Intoxicated

by Stacey McCoy

  We have an easy tea of macaroni and cheese before heading off to bed. Tomorrow is just another day I tell myself.

  ***

  As I wake to greet yet another lonely day, and it’s a Sunday, my brain registers a male’s voice coming from the kitchen.

  “Jake!”

  Jumping out of bed I grab my robe and pop it on as I run out the bedroom door. Luckily I have it wrapped around me securely when I find Johnno standing at my kitchen sink.

  “Wow Kat. Do you always run out in the morning and greet people looking like that?”

  “Oh Johnno, it’s only you.”

  I sit heavily down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen bench and greet my children.

  “Yeah just me. Sorry who were you expecting?”

  I bow my head as Johnno realises who I possibly might have wanted to have in my kitchen other than him.

  “Oh sorry.”

  “Why are you here so early on a Sunday anyway?” I say as I try to sound chipper in front of the kids.

  “Well I thought I might take the kids ferreting so you could have an easy morning at home.”

  “Yay,” the kids yell in unison then run to their rooms to change.

  “Thanks Johnno, but I’d rather have the distraction if you know what I mean. I’ll go mad with too much time to myself to think.”

  “Then hit the gym, or get out in the garden. Do something productive with your time.”

  “Yeah right. I suppose. Thanks Johnno. I’m going to hit the shower then I’ll pack you guys a lunch to take with you.”

  “It’s already done Kat. You go and enjoy your time out. I’ll bring the kids home later.”

  “Okay. Thanks mate.”

  “Anytime.”

  I hit the shower and when I come back out into the kitchen, everyone has gone. I hate the silence, so I crank up my iPod and start to clean the house.

  An hour later I’ve managed to achieve quite a lot. I’ve washed, vacuumed and stripped the beds of their sheets and re-made them. I purposely leave my sheets till last. I can still smell Jake’s aroma on the pillow case. It’s faint, but it’s there. I inhale his scent one last time then throw the sheets into the machine. Setting the ironing board up in front of the telly I flick through my DVD collection to select a movie to watch while I iron. I come across Dirty Dancing and I can’t help but torture myself. The title alone acts like an aphrodisiac to me. Leaving the ironing where it is, I sit down on the couch and watch Patrick Swayze come to life on my flat screen TV.

  The movie is nearly finished when Johnno and the kids arrive back home. Johnno walks in first. Franticly I wipe my tears from my eyes. My actions seem to remind Johnno of the one and only instruction Simone gave him as he walked out his backdoor earlier in the day.

  “Shit. I forgot to tell you to promise me that you wouldn’t watch any soppy movies?”

  The kids stand back. I can see they are wondering why I’m crying.

  “Sorry Johnno. I didn’t know you’d be back so soon.”

  “And I didn’t know you’d spend your time beating yourself up.”

  “I’m not. I’m not. I just love this movie so much you know.”

  Ashley seems happy with my explanation and heads off to her room. Aiden remains where he stands.

  “Yeah Kat. I know,” says Johnno.

  And he does. I can see in his eyes that he knows that Jake and I watched this movie in my suite when we were in the city. Simone must have told him every detail of our weekend away. It’s sweet really.

  “Well anyway Kat, while you’re settled in on the couch, Aiden has something he would like to say to you.”

  Johnno nudges Aiden toward me.

  “Come here my big man. Come and sit with me.”

  Aiden sits beside me on the couch.

  “What is it you want to say darling?”

  “Mum?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you really like that man?”

  “Why are you asking me this again Aiden?”

  “Well I’ve been thinking and I talked to uncle Johnno about him.”

  “Jake you mean?”

  “Yeah him. I want to know does he make you happy like when you were happy with Dad.”

  “Yeah I suppose he does. But you and Ashley make me happy too.”

  “I know, but I think that’s different. Uncle Johnno was telling us about different types of love and I think you loved Dad different to the way you love me and Ash.”

  “Yeah I guess that’s true.”

  “So do you love Jake the way you loved Daddy?”

  “Yeah I guess you could say that.”

  Aiden takes his time to think about what he’s going to say next.

  “Well then, Ash and me want you to be happy like the way you were with Daddy.”

  “What do you mean Aiden? What are you trying to say?”

  “I mean we want you happy again Mum. We don’t like you being sad and I reckon you got sad when I told Jake to leave just like when you were sad after Daddy died.”

  My heart is in my throat as I realise what my gorgeous little man is telling me.

  “Aiden I’m not going to invite Jake back into this house if you don’t want me to, okay. I will never do what you don’t want me to do ever again.”

  “It’s okay Mummy. We want Jake back. Besides uncle Johnno said he wants to take him out shooting again. He likes him too, so he must be okay.”

  “Oh well I’m glad uncle Johnno likes Jake and I think you and Ash might like him too. But I just want to be clear Aiden. It’s okay if you don’t want him here, I’ll understand.”

  “Mum I want you to be happy again because when you’re happy I’m happy too.”

  I hug my son tight and cry until his hair is wet.

  “My goodness Aiden, when did you grow up?”

  “I keep telling you I’m not little Mum.”

  “No, no you’re not. I love you Aiden.”

  “I know Mum, I love you too.”

  “Well my work here is done,” says Johnno as he heads for the backdoor.

  “Not so fast you.”

  I leap off the couch and wrap my arms around Johnno’s waist.

  “What’s all this Kat?”

  “Thank you Johnno. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  “Yeah actually I think I do. Now don’t you have a phone call to make?”

  Instantly I’m filled with excitement as I run toward my bedroom. My heart suddenly fires up as if it’s been beating just enough to keep me alive these past few days. Now it’s pounding as if it’s about to explode out of my chest.

  Closing the bedroom door my excitement quickly turns into a full blown anxiety attack. All of my unanswered questions start running through my head again. What if Jake doesn’t want to see me again? I did tell him that we wouldn’t see each other anymore. I did kick him out. He must hate me. He couldn’t possibly ever want to hear from me ever again. But he said he loved me and I said I loved him, yet I still managed to kick him out. But I had too, Aiden wanted me too, Jake would understand that wouldn’t he?

  Pacing around my bedroom with my phone in my hand I attempt to call Jake at least forty times, but I can never bring myself to let the call connect. I decide on a text message instead. After all he’s probably at the gym. Or busy doing something. Oh God what if he’s with another girl? I curse myself out loud, “Oh for fuck sake Kat get a grip.”

  I text Jake, “Hi Jake it’s me, Kat. I just wanted to text you to see how you are. I doubt you will ever want to speak to me ever again, but I needed to let you know that if it were at all possible, I would love to see you again. To make a long story short Aiden has realised, with the help of a friend, that you make me happy and he and Ash want me to be happy. I’m happy with you Jake. I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me. Please call me."

  Do I send it? Does this one message even begin to help mend the wound I’ve inflicted on Jake’s heart? Bugger it all. I send it and instantly feel nau
seous. I begin to doubt that Jake will ever want to hear from me ever again.

  With this in mind I put the phone down. No sooner has my phone touched the surface of my bedside table than it begins to ring. It’s Jake. Holy crap, it’s Jake!

  I fumble as I pick up the phone. I answer. I open my mouth, but no sound escapes me. I mentally slap myself as I hear Jake scream down the phone, “Kat. Kat is that you?”

  “Yes it’s me, sorry my voice failed me for a moment there.”

  “Jesus Kat I can’t believe it’s you. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m fine Jake. Well I’m better than fine actually?”

  “Really, why?”

  “Didn’t you read my message?”

  “No. I just saw that it was from you and I couldn’t do anything, but call you. I’ve been waiting by the phone hoping you’d contact me?”

  “Why haven’t you called me?”

  “Are you kidding? You kicked me out and told me you never wanted to see me again. I was giving you space to sort things out. Please tell me you’ve sorted things out Kat because I miss you so much. I’ve been dying down here without you.”

  I can hear tears in Jake’s voice. His words hit me hard. I know I deserve every hurtful dagger he throws at me, after all I’m the cause of his pain.

  “Jake I think you better take a moment to read the message I sent you.”

  “Okay.”

  There’s a moments silence as Jake reads the message. I can hear him as he tries to suppress his emotions.

  “Jake. Jake are you there?”

  His voice is weak. “Yes I’m here.”

  “Oh thank god, I thought you were going to hang up on me.”

  “I’ve told you before Kat, I will never hang up on you…So what do we do now? Are you sure the kids are okay with all this.”

  “Well there’s only one way to find out.”

  “I’ll be there within three hours.”

  “Jake slow down, you can’t be serious. It’ll be dinner time by the time you get here and I’ve got to work tomorrow. I don’t expect you to jump in the car and head up here right now.”

  “Just try and stop me Kat. I’m packing as we speak. I’ll be there soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “Really. It’s okay?”

  “Yes Jake. I would love to see you too.”

  “Christ Kat. I don’t know how much longer I was going to be able to last without you.”

  “It’s okay Jake. I think everything is going to be okay now.”

  “I’m on my way out the door.”

  “Drive safely. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Kat?”

  “Yes.”

  “I love you.”

  My legs give way as I hear the devotion in his voice as he speaks those three little words to me.

  “Oh Jake. I love you too.”

  After wiping a tear from my check I suggest, “I’ll hang up now okay.”

  “Okay Kat. See you soon.”

  Chapter NINETEEN

  I’m relaxing on a lounge chair, watching the kids playing in the pool when Jake arrives. Ashley jumps out of the pool and seems genuinely excited that Jake is here. Of course I told them as soon as I got off the phone that he was coming up for a sleepover. They both seemed accepting of the idea.

  Aiden stays in the pool until Jake lets himself through the back gate and crosses the yard in long strides as he heads straight toward me. We’re both struggling to contain our emotions as Aiden keeps a close eye on us.

  Jake acknowledges Aiden and gives him a thumbs up as he yells out hello. Ashley bounds up to Jake before he can reach me and introduces herself. I can tell that Jake is genuinely happy to meet her.

  Jake takes a seat beside me and greets me with a hungry look of desire in his eyes.

  I whisper, “Take it easy big boy, we have all night.”

  “I’m just so glad to see you again Kat. I was seriously losing it.”

  “You weren’t the only one.”

  Aiden gets out of the pool and heads inside.

  “Is he okay with this Kat?”

  “Yeah he said he is. We’ll just have to hold off on any physical stuff in front of the kids for a while okay.”

  “Yeah sure, but there’s no restrictions once they’re asleep, right?”

  “Right.”

  We’re laughing and smiling like idiots at each other when I hear the backdoor open again. The kids walk out and sit on the outside chairs either side of us. Ashley hands me a drink and I thank her. Aiden hands Jake a can of soft drink which he has put into a stubby holder and sits down beside Jake as he cracks open his own can. Jake offers to clink their cans together and thanks Aiden for the drink. Aiden doesn’t say much, but I know he’s gone to a lot of effort to get Jake a drink. I think Jake has accepted Aiden’s unspoken apology for laying into him with his fist. And even though this is a huge step, I will make sure Aiden also verbally apologises for his violent actions the week before.

  We sit in silence for a little while and watch the sun set across the back paddocks. Aiden is the first to speak.

  “Nice car you’ve got there. Black is my favourite colour.”

  “You like it?” says Jake in an excited voice.

  Excited because Aiden is speaking to him, or excited because he’s talking about his car. I like to think it’s both.

  “Yeah, it’s a Holden. What’s not to like?”

  “True. That is a big reason why I got it.”

  “What model is it?”

  “It’s a HSV E3 Club Sport.”

  “Nice.”

  Aiden remains relaxed in his chair as he exhorts a ‘Yeah I’ve got one in the back shed myself’ kind of attitude. It’s very cute.

  “I’ll take you all for a ride one day if you like. It goes better out on the highway. It doesn’t like the low creeks and dips in the roads you have around here,” Jake says.

  “Maybe you should buy a new car,” states Aiden.

  “I’m fairly attached to my car. I don’t think I could sell it.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I too noticed Jake’s car in the daylight as he arrived. Being black in colour makes it mysterious and alluring. It conveys brutal force with a large amount of dominance yet it’s also sophisticated and sexy. It’s the kind of car that would turn heads, then once you got a look at the driver inside, you’d be forgiven for staring. Jake must take good care of his car. I noticed the polished reflection of everything it passed as he drove around to the back of the house.

  After we finish our drinks we all head inside. Jake and I head for the kitchen to begin preparing tea as Ashley and Aiden head off to the bathroom for a shower. Finally Jake and I are alone. Instantly our bodies are pulled together like magnets. We kiss and touch each other with such fever and passion that I fear now we’ve started we won’t be able to stop even when the kids re-enter the room. I try to pull away, although I really, really don’t want to.

  “Jake we need to calm down. The kids will be back soon.”

  “I don’t want to calm down, but I will because I don’t want to jeopardise losing you again.”

  We part even though we can both still feel the overpowering pull urging us to mould our bodies back together once more. We distract ourselves by continuing to prepare a dinner of cold roast chicken and salad. As we all sit around the table, silence descends upon us. Aiden and Ashley stare at Jake. Then I realise Jake is sitting at the head of the table where Sam used to sit. It’s become an unspoken rule in our home that no one sits in Sam’s seat, unless there are no other seats available.

  Jake notices the kids staring and he asks, “What are you guys staring at? Do I have something in my teeth?”

  Jake speaks while his mouth is full of food. His teeth are covered in pieces of chicken and a mix of salad. It’s gross, but the kids’ immediately start to laugh. Jake continues to ask as he picks at his teeth in an attempt to dislodge the food.

  “What? Where is it? Do I have some c
hicken stuck here, or some capsicum stuck here?”

  Ashley and Aiden continue to laugh. As they do the food in their own mouths begins to spill back out onto their plates. The scene is hilarious. We’re all in fits of laughter and it takes a long time to settle everyone down so we can continue to eat our meal.

  Jake relates to the kids well and as we continue to eat they answer his questions and as with kids being the curious little creatures they are, they ask him a few of their own also. One question in particular from Aiden grabs my attention.

  “What do you do for a crust Jake?”

  Aiden sounds just like his father as he asks the question. Jake looks at me and I try to convey with my eyes to please somehow keep his answer PG rated.

  “I dance for a living.”

  “You’re a dancer? Like a girl!”

  “Men can dance too mate.”

  “S’pose. How much money do you make?”

  “Aiden. It’s very rude to ask someone about how much money they make,” I state.

  “Why?”

  “Because it is.” Kids can be so innocently abrupt with their questions. I look at Jake and apologise.

  “It’s okay. I make enough money to get by, but dancing’s not what I really want to do.”

  “What else do you want to do?” asks Aiden now full of interest.

  “I would like to be a personal trainer.”

  “What’s that?” asks Ashley.

  “A personal trainer is someone who helps other people get fit, lose weight and helps them maintain their health.”

  “You’d be good at that because you look fit and you’re not fat.”

  “Ashley!” I’m shocked at how blunt my children are with their questions and statements, but Jake seems to be taking it all in his stride.

  “What Mum? I’m just saying he looks good for his age,” Ashley states.

  “Oh okay. Righto you two can go and brush your teeth and get ready for bed please.”

  “It was just a question Mum.”

  “You two will learn in time which questions are appropriate to ask and which are not.”

  Jake changes the subject and asks about the poem I hung up on the wall behind the dining table. Jake has a good view of it from where he sits. Ashley and Aiden both look up at the poem they wrote for their father. I explain to Jake how the poem came about. I also tell Jake how incredibly proud I am of both my children for reading it in front of a big crowd of people.