by Stacey McCoy
Jake is completely naked now and heads straight for my bedroom. Luckily he left his wallet and phone in there earlier. I gather his clothes, throw them in the wash and set the machine. I usually set the machine of a night to help save on solar power, so I’m confident it won’t wake the kids from their deep sleep. I hope Jake’s bought a change of clothes with him because they won’t dry overnight.
I find Jake in the shower enjoying the warmth of the water as he washes the muddy dam water out of his hair. Now he looks completely desirable. I quickly strip my clothes off and jump in behind him as he rinses his hair. He jumps ten feet in the air. Clearly not expecting company and still on edge from his late night swim to save a dog.
I begin to laugh again. “Sorry Jake I can’t help it. You’ve got to admit though, it’s bloody funny.”
“Yeah it’s funny.”
“You sound like a five year old Jake.”
“Well shit Kat, I mean the guy is practically your best friend and it’s obvious he doesn’t like me. He threw me in the dam!”
“He didn’t throw you in the dam Jake. If he had done that then yes he wouldn’t like you, but the fact that he went to all this trouble to prank you means the complete opposite.”
“Jesus are you serious?”
“Yeah. The more effort you put into a prank the more you like and respect that person. I guess it does sound pretty dumb when you say it out loud, but that’s the way it is out here.”
“He really likes me?”
“Yes Jake. I reckon you two could become close friends actually. You’re similar in a lot of ways.”
Jake surrounds me with his arms and quietly accepts my reasoning of the night’s events. We finish showering, dry off and climb into bed. I love having someone to share my bed with again. This is the way life’s supposed to be.
We lay on our sides in the warmth of my queen sized bed as we look into each other’s eyes.
“You know Jake, a lot of people have mentioned lately that it’s time for me to move on. I get the feeling that a lot of people want me to be happy. I feel like everyone is giving me the green light to move forward with my life.”
“Is that what you want Kat? I mean after all it’s your life. You are the only one who really knows if the time is right or not. You don’t need to have anyone’s approval. Well that’s my opinion anyway.”
Jake is throwing my own past doubts right back at me, I think in an attempt to make me realise that I have no more doubts about us and our new relationship we’re embarking on.
“Yeah I know. But it certainly will make my future a lot easier if I know everyone will accept you into our lives...Do you still want to be in our lives Jake?”
“Hell yes. You know that Kat.”
“You haven’t even met the kids yet. How can you make such a huge decision so easily before you even meet them?”
“Well from what I heard through the bedroom door earlier your kids sound great. I could tell just how wonderful they are and how much they love you.”
“Jake you are so wonderful. If you’ll accept the job of being my boyfriend, then you can have it.”
“Wow. Don’t I have to sit through some sort of interview process first?”
I hit Jake on the arm. I know he’s teasing me. “I think your interview process started last weekend in the city actually and you passed with flying colours.”
“So, I’m your boyfriend now?”
“Yep.”
“So, that makes you my girlfriend.”
“Yep.”
Jake and I link our free hands together between our bodies. We’re lost in each other’s eyes as happiness consumes us as we accept the new titles we have for each other.
“So do you want to come back to the city with me in a couple of weeks’ time to meet my sister Veronica and her family, and my brother Matt?”
“Yeah of course, that would be great.”
“Matt and I are organising a surprise wedding anniversary party for Veronica and Troy. It’s their tenth. Matt and I figured we should do something for them because they’ve done a lot for us over the years.”
“Sounds great, count me in.” I sigh a heavy sigh as I roll onto my back. “I just hope the kids love you as much as I do now.”
The air grows thick as we both realise that I’ve just blurted out the big L word. I don’t know whether I should retract my statement, stupid idea, or whether I should roll over and pretend to instantly fall asleep, even stupider idea, or confess my love for Jake. Option three sounds like the best choice to take.
Jake moves up onto one elbow and strokes the side of my face with his fingertips, forcing me to look at him.
“Kat, did you just say that you love me?”
I try to cover my face with my hands, but Jake won’t let me. He moves on top of me and pins my hands to the side of my head.
“Kat. Did you just say you love me?”
His need for my response is asked with a higher level of anticipation this time. I look up into the beautiful blue eyes I’ve come to know so well and confess my true feelings to the man I love.
“Yes Jake, I do. I love you.”
Jake releases my hands and jumps up onto his knees, straddling me he starts to jump up and down while I lay beneath him. He bites one of his hands to suppress his vocal joy as his fist pumps the air with the other. Jake calms down and lays back down on top of me, warming me with his body heat. He looks deep into my eyes as if searching for any trace of doubt. I assume he finds none as he starts to kiss me with a fever that I hope will never end. After a moment or three Jake breaks the seal he has over my mouth.
“Katherine.”
“Yes Jake.”
“I love you too, with all my heart. I will promise to love you and only you for the rest of my days.”
I wasn’t expecting this moment to make me cry, but tears are once again streaming from my eyes. I’m blanketed with feelings of happiness, but also fear. I don’t know what I would do if I suddenly lost my light, again.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The next morning we wake to the sound of the alarm again. The snooze button was made for a reason so I use it and enjoy an extra ten minutes of snuggling into Jake’s perfectly sculptured body. I’ve woken with a sense of pure delight as I recall my confession to Jake the night before. Jake’s response was exactly what I hoped it would be. I don’t know why I continued to doubt his feelings for me, even if it was only in the slightest of margins, but now, now that those three little words have been spoken from both of our lips and sealed with a richly spiritual and physical expression of love, every one of my doubts has been completely banished.
I love Jake and he loves me. As long as we have my kids’ blessings there is nothing that can break our bond.
Eventually we separate, if only temporarily, and dress for the day. Jake did have a change of clothes with him. I hadn’t noticed he’d grabbed a bag out of his car when he came home dripping wet the night before. He didn’t want to leave his bag lying at the backdoor like he did his boots, for the kids to possibly find, so he retrieved it through the night.
As we brush our teeth, I can’t help but stare at this gorgeous man who stands behind me holding me tight in one arm while brushing his teeth with the other.
I didn’t even hear the bedroom door open and therefore am completely shocked to see Aiden standing in the ensuite doorway watching us. The look of horror on my son’s face as he observes Jake standing behind me is now tattooed permanently into my brain.
Aiden runs out of the room screaming to Ashley that there’s a strange man in the house and he’s got mummy. I’m not surprised by his reaction. He hasn’t met Jake yet therefore he doesn’t realise we’re friends; well actually more than friends.
I run out of the room after Aiden. I swallow a mouthful of toothpaste on the way and find Aiden in Ashley’s arms.
Aiden is crying and screaming, “There’s a man in mummy’s bathroom.”
Ashley doesn’t seem to believe him a
s she tries to comfort her little brother.
“Aiden, please let me explain.” I beg as I walk toward him.
“Why is there a man in your bathroom mummy?” He’s screaming at me.
His terrified voice stops me before I can get within arm’s reach of him. My poor little man is so upset. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
“I’m sorry kids. I was going to introduce you to Jake after school. He’s a friend of mine.”
I want to plead for Aiden’s forgiveness. He looks mortified. Actually they both looked shocked now, but it’s not me they are looking at. Jake is standing behind me. Thankfully he has a t-shirt on now.
“Mummy who is that?” asks Ashley as she holds her brother tighter.
“This is my friend Jake. It’s okay he’s a friend he won’t hurt you and he wasn’t hurting me Aiden.”
Jake comes and stands beside me. I’m holding my breath waiting for my kids’ reactions to explode to the surface. Aiden’s fear turns into anger as he rushes toward Jake and me. I kneel down and grab him by the shoulders as he lunges toward the two of us.
“Aiden it’s okay. I’m sorry we scared you, but Jake is my friend. I should have spoken to the two of you about him sooner. I’m sorry.”
“Is he trying to be like Daddy now?” Aiden spits his words at me.
I realise now that what he saw in my bathroom wasn’t his interpretation of an attack, but a sign of affection which he relates to his memories of Sam and me.
Jake kneels on one knee and begins to try and explain his actions to Aiden. “No mate, I will never try to be like your dad, but I would like to be your friend and I too am sorry I scared you.”
Jake holds out his hand for Aiden to shake. Aiden looks at Jake like he’s something vile. Suddenly Aiden pulls his right arm back and before I have a chance to act on what I know is about to happen, it’s too late. Aiden punches Jake right in the jaw. Jake falls back, although I’m sure his balance would have been steady enough to have taken a hit from a seven year old boy.
“Aiden no! You don’t hit people. Not ever. No matter how angry you are.”
Aiden hasn’t moved from his stance. He stands over Jake and looks down on him. I notice his little hand trembling from the pain of the punch, but he won’t let any other emotion, but anger show on his face.
Jake rises back up onto one knee and says “Did that make you feel better mate?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Do it again.”
“What! No Aiden you are not going to hit Jake again.”
Jake turns to me and says, “It’s ok Kat I can take it. I think it might be good for Aiden to let off some steam.”
“You’re not my dad. You don’t know what’s good for me.”
Aiden hits Jake again. Jake throws his head to the side as the punch connects. Jake looks at Aiden as he waits for another one. Aiden’s fury turns into a level of anger I have never seen from him before. He lets his rage vent through his fist as he punches into Jake again and again and again.
“Aiden that’s enough.” I can’t stand it any longer. Aiden cries hysterically as he runs to his room to hide.
“Christ Jake are you okay?” I ask Jake as we rise to our feet.
Ashley turns and heads for Aiden’s room.
“Yeah I’m okay. He’s got a good right hook for a young bloke.”
Jake rubs the side of his face that took the brunt of Aiden’s breakdown.
“I’ll get an icepack for you.”
I’m shaken from the onslaught I’ve just witnessed from my son as I head toward the freezer.
“Honestly Kat I’m fine. I think you better go talk to Aiden though and I think I better go.”
“No Jake, please don’t go. Give me some time with Aiden then we can all sit down and talk about this.”
My emotions are shattered as I forget about the icepack and head towards Aiden’s room.
Aiden bursts out of his room before I reach for the door handle. He starts to scream again. His anger has not subsided.
“Get out!”
“Excuse me. I’m your mother; you can’t tell me to get out of our house.”
“Not you. Him! Get out and don’t ever come back. You’re not my daddy!”
Jake puts his hands up and surrenders, “Okay mate, I’m going. Once you’ve had a chat to your mum and calmed down a little maybe I can come back and we can hang out together.”
Jake’s attempt to reconcile with Aiden after such an outburst is admirable, but unfortunately too premature. Aiden’s anger is still so raw. He needs time to process all of this. The last thing he needs to hear from Jake right now is an offer of truce.
“You get out of our house and don’t ever come back.”
I’m holding Aiden back as he stands in the hallway and I wonder if he will ever be able to accept Jake into our lives. Obviously not yet, maybe never. There’s only one thing I can do now.
“Jake I’m sorry, but I think its best that you go.”
I don’t want him to, but I have to do what’s best for Aiden.
“Yeah okay, I’ll go.”
Jake comes toward me to give me a kiss goodbye.
Aiden just screams so I hold my hand up to stop Jake before he can get close enough.
Jake, clearly upset, says, “Right. Okay then. I’ll call you later?”
I find myself unable to speak.
“Well then, you call me when you can.”
The hope in his voice is evident.
“She’s not going to call you ever again. You’re not Daddy!”
Bloody hell, my poor heartbroken little boy thinks that I would try to replace his father behind his back. I fall to my knees, open my arms so I can begin to try and comfort my son as I engulf him. I never wanted to hurt him, or Ash, and now I have.
Aiden mourned the death of his father much like the rest of us, but this, this pain and anger at the thought of him having a new father that isn’t Sam, is hurting him deeply. I need to put my children’s feelings before mine. I shouldn’t have been so selfish and now I will pay the price
“I’m sorry Jake, you need to go…I don’t think we can see each other anymore.”
Jake protests. “But Kat!”
I hold Aiden tight, desperately wanting his forgiveness, as he cries into my shoulder. I use his body to shield my face from Jake’s in an effort to hide my pain, but as hard as it is, I force myself to look at Jake. He needs to see that no matter how much I know this will hurt the both of us, I fear I have no choice. My decision is final.
“Goodbye Jake.”
I see Jake’s body react to my words. His body buckles as if I’ve just stabbed him in his centre. He too realises that our relationship can’t go on. My decision to keep Jake a secret from my children has been the worst decision I have ever made and now we’re all hurting because of it.
How could I’ve been so stupid? How could I possibly let my feelings for a man come before any consideration for my children’s feelings?
Jake doesn’t say anything. He just leaves.
I carry Aiden to his room. We lie on his bed his little eyes desperately want to give in to sleep. His angelic face puffy and red from crying.
We talk a little as we comfort one another. Just before he nods off he tells me he misses his Daddy and wants him back. If I could do that one thing for my children I would, but I can’t. I can’t bring back the man they love and now I can’t be with the man I love because it will hurt them even more.
As I lay beside my son and watch him sleep I make a promise to myself that I will never put my needs before my children’s. I will never again hurt them the way that I have this morning.
I leave Aiden lying on his bed and slowly drag myself out to the kitchen to make a coffee. Ashley is sitting at the dining table. She has made herself breakfast and is dressed and ready for school.
“Sweetheart I’m so sorry about all of this. Are you okay?” I approach her carefully as I sit down beside her.
“Yeah I’
m okay. Aiden will be okay mum, he just misses Daddy.”
“I know sweetie. We all do. Are you angry with me too?”
“No. Not really.”
“How are you feeling about all this then? It’s okay, you can tell me.”
“I’m okay. I’m sad Aiden is angry at your friend. He looked like a nice man.”
“Yeah he is.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I repeat this mantra in my mind over and over again.
“Mum?”
“Yes darling.”
“Can I have a lunch order today?”
“Yes darling.”
“Yay. Thanks Mum.”
And just like that, my carefree little girl seems fine as she heads off to brush her teeth before boarding the bus to school.
I walk Ashley out to the end of the driveway and tell the bus driver that Aiden isn’t feeling well today and he won’t be going to school. Back inside I call work to tell Murray I’m not well and I won’t be in. Then I call the school and repeat my lie.
I pray that in my bedroom I will be able to hide from my broken heart which I fear is left smashed on the floor where I was kneeling when I said goodbye to Jake. Instead, I’m faced with a bed that has sheets and blankets thrown back across it from both sides. A sure sign that two people were once wrapped tightly together in its warm, cotton folds. I break down and cry until there are no more tears.
What have I done? I hate myself for bringing such pain onto my children and myself. I hate myself for giving in so freely to Jake’s love. I hate that I love him so much that to say goodbye to him is hurting me as much as it is right now.
Simone suddenly bursts into my bedroom and is on her knees beside me helping me up onto the bed, repeatedly asking me what’s wrong.
I tell her everything. She doesn’t speak, she just listens, and holds me as I cry more.
“Sim I’ve really fucked up this time. You should’ve seen the hate in Aiden’s eyes. Hate I caused him to have.”