Buddha Da

by Donovan, Anne

  Ah lifted ma mammy’s claes oot the wardrobe, hangers and all, and put them intae a bin bag. Then ah locked the hoose and walked oot, doon the road, no knowin where ah was gaun.

  It was dead trendy, the hairdressers; painted cream and black, mirrors in beaten metal and a big vase of lilies at the reception desk. Ah’d walked by it often enough but never been in. Never thought there was any chance of an appointment on a Saturday efternoon but when ah spoke tae the lassie at the desk she said there was a cancellation wi somebody called Cheryl and could she take ma jaicket.

  A young guy showed me tae a chair.

  ‘Cheryl will be with you in a minute. She’s just finishing off with another client. Can ah get you a coffee?’

  ‘Aye, thanks.’

  Cheryl was a round-faced lassie wearin a short skirt and big clumpy boots. Her hair was jet black wi a red streak at the front. She shook ma haund.

  ‘Ah’m Cheryl, nice tae meet you. What are you having done this afternoon?’

  ‘Ah don’t know really. Ah’m a bit fed up and want ah change.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ she said, runnin her haunds through ma hair as if she was weighing it. ‘D’you want tae go shorter?’

  ‘Ah think so.’

  Ma hair’s been cut in a bob for years; it’s quite straight and shiny and a kind of medium brown. She started liftin it up, pullin it away fae ma face.

  ‘You’ve a good bone structure, you’d really suit it a bit spiky, a bit mair movement through it, some layers.’

  She was lookin at ma hair intently as if she was a scientist on the verge of a new discovery. Then she said, ‘How about the colour?’

  ‘Ah usually put a rinse in it masel, brighten it up a bit. Gie it a reddish tone.’

  ‘Permanent?’

  ‘Semi.’

  ‘When did you last dae it?’

  ‘Maybe six weeks ago.’

  ‘Perfect. How d’you fancy something a bit mair adventurous?’

  ‘How d’you mean?’

  ‘Well, a lot of folk are going for brighter shades. Ah could dae a nice base shade, a bit brighter than your natural colour and put a few highlights in – a hot pink would be just you.’

  Ah looked in the mirror. Ah’d no slept properly since ma mammy passed on and ma face looked grey and tired. Ah was dressed in an auld top and denims for clearin the hoose. Ah looked at Cheryl wi her trendy claes and spiky hair. She was probably only five or six year younger than me.

  She smiled. ‘Go for it?’

  ‘Aye. Go for it.’

  Three hours later ah walked oot the hairdressers feelin like a supermodel. Ah walked alang Great Western Road lookin in shop mirrors. Ma hair was all spiked up at the tap, and it looked as if somebody’d painted pink streaks through it. Ma neck felt cauld though; it was much shorter than usual.

  Ah went for a coffee and sat, flickin through the paper, feelin as if everybody was watchin me even though ah knew it was daft – they didnae know ah looked any different fae usual. It was funny though, ah felt like a different person, sat up straighter than usual in ma seat.

  Ah looked at ma watch. Hauf-two. Ah’d no had lunch yet; ah’d need tae get hame, see what Anne Marie was up tae. But ah couldnae bear the thought of just sittin in the hoose the night, all dolled up and naewhere tae go. Ah took oot ma phone and dialled Nikki’s number.

  Anne Marie came oot her room when she heard the door.

  ‘Mammy, ah …’ she stopped.

  ‘It’s OK, say it,’ ah said. ‘Ah know it wis a mad thing tae dae.’

  ‘It’s … nice … suits you.’

  ‘D’you think so?’ Ah looked at masel in the mirror, pullin at the strands. ‘Ah liked it when ah seen it at the hairdressers but noo ah’m hame ah don’t know. Ah mean what am ah supposed tae wear wi sumpn like this? And what is Mr Anderson gonnae say when ah turn up on Monday mornin?’

  ‘Ah don’t think he’ll even notice, Mammy. When ah go up tae get you fae work he looks at me and says, “And what is your name?” and he’s seen me loads a times.’

  ‘Aye but it’s a bit different no rememberin folk’s names and your secretary lookin like a punk.’

  ‘Loads a folk have their hair dyed noo, Mammy. Anyway, he cannae say anythin aboot it. You’ve got rights. We were learnin aboot it in Modern Studies.’

  ‘We’ll see. Anyway it’ll grow oot. Ah can always go back and get them tae tone it doon.’

  ‘Naw, ah think you should keep it like that. It really suits you.’

  ‘Thanks. Listen, Anne Marie, ah’m gaun oot the night.’

  ‘Well, you’ll need tae show aff yer new hairstyle, won’t you?’

  ‘Nikki’s gaun oot for a drink wi some pals and ah said ah’d go alang too. Yer daddy’s comin round. Is that OK?’

  ‘Cool. Ah’ll go round tae the shop and get a video.’

  ‘OK. Don’t be long, ah’ll get the tea on.’

  All the time we were daein it ah felt as if ah was split in two, as if part of me was inside ma body, feelin, and another part of me was somewhere up on the ceilin, watchin. And a good view ah had of the two of us, me kneelin on Nikki’s kitchen flair, skirt up round ma waist, knickers round wan leg, arse bare tae the world, and him fuckin me, balls bouncin against me, his haunds cuppin round ma breists, his face buried in ma neck. And somebody else was was sayin the words that were comin oot ma mouth, ride ride ride, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. No too loud in case they heard next door. And it was like ridin; the rhythm was perfect, like these guys that ride waves on surfboards, hittin just the right spot. Nothin could put us aff, no even when the kitchen door creaked open and a shaft of light hit us fae the hall. A figure stood there – ah think it might of been Alan, heard his sharp intake of breath, then he shut the door quick and went back tae the livin room where the rest of them were.

  And we just kept on, goin for it, till we collapsed on the flair thegether, laughin.

  ‘This flair’s manky … Nikki’s needin tae get a scrubbin brush oot.’

  ‘Ah cannae believe you said that … ah must be lossin ma touch.’

  ‘If that’s you lost yer touch ah’m glad ah didnae get aff wi you when you were on form – ah might of dropped deid.’

  He smiled. ‘You’re no bad yersel.’

  ‘Takes two.’ Ah started tae put on ma knickers and pull ma skirt doon. ‘Ah better go tae the bathroom and get cleaned up.’

  ‘D’you want me tae wait for you here or should ah go intae the livin room?’

  ‘Don’t think it matters. They’re no gonnae believe we were makin toast – Alan must of seen us.’

  ‘Ah know. D’you want tae leave?’

  ‘Naw, ah’d never be able tae face them again. Gie’s a minute – wait here then we’ll go in thegether. OK?’

  * * *

  It was wanny they things you think efterwards must of been meant tae happen, yet it was pure coincidence that David had been part of the crowd, oot for a drink that Saturday night. Later he said that he never seen Derek that often, just happened tae bump intae him that efternoon and was at a loose end. And ah’d just wanted a night oot, a good laugh, chance tae show aff ma new hairstyle and forget aboot things. But when he came intae the pub he made a point of sittin beside me and though we never really had much chance tae talk on wer ain, ah just knew. He was lookin at me, really lookin at me, and ah felt ma face flush.

  He bent closer. ‘Love the hair.’

  ‘Thanks. Just went mad. Let the hairdresser dae what she wanted.’

  ‘It really suits you. You look fantastic.’

  And it was as if, that night, even though we hardly said a word tae each other on wer ain, somehow we were thegether. Ah could feel his leg, warm against mines and smell his aftershave. Efter the pub we’d all went back tae Nikki’s and while she was gettin drinks for everybody in the livin room, he took ma haund and led me intae the kitchen, shut the door and the next minute ah was pushed up against it and the two of us were kissin till we couldnae breathe, and ah still don’t know how
we ended up on the flair or how we seemed tae fit thegether as if we were two haufs of somethin that had been broken apart and had come back thegether again.

  ‘That’s me hame.’

  Ah stuck ma heid round the livin-room door. Anne Marie and Jimmy were sittin on the settee, glued tae the TV, faces sickly-lookin in the hauf light.

  ‘Aye, right.’ Anne Marie glanced round.

  Jimmy never looked fae the screen.

  ‘Want a cup of tea?’

  ‘Aye, please.’

  Ah put the kettle on then went intae the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Ah couldnae unnerstaund how they never noticed anythin different aboot me; ah looked completely different, and no because of the hair. Ma eyes were soft and shiny, and ma skin was glowin. Ah must smell different too. Ah got washed staundin at the sink, washin all the stickiness away, dryin masel wi a soft towel. Then went intae the bedroom, put on clean knickers and pulled on a pair of jeans afore ah went tae finish makin the tea.

  Ah was gonnae say ah’d spilled sumpn on ma skirt and that’s how ah’d got changed but Anne Marie and Jimmy never asked me, never noticed anythin. We just sat there, havin a cuppa tea, watchin the end of the film, then Jimmy left and Anne Marie went tae bed. And ah stayed in the livin room, lookin at the fire.

  Ah couldnae get ma heid round it. Ah’d done sumpn ah’d never imagined in a million year, got aff wi somebody ah hardly knew, had it aff on a kitchen flair, then when ah came hame, the two folk that were supposed tae know me better than anybody else never even noticed, just sat there, watchin the TV. That was another thing, how come me and Jimmy could behave as though nothin had happened? We sit watchin TV wi Anne Marie, just like we had for years, and then at the end of the night he just gets up and goes away. As if it’s normal. Then the image of David and me filled ma mind. Ah could see us on that flair thegether, feel him, smell him. It wasnae the same, no now.

  Ah woke next mornin, in the middle of a dream; no a scary wan, just weird. There was this pool of green water, bright green it was, unnatural lookin, and ah was tryin tae get across. It looked shallow enough but when ah put ma foot doon ah started sinkin then jumped across tae the next bit. As long as ah kept jumpin ah wouldnae fall too far but if ah let masel stop ah knew ah’d go right intae it. And it wasnae like sinkin intae mud, it was cauld and icy. There was somebody waitin for me on the other side, a man; ah think it was Jimmy but it didnae really look like him. When ah woke up ah was still far away fae him and the safety of the other side.

  It was five o’clock in the mornin but ah didnae want tae go back tae sleep in case the dream started again. It wisnae the most frightenin dream ah’d ever had but it was confusin. Usually if ah have a dream it’s dead obvious what it means, but this. Ah leaned back on the pillows, shut ma eyes and the feelin came back tae me; the cauld of the water beneath ma feet, the panic as ah started tae sink and the relief as ah sprung up oot the water, the green castin an eerie light all round the sky and this dark, shadowy figure waitin for me on a rock on the other side. Ah just couldnae figure it oot.

  Ah could feel ma body’s tiredness seepin through, and as the tiredness started tae relax me, ah remembered last night. Warmth, spreadin through the inside of me, a nice soft warmth. Actually ah’d no felt that last night at all, it was all too quick and sharp and desperate the way it happened. We’d nae time tae lie thegether, feel the efterwards. And last night when ah came hame ah was too hyped up, too tired. But noo, lyin in ma bed ah remembered him, started tae imagine whit it would be like for us tae be thegether, take wer time.

  When Jimmy and me stopped daein it at first it was awful; ah felt as if ah was climbin the walls, but then ah accepted it, and ma body seemed tae get used tae it. But last night showed me how much ah’d been missin, no just the closeness, the lovin, but the physical bit.

  Ah still couldnae unnerstaund how it had happened that way. Ah liked David – he was nice – but ah didnae really know him, so how come ah found masel on a flair wi him, couldnae even wait tae we got somewhere private tae dae it? Ah lay still, till the dawn started tae show through the curtains, then fell asleep.

  Next day Nikki phoned. ‘So, what’s all this wi you and David, then?’

  ‘Ah’ll just take it in the other room. The TV’s a bit loud.’ Ah moved the phone intae the bedroom and spoke quietly intae it. ‘Nikki, ah cannae really talk the now – Anne Marie’s here.’

  ‘Does this mean ah’ll need tae wait tae the morra for the gory details? Ah don’t know whit yous were up tae last night but you should of seen Alan’s face when he came back in.’

  ‘Aye, well … how did you get on last night? You looked as if you were gettin on fine wi Alan.’

  ‘Ah don’t know – he’s supposed tae phone me this week. He’s OK. No ma type really. Look, we’ll need tae have a really good blether the morra. D’you think auld Anderson would let us take wer lunch break thegether the morra?’

  ‘Nae chance on a Monday. Mibbe we could go for a quick coffee efter work?’

  ‘Right, see you then. And it better no be too quick – ah want tae know everythin.’

  * * *

  ‘Right – spill the beans.’ Nikki settled doon intae the big leather settee and turned tae face me.

  ‘Ah don’t really have much tae tell you.’

  ‘Aw, c’mon.’

  ‘Naw really. Ah mean we got aff wi each other …’

  ‘You don’t say? C’mon – get tae the nitty gritty.’

  Ah looked at her, no very sure whit she meant. Did she expect me tae gie her a blow-by-blow account? Nikki and me had been workin thegether for a few month and ah liked her but we didnae really know each other that well. Ah wasnae used tae this – it was like bein a teenager again.

  ‘D’you mean?’

  She lifted her coffee and took a sip. ‘Well, ah presume yous werenae washin up in the kitchen.’

  Ah smiled. ‘Cleanin the flair, actually.’

  ‘You dirty wee bisom, you.’ Nikki poked me in the airm wi her finger.

  Ah stirred the coffee, mixin in the froth, then took a sip.

  ‘When are you seein him again?’

  ‘Ah’m gaun round tae his flat on Friday – he mailed me the day.’

  ‘There you go. He’s dead keen on you – you could tell.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Just the way he was lookin at you. He’s gorgeous, you lucky girl.’

  ‘Nikki, can ah ask you a favour?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Ah’d rather you didnae say anythin aboot this just noo. Ah mean, ah don’t know what is gonnae happen, mibbe nothin …’

  ‘Away you go …’

  ‘But, well, wi things the way they are between me and Jimmy, ah don’t really want it tae be public just yet.’

  ‘But yous are separated, aren’t you? Ah mean he went aff tae live in that Centre.’

  ‘Ah know.’

  ‘You’ve got a right tae go oot and enjoy yersel.’

  ‘Ah know, but it’s Anne Marie … ah’m worried it might upset her. If it doesnae come tae anythin it’s no worth her gettin upset aboot it.’

  ‘And if it does?’

  ‘Ah need tae find the right time tae tell her.’

  Anne Marie

  FOR DAYS EFTER ma granny’s funeral ah couldnae get it oot ma heid. ‘Salve Regina’. Roond and roond like an itch that’s unbearable till you scratch it. Ah had tae sing it or it was in ma heid drivin me daft. So ah sang it in the shower and in ma room and sometimes even found masel singin it oot loud when other folk were around. On the Saturday efter the funeral ah was round at Nisha’s, lookin oot her bedroom windae and ah never even realised ah was daein it, then Nisha says, ‘It’s funny, that song has been going through my mind all the time too, ever since you sang it at the funeral. It’s really hauntin.’

  ‘Aye, it’s on ma mind all the time.’

  ‘It’s a beautiful song. Will you teach me it?’

  Ah went through it line by line, and Nisha sang it back. Then we done
it thegether, slowly.

  ‘What does it mean?’

  ‘Hail, holy queen, mother of mercy, hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope.’

  ‘Sounds better in Latin.’

  ‘Aye, it does. Ma granny taught it tae me. She used tae say everythin was better in Latin – in the auld days they used tae say the whole Mass in Latin.’

  ‘Everything was better in the old days according to my mum. Unless it’s out of Marks’s, of course.’

  Nisha started lookin through her CDs. ‘You know, we could dae some nice harmonies on it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘“Salve Regina”. You sing it straight, OK?’

  Ah sang it straight through and Nisha harmonised, repeatin ‘salve’ and ‘regina’ gaun up and doon the scales, tryin it oot different ways. And some bits of it worked and some didnae but when we’d finished we just kind of looked at each other, no sayin anythin.

  Then Nisha spoke. ‘Hey, we just made up a song.’

  ‘Ah guess.’

  ‘Anne Marie, did you see Freeplay last week?’

  ‘Naw, cannae staund thon guy that presents it.’

  ‘Ah know – he’s a complete prat – it’s just, last week they announced this CD competition, and ah’ve been thinkin aboot it all week.’

  ‘You never said.’

  ‘Well, wi your gran and … anyway, ah couldnae really figure out how we would dae it.’

  ‘But what is it?’

  ‘Ah taped it – let’s go through and watch it. He explains it all.’