An Ever Fixéd Mark

by Jessie Olson

  “One of these days I’ll come check it out. Jen wants to see it. She likes old houses.”

  “Well, you live in one,” Lizzie took a bite from her plate as a book on the shelf by her side caught her eye. “Oh my goodness! Is that our yearbook?”

  “I have a copy of that somewhere,” Jack said with half interest as Lizzie pulled it off the shelf. She flipped through the first pages coated with signatures and sentimental messages and stopped at the aerial class photo.

  “It’s difficult to tell who anyone is from that perspective.”

  “It’s about getting everyone in the photo, Jack,” Lizzie looked for herself at the bottom of the crowd. Jack was behind her, wearing his infamous leather jacket. Sara was on top of Ben’s shoulders. Lizzie couldn’t have sat on anyone’s shoulders. It was long before marathon days.

  Jack turned the pages with more interest than his initial response to her discovery. He stopped at a candid of a science lab. “Wow, Lizzie you look good. I mean now. I know this is probably going to be tacky – because I’m your cousin… and a bit of an idiot. But, geez, I think half these girls would kill to improve so much since high school the way you did.”

  “Thanks, I guess,” Lizzie was used to the awkward uncertain compliments.

  “But I did think you were pretty then, too.”

  Lizzie couldn’t restrain the laugh. “It’s okay, cuz. I understand what you are trying to say.”

  “And there’s Sara and Ben,” Jack looked at the opposite page. “He left pretty fast today. Surprised he didn’t stop in for a little ambrosia.”

  “He’s kind of a health freak.”

  “Was that on his Facebook, too?”

  Lizzie looked up at Jack. “No, something he said at the reunion.”

  “I saw him checking you out, Lizzie. I think you scared him away.”

  “Stop,” Lizzie looked down at the photo of him with Sara. She recognized the same muscular contours she discovered that night. How was she so oblivious 15 years ago?

  “I forgot I left that here,” Sara’s voice caused Lizzie to look back up. “I brought it with me during the reunion so I could look people up if I met someone I couldn’t remember.”

  Lizzie offered a moderate smile. “How are you doing?”

  “I just want to have this baby,” Sara took the seat that Jack offered. “I don’t feel like I can grieve until I give birth.” Sara took the book out of Lizzie’s relaxed palms. “Oh my God! Look at the hair in this picture. Why did we ever think spiral perms were a good idea? Ben looks the same. Well his hair isn’t as long. But he still looks 25. Ben didn’t come back, did he?”

  “No, he said he had to go back to Boston,” Jack offered.

  “It was nice of him to come,” Sara sighed and looked some more at the yearbook. “Oh, look at you, Jack. Whatever happened to your leather jacket?”

  “I still have it,” he smiled proudly.

  “No way,” Sara gleamed. “Does Jen let you wear it?”

  “I’m not that skinny, Sara,” he shook his head. “Not anymore.”

  “You wore that thing to the prom,” Sara laughed and skipped ahead a couple pages. “Did you see those pictures? See, look, there you are in your leather jacket.”

  Jack took the book back and looked at the picture. “You look stylin in your mermaid dress, Sara,” he retorted. “What did you wear, Lizzie?”

  “I didn’t go to the prom,” she shook her head.

  “She protested, remember?” Sara rolled her eyes.

  “I just didn’t have someone special to take me,” Lizzie sighed. She actually didn’t miss having that memory. Especially when she spent half of her working day planning parties like the prom to raise money for health care.

  “Really? I could have sworn you were in my limo,” Jack gave the book back to Sara.

  “No, that was Melissa Benson,” Sara said softly.

  “Oh,” Jack nodded and then remembered. “Oh yeah…”

  “She went as Kyle Granger’s date, don’t you remember?”

  “Why was I in a limo with Kyle Granger?”

  “I don’t know,” Sara shrugged. “Probably because the Bensons were your neighbors.”

  “Oh… yeah. He was dating Melissa … but she was a year older than us, wasn’t she?”

  “Yeah,” Lizzie sighed, wondering if she should bring up Melissa’s fate at a funeral. It didn’t seem appropriate, when Melissa never had one.

  “They never found a body,” Sara said what Lizzie wouldn’t. “I can’t imagine facing that as a parent.”

  “Or as a teenager,” Lizzie muttered. She remembered a conversation she overheard when someone described Melissa as a thinner version of Elizabeth Watson. Lizzie wasn’t ever sure if that was what the person actually said, but it did creep her out sixteen years ago.

  “She was in my astronomy class,” Jack took a cracker from Lizzie’s plate. “You were, too, Lizzie. Do you remember her?”

  “She was the best in that class,” Lizzie answered absently. “Sort of a teacher’s pet.”

  “So were you,” Jack tried to smile.

  “Hey,” Sara sat up quickly. “She’s kicking.”

  Lizzie turned to look at Sara with a genuine smile. Sara grabbed Lizzie’s hand and placed it on her stomach. Lizzie felt the foot press against her palm. “Wow,” she beamed.

  “I’ve decided to name her Josie – short for Josephine. After Dad,” Sara sighed.

  “He’d like that,” Lizzie remembered why they were there in that room, in Sara’s company. She removed the yearbook from Sara’s lap and put it aside, deciding the visits to Springs nostalgia were no longer necessary.

  *****

  “Thanks, Lizzie,” Jen smiled as she came back into the living room.

  “We read two books,” Lizzie picked up the beer she left on the side table when she brought three year old Isabel up to bed.

  “I bet she wanted two more,” Jen grinned.

  Lizzie sat uneasily on the edge of the sofa as Jen shifted back to the conversation between Jack and his band mates. Lizzie was glad she accepted their offer for dinner, but felt awkward in the group of Jack’s friends. Especially when the drummer, Mike, kept looking at her. She knew it was because she went with him to his car one night after a gig. Now he had a girlfriend.

  “Hey Lizzie, didn’t a friend of yours play at a place in Central Square?” Jack brought her focus back to the conversation.

  “Yeah,” she muttered not sure how Will still qualified as her friend.

  “Maybe his band could play with ours.”

  “You’re not really going to start doing gigs in Cambridge,” Jen shook her head with a glance at the bass player’s wife.

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s a lot of work and a lot more time you won’t be here,” Jen explained lightly, but Lizzie knew her intention was not very light-hearted. Lizzie took the final swallow of beer and decided to leave the room to get another.

  Instead of returning to her uncomfortable seat, she went through the dining room onto the back deck. The January air was cool, but clean. There was a half foot of snow blanketing their backyard, chopped up with children’s footprints. The air was quiet, the eerie calm of Coldbrook that always startled her at first, but eventually calmed her.

  “Hey,” Mike slid the door shut.

  “Hey,” Lizzie was conscious of her smile. She wasn’t going to try to be inviting. Not that he wasn’t attractive. He was. She always thought so. Even in high school. But she was wary of musicians. And… she had to remind herself… he had a girlfriend.

  “Couples,” he leaned on the railing beside her.

  “I’m sure Amy would agree with Jen,” Lizzie put the name out to remind him.

  “She’s not here,” there was a knowing look as he took a sip of beer.

  Lizzie turned away to look at the snowy backyard. “Hey, didn’t you used to hang out with Oliver Cottingham?” Lizzie asked suddenly as the memory entered her mind.

 
; “Kinda,” Mike shrugged with disinterest. “Why?”

  “His brother was at the funeral today.”

  “Yeah, he was part of your little group. I remember that. It was because of Ben that I found out about Jack’s band,” Mike turned his lean around, bringing himself closer to Lizzie’s side. She appreciated the warmth, but not the intimacy.

  “Do you keep in touch with him?”

  “With Oliver?” he laughed over another swallow. “Naw, he moved to California or something. We just hung out on occasion. Once the band started, we didn’t have much in common. It’s nice Ben showed up. He had a thing for your friend, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah,” Lizzie’s heart sank. Why was she having a conversation about the Cottinghams? Not like Mike the drummer would know anything about Ben now. Or why he had to leave to go back to Boston. Or why he would actually want to talk to Lizzie after their night together.

  Mike wanted to talk to her. Maybe not talk. She felt his hand touch her lower back. He wasn’t put off by the awkwardness of seeing her again after a hasty fuck in the back seat of his Mazda. She didn’t want to think about Ben anymore. She didn’t want to think about stupid guitar players who married someone else. She peered through the glass doors into the dark dining room. The living room wasn’t visible from that angle. She looked back at Mike and decided to forget about Amy. Screw it. She let him kiss her and slide his hand over her breast. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the back wall of the house. She kept kissing him as she reached for the button of his jeans. He reached under her skirt and pulled her tights towards her knees.

  She drank the rest of her beer after he went back in the house. She took in the cold air, knowing its reaction against her skin would qualify the blood in her cheeks. She shut her eyes and let the sting of guilt creep in as her pulse returned to normal. She preferred the guilt hovering in her brain over the disappointment that Ben walked away and didn’t want to see her.

  Chapter Six

  Lizzie saw Alec’s car parked on the street in front of the house. She decided to leave her bag in the stair hall and settle on the couch without going upstairs. It was well after noon, but she knew that might not matter with Meg and her on and off again boyfriend. She was tired and all too happy to lose the heels she put back on her feet before leaving the South End. She arranged the pillows to support her neck comfortably and found something on the television from which she could easily fade away as her lack of sleep enveloped her.

  She was too tired to relax into her subconscious. She numbly watched the romantic comedy on the television while her mind toyed with the idea of sitting up to organize the books Meg left on the coffee table. Her eyes were heavy, making the images on the television blur. She vaguely understood the storyline… college friends who separated over the years and then found each other as well as the unspoken attraction that hadn’t disappeared in the years of separation… or something like that. She let her eyes close and saw a warm orange settle into view. She felt herself falling backwards, but then opened her eyes to finish watching the movie. It turned out the guy had a thing for her best friend all along. Not the girl. Lizzie didn’t really like the movie all that much. She wanted the story to be different and decided to stop watching the television. She got off the couch and went into the dining room, where her friends were standing around a table full of food. They were laughing and talking. Davis turned around and pulled Lizzie into the circle. She saw Ben immediately across the table. He smiled at her. She didn’t want to look at him, annoyed by his cold reception at the funeral. He offered her a glass of wine and said, “I’m sorry.” The other people in the room seemed to fade away. He took her hand and led her out of the room into the hallway. Only it wasn’t her hallway. It was a big old house… was she at work? Was a tour about to come through? They couldn’t be found talking. Lizzie pulled his hand out of the hallway into the living room, where a different movie was on the television. Meg was sitting on the couch with Alec asking Lizzie to get out of the way. She was watching vampire films for research. Lizzie sat herself in the chair and started watching, remembering that she was once in a vampire film and played a girl who was killed by a vampire. She remembered that Ben was there with her, but when she looked up…

  Lizzie felt a sudden jolt to her body and woke harshly to a rock song blaring on a car commercial. “Hey sleepyhead,” Meg set a glass of water on the coffee table.

  “Hey,” Lizzie sat herself up groggily. Darkness settled into the room. “What time is it?”

  “Five-thirty,” Meg picked a couple books off the table. “When did you get home?”

  “Noon,” Lizzie took up the glass that Meg left on the table.

  “You’re still in your dress,” Meg smirked.

  “Yeah… well…” Lizzie didn’t have the alacrity to offer a snappy reply. “Where’s Alec?’

  “He went home an hour ago,” Meg sat in the black chair by the fireplace.

  “Oh,” Lizzie set down her glass.

  “So the gala was a success?”

  “It was,” Lizzie paused, knowing the detail for which Meg was waiting. “There was a good turnout.”

  “Any surgical interns?”

  “He didn’t come to the gala,” Lizzie took a sip of her water. “But he picked me up after I shut down the reception table.”

  “You’ve been seeing him a lot lately.”

  “I’m not in a relationship with Eric,” Lizzie said very purposefully.

  “So … you don’t like him?”

  “He’s attractive… I like him. I like being with him… for a little while, at least.”

  “Just a little while?”

  “I don’t think he’s boyfriend material, Meg.”

  “Yeah… but he likes you.”

  Lizzie didn’t want to say what was really on her mind. That she was still obsessing about her former high school classmate, who didn’t have any interest in talking to her whatsoever and only visited her dreams. She couldn’t admit that … even to Meg. Because even to Meg, it seemed foolish and deluded. And a little too close to her preoccupation with Will. It was easier to explain that she had no interest in Eric beyond a couple nights a week than any element of truth relative to her heart.

  “I’m not going to stop seeing him… I guess…” Lizzie was starting to wonder if Eric was taking things more seriously than she was. She had seen him more in the month since her fifteen minutes on the back deck with Mike. It kept her out of trouble and occupied her thoughts. But she didn’t want it to be real.

  “Maybe you’ve got the right idea, Lizzie. No attachment. Just love the ones you know will never love you back. That way you don’t tease yourself with hope for something you won’t get in return,” Meg picked up one of her books and pursed her lips.

  “Alec?”

  “Mm,” she nodded, still focused on the book.

  “Why are you with him again?

  “Because when it’s good, he makes me… I feel at ease with him. We can talk about anything and everything. I feel comfortable in my skin when I am with him. He makes my skin feel real good…” Meg smiled to herself. “But when I’m not in his company, the spell wears off and he’s…”

  “Meg,” Lizzie didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t qualified to give any relationship advice. Especially when her moral barometer was closer to Alec’s than decency.

  “I bet Eric made you feel good last night – even if it wasn’t about your heart,” Meg still stared at her book.

  “He did,” Lizzie admitted quietly.

  “Yeah,” Meg hesitated and set the book back on the table. “You know it’s Valentine’s Day today.”

  “I suppose it is,” Lizzie groaned and leaned back against the pillows.

  “I forgot about that,” Meg sighed. Apparently, Alec had forgotten, too.

  *****

  Lizzie had a Saturday off from the Fulton House and chose to make use of the milder March weather with a lengthy run. She decided to train for another race. A local 10K. I
t wasn’t a marathon, but something with which to occupy her time… and thoughts. Thoughts that tempted her after helping Nora address wedding invitations. Tempted her to remember feelings to which she didn’t want to pay attention – wanting someone to take to Nora’s wedding, that someone would look at her with as much appreciation for her company as her transfigured body, and the yearning to have someone beside her when she woke up in the morning. She didn’t want to think about those things… especially when there were signs that Eric was interested in something more than a drink and his apartment.

  She figured she would try a new route to challenge her muscles and provide enough distance to gauge her time for the 10K. She took the train across the river so she could run the Cambridge side of the Charles. She walked to the end of the Longfellow Bridge and started her run towards Harvard Square, losing her concentration to the beat of her music.

  The song ended and changed to an 80’s song. It reminded her of the reunion and took her out of her focus on the next benchmark. Why? Oh why… couldn’t she let it go? It had been two months since she saw him at the funeral. He wasn’t interested in talking to her. Why was she so interested in talking to him? Why? What was there to Ben Cottingham beyond some thrilling gymnastics after dancing to 80’s songs for one night in November? What was it about him that made him latch into her memory and ache for realization?

  He was attractive… but not in an obvious way. His russet hair and freckles weren’t more impressive than… well than Eric’s dark curls and chiseled jaw. Eric was a runner. Ben had strong shoulders. Eric was a doctor. Ben was an entrepreneur with technical genius. Maybe he lacked the skill with people that he had with machines… but Lizzie thought his conversation was compelling to keep her talking. For a couple hours, with the lubrication of much wine. Eric liked… what did he like? Other than her? He didn’t go to museums or have interest in history. He didn’t know that any part of Massachusetts existed outside of 128. Eric knew her and was interested in her. Ben only had an interest after Sara turned him away. But no matter the point of observation, both were attentive to her physically… and neither were part of her emotionally. Only one might want to change that. But it was the other with whom she wanted to explore it.