than in Mike’s arms. “Yes, Mike. I trust you.”

  • • •

  Do you trust me?

  The question had been a joke, but when Diana looked up at him with those big green eyes and said, Yes, Mike, I trust you, the enormity of those words hit him full-force. It wasn’t just about trusting him not to throw her in the water; it was about trusting him not to break her heart.

  Damn.

  He turned and placed her at the edge of the water, where the ocean swooshed in and out against her ankles and her toes sank in the damp, white sand. “Then I won’t throw you to the sharks.”

  “Phew.” She laughed, then bent down and splashed a spray of water his way. “That’s for almost throwing me in the water.”

  “Oh, is that how you thank me?” He laughed, then scooped up some water. Diana shrieked and ran down the beach, her long legs striding through the water with ease. He gave chase, and before he knew it, the dogs and the girls had joined in, one raucous circle splashing in and out of the water’s edge. They laughed, they splashed, they swam, and then they all collapsed on the sandy blanket and lay under the warm, bright sun.

  “Daddy?” Ellie said, curling onto his chest, her wet bathing suit cold against his side. Her voice was sleepy, her eyes drooping. “I had fun. Lots of fun.”

  “Me too, angel, me too.” He rubbed her forehead, then lay back and enjoyed the sun and the feel of his daughter dozing in his arms. Diana lay on his other side, holding his hand, while Jenny lay beside Ellie, cuddled up to Cinderella and Mary. The dogs’ tails wagged slow and easy, echoing the happiness of the humans.

  It was as close to perfect as life could get. Mike didn’t want the day with Diana to end, this time with his daughters to end. But end it would. He had a commitment to the Coast Guard, and that wasn’t going to disappear just because he wanted to stay on this beach forever. Maybe once he got back to Alaska it would be easier. He’d slip into the regimented life there and it would ease the pain of separating from the girls, Diana, this place.

  Yeah, maybe not. The month here had changed him in fundamental ways, and he doubted all the order and schedules in the world could undo that.

  “Are you thinking about Alaska?” Diana asked, reading his mind.

  “Yeah.”

  “About going back?”

  “I have to. Property of the U.S. government.” He tried a smile, but she didn’t return the gesture.

  Without a word, Diana got to her feet and padded down the soft sand to the water. Mike extricated himself from the sleeping girls and followed her down to the water. She had tugged on her shirt again, and the soft fabric skimmed her hips, giving him enticing peeks of her bikini bottom.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Just… trying to figure some things out.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “I’m good.” She wrapped her arms around herself and kept her gaze on the ocean. She might as well have built a wall between them.

  “So we’re back to where we started.”

  She pivoted toward him. The breeze caught her hair and flipped a long lock across her cheek. “What do you mean? Nothing changed from before, Mike. You’re not settling down and we’re not staying together. All this”—she waved toward the beach, the sleeping dogs and children—“was a blip in our lives. One of those bittersweet memories we’ll have. Nothing more.”

  “What if I didn’t want it to be a bittersweet memory? What if I wanted more?”

  She shook her head. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Don’t complicate my life right now.”

  “What are you so afraid of?” She was so like him, this fragile, steely woman who wouldn’t let anyone in, who was afraid of opening the door to her soul. She’d said she trusted him, but clearly that only applied to him not throwing her in the ocean.

  “I’m not afraid of anything,” she said. “I just have a lot on my plate right now, and I don’t need to add anything to that list.”

  “Anything like a relationship.” He let out a curse and turned away. Every time they started to travel the same path, she threw up a roadblock. Damn it, he didn’t want this summer to be a bittersweet memory. He wanted to keep moving forward with her, to see where this would lead. To jump off the cliff and see if they’d land in the same happy place as Luke and Olivia. “I want more than just today, Diana.”

  “The no-expectations, no-strings guy is doing a one-eighty? Back in January, you made it very clear you weren’t the kind to settle down, and like a fool, I…” She bit her lip, and shook her head. “I fell for you anyway.”

  The hurt in her voice sliced through his heart. Was that why she wouldn’t open up to him now? Was she afraid he would hurt her again? Leave her some cold note and break her heart? “I was a jerk, Diana. I kept telling myself the best thing I could do was make a clean, even break. I never expected that you would fall for me, or that I… I would fall for you.”

  She chuffed. “You didn’t fall for me. You made that very clear.”

  “I lied.” He caught her chin, and waited for her to meet his gaze. The water made gentle swirls around their ankles, and the gulls circled above, letting out sharp cries like warnings. “I lied to you, and I lied to myself. Hell, I’ve been lying to myself most of my life. It was easier to do that than to accept the fact that I was scared shitless that I was going to screw up a marriage and kids, like my mother did when she married my stepfather. And guess what? I did exactly that. I married a woman I didn’t love, had two kids I didn’t pay attention to, and then left town after I had a one-night stand with an amazing woman I did love.”

  “Mike, don’t do this.” She jerked away from him and strode into the water until the sea kissed her knees. “I’m not what you think. I’m not this superwoman single mom.”

  “Nobody’s perfect, I know that. But you’re a good—”

  “Stop telling me I’m a good anything, Mike!” She cursed and shook her head. “You don’t know me.”

  “That’s because you don’t let me know you. I get so far, and then you put up a wall and stop me from getting any closer. You told me you loved me back in January.” He came around in front of her. “How can you love someone if you don’t let them into your heart a hundred percent?”

  “Don’t…” She swiped away a tear. “Don’t do this.”

  “Don’t tell you how I feel? You know what I just realized? I’m not the one afraid of settling down. You are. You’re so damned terrified that you run at the mere mention of a relationship. I told you everything about me, but you… you’ve kept so much of yourself back. I want all of you, Diana, not just the pretty parts you show the rest of the world.” He saw the walls in her eyes, the ones that provided a fierce protection against hurt, like they were a fictional dragon guarding the castle.

  “I just… I don’t open up easily,” she said.

  “You don’t open up at all. You keep it all bottled up in here”—he pressed a finger to her chest—“because you figure that if you keep everything under control, then all those fears and shortcomings won’t rear their ugly heads. I got news for you, sweetheart: control is a fiction we create for ours
elves. It’s a lie I’ve told myself for a long damned time. Too long.” He looked back at the two little girls asleep on the blanket a few feet away. He’d almost missed out on them because he’d let those same fears rule his life.

  “Mike, it’s not so easy for me. I’ve been alone a long time and it’s… it’s hard to trust anyone.”

  “Earlier you said you trusted me,” he said, raising a hand to her jaw. “Prove it.”

  Her green eyes begged him not to push her, to just leave it alone. “Mike…”

  “I want the expectations and strings, Diana. I want the whole enchilada. When you’re ready for the same thing, and to be truly open and honest with me”—he dropped his hand—“you know where I am.”

  Twenty-eight

  Diana had buried herself in work for two days. She’d straightened the office, organized the files, set up the renovated kennel areas for new residents, and generally done whatever she could to make the days pass and keep herself from thinking.

  Yeah, it didn’t work. If anything, her mind wandered ten times more when she was doing busywork.

  She worried about her son. Wondered where Mike was. If he had left for Alaska yet. If he was thinking about her.

  And she thought a lot about what he had said to her that day on the beach. All along, she’d told herself it was he who had the commitment problem.

  Back in January, maybe he had been the one shying away from anything more permanent than a one-night stand, but now, he was right—she was doing the same thing.

  All her life, she’d thought she was just waiting for the right man to come along. Told herself she’d met a lot of losers who didn’t want anything more than a good time. Sean had epitomized the kind of guy Diana chose—charming and fickle.

  Mike was a different breed. He was intense and strong and determined. He had this innate ability to see past the facade she kept in place for the rest of the world.

  Dropping that curtain meant telling the truth—that she had failed her own child not once, but twice. She had done everything right—made the meals, cleaned the clothes—but not done the hardest part.