“Where do you think we go?”
“I’m not sure, really. Maybe a sort of limbo. Somewhere we must stay until we take care of ‘unfinished business’…something we were meant to do on earth and didn’t. Fulfilling our purpose.”
“So, if you die young, it’ll be a while before you get to Heaven?” I concluded, my eyes welling up with tears of hopelessness. Conner just looked at me for a moment.
“Ava, I’m not God,” Conner said. “It’s only what I believe, all right? It doesn’t mean that’s what happens. None of us will ever truly know until we die.”
“Do you believe in ghosts, Conner?” I asked him then. “In spirits? Lost souls?”
“Ava, what is this really about?” Conner asked, staring hard at me.
“If I tell you something, you have to promise not to think I’m crazy,” I said, lowering my voice. He smiled.
“I promise I won’t think you’re crazy,” he replied. The waitress came then, interrupting our drama, took our orders, and then went away.
“All right, Ava, what is it?” Conner asked. I took a deep breath and told him, as calmly as possible, about Tyson’s ghost. I told him everything. About how Tyson had started showing up right after I’d left Craneville and about how Jake saw him, too. After I was finished, all was silent between us.
“Will you say something?!” I exclaimed finally, sighing. “I knew you’d think I was friggin’ nuts!”
“Ava, I don’t think you’re nuts,” Conner said, his eyes meeting mine. “I-I really don’t know what to think.” He took my hands in his and gave them a reassuring squeeze.
“But I’m glad you told me,” he said, softly. Two tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Me, too,” I said, and I began to cry silently.
We were in that diner for two hours. Not much was said. I tried to stifle my tears, but I was unsuccessful. Conner had no consoling words, but just a sympathetic touch of his hand on mine.
He finally suggested that we get out of that place and go somewhere else—anywhere else. When he asked me where I wanted to go, at first I wasn’t sure. Then there was a distant whisper in my ear.
“Constantine County Dam,” Tyson told me. “Go.”
So we went. Conner followed me in his car up to Constantine, since he didn’t really know his way around. Tyson showed up on the way.
“Why am I taking him up here, Ty?” I demanded, glancing over at the passenger seat.
“Why not, Ava?” was his reply.
“Because it’s our place!” I said, huffily. “It’s where you first kissed me, remember, Tyson?”
“Of course I remember,” he said calmly. “But why do you want to hide it? Are you going to stay away from that place forever just because I’m gone?”
“God, Tyson, why are you doing this to me?”
“It’s not just about you, Ava,” Tyson’s voice was soft now, and I felt a cold chill on my hand. “I can’t move on until you do.”
And then he was gone.
27.
“Tyson kissed me up here for the first time when we were seventeen,” I told Conner, breaking a half hour’s silence. We were sitting on the cement bridge at the top of the dam. Conner glanced up at me from a twig he’d broken into twenty-something pieces.
“Is that why you brought me up here?” he asked, sighing. “So that you could tell me that?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, looking down.
“Well, I’ve got to go,” he said, getting to his feet. He managed a stressed smile. “Thanks for having lunch with me, Ava. It was…nice.”
I looked up at him, frowning.
“I’m sorry, Conner,” I said. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing about him.”
“No, I—” he began, but then, something in his face changed and his eyes became a bright green.
“You know what?” he said, sitting back down in front of me. “I am tired of it, Ava. I’ve been really good about not saying anything, but I can’t do it anymore. It isn’t fair. I know you loved Tyson, okay? I know, I know, I know. And I know that a huge chunk of you died with him. And you know what, Ava, it’s okay to be in love with him forever. It’s okay. But you’ve got to move on with your life. You are still alive and Tyson is dead. You cannot live your life by the blueprint of a memory.”
“I know,” I whispered, avoiding his eyes as a warm tear rolled down my cheek.
“Ava, look at me,” his voice was gentle. He put his hand under my chin to lift my face so that I was looking at him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, more tears beginning to cascade down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I can’t—” I choked on my words.
“Ava, Tyson isn’t in Heaven,” Conner said. “I believe you when you say you see his ghost…remember what I said about ‘unfinished business’? About not being able to move on after you die until you’ve taken care of what you need to take care of on earth? Well, you’re his unfinished business, Ava. He can’t leave this limbo he’s in until you are born again into this new world God has given to you.”
“I-I don’t know h-how,” I stammered through my tears. “I can’t…I don’t h-have the st-strength. I thought I did, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Don’t say that,” Conner said firmly, putting his fingers to my lips. “I don’t know how many times it will take for me to tell you how hopelessly I am in love with you, but here I am telling you again. I am hopelessly in love with you, Ava Darton, and being away from you for these last two weeks has been devastating. I won’t stand for a happy medium, though…not anymore. Either I’m with you every day, taking care of you, falling even more hopelessly in love with you…or I’m gone. I can’t wait on you forever, it drives me mad—it’ll surely put me in Craneville.”
I surprised myself when I laughed at this.
“Conner, you…” I started to say, but I found my voice fading as his eyes met mine.
“My heart has been breaking every minute since I met you,” he whispered, his eyes becoming a little misty. “All I want is to love you…to take care of you—” His voice broke suddenly and he looked away from me.
“Conner,” I murmured, taking my hand and putting his to his cheek so that I could turn his head towards me. His hands were on either sides of my face then, and he pulled my lips to his.
This was different than when he’d kissed me before. I felt all of the love he had to offer me and every single crack I’d put in his heart over the past few months.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, when he had pulled away. He just looked at me intently, his eyes searching mine. He was confused. So was I. How would we do this?
But for the first time since Tyson had died, I was at a calm. Even if confusion was what I felt, at least I was feeling something.
“I’ve gotta go, Conner,” I said abruptly, standing up.
“But—” he began. I smiled at him.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?” I assured him. “I just have to…I have to go take care of something.”
I waited for Tyson for the next two days. I was surprised that he hadn’t shown up that very night after I’d left Conner. But I knew he’d come if I were patient. And I would wait as long as I had to.
It was 11:47 p.m. two nights later when he appeared. I was sitting at my desk in my room, writing in my journal.
I knew it without even turning around that he was there.
“Tyson,” I whispered aloud, looking up from my paper and letting the pen in my hand fall to the desk.
“Do you love him?”
I turned around. There he was. I smiled. He was wearing what he had worn on the night we’d first met each other. Blue jeans, the poofy, dark green coat, and those beat-up, blue Converse shoes. His eyes were the brightest blue I’d ever seen them. I stood up and walked towards him.
“Tyson, I do love him,” I replied, quietly. “Not like I loved you. But I…I do love him.”
Tyson nodded, looked around the room thoughtfully, his hands stuck in his jean pockets.
“He’s a good guy, Ava,” Tyson said, then, a serious look on his face. “I wanted this for you.”
“Did you?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“The only dream I had that was worth anything was that you would be happy for the rest of your life,” Tyson told me. “Now I can rest in peace, knowing that he’ll take care of you like you deserve.”
“I’ll never love him like I love you, Tyson,” I whispered, my bottom lip quivering. “I’ll never stop loving you like I do…Conner knows that.”
Tyson smiled slightly and took a step closer to me.
“You can’t escape love, not even after you die,” he said. “Oh, Ava. If only you knew how much I love you.”
“Tell me,” I whispered.
He reached out and his hand was against my cheek. I shivered violently at his chilly touch, but nonetheless, it was as if he was there in the flesh. His skin was real against mine. I put my hand on his and held it there.
“I can’t stay, Ava,” he said, smiling. “I gotta go. I have a gig tonight…apparently, I’m to be the best bassist in Heaven. Well, Jimmy Hendrix seems to think so, anyway.”
“I knew you would be,” I said, trying to swallow that all-too-familiar lump in my throat. He gazed at me for a second, and I became lost in those blue, blue eyes for the last time.
“Goodbye, babe,” he said then, still smiling, and now, there was no sadness in his face. “I’ll save you a seat in the front row, okay? For when you come home to me.”
“Will you wait that long?”
“I’ve got time.”
“Oh, Tyson!” I cried then, and he leaned forward. I closed my eyes and felt his lips on mine. I don’t know if it was real, or if it was just me wanting it to happen so badly that I imagined it. But I felt those lips, not cold like his hand had been. It was just like all our kisses before.
“It’s all gravy, baby,” he murmured, pulling away from me then and stepping back. He turned away and walked towards my bedroom window.
“Tyson!” I called suddenly. “T-tell me how much you love me. Please, I just need to hear.”
“Infinity plus one,” he replied. “God gave me the best gift he could ever give anyone, y’know?”
“What’s that?” I whispered.
“He gave me infinity to love you,” Tyson replied, smiling.
And then he was gone.
28.
I went to Craneville the next morning. Not to see Henry, or Shakespeare, or even Julianne. There was only one person in the world I wanted to see. Only one.
I walked into Craneville, gave a brief hello to Nurse Josephine and I immediately saw him out the window, walking along the trail with Julianne and a few patients.
I practically ran out the door and across the dead grass to get to him.
“Conner!” I called, in an almost panicked voice. He, along with Julianne and the patients, froze in their tracks and looked over. I halted in place about twelve feet away from him, but I could still see the happy in his green eyes.
“Ava?” he was surprised to see me. He looked so wonderful, his curly hair windblown, his face animated with a million different emotions. Tyson had said he wanted this for me and now I realized something—I wanted this for me.
“I love you,” I blurted out, and I had complete tunnel vision then. “And I’ve been so stupid, dragging you along since I met you. I knew how I felt about you early on and I was too afraid to let myself show you that. You deserve the best in the world, Conner. A-and I think I can give you that if you’ll give me a chance. You gave me an ultimatum up on the dam…either all or nothing. And so I’m here, laying it all out on the line for you—I’ll give you all; I’ll give you every damn thing I have left, though it may not be much. I-I never thought I could be okay in this world again, but you…you never stopped telling me that I could.
“And you said that it was devastating for you to be away from me…well, you’re not the only one. Y-you make my heart beat entirely too fast, and I can’t eat and I can’t sleep and I don’t want to be even halfway sane for anyone else.”
I paused for a moment before continuing in a less rambling tone of voice,
“The thing is, I more than just love you. I’ve fallen so in love with you, that I’ve lost all control of my heart and soul. I am so in love with you that I let him go. I let him go.”
Everyone was staring at me. Julianne’s mouth was open in shock.
Conner’s eyes were filled with tears as he walked to me and took my face in his hands.
“You let him go?” he whispered. I nodded, and my eyes were filling up with tears now, too. Conner kissed me, hard on the mouth and I clung to him, temporarily forgetting we weren’t alone until Julianne cleared her throat.
“S-sorry,” I said, pulling away from Conner and looking at her.
She was beside us now and had the darkest look on her face.
“Julianne,” I said to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way. It’s the last thing I ever expected. But you were my friend before. You believed in me. I’m still that person you wanted to get better.”
“You’re not good for my son,” Julianne’s voice quivered slightly. “He’s got so much going for him. He’s never been in love. The last thing he needs is his heart broken.”
“Mum,” Conner spoke up, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Your heart is the one that is broken. You can’t wish that on me. It’s not fair.”
She blinked fast, tears coming.
“You don’t know how it feels,” she whispered. “You don’t know how it feels to love something so much and it’s just ripped away from you.”
“But I do,” I said and she looked over at me. “You preached one thing on me, Julianne—hope. Where is your hope? I found mine in your son, your hospital, your patients. Let me help you find your hope, like you so wanted for me to find mine.”
She didn’t reply, but the dark look was gone from her face now.
“I would never hurt him,” I promised her. “Not just because I love him, but because hurting him would hurt you and I would never do that to you, Julianne. I would never hurt you.”
The tears suddenly spilled out of her, and she was nodding.
“I’m so sorry, Ava,” she cried, putting her hands to her face. “Excuse me.” She walked back inside quickly. I looked on after her, worried.
“She’ll be all right,” Conner murmured in my ear. I turned to him. “And so will you. And so will I.”
I nodded and smiled slightly.
“Your patients are now officially in freak out mode,” I pointed. He turned around and all four of the patients were staring at us wide-eyed. Conner laughed loudly.
“I guess I should get back to work,” he said.
“All right,” I replied.
“Er, may I come to your house later?” He asked me suddenly. “To meet your mother?”
“What?” I was surprised by his question.
“Well, seeing as my mother has seen you through hell and back, it’s only fair I at least have a cup of tea with your mother,” he grinned, his dimples deep in his cheeks. I giggled.
“Sure,” I said. “She’d love that.”
29.
A surprise was awaiting me when I got home that afternoon. I walked in the house and there sat my mother at the kitchen table—chatting with Channing.
“Channing!” I exclaimed, running over to her and throwing my arms around her neck. “What are you doing here?”
“Came to see you!” She beamed. She looked wonderful. Her dark hair was cut short, with a thick pink streak in the front.
“What’s this?” I asked her, touching the pink strand lightly.
“An ode to Aurelia,” she laughed. “Gosh, Ava, look at you! You look so non-crazy now!”
“Thanks!” I laughed, too.
“I’ll give you two a minute,” my mom smiled, standing up from her chair. “It was wonderful to meet you, Channing. I hope I’ll be seeing more of you.”
/> “Definitely, Ms. Darton,” Channing smiled. After my mom had left the room, I became more solemn.
“I heard about your brother,” I said. “I’m so sorry, Chan.”
“He needed to leave,” she sighed, as we sat down at the table. “Turns out it was his fault that Aurelia killed herself.”
“What!” I was shocked.
“Yeah, he came to see her, gave her the rope,” Channing told me. “He told her the only way they could be together was in death—like Romeo and Juliet or something. So she killed herself and he didn’t. He just didn’t want to deal with her anymore. When he told me, I was so upset. Like I could’ve done something to stop Sam, you know? So I told him to leave and never come back or I would tell the cops. He was gone the next morning and left that dumb note for our parents about being so devastated about Aurelia.”
“Wow,” was all I could say. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” she shrugged. “But I couldn’t have stopped it. I’ve made peace with what happened…it’s one day at a time.”
“Are you still living with your parents?” I asked her.
“Yeah, but now I’m just looking for a place of my own,” she said. “I got a job at Luna’s restaurant and I mean, I’m making pretty good in tips, so…”
“Channing, that’s awesome!” I smiled. “I need to get back into college myself.”
“Ava, you just got back home!” she said. “Take a breather, jeez!”
“Yeah, it’s almost as nuts here as it was in Craneville,” I replied.
“Tell me about Conner,” she said then. “What’s the deal? All I know is…well, pretty much exaggerated nothing from Henry and Shakespeare.”
“I love him,” I told her. “A-and we’re gonna try this thing…to be together, you know. We’ll see.”
“What about Tyson Andrews?” she asked.
“I let him go,” I murmured. “He’s finally where he belongs.” I told her everything. All about falling in love with Conner, all about Tyson’s ghost, everything. I was exhausted by the time I’d finished. Channing’s response to all this was a surprise to me.
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