Intoxicated

by Stacey McCoy

  I pull up to the shed next to the house. I know he ties his dogs up under the tree at the rear of the shed and I always open the bags of food and pour them into the storage container for him.

  “Hello girly. You got some tucker for me.” Mr Lockwood yells out as he stands on his veranda.

  “Hi Mr Lockwood. Not for you, but I’ve got some for Boss. And the others”

  “Oh well, that’ll have to do then. Don’t mind me while I starve to death.”

  It’s always the same conversation with the same 1950’s agenda attached. He expects me to bring him food because I’m a woman and women from his day didn’t do much more than feed their men and have their babies.

  I know it’s just a joke so I never take offence to what Mr Lockwood says. He is a sweet old man really. He just gets lonely. He likes any company that comes along and he’ll talk for hours just to keep you there longer.

  “There you go Mr Lockwood, all done.”

  “Thank you very much girly. You make an old man happy.”

  “You’re welcome Mr Lockwood.”

  Just then my phone beeps and vibrates in my pocket.

  “You gotta get that?” he asks.

  For eighty nine there’s nothing wrong with his hearing.

  I take my phone out of my pocket as I apologise to Mr Lockwood for the interruption.

  It’s Jake.

  “You better get going then there young lady. Looks like another man needs your attention more than I do.”

  “Sorry Mr Lockwood.”

  “I know love when I see it girly and you’ve got it written all over your face.”

  Clearly I haven’t noticed the goofy look I have acquired.

  I don’t know what to say in response and it turns out I don’t have to say anything as Mr Lockwood has already turned his back and started to make his way back inside his house.

  I read the message. It simply says, “Missing you.”

  I text back, “I miss you too.”

  I jump back in the ute and have my work finished by one.

  I head home and make myself a light lunch, read a little, then before the kids get home from school, hit the gym I had built in the back yard. It’s not a huge gym. It’s more like a small shed with equipment in it. I had the front wall made into sliding glass bi-fold doors so I can see if anyone is coming in the driveway while I’m in there. I have an exercise bike, treadmill, weights and boxing bag all set up in front of floor to ceiling mirrors. The walls are insulated and I have two ceiling fans on the roof. There’s enough floor space for at least seven people to stretch comfortably in, as long as the doors are open that is. The girls sometimes come over and we all do a work out together then jump in the pool afterwards. The gym was probably an unnecessary expense, but I like to keep in shape as best I can for my age and I think because I work out regularly, I feel younger than my years.

  The rest of the week seems to pass by in much the same way. I work. The kids have school while I write secret text messages to Jake.

  Then suddenly it’s Sunday. The day I’ve been dreading for nearly a year.

  Today is the first anniversary of Sam’s death.

  I don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve woken up feeling majorly guilty about my time spent with Jake the previous weekend and all of the attention I’ve been giving him this last week. I seem to have come to accept my relationship with Jake and I know I said I wanted it to work, but today…today I miss Sam. I miss my husband.

  The phone rings. Reluctantly I grab it off my bedside table. It’s Simone and to my surprise it’s nine in the morning already. I answer the call, my heart heavy with grief.

  “Hi.”

  Simone is hesitant. I know my friend well enough to know that she’s trying to read my mood through the phone line. “Hi yourself. How are you this morning babe?”

  “Shithouse actually. How are you?”

  “Johnno and I are on our way, so jump in the shower we’ll be there in ten.”

  “Yeah whatever.” I hang up.

  I don’t want to speak to anyone. I don’t want to deal with anything. Why can’t everyone just leave me to wallow alone in my bed? I know Simone and Johnno care and I know they probably think I won’t be able to handle looking after the kids today, but I can.

  I get up, shower, dress and make my way out to the kitchen. The kids are propped up on the couch in front of the telly.

  “Morning all. How did you two sleep?” I say flatly.

  “Morning mum. Good thanks. Hey Mum can we have pancakes for breakfast?”

  “How about I make my special choc-chip pancakes.”

  “Uncle Johnno!” The kids jump up from the couch to greet Simone and Johnno as they walk in the back door, answering the kids before I can.

  “I can do it.” I don’t want to, but I snap my response at them anyway.

  “I’m sure you can, but why don’t you let Johnno do it just this once.”

  Ah Simone. My voice of reasoning, but today her words grate me.

  “Okay fine.” I can hear myself. I can hear my mood exhaling from my mouth, but it’s hard to stop it. “Well, what am I supposed to do then?” I sound like a spoilt little five year old as I notice that my hands are planted firmly on my hips.

  Simone approaches me with caution. “Why don’t I make us a coffee and we can chill out by the pool while the kids have brekkie.”

  “Yeah whatever.”

  I walk over to the kettle, pop it on, pull three mugs out from the drawer then walk outside to sit down on the edge of the pool with my legs in the water. I can feel everyone watching me as they wait for me to crack.

  “Wanna talk?” ask my dearest friend as she sits beside me, two coffee mugs in hand.

  “No.”

  “Okay.”

  Once brekkie has been eaten, the kids put on their brand new outfits aunty Josie had bought them for Daddy’s special day. We jump in the car and head to the cemetery. I sit in the back with my kids either side of me. I need to stay strong. I need to keep it together in front of them. They know I’m sad about Sam’s death, but I took it pretty hard in those first few months and I’m afraid my children will always remember me as the basket-case who breaks every time anything about their father is mentioned.

  We haven’t been to Sam’s grave site since we buried him. I suppose I never really wanted to believe it was real, that he was really gone. I’m not looking forward to seeing his headstone.

  Ash and Aiden have often asked, “Why haven’t we been to see Daddy, Mum?”

  I simply reply, “Because if you close your eyes real tight, you will be able to see him anytime you like.”

  Then I remind them by asking them the same question every time, “Where is Daddy?” They answer together, “In our hearts and in our minds.”

  Suddenly I have a weird desire to see Sam’s grave. I don’t understand why, but there is a need, today of all days. Today seems to be significant. I’ve been telling myself that other people are mad for thinking today means more than any other day without Sam, but now it’s here, it means more to me too.

  Johnno pulls up on the curb on the side of the road in front of the cemetery. We need to walk a little way toward the back of the grounds. Sam was buried under a big shady gum tree. It’s a sugar gum. He’d hate that. He always said they were messy trees. They drop their limbs all the time, but I wanted to make sure he had a nice resting place and this was the best spot in the whole cemetery.

  There it is.

  Suddenly it’s right in front of me. Sam is looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes and youthful smile. He was 35 when he died, but he had one of those everlasting and now eternal baby faces. My knees start to shake. Ashley and Aiden place flowers beside his headstone and give his picture a kiss. I’m really struggling to hold myself up. Johnno places a supportive arm around my waist. He knows I’m about to fall.

  Simone asks the kids if they want to say anything to their father before we play him his favourite song.

  “I
want to tell dad that I got some new Lego and that we went to McDonalds with aunty Josie and we saw a movie too. Oh and that the hay is looking good so far this year.”

  Aiden, my little farmer. He stands tall next to his father’s grave. The sight of him, a small version of Sam, is ripping me apart inside.

  “Good,” says Simone.

  “That’s great Aiden. I’m sure Daddy heard you tell him that,” I tell my son.

  Aiden smiles up at me. He’s proud his daddy heard him.

  Then Ashley steps forward and begins to talk to Sam in her bubbly voice. “Hi Daddy, how are you? I hope it’s nice in heaven. I can’t wait to see you again.”

  I have to turn away to wipe the tears that are starting to fall. Johnno is also struggling, but he remains my leaning post as I lean against him. Simone stands beside Aiden as Ashley continues to speak.

  “I can’t come and see you soon though because I need to be here with Mum and Aiden, but I would like one of your super-duper chocolate milks when I get there please, but don’t make it now because it will be off before I get there.” She steps back away from the grave and ask me if I would like to say anything.

  “No that’s okay sweetie, I won’t say anything today.”

  I can barely look at my children. I’m scared if I do, I will fall apart and I won’t be able to be put back together again.

  Ashley comes up beside me and grasps my hand. “It’s okay to be sad Mummy. Daddy knows you’re sad.”

  I turn to look into Sam’s eyes which are embedded in my daughter’s beautiful face. All I can do is drop to my knees and hug her. Possibly a little too tightly.

  “You know what baby girl, maybe I will say something to Daddy, but I’m going to need uncle Johnno and aunty Sim to take you home now. Would that be okay?”

  “Yep, okay mum.”

  Ashley takes Johnno’s hand with one hand and Aiden’s in the other. Simone gives me a look and I tell her with my eyes, I’ll be okay, just give me some time.

  I watch them walk back to the car and buckle the kids in safely. Then I turn back to my husband.

  I kneel on the ground before him and using my phone I begin to play his favourite song. It’s not a very appropriate song to play in a cemetery, but it was his favourite. The words of the song are about a pub with no beer. The boys used to play it on the juke box every Friday night when the publican would call last drinks. They had always had a skin full by then, but were always convinced they could drink more.

  I collapse to the ground as I hear the car pull away. I let myself cave and give into my overwhelming grief.

  I begin to cry and I’m certain the tears coming from my eyes will never stop falling.

  Suddenly I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder. I know instinctively that it’s Johnno. He’s stayed back to support me. He kneels beside me and we hug as we both cry like never before.

  All I can say, as I dampen Johnno’s shoulder with my tears, is that I loved Sam so much and I hate the person who took him away from us. I hate that she heard his last words, not me. I know it’s not a fair thing to say. I know it was no one’s fault, but I want to lash out. I want to hit someone. I want to scream. My emotions so raw I stand and scream at the top of my lungs. It really feels good to scream. Just to stand there and scream till it hurts.

  Johnno stands beside me, waits till I’ve finished, then he screams too. I look at him and to be honest I’m a little surprised. He has never revealed such a high level of emotion like this to me before. He screams again and again and again. Then he collapses on the ground and sobs uncontrollably. Now it’s my turn to comfort him. I kneel beside my friend and tell him it’s alright as I rub his back.

  It takes a while, but eventually we both stop crying long enough to be able to talk to each other.

  “He was my best friend Kat and now the bastard’s gone. It’s not right. This shouldn’t have happened to all of us, especially you and the kids. You didn’t deserve this. You two deserved to be happy for the rest of your lives.”

  “I know. I tell myself every day that it’s not fair... bottom line is, nothing’s going to change. He’s gone and we’re stuck here trying to work out a way to deal with it all.”

  “Well, we can start by getting really bloody drunk,” Johnno says as he stands and searches his pocket for a handkerchief.

  I laugh. “You know what Johnno, that’s the best bloody idea you’ve come up with so far today.”

  I get to my feet and look at him. He struggles to hold his head up. His screaming has completely drained him.

  “Um Johnno, how do you suppose we get home?”

  Simone has driven off with the kids in the car and left us here, which is exactly what I wanted to begin with, but in my haste to get rid of the kid’s before I completely lost it, I hadn’t thought about how I was going to get back home.

  “It’s okay. I told Simone to drive down the road for ten minutes then drive back to get us. She shouldn’t be too far away.”

  I wrap my arms around Johnno’s waist and hold him tight. “Thank you…for everything.”

  “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and the kids. You know I promised Sam I would protect you.”

  “When did you say that?”

  “On your wedding day. Although at the time I never thought I would ever really have too.”

  “You’re doing a damn good job of it mate. You’ll never know truly how much we appreciate you two.”

  Just then Simone pulls up. The kids are yelling out through the windows for us to hurry up. Apparently aunty Sim has promised us all ice-cream. We start to walk back to the car. I stop to look back at my husband’s grave.

  “He’s really gone isn’t he?”

  “Yeah, he is.”

  And it all feels so final, but I also feel so much relief.

  Chapter FIFTEEN

  As the day goes on more and more people arrive at my home. My two sisters in law turn up with their husbands and children.

  Sam’s sister Karen and her husband Peter have three children, Zoe 14, Braxton 12 and Rose 11. Sam’s other sister Amanda and her husband Robert only have the one child David, who is 8. My mother and father in law are next to arrive. Maggie and Ken must have visited Sam’s grave on their way here. They both have red eyes.

  All of the girls are here, including Maddy whose husband and children have unfortunately succumbed to the same bad cold she was suffering from the week before. I tell her to go home and take care of them.

  “But I want to be here for you and the kids Kat,” she says.

  “I know sweetie and I love you for it, but as you can see there are plenty of people here to help look after us and no-one is at your home looking after Ben and the kids.”

  She’s reluctant to leave. We haven’t seen a lot of each other lately, but none of us are planning on going anywhere, there will be time to catch up once everyone is well again.

  “Maddie, if there’s one thing I know it’s that you need to spend as much time with your loved ones as you possibly can. None of us know just how long we’ve got, so please go home. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

  With a sigh and a heavy heart my friend leaves and heads home to her unwell family. They’ll all be right again in a few days and we can catch up properly then.

  My sister and Beth arrive with our mum and dad.

  Johnno has the BBQ on and everyone seems to have brought some food to share. There’s plenty to eat.

  It’s weird sitting here talking to everyone. We’re all avoiding the topic of the day, well until Ashley and Aiden walk out the backdoor and stand in the middle of everyone and announce that they have a poem they would like to read. My father, Frank, pipes up and asks his grandchildren what the poem is about?

  “It’s about daddy of course,” says Ashley.

  She doesn’t seem to notice that everyone has turned to stone. Aiden being more intuitive takes a step back as if he has done something wrong to cause such a reaction. I assure him it’s okay, we’d all love to he
ar their poem.

  Ashley and Aiden take turns at reading their lines:

  “Our Daddy is so wonderful, our Daddy is the best.”

  “Our Daddy is in heaven, we wish our Daddy a good rest.”

  “We miss our Daddy’s cuddles. We miss his warm hugs.”

  “We miss him smelling like sheep. We miss squishing him while he sleeps.”

  “We love our Daddy. We always will. We know he is watching us.”

  “So we will be good for mummy and give her lots of hugs.”

  There is nothing but silence. Ashley and Aiden look at me and wait for my reaction. I try not to cry as I bend down and open my arms wide for them. They run to me at full force.

  “That was beautiful kids. Daddy would be so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”

  I can feel their smiles against my cheeks as I listen to people sniffing around me. As I stand, everyone begins to clap and congratulate the kids on a job well done. It takes courage after all to stand in front of a large group of people and speak the way they did, even if they are people they know well.

  Johnno has ditched his post at the BBQ. Simone is also missing. My dad has taken over the manly duty of cooking the meat as I too retreat inside to my bedroom so I can take a moment to gather myself together again. The kids’ poem has ripped me apart emotionally. As I lie on my bed I check my mobile phone. There’s a message from Jake. It reads, “Thinking of you.”

  Reading it makes me cry even more. I wish he were here now. I could use his strong arms wrapped around me holding my body and emotions in place.

  I hear the door open. It’s Alex. “Oh honey. Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine thank you.”

  She lies down behind me and cuddles me in the way I wish Jake could.

  “Don’t get too comfortable love, I’m not as easy as Jake you know.”

  Alex makes me laugh. She guarantees to put a smile on my face every time I see her.

  “What would it take to make you stay the night with me?” I ask.