Broken Glass

by Tabitha Freeman

  I rolled my eyes.

  “This is pointless to even talk about,” I said. “I have six more months here and after that, I’ve got some serious relationship reconstruction to do with my mother. I had my time with love. It’s over, it’s done. I’ve accepted it finally, and you know, it’s okay. It happens. And there are more important things happening right now! Aurelia is dead, Channing is in shock, and with the number of staff on watch in this ward, it’s like we’re in Fort Knox!”

  “Oh, Ava Darton,” Henry shook his head. “You are an idiot.”

  I frowned. Henry had never insulted me before. I was quickly on the defense.

  “Why am I an idiot, Henry?” I hissed at him. “Just because I care enough about Conner to not let him fall into this mess? I’m an idiot for not wanting him to get hurt?”

  “No, you’re an idiot because you won’t just allow yourself to love him,” Henry said. “You don’t have to be a ‘mess’. He’s standing here, probably more than willing to take care of you and you’re just pushing him away for no good reason. Will you never allow yourself to be happy again?”

  I didn’t answer him so he continued, his voice softening slightly.

  “This life can really be a lonely one if you let it.”

  I got up from the bed then.

  “I am meant to be alone,” I said, and left the room.

  22.

  I stayed in my room for the most part that next day, Saturday. I didn’t do a whole lot besides sleep and sift through my Tyson Box. Sometime in the middle of the night, however, I was awakened by a soft knocking on my door. I sat up quickly, not sure if I should be scared, or if this was a dream. I got up from my bed and slowly walked over to the door. I opened it just a crack and was surprised to see Conner standing there.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered, opening the door fully now and practically yanking him into my room. I shut the door quietly and turned to him, my eyes adjusting to the dark. I could hear him giggling.

  “What are you doing here, Conner?” I hissed. “Don’t you realize how much trouble you could get into for being in here? What is it, like, after midnight?”

  “Yeah, it’s 1:30 a.m.,” he whispered in reply. “Say, why don’t you turn on a light or something?”

  “Because it’s lights out after 11:00 p.m.!” I snapped at him. “And plus I look hideous just waking up like this.”

  He was giggling again.

  “Ah, so Ava wants to impress me, is that it?” he asked. I scowled at him, though he couldn’t see it in the darkness. I walked back over to my bed and sat down.

  “What are you doing in here?” I asked him, in a low voice. “And how on earth did you get in the ward?”

  “I must admit, I used my position to my advantage,” he replied and I heard him move towards me. His shadow sat down beside me on the bed. “I am a doctor on internship, after all, you know…”

  “So what are you doing here?” I asked him again.

  “Just came to say Happy New Year,” I could almost hear him smiling as he said this.

  “Happy New Year,” I said to him. “That’s really not worth the risk of getting caught, now is it?”

  “Sure it is,” he replied. “And I brought you a gift as well.”

  “A gift?” I repeated.

  “Yes,” he laughed. “A real, genuine Christmas present. Sorry it’s a bit late.” I felt him put something in my hands then.

  “Well, I’ll have to wait to open it tomorrow when there’s light,” I told him, smiling in spite of myself. “I hope you’re not impatient. You could just tell me what it is.”

  “Nope,” he said. “It’s got to be a surprise! You’ll just have to wait until tomorrow then. Hope you’re not impatient.”

  “Smartass,” I mumbled, setting the present aside. “I can’t believe you risked getting in so much trouble just to give me a gift. Couldn’t you have done it tomorrow in broad daylight?”

  “No,” he sighed. “First of all, it wouldn’t be fair for me to give you something and not everyone else…and trust me, internship salary is slim to none. Can’t afford to play Santa for the whole ward. And I’m not sure how our visits will play out from now on. My mother is quite upset at the, er, relationship we’ve formed.”

  “What’s wrong with being friends?” I asked him quickly. “I thought that’s what Julianne tried to be for us. Why can she do it and you can’t?”

  “Ava…” Conner started to say, but his voice trailed off. I knew what he was thinking. It was more than just a friendship, and we both knew it. But I couldn’t let him say this out loud. It couldn’t happen between us. It just couldn’t.

  “Is there any word on Channing?” I asked abruptly. He sighed again.

  “I actually went to see her today,” he told me. “She’s all right. They’ve released her from the hospital. She’s not saying much…she’s very upset about this whole ordeal. But she sends her best to you.”

  “She really is a wonderful human being,” I said, softly. “A selfish part of me wishes she was still here.”

  “But what about Henry and Shakespeare?” Conner asked. “They’re dear friends to you as well.”

  “My friendship with them is different,” I said. “I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s because Channing’s a female, I don’t know. She knows I’m a mess, but she doesn’t hold it against me. Sometimes I feel like Henry and Shakespeare do.”

  “What do you mean?” Conner questioned.

  “Channing can accept me if it takes a while for me to be perfectly okay again,” I tried to explain. “Or even if I don’t ever get better, Channing would accept that. But Henry and Shakespeare sometimes make me feel like I’m not letting myself get better and that I’m stupid for being that way. And maybe I am, but…after a while of hearing it, it just begins to hurt.”

  “Ava,” Conner said quietly through the darkness. “You don’t think that I judge you, do you?”

  “No,” I replied. “But sometimes I think you want so badly for me to be normal, that you pretend that’s the way it is, when it’s not. I’m not normal, Conner. I don’t think I ever will be again.”

  “What’s wrong with that?” he asked. “Normal is just boring. God, you don’t think I’m ‘normal’, do you?”

  “Well, maybe not completely normal,” I grinned. Then, I became serious, “Conner, I’m sorry if I ever…if I ever gave you any false impressions of…of our…relationship.”

  I could only imagine the look in his eyes in the darkness.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I just hope you don’t think I’m some crazy, silly girl who is greedy for your attention,” I told him. “I understand you’re on an internship here and this is your job.”

  “Are you not greedy for my attention?” he murmured and I felt his breath on my cheek. I let my head drop slightly.

  “You’re meant to have someone brilliant like you,” I whispered. “A doctor, a nurse, a teacher…someone who’s got her act together. Why do you waste your time trying to make me feel something that will just go away and hurt you in the end?” I was surprised when he took my hand in his and put it under his shirt, on his chest. His skin was so warm and his heart was beating so fast, it was as if he’d just run a marathon.

  “Do you feel that, Ava?” He whispered. “Every time I am around you, my heart practically flies out of my chest. And as many times as I’ve tried to make it stop, it won’t go away. And it does hurt…but it is rightly so, and it would hurt even more if it ever did stop.”

  My hand was trembling as I pulled it from under his shirt. I took his hand in mine then and placed it above my own heart, which was doing the same thing as his.

  “You scare me to death,” I breathed, and a tear rolled down my cheek.

  “But, why, sweetheart?” he asked. “Why do I scare you?”

  “Because I can tell you things I could never tell him,” I began to cry softly. “And it’s wrong. I’m not supposed to let anyone else in ever
again.”

  “Why?” he pressed, taking both my hands in his and holding them tightly.

  “I gave him everything,” I whispered, tearfully. “Every part of my heart, my soul, my being. And he died. He left me here, alone. I have nothing left to give. If I give everything away again, it’ll just be taken away like before…and I couldn’t survive it a second time.”

  He took my hands and put them to his lips. He began to spread light kisses on my palms, my fingertips.

  “If I have the strength to sit here for months,” he murmured, almost painfully. “Falling more and more hopelessly in love with you every single day, while you’re still madly in love with a ghost, then you can have that same kind of strength to move on from this.”

  The tears were pouring from my eyes now. He dropped my hands and gently cupped my face in his palms, pulling my lips to his. Never before had there been so much said in just a kiss. His mouth moved desperately over mine and my hands clutched frantically through his head of dark curls, as if one of us would disappear any second. He pulled away suddenly, catching his breath and resting his forehead on mine. I could literally hear the blood pumping from my heart in my ears. He wrapped his arms around me.

  “Ava,” he whispered in a sigh. “I love you.”

  “Why?” I found myself whispering back to him. “Why do you love me?”

  “Everything,” he replied. “Everything about you just makes perfect sense to me. And since you have come so unexpectedly into my life, I cannot imagine how it would be without you in it every day. I will not imagine it.”

  Was it possible to feel so strongly, so deeply about someone in just a few months? Surely this would fade away. Surely there would come a day when Conner would grow tired of me and all the baggage I came with.

  “Don’t let me go,” I whispered, snuggling further into his arms. He held me tighter.

  “I won’t,” he promised. Somehow, through the emotional exhaustion of it all, the two of us fell asleep quickly, and awoke to the sunlight peeking through the high window of my room. I was the first to wake up, looking over at Conner’s peaceful sleeping face as I lay in his arms. I couldn’t help but smile. I hadn’t felt truly happy in such a long time.

  “Good morning,” I whispered in his ear. His eyes slowly fluttered open and he looked at me. A smile played at the corner of his mouth, but he didn’t say anything.

  But the dreamy part of waking up in his arms dissolved quickly when there was a knock on my door. I sat up, my breath catching in my throat. Conner sat up, too, as I practically leapt off the bed.

  “Oh, my God!” I hissed, as I helplessly watched the door open.

  “Good mornin’, Miss Ava!” It was Josephine. Her eyes immediately fell on Conner, who was standing up, trying to look awake as possible.

  “Good morning to you, Josephine,” Conner said, brightly. “I started my rounds early this morning! What a treat to see you here so early!”

  “Just workin’ the early shift, baby,” she was still smiling, but there was something in her eyes I’d never seen before.

  “Well, it’s on to the next patient,” Conner spoke, a little too loudly. “You lovely ladies have a wonderful day!” And he was gone. I turned back to Josephine, not knowing what to say.

  “Shower time, Miss Ava,” she said simply and held the door open for me as I gathered my shower things. I knew my face had to be crimson as I walked past her. Would she say anything? My stomach churned at the thought.

  I didn’t see Conner for the rest of the day, however, as soon as I got back to my room, I opened the prettily wrapped package he’d given to me.

  It was a brand new set of drawing paper, bright pencils, and even water colors. There was also a note that read,

  Start drawing more stuff in color. For me. -C.W.

  I smiled and was surprised when a lump formed in my throat. He’d told me he loved me. He loved me.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin when there was a loud knock on my door. It opened slowly and my mouth literally fell open.

  “Mama?” I whispered, standing up. She smiled as she entered my room, letting the door close behind her. I couldn’t contain myself. I burst into tears and ran to her, throwing my arms around her neck and almost knocking her over. But she stood steady and wrapped her arms around me as well, holding me tightly to her. I cried so hard, and she started sobbing, too.

  We must’ve stood there, holding each other and sobbing uncontrollably, for what seemed like hours. When we finally let each other go and stepped away, I couldn’t help but stare at my mother. I hadn’t seen her in months. I knew it’d been my own fault that caused her absence, but now I realized, as she stood before me, how much I’d actually missed her.

  “I don’t hold anything against you,” I blurted out. She smiled slightly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

  “I know, Ava,” she replied. “I know.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” I said, trying not to tear up again. “I love you so much, Mom. I never ever meant to say the things I said and I’m so sorry if I hurt you…I know I hurt you. And I’ve missed you so much!”

  “I know,” she said again. “It’s okay. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Ava. Sorry I’m slightly belated.”

  I smiled and went over to my bed, quickly smoothing the blankets.

  “Come sit down,” I told her, sitting down myself. She looked around the room and came over to sit down beside me.

  “How are you?” I asked her. “How’s work?”

  “It’s fine,” she laughed. “It’s all the same. Nothing has changed since you left, believe it or not. Well, except the house is a little lonely, with me all by myself. But you know, that Jake Roberts boy comes by to visit sometimes.”

  “Really?” I asked her, surprised by this. “Why?”

  “Just to keep a lonely old lady company, I suppose,” she replied. “Oh, Ava, he’s a nice boy. Just as lost and alone as you. He worries about you. Asks about you a lot. He can’t wait ‘til you come home.”

  “Well, he’s got a while to wait,” I said, a little hint of sadness in my voice. “I think I might be getting better, though, Mom. And I’m not just saying that.”

  “Even with that girl who killed herself this past Friday?” my mom asked me, frowning.

  “How’d you know about that?” I asked her.

  “Julianne called me yesterday,” she told me. “I think she notified every patient emergency contact she could get a hold of. Such a tragedy. Are you all right?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “I wasn’t really close to the girl that died…in fact, I didn’t much like her. But it is sad. And I’m really confused as to how and why it happened.”

  “Julianne seemed very upset about the whole ordeal,” my mom said. “But she also told me that you have been dramatically improving and that she wanted to have a meeting tomorrow afternoon.”

  “What?” I asked, my mouth dropping open again. “She hasn’t said anything like that to me!”

  “Well, I guess it’s a pleasant surprise then, isn’t it?” My mom smiled.

  “I wonder why she wants you to come up here,” I mumbled. “Maybe she just wants to talk to us both about how I’m improving. I still wish she’d said something to me…”

  “Ava, honey, what are you muttering about?” my mother laughed.

  “Nothing,” I shook my head. “Oh, Mom, I’m so glad you’re here.”

  For the next couple of hours, we just talked. It was as if we weren’t sitting in my room in a mental institution. It was as if nothing in our lives had ever changed for the worst, and here we were, mother and daughter, together again.

  When it was time for her to leave, my eyes began welling up with tears for what felt like the millionth time. I didn’t want to be apart from her anymore. I needed my mom. I needed the feeling of normalcy in my life again. And waiting another six months for it seemed impossible.

  “Ava, baby, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she murmured into my hair as she hugged me go
odbye. “I would’ve brought you a Christmas present, but I wasn’t sure what they’d allow. I’ll have to save it for when you come home.”

  Thinking of how long away ‘coming home’ was made me want to cry even harder. But I swallowed it back and just smiled.

  “See you tomorrow, Mom,” was all I said and she left.

  “Your mom was here earlier,” Henry said, as he, Shakespeare, and I ate our Sunday dinner. I nodded and smiled.

  “Yeah, she was,” I replied. “It was so great to see her.”

  “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” Shakespeare asked me.

  “Yeah,” I told him. “I’m glad she came. I felt awful for pushing her away.”

  “You don’t look like her,” Henry pointed out. “I saw her fully for the first time today.”

  “I look just like my dad,” I told him. “I wish you guys could’ve met him. He was a really good person.”

  “How old were you when he died?” Henry asked me. “Pretty young, I remember you telling me.”

  “Seven,” I answered. “Just enough time to fall in love with him, but not even close to enough time to truly know him.”

  “Your mom seems like she got through it okay,” Henry pointed out. “Does that make you believe you’ll be okay, too?”

  I looked up at him then, smiling slightly.

  “Today, yes,” I sighed. “But tomorrow, who knows? Seeing her makes me feel hopeful.”

  “Aw, Ava, I think you’ve been hopeful more than just today,” Shakespeare spoke up. “There’s been hope in your eyes, your smile, even in the way you walk, for the last few weeks. I think I know what’s responsible for the change…and I hope you hold onto it.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again,” I replied, quietly, pushing the food around my plate with my fork. “I think he got in trouble the other night. I’m sure he did.”

  “Ava, if he wants to see you, he’ll find a way,” Shakespeare assured me. “I know I would.”

  I blushed at this.