Double-Barreled Devilry

by D Michael Bartsch

  Ted is only about three feet tall, so his office chair is a big leather monstrosity with a five thousand dollar wooden booster seat strapped to it. He's a little sensitive about it, so I try and make sure to bring it up whenever possible.

  Tobacco smoke was thick in the air. I could see an ashtray filled with snuffed out butts sticking up like a cancerous hedgehog. He was holding a lit cigarette in his little three-fingered right hand. His scaly skin was a faded snot green color, and each of his stubby fingers ended in dull black nails.

  His head was a rounded melon that pulled forward into a six inch long, pointed snout. Bat like ears, covered in patchy white hair stuck out of his head. He was wearing a toddler’s tuxedo, minus the bow tie, and I knew that if I could see legs behind the desk, his bare feet would be dangling in the air.

  Looking up from his work, Ted snarled. Yellowed teeth filled his elongated mouth in unevenly spaced patterns, three rows deep. He stared at me hard from behind his gold-rimmed glasses.

  I didn't let the little guy bother me. I closed the door and walked to the guest chair on the opposite side of his desk. Sitting down, I sat back and smiled.

  “Ted.”

  He regarded me coolly. He'd closed his ugly mouth, but I could still hear a throaty noise as he growled beneath his breath.

  He carried on like that for nearly a minute before he took a long drag from his cigarette. He held the smoke in for a moment before breathing it out through the nostril holes on the top of his beak. Smoke streamed into the air in twin columns, shooting up in front of his face.

  “Cain,” He said. “What in God's name are you doing here?”

  “We need to talk.”

  “Get the hell out of my store before I kill you.”

  I was pretty tired of people holding stuff against me. Ted had more reason to be pissed at me than most people, but it was still annoying.

  “You can't kill me, Ted. If you have someone else do it, you know that you'll have to assume my debt from Balthazar. He told you that five years ago.”

  Puffing away, the little green Hellion leaned forward.

  “I'm starting to think that half a million wouldn't be that much to see your head on a plate. To cook your flesh and feel your eyeballs pop as I clawed them out of your skull.”

  Ted really hated me.

  “Easy now. No reason we can't be civil.”

  Ted roared, sweeping his tiny arm across his desk. The ash tray shattered as it crashed into a filing cabinet. Several folders filled with paper spilled onto the floor and a cloud of ash rained down around them.

  “My brother is dead because of you, you miserable son of a bitch! I see no reason we could ever be civil.”

  I'd been afraid of this. Ted's brother Carl had died in Minsk five years earlier. I don't think it was my fault, but Ted had disagreed.

  “You weren't there. The Venatori showed up, and we had to pull out. Carl didn't get out in time. He wanted to keep going. He insisted on going. He got himself killed.”

  “He would have lived if you hadn't abandoned him to those animals! Do you know what the Venatori do to my kind when they capture us?”

  I nodded. I knew all too well what had happened to Carl. Even if I hadn't witnessed it with my own eyes, I'd been present when other Hellions were captured. They were executed, but not before being tortured for any information that they might be able to give. Hell, I'd spent time in the same cages.

  Carl and Andrej had both wanted to keep going when we found out about the Venatori. I had refused. I knew I'd end up back in the Void if they found me, and I wasn't about to go back. Andrej and I had gotten into it, and Carl had taken off by himself. He'd tried to do the job on his own. The Venatori had been waiting for him. They picked him up, and no one had ever seen him since. No one needed too. We all knew there was only one outcome to that.

  “Ted, something's happening now, and it's bigger than what happened between us. I need your help. Balthazar needs your help. I'm here on business for him.”

  “If you're here on business from Balthazar then you can get the hell out. If he's dealing with you again, he's not working with me.”

  Flicking his wrist, Ted sent his lit cigarette flying towards me. It landed against my chest in a burst of embers.

  I looked down in my lap at the smoking cigarette. I swept it aside with my hand. I ground it into the floor with the toe of my boot.

  “Fair enough. I know when I'm not wanted.”

  I stood, pushing back from the chair. I turned and walked to the door, pausing as I grabbed the handle. This was my chance. I needed info, not just on everything going on with Balthazar, but I had to find out who Prufrock really was. I needed to know why Moloch was trying to kill me. I needed to get ahead for once, being two steps behind everyone else had gotten old.

  Instead of turning the handle to go, I looked at the five-foot-tall black filing cabinet that stood next to the door. Without thinking too much about what might come from the plan that was forming in my head, I reached over and rocked the filing cabinet. It was heavy, filled to the brim with papers and who knows what else. I tried to make it look easy, but I needed to reset my legs and give it a good heave to tip it over enough to get it to topple.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Ted asked.

  It smashed to the ground in front of the door with a crash, thick cracks shot through the wood from underneath the cabinet.

  I turned around, pulling the STI from my jacket and leveling it at the little Hellion.

  Ted's eyes opened wide as he looked down the barrel of the gun. He had an unlit cigarette in one hand, the other holding a butane lighter, the blue flame barely visible in the room.

  “Cain. Think about what you are doing here.” He said. “You came here on official business for Balthazar. You represent him and his interests here. I don't think he would be happy to find out that you compromised his position in any way.”

  I smiled, walking back over to the desk. I sat back down in the chair on the opposite side, keeping the gun level with Ted's face.

  “Ted, I think you’re forgetting something.”

  “What would that be?”

  I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a small plastic bottle, setting it on the desk. Ted's eyes went to the bottle, the cigarette falling from his three-fingered hand in shock. He looked back to me, fear showing deeply.

  The bottle of anointing oil had cost me ten bucks at a local bible thumper store that I'd stopped at on the way over to see Ted. He had good reason to be scared. Anointing oil is like acid to Hellions; one drop would be enough to melt through his flesh, burning a hole through his hand.

  I leaned forward. “I don't give a shit about Balthazar or his reputation, and I sure as hell don't give a shit about Hellion trash like you.

  “I'm gonna ask you some questions, and if I like your answers, I'll consider leaving you alive. If I don't, I'll use that oil and burn your arms off before I stuff that bottle down your gullet. I'm a desperate man, Ted. I don't have much to lose, and to be honest; I don't think anyone will really care if you're gone anyway. That's the thing with Gremlins; you're like rats. There's always a dozen more waiting in the shadows.”

  Ted clenched his beak closed and rumbled a small growl beneath his breath. Smoke came out of his nostrils, making him look a little like a live-action cartoon character. I kept the gun on him, trying not to smile.

  “What the hell is Balthazar up to?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  I reached over and uncapped the bottle of oil. The rolling tip was wet with shiny oil that gleamed in the lamplight.

  “Don't push me Ted. I'm all out of patience today. Why does Balthazar have Andrej all over the city looking for Hellions? What has he gotten himself into since I left?”

  Ted reached down and grabbed the unlit cigarette he'd dropped. He lit it and took a heavy drag, sucking in deeply. He held the smoke in before letting it stream out above his head.

  “I don't know what all he's
into these days. After Carl died, I started to pull away from him. He may be able to separate business from personal, but it wasn't so easy for me. I pretty much broke all ties from him two years ago.”

  “The money's always been good with Balthazar. We both know you loved your brother, but not enough to pass up good business.” I said.

  Ted nodded.

  “I got word that he started to collect Hellions for sale on the open market. That’s bad for business. I work with Hellions every day, even if I didn't, how long before he came looking for me?”

  “Balthazar's been selling Hellions?”

  “That's what I said isn't it.”

  That wasn't good, not even a little bit. I knew that there was a market for it. There are always warlocks and other troublesome undesirables who need them for various things. Most get used as blood magic sacrifices. Some people try and tame the wilder, less intelligent Hellions.

  It was also dangerous. Not only did you have to actively hunt down Hellions; you had to take them alive. I don't think the risk was worth the reward, and to be honest, I had a hard time believing that Balthazar would either. He was a rat bastard, but he wasn't stupid. Hellion hunting would catch up with you eventually. Just like Ted said, it was only a matter of time before Hellions and other halfbreeds stopped doing business with you, or worse.

  “Do you know who he's selling them to?” I asked.

  “I've heard rumors. To be honest, no one knows much for sure about anything he does anymore. He's connected with some rather nasty people.”

  “Which people is that?”

  “The nasty kind.”

  “Don't get cute,” I said.

  I grabbed the bottle of anointing oil and rolled it across the top of the desk, leaving a holy snail trail gleaming in the light.

  “Look I don't know alright. I've been trying to find out for a while now, but nobody's talking. Whoever they are, everyone who knows about ‘em is scared to death of ‘em.”

  I nodded.

  “What do you know about the attack on Talia?” I asked.

  “Pretty much what everyone else knows. Broad daylight, both bodyguards supposedly dead. Word is that Hellions were involved, Ravagers if rumors are to be heeded.”

  “Those ones should.”

  “Well, I know that he hasn't put a bounty out on the person who summoned the Hellion. No one is sure why. The last time someone made a play against Balthazar, he offered a million for every family member and any friend they'd ever had. He burned them all alive.”

  That sounded like the heartless bastard I knew.

  “He brought me in to find them,” I said.

  “If he stooped so low as to bring you in, something else is going on,” He said. “Everyone in town knows that you're washed up.”

  “Hey now, no need to get any uglier than you already are,” I said.

  “Look who's talking, meat sack.”

  I squeezed the trigger of the STI. The gun kicked as the shot cracked in the small room. The round took Ted high in the chest, just below his tiny collarbone. Black blood spilled from the hole that ripped through his tiny body. White fluff burst into the air as the round crashed through the leather chair behind him and shot out the window into the night.

  I flipped the safety. No need to shoot some poor asshole on the street a block away.

  Dropping the cigarette, Ted rolled away from the desk and screamed, pressing his clawed hand against the wound. The smell of sulfurous brimstone filled the room, overpowering the scent of stale smoke.

  I felt vibrations in the floor as someone pounded up the stairs and the hallway to the door. There was a dull thump as someone crashed into the door. It held firm with the cabinet preventing it from opening.

  “Ted? What's going on?”

  It was Carol. She practically screamed the words, trying again and again to force the door open.

  I turned back to Ted. He was still holding one hand to the wound. He was glaring at me.

  “Next time I use the oil. Now, have you heard anything else about the hit on Talia?”

  Ted shook his head.

  “What about a guy named Sartre?”

  He shook his head again.

  “Damn,” I said. “Fair enough. You ever heard of a guy who calls himself Prufrock?”

  Ted let go of his shoulder, his mouth opening slightly. His eyes darted around the room, like he was looking for some invisible thing.

  “Who told you that name?” He asked.

  His voice was barely a whisper; I could hardly hear it over Carol's continued screams outside the door. I turned, flipped the safety, and put a round through the door, aiming high.

  I heard a screech and the sound of a body collapsing to the floor.

  “Shut up out there!” I shouted.

  I turned back to Ted.

  He asked again. “Where did you hear that name?”

  “I heard it from the guy using it,” I said.

  “You met him?” He asked.

  “I did. I take it you know who he is, wanna fill me in?”

  Ted picked up his dropped cigarette and pulled a long drag of smoke into his mouth. He smiled through a grimace of pain as he exhaled the smoke.

  “Only by reputation, and if you're mixed up with him, you won't live to see next week.”

  That made me angry. I hate Hellions to begin with, and when they are just plain rude, it really gets me going. I set the STI on the desk and grabbed the bottle of anointing oil, standing as I did. I started to walk around the desk. I kicked the miniature set of stairs Ted used to get into his chair aside. Ted gaped at the bottle in my hand. He tried to scoot backward, but he had nothing to push against.

  I grabbed him by the snout.

  “Listen to me very carefully, Ted.” I leaned against the edge of the desk, a foot away from him. His little body barely filled the chair, his feet dangled, kicking nervously. “I'm going to ask you again. You're going to give me an answer. If I don't like it, you're getting burned. Understood?”

  Ted looked up at me, his hateful little eyes narrowing. I let go him.

  “It doesn't matter what you do to me. If I tell you anything about him, I will know pain ten thousand fold. Do your worst you soulless bastard. Even if you kill me, you'll be dead soon enough, and when you get to Hell, you'll know pain like you've never imagined.

  “Moloch has sent word to anyone who will listen. You’re contract his void and he has promised wealth beyond imagination to the one who sends him your soul.

  “Every Demon alive waits for the day that the fallen hunter will end up in Hell. They will revel in the sounds of your pained screams for eternity. There is no hope for you, Cain.”

  That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. It was all true. A shitty fate waits for me on the day I finally die. I still don't like being reminded of it, though, especially not from a piece of Hellion trash like Ted.

  I leaned forward, trying to smirk while I did it, but I was just too damn pissed to pull it off. I reached forward with my left hand and wormed my fingers between Ted's leathery lips.

  He tried to pull back from me, but I stuck one end of the bottle in my mouth and used both hands to pry open his beak, tilting his head back as I did. I managed to maneuver around the rows of ragged teeth that filled his mouth.

  When I had his mouth open wide enough, I leaned over above him and dropped the bottle of oil, opening my mouth and letting it fall.

  The little bottle tumbled through the air a foot and landed on Ted's slithering tongue. I immediately reversed my hands on his jaw and slammed his mouth shut.

  His eyes bulged, and his little claws tried to tear at my hands, but I was able to use the sheer size difference to keep moving him off balance. The claws scraped uselessly over the leather sleeves of my jacket.

  Even with his mouth shut, Ted was screaming. He screamed like a dying animal for a few seconds before the oil dissolved his vocal cords. After that, I could barely make out the sound of sizzling flesh over the sounds of his ragge
d breathing. Carol started pounding on the door again, yelling every curse she could think of.

  I leaned down to one of the ear holes on the side of Ted's face.

  “Your brother was a worthless sack of shit who died because he couldn't get his head out of his ass long enough to realize what was good for him.”

  Smoke was rising from Ted's nostrils, leaking from between his lips in earnest. It smelled horrible. I watched as his eyes rolled back into his head and his arms and legs stopped thrashing about. I let go of his mouth then. His head collapsed back against the chair, jaw going slack. What was left of his tongue leaked out of the corner of his mouth and flopped onto the leather chair with a wet slap.

  Black sores began bubbling up on his chest and stomach as the oil burned him from the inside out. The whole bottle was overkill for a Hellion as small as Ted, but I took a great deal of satisfaction watching him die. I shouldn't have.

  Everyone in town thought Ted was a bastard, but enough of them had dealings with him that they would have to at least pretend to be angry. There was a chance that some of that flack would find its way to Balthazar. I didn't care. I had enough going on to worry about that.

  Hell, I didn't think I was going to live long enough for it to matter anyway.

  10

  I waited for the lock to flash green as I stood outside the Siren Club's back entrance. Without Andrej there, I had to ring the bell and wait. I was pretty certain that they were under orders to make me just a little too long. Bastards.

  It had taken awhile to get back to the club from Ted's shop. I'd tried to move the filing cabinet away from the door, but the damn thing was so heavy that it was nearly impossible to get any kind of leverage on it. Carol had been on the other side screaming the whole time, and I didn't want to have to deal with her.