“I know. I was there, baby,” was his reply. He didn’t look at me. He was still gazing out the side window so that all I saw was the back of his head.
“You were?” I asked, surprised, not looking over at him anymore. Instead, I was trying to focus on the road in front of me.
“Of course I was,” he said. “I told you I’d never leave you, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but under the circumstances, you aren’t really here,” I replied, quietly.
“You don’t understand yet, Ava,” was all he said. “You don’t know.”
And then he was gone.
“Tyson!” I exclaimed, frantically. “Come back! What don’t I understand? Tyson!” Nothing. It was all quiet again. Horrible normalcy.
“Damn it!” I cried, hot tears welling up in my eyes.
He didn’t show up again for the next two nights. I would sit up in my bed, begging aloud for him to come back so that I could talk to him…so that I could just see him.
After being home for eleven days, Mom came home from work with some horrible news.
“Your therapist, Julianne,” she said, walking into the living room, while I sat on the couch in my pajamas. “Her husband died last night.”
“Wh-what?” I asked, totally taken aback by this. “How is that possible?”
“He had stage four cancer,” my mother told me. “They didn’t know. He developed pneumonia over the weekend and died. Your old nurse, Josephine, called me this afternoon and told me.”
“How terrible!” I exclaimed, and a numb feeling set inside of me. Finally, I was able to see his face in my mind.
Conner.
25.
That night, Tyson appeared. It was a funny thing…I knew he was there, yet I did not turn around to look at him. It was almost as if I could see him standing by the window in my room without actually using my eyes.
“Isn’t it sad about Conner’s dad?” I whispered.
“Yes,” Tyson replied. “The moon is full tonight, Ava. Not a cloud in the sky. Do you still have the telescope I gave you?”
“In my closet,” I answered, turning around now. “I haven’t used it since…” I didn’t finish.
“I’m really dead, you know,” he said then. “But it happens. It happened to me sooner than expected, but there’s a reason for everything, Ava. Remember that.”
“The funeral is in two days for Conner’s dad,” I said quietly. “Should I go?”
“Do you want to?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Then I think you should go.”
“Will you come with me?”
“I’ll be there.”
A few hours later, he was back. I was sound asleep, and then suddenly, I awoke with him looming over me. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Not quite human, not quite dead…glowing in the moonlight, his eyes brighter than they had ever been in life. He reached out, as if to touch me, and I felt a sudden coolness against my cheek.
“What do you wish for now, Tyson?” I found myself asking him.
“Only to touch you again,” he replied, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shooting star through my open window. My gaze met his then, and there was the shooting star in his eyes. It went from the top of his eye to the bottom, and I watched transfixed, as the star turned into a glistening tear and rolled down his cheek.
Then he was gone.
On the morning of the funeral, I put on a black dress and clipped my hair back in a loose ponytail. The dress was baggy on me now, as were all my clothes, but it was all I had.
“Your hair is longer than I remember,” Tyson said when he showed up in my room as I was getting ready.
“Yeah, I look a little different since I’ve come out of Craneville,” I told him. “My boobs aren’t as big, Tyson. Sorry about that.”
“It wasn’t your boobs I was in love with,” he said with a smile. “And anyway, however you look, it’s all gravy to me.”
For the first time since I had come home, a genuine grin spread across my face.
I went to the funeral alone. Mom had offered to come along, but I told her I preferred to do this on my own. It was a beautiful day, and I stood next to a huge oak tree towards the back of the cemetery, far behind everyone. I was out of place here, so staying hidden was the best thing for me to do.
“Nice service.”
I turned and saw Tyson standing there, in a black suit and pink tie.
“Well look at you,” I whispered. “Don’t you look spiffy?”
“Yeah, I wore this to your prom, remember?” he said. “The pink tie is a classic, yes?”
“Definitely,” I replied, then noticing that he was wearing the same old blue converses. I laughed. Classic Tyson. I looked around now, as everyone began to scatter. It was over. Everyone was leaving and the family was walking around, shaking the hands of the people that had come.
“I need to get out of here before someone sees me,” I said.
“Isn’t that why you came?” Tyson asked me. “Don’t you want Conner to see you?”
“I don’t know…” I said, frowning. “What if he doesn’t want me here?”
“Why wouldn’t he?” Tyson asked. “You know how much he cares about you. In fact, he’s been looking around the whole time to see if you came.”
“How do you know that?”
Tyson just smiled.
“I have my connections, baby,” he replied. “I’ll see you later.”
And he was gone.
I was hesitating on whether or not to make a mad dash for it, but before I could do a thing, Conner saw me. He raised his hand in a wave and walked towards me.
“Hey,” I said, deliberately not looking at him when he’d stopped in front of me.
“Hello,” he said, his voice gentle. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Really?” I asked, gaining the courage to let my eyes look upon his face. “Why is that?”
“Well, you just disappeared on me, Ava,” he replied, those green eyes locking with mine.
“Y-you weren’t around,” I stuttered. My hands were shaking now and I quickly tried to hide them behind my back. “I thought your mother would tell you…I-I thought you would come to me…”
“She didn’t tell me until you were gone,” he said. “And then all this with Dad…”
“I’m so sorry about your dad,” I murmured, reaching out and touching his hand. The warmth of his hand against mine was enough to make me shiver.
“Thank you, Ava,” he said, solemnly, turning my hand so that he could hold it in his. Had he noticed that my hand was trembling uncontrollably?
We were both quiet for a moment.
“It means a lot that you came,” he said, just as I was saying,
“I should probably go.”
“Really?” I asked him. He smiled slightly.
“Of course,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I was hoping you’d come. I’ve been meaning to get your address, but with Dad being sick, I hadn’t had the chance. My heart broke a little when I went to your room and you were gone. I was so angry at my mother for not telling me sooner…for not giving me the chance to…” His voice faded.
“To say goodbye?” I finished for him. A surprised look crossed his face.
“Goodbye?” he puzzled. “Did you…I mean, is that what…is that what you wanted me to do?”
I couldn’t lie to him. The last thing in the world I would ever want is to have to say goodbye to Conner.
“You shouldn’t be mad at your mother,” I said instead, ignoring his question entirely. “She had every right to worry about you hanging around a nutcase.”
Conner smiled. His smile was so kind, even in such a sad time.
“How’ve you been since leaving Craneville?” he asked me. “I know it’s only been thirteen days, but…”
“You’ve been counting the days?” I asked him, surprised. He flushed slightly.
“It’s enough to make a man crazy being away from the woman he l
oves,” Conner murmured, leaning his face in closer to mine. I couldn’t breathe.
“I’ve never seen you in regular clothes,” he commented, his warm breath on my cheek. “You look good.”
I looked up at him and our noses touched. It was a tender moment, as he reached his hand up to stroke my cheek. The world around us began to dissolve.
But that moment ended abruptly, for Julianne came up to us then. Her eyes were puffy, her face was splotchy and red…she was a widow now, suffering the loss of the man she loved. I knew her pain.
Conner stepped away from me as Julianne put her arms around my neck.
“Thank you for coming,” she said, quickly ending the hug and taking Conner’s arm. She tugged at it and practically began to drag him away.
“I’ll…see you,” was all he said, and they were gone. I stood there by that oak tree, watching everyone leave.
I was alone.
“He’s not me.”
I didn’t turn around.
“I know,” I whispered. “I know that.”
“But he’s not bad, Ava,” Tyson said. “Not bad at all.”
That night, I locked myself in my room and took out Tyson’s box, along with what I’d acquired while at Craneville.
I set the old letters from Tyson next to the drawings I’d done with Conner around.
I didn’t really know what I was doing, exactly. I wasn’t sure why I was going through all this stuff. Was I trying to compare Tyson to Conner? I knew I wasn’t, but it sure seemed that way.
“Tyson, am I really crazy?” I whispered aloud.
“No,” he answered back. I looked up. He was sitting on my bed.
“You’re beginning to understand,” he told me, smiling.
“Understand what?” I asked him, frustrated. “Tyson, I don’t get it! What is it that I don’t know?”
He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.
“Fine,” I said, throwing down one of his letters. “Fine. Be that way.” Tyson laughed.
“You’re so cute when you’re grumbling like that,” he said. I tried to suppress a smile and failed.
“Tyson, why couldn’t I have been in that car with you?” I asked him suddenly, my voice softer, sadder.
“That’s what you don’t understand, baby,” he said, and suddenly, he was sitting on the floor in front of me. “You’re living in the past…in memories that are in but a single moment. You’re walking backwards in shoes that don’t fit.”
“I love how you talk in riddles,” I said to him dryly.
“You’re alive, Ava,” he said. “Look around you. Feel your skin, gulp the air, taste the sweetness on your lips. It’s not time for you to write your last song yet.”
“And he disappears again,” I mumbled aloud as I now stared at the empty air in front of me. But I thought hard about what he’d said.
26.
I drove in the El Camino to Craneville the next week. It was a beautiful Friday afternoon and I was unsure of the exact reason as to why I was going back to that place. I wanted to see Henry and Shakespeare, obviously, and to ask them if they’d seen or heard from Channing. To see Julianne maybe…to patch things up between us. Despite the outcome of the situation and the deliberate distance she had put between us, she’d been more than just a therapist to me—she’d also been my friend.
Tyson didn’t show up on the ride with me. In fact, I hadn’t seen him at all that week.
When I walked in, I was immediately almost deafened by Nurse Josephine’s excited squeals. She threw her arms around me and hugged me tight.
“Baby girl Ava!” she said, smiling widely as she pulled away and looked at me. “Look at you all stylin’ in jeans and a t-shirt!”
“It’s good to see you, Josephine,” I laughed. “How are things? How are Henry and Shakespeare?”
“Wonderful, but missin’ you, darlin’,” she was still beaming. “Our li’l Grace Kelley up and gone, we don’t know what to do with ourselves ‘round here!”
“I miss you all,” I admitted to her. “Um, I actually was hoping to see Julianne…is she here?”
“I don’t know, baby, I haven’t seen her all morning,” Josephine replied. “But you can go knock on her door and check.”
“Okay, thanks,” I smiled.
Julianne’s door was open, so I slowly walked in.
“Julianne?” I spoke up, and my eye caught movement from the far side of the room. I was surprised to see Conner putting a gallon of chocolate milk in the mini-fridge. My heart did a little leap and I couldn’t breathe for a second.
He looked over at me and smiled.
“Ava,” he said. “This is certainly a surprise.” His eyes weren’t sad like they had been the last time I’d seen him at the funeral. There was some other kind of emotion in them now…that same kind of emotion that was throwing my heart all out of rhythm.
“Yeah, I was hoping to catch your mom,” I said, awkwardly. “Uh, is she here?”
“You just missed her,” Conner informed me. “She actually won’t be back until Tuesday.”
“Oh,” I said. “Um, okay, well, thanks anyway. See you.” I turned to leave.
“Hey, wait a minute,” Conner said suddenly. I turned back around.
“Yeah?”
“I…” he started, but he looked as if he was at a loss for words. “If you…I mean, I…” He was verbally fumbling helplessly now.
“Conner, seriously,” I said then. “You don’t have to—”
“I was just wondering if you’d like to join me for lunch,” he broke in, grinning broadly. “I would really enjoy the company.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“That’d be…sure,” I replied.
“Great,” he said. “Let me just lock up Mum’s office and we’ll go. Is Luna’s all right with you?”
I winced. Luna’s. Tyson. Loads of memories.
“Um, how about Rock’s Diner instead?” I suggested. Conner knew. His eyes were slightly wider with embarrassment.
“That sounds great,” he replied.
“I’ll just meet you over there, ok?” I told him. “I’ve gotta go say hey to Henry and Shakespeare.”
“All right.” He was grinning from ear to ear.
It’d only been two weeks since I’d seen Henry and Shakespeare, but it seemed like two years. They were in the leisure room when I stepped out of Julianne’s office. Shakespeare looked up just as I was walking over to them and practically flew out of his seat. He all but tackled me before I could even get within six feet of them.
“Shake!” I let out a loud laugh. “I can’t breathe!”
“What are you doing here?” Henry was up now, too, rushing over.
“Just stopped by for a visit,” I smiled at them.
“Ava, you look so good,” Shakespeare grinned. “Who knew you could fill out a pair of jeans?”
They both laughed and I blushed slightly.
“Shut up,” I replied. “I can’t stay long today. I just wanted to stop in and say hello. Have you talked to Channing?”
“She came by just yesterday actually,” Henry said. “I told her you left, and she got your address from Josephine.”
“How is she?” I asked. Henry shrugged.
“Still a little shaken up,” Henry said. “Her brother disappeared last week. Left a note about how he was too depressed about Aurelia to stick around.”
“Oh no,” I frowned. “Poor Channing. I wish something good could happen to her.”
“She’s got you for a friend,” Shakespeare said, smiling slightly. “That’s a great thing.”
I hugged them both then.
“I miss you guys,” I murmured. “I’ll try to come back soon, stay longer.”
“What’re you in such a rush for anyway?” Henry asked me. I blushed again.
“Lunch with Conner,” I admitted. “It’s no big deal. Just catching up…”
They both were nodding skeptically.
“Oh shut up!” I exclaimed, a
nd they both started laughing. “I’ll see you later!”
On the drive over to Rock’s Diner, I was surprised when Tyson appeared in the passenger seat.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I commented, glancing at him.
“Yep,” he replied. “You didn’t tell Henry or Shakespeare about seeing me.”
“I’m not sure how to tell them something like that, Tyson,” I replied, in a soft voice. “They’ve got enough to deal with.”
“What are you doing, Ava?” he asked me.
“Having lunch with Conner,” I replied, quietly. I was afraid he’d be mad.
“It’s nothing special,” I added quickly. “Just lunch. Just a one-time thing. I’m just being nice—”
“Ava, quit rambling,” Tyson said, with a crooked smile and a wink. “Just have a good time. And remember what I told you.”
“Tyson, can I ask you something?” I said suddenly. He waited.
“Why aren’t you in Heaven?” I whispered, glancing over at him again. “Why—” But he was gone before I could finish.
Needless to say, I walked into the diner very rattled. Conner could tell immediately, as I sat down across from him in the booth.
“What is it, Ava?” he asked. “Are you all right, love?”
“Yes,” I said, managing a short laugh. “I’m fine.” I picked up a menu and pretended to read it. Conner placed one of his hands on one of mine. I lay the menu back down on the table.
“Where do you think we go when we die?” I whispered, my bottom lip quivering. A look of sadness passed through his eyes.
“I don’t know, Ava,” he replied. “There’s really no telling, is there? Many people believe many different things.”
“What do you believe?” I asked him. He didn’t answer right away.
“Well,” he finally said, thoughtfully. “I believe in a Heaven…but I don’t necessarily believe that you go right to Heaven when you die.”
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